Please tell me I don't have to invite

sweetdreamz6700 · July 2013

I get that all guests married and in serious relationships should bring their spouse/fi/bf/gf. I completely agree and we have honored that. However there is someone that we absolutely do not want to attend our wedding and that person is the spouse of a member of the wedding party. I know we sound horrible. But this person committed a crime against us (admits guilt and will be convicted) and we are very uncomfortable being around this person. In this case can we explain that we do not want this person attending as a guest?

musicalcanadianbride · July 2013

bethsmiles · July 2013

What was the crime?

sweetdreamz6700 · July 2013

bethsmiles said:

What was the crime?

burglary and theft

bethsmiles · July 2013

I don't think you have to invite someone who stole from you to your wedding. Yes, etiquette says you should always invite SO but let's be honest there are exceptions. I think this is one of them.

Chloeagh · July 2013

In my opinion (and I have read this around the boards as well), if the person committed a crime against you, you are not obligated to invite them. It is your call whether you want to invite the spouse alone. Depending on the dynamic, that may cause drama or result in the person you don't want there to come along anyway.

daria24 · July 2013

This is the one exception I would make to the spouse/SO rule. Sorry, if you stole from the bride & groom, you don't get invited to the wedding. Though I have to admit I would have trouble inviting the person married to the thief as well.

sweetdreamz6700 · July 2013

Thanks everyone.....kinda our same thought. As to make it more complicated the spouse of the thief is in the WP and immediate family. So yeah. They didn't have anything to do with it and we can't make life decisions for them. We just don't want to be around the thief.

NOLAbridealmost · July 2013

Yeah, you're cool w/ making an exception to the etiquette rule in this situation.

Out of curiosity, what did they steal?

musicalcanadianbride · July 2013

Oh WHOA! So sorry - I shouldn't post when I'm too tired to read properly. You DO NOT have to invite this person.

sweetdreamz6700 · July 2013

NOLAbridealmost said:
Yeah, you're cool w/ making an exception to the etiquette rule in this situation.

Out of curiosity, what did they steal?

Some cash, couple tools and all the jewelry I wasn't wearing. I got a lot of it back thankfully. Worst part was a necklace that held my dads ashes which wasn't ever recovered. Sorry, not going to ever get over that one.

sweetdreamz6700 · July 2013

musicalcanadianbride said:
Oh WHOA! So sorry - I shouldn't post when I'm too tired to read properly. You DO NOT have to invite this person.

lol..it happens. No worries ;-)

bethsmiles · July 2013

sweetdreamz6700 said:

Yeah, you're cool w/ making an exception to the etiquette rule in this situation.

Out of curiosity, what did they steal?
Some cash, couple tools and all the jewelry I wasn't wearing. I got a lot of it back thankfully. Worst part was a necklace that held my dads ashes which wasn't ever recovered. Sorry, not going to ever get over that one.

I'm so sorry, that awful.

BarbLovesDave · July 2013

There is absolutely no way that any Etiquette rule would ask you to invite someone who has stolen from you. If that person is offended by not being invited, tough.

My suggestion to you is to talk to the spouse who is invited, face-to-face, privately, and make sure that person knows that the thief is not invited.

"Mary, we need to talk about the wedding. We need to make sure you understand that John is not invited, and you know why. If you do not feel you can attend the wedding without John, then we need to know that now so we can replace you in the wedding party. Under no circumstances will John be allowed to attend the wedding."

If you are getting married in a church, and if the church has an open door policy (as does mine) there is little you can do to keep him out of the church, should he want to witness the ceremony. You can keep him out of the private party reception. If you believe he might try to crash the party, consider hiring security guards with the specific duty of keeping him out.

I would take similar action in other situations where I want to invite one spouse, but exclude the other due to past bad behavior. That "past bad behavior" has to be pretty much extreme to justify inviting one spouse without the other. Theft is a great example. Past history of alcoholic-fueled violent behavior or sexual predation might be another. I absolutely would not let a registered sex offender attend any event where children are present.

NOLAbridealmost · July 2013

If someone took my father's ashes there is no way in a million years that I would ever, ever, ever invite them to attend my wedding. Or any function. In fact they'd be lucky if I didn't seriously kick their ass. I am not a violent person....but that's just so many levels of f*cked up.

WinstonsGirl · July 2013

BarbLovesDave said:

There is absolutely no way that any Etiquette rule would ask you to invite someone who has stolen from you. If that person is offended by not being invited, tough.

"Mary, we need to talk about the wedding. We need to make sure you understand that John is not invited, and you know why. If you do not feel you can attend the wedding without John, then we need to know that now so we can replace you in the wedding party. Under no circumstances will John be allowed to attend the wedding."

OP, I agree that she may decide to not attend if her spouse isn't invited, but please don't replace her if she decides to not attend. Your WP should be your nearest and dearest and if you haven't already asked someone, you don't need to pick someone new to replace someone who can't make it. Uneven sides are ok.

bethsmiles · July 2013

BarbLovesDave said:

There is absolutely no way that any Etiquette rule would ask you to invite someone who has stolen from you. If that person is offended by not being invited, tough.

My suggestion to you is to talk to the spouse who is invited, face-to-face, privately, and make sure that person knows that the thief is not invited.

"Mary, we need to talk about the wedding. We need to make sure you understand that John is not invited, and you know why. If you do not feel you can attend the wedding without John, then we need to know that now so we can replace you in the wedding party. Under no circumstances will John be allowed to attend the wedding."

If you are getting married in a church, and if the church has an open door policy (as does mine) there is little you can do to keep him out of the church, should he want to witness the ceremony. You can keep him out of the private party reception. If you believe he might try to crash the party, consider hiring security guards with the specific duty of keeping him out.

I would take similar action in other situations where I want to invite one spouse, but exclude the other due to past bad behavior. That "past bad behavior" has to be pretty much extreme to justify inviting one spouse without the other. Theft is a great example. Past history of alcoholic-fueled violent behavior or sexual predation might be another. I absolutely would not let a registered sex offender attend any event where children are present.

It's never okay to replace someone in the WP.

OP - please don't do that if the member of your WP decides not to come! It's not only rude to her but it's also rude to whoever you replace her with.

HisGirlFriday13 · July 2013

Definitely not! There are exceptions to every rule, and this definitely qualifies. You absolutely don't have to invite someone who stole from you. IMHO, your family member is lucky that you're still inviting him/her. I realise he or she can't be held accountable for a spouse's actions, but I'd be way too pissed to forgive this person for not cutting the stealing spouse out of everyone's lives.

misssunshine17 · July 2013

The spouse must understand. I mean, seriously?! Good for you for being level headed about it.

jm22jm · July 2013

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry that your father's ashes were stolen. That is just...yeah, there are no words. Best wishes to you.

harper0813 · July 2013

You are absolutely exempt from this rule if this SO stole from you - especially your father's ashes! God, how horrible.

What I don't understand is how your wedding party member is still with this SO without feeling terribly awkward about standing up in your wedding.

colex · July 2013

I'm sorry that your father's ashes were stolen there are no words :-(.

Look on Craigslist and Ebay for odd items to appear in your neighborhood, I only say this because a friend of mine had a small sealed jewelry box looking thing stolen that contained her mothers ashes and it appeared on Craigslist months later.

AddieCake · July 2013

Ugh. That's awful! You definitely don't have to invite him, but as Stage said, be prepared that his wife may react negatively. And if so, do not follow Barb's advice of telling her you need to replace her in the wedding party.

BarbLovesDave · July 2013

Lobster1987 said:

BarbLovesDave said:

so we can replace you in the wedding party.

Back to her usual horrible advice-giving....sighhh.

I don't have a problem with replacing a member of the wedding party, in extreme circs.

I think the OP can be called extreme. A WP member is married to someone who has stolen from the happy couple. That's extreme. The suggestion that the WP member can be replaced is a reaction to the WP member insisting that her husband be also invited.

More of the conversation:

"I need you to understand that John is not invited, and you know why."

"But Etiquette requires a husband to be invited if the wife is invited."

"Yes, but Etiquette as well as THE LAWS AGAINST THEFT state that stealing is wrong. I want you in my WP, but I do not want John to attend the wedding."

"Either you invite him, or I'm not coming. Then you'll have a big gap in your wedding party with five women on one side and six men on the other."

"Given that choice, then, I am sorry, but neither of you are invited. You are now officially out of the wedding party. I will not have John who has stolen from me attend my wedding. It won't happen. If that means you stay home, too, then so be it. You can be replaced with someone else, or we will just have uneven sides."

In normal circumstances, I would advise a couple to ask friends and relatives to be in the wedding party about six months ahead of time, and to think carefully about who they ask. In normal circs, I agree, it's poor form to replace a WP member. The OP is not normal circs by any means.

BMoreBride6 · July 2013

BarbLovesDave said:

Lobster1987 said:

BarbLovesDave said:

so we can replace you in the wedding party.

Back to her usual horrible advice-giving....sighhh.

I don't have a problem with replacing a member of the wedding party, in extreme circs.

I think the OP can be called extreme. A WP member is married to someone who has stolen from the happy couple. That's extreme. The suggestion that the WP member can be replaced is a reaction to the WP member insisting that her husband be also invited.

More of the conversation:

"I need you to understand that John is not invited, and you know why."

"But Etiquette requires a husband to be invited if the wife is invited."

"Yes, but Etiquette as well as THE LAWS AGAINST THEFT state that stealing is wrong. I want you in my WP, but I do not want John to attend the wedding."

"Either you invite him, or I'm not coming. Then you'll have a big gap in your wedding party with five women on one side and six men on the other."

"Given that choice, then, I am sorry, but neither of you are invited. You are now officially out of the wedding party. I will not have John who has stolen from me attend my wedding. It won't happen. If that means you stay home, too, then so be it. You can be replaced with someone else, or we will just have uneven sides."

In normal circumstances, I would advise a couple to ask friends and relatives to be in the wedding party about six months ahead of time, and to think carefully about who they ask. In normal circs, I agree, it's poor form to replace a WP member. The OP is not normal circs by any means.

Just because you don't have a problem with it doesn't mean it isn't wrong...how would you feel being the person asked as a replacement? "Oh hi friend! I know we didn't ask you to be a part of our wedding party, but now we have uneven sides, would you be a space filler?" not nice.

ETA: typo

delujm0 · July 2013

Just a question, this is such a terrible situation, i almost can't believe it!

When this incident happened, was the spouse on drugs/an addict of some sort? I literally can't imagine a person staying married to someone that stole from her family, so I'm wondering how that even happened. The only thing I can assume is that this person was some kind of addict and has since gotten clean and is now leading a sober lifestyle.

If this is the case, and the person is completely reformed, and has been for many years, i would expect that the member of the wedding party would be furious about the lack of invitation. Especially if the offendor has apologized to you (as is normally the case in a 12-step program, which many addicts adhere to while in treatment). I'm not saying you have to invite him - i'm saying that if this is the case, expect the person in the wedding party to bail on you. If she loved him enough after this incident to stay married to him, she's likely to expect her family to respect the work that he's done to correct his previous actions.

If this is not the case, and this woman's husband is simply a horrible person and a thief, then i would obviously not invite him, and i wouldn't think twice about it. I'd have questions about inviting HER to be honest with you. Family member or not.

sweetdreamz6700 · July 2013

Just a question, this is such a terrible situation, i almost can't believe it!

When this incident happened, was the spouse on drugs/an addict of some sort? I literally can't imagine a person staying married to someone that stole from her family, so I'm wondering how that even happened. The only thing I can assume is that this person was some kind of addict and has since gotten clean and is now leading a sober lifestyle.

If this is the case, and the person is completely reformed, and has been for many years, i would expect that the member of the wedding party would be furious about the lack of invitation. Especially if the offendor has apologized to you (as is normally the case in a 12-step program, which many addicts adhere to while in treatment). I'm not saying you have to invite him - i'm saying that if this is the case, expect the person in the wedding party to bail on you. If she loved him enough after this incident to stay married to him, she's likely to expect her family to respect the work that he's done to correct his previous actions.

If this is not the case, and this woman's husband is simply a horrible person and a thief, then i would obviously not invite him, and i wouldn't think twice about it. I'd have questions about inviting HER to be honest with you. Family member or not.

Yes, drugs were involved and this person us an addict. However, this incident happened earlier this year. This person was asked about my missing items when others turned up in a pawn shop in their name. This person acted completel

delujm0 said:

Just a question, this is such a terrible situation, i almost can't believe it!

When this incident happened, was the spouse on drugs/an addict of some sort? I literally can't imagine a person staying married to someone that stole from her family, so I'm wondering how that even happened. The only thing I can assume is that this person was some kind of addict and has since gotten clean and is now leading a sober lifestyle.

If this is the case, and the person is completely reformed, and has been for many years, i would expect that the member of the wedding party would be furious about the lack of invitation. Especially if the offendor has apologized to you (as is normally the case in a 12-step program, which many addicts adhere to while in treatment). I'm not saying you have to invite him - i'm saying that if this is the case, expect the person in the wedding party to bail on you. If she loved him enough after this incident to stay married to him, she's likely to expect her family to respect the work that he's done to correct his previous actions.

If this is not the case, and this woman's husband is simply a horrible person and a thief, then i would obviously not invite him, and i wouldn't think twice about it. I'd have questions about inviting HER to be honest with you. Family member or not.

Yes, drugs were involved and this person is an addict. They have been in and out of treatment, may or may not be currently. This incident only happened earlier this year so no large recovery steps could be made in that amount of time. And no, this person has had no contact with me to date. Still to fresh.

This person had their chance to "make it right" and chose not too. That's unforgivable for me. TBH, even years later I can't see myself ever being ok around this person. The WP member was asked waaay before the break-in. They have also been separated for some time now, both before and after the incident. But there may be a reconciliation in the works.

I'm just trying to prepare us if that really does happen before the wedding. Afterwards - they can do as they wish. I can't say I would support the decision and frankly could never be OK around this person. That trust is broken beyond repair and just thinking of being in the same house gives me anxiety. I just don't need that in my life. Its not my fault it happened and I shouldn't have to feel like that being around family. FI and I are prepared if it does happen and understand we will likely be looked at poorly in the family and we are OK with that as long as we feel safe.

cheapbrideincentpa · July 2013

get a restraining order- boom, that was easy.

efmcc67 · July 2013

sweetdreamz6700 said:

Yeah, you're cool w/ making an exception to the etiquette rule in this situation.

Out of curiosity, what did they steal?
Some cash, couple tools and all the jewelry I wasn't wearing. I got a lot of it back thankfully. Worst part was a necklace that held my dads ashes which wasn't ever recovered. Sorry, not going to ever get over that one.

That is unbelievably awful. I'm so sorry.

jennylee813 · July 2013

Agree with PPs - don't invite the SO (insert a B at the end for SOB)

And no, don't replace the family member if they decide not to attend. It is rude. Even sides do not matter.

I was a replacement once. I felt pretty crappy. The wedding had been postponed because the groom's divorce didn't go through in time (true story). The original BM couldn't make the trip across the country for the second wedding date months later, so they asked me to fill in. The original BM was younger and smaller than me, so they let the dress out as much as they could, and I could still barely fit into it (the puberty fairy hadn't visited my cousin, the original BM, and I was already a C cup. It was fun.) I wasn't even in the program.

My sides are uneven, and may be even more so. My MOH is pregnant and having some complications. She may not make it to the wedding. Am I stressing over this? Absolutely not! Am I worried about her and her sweet baby? 100%! Will having uneven sides ruin our wedding? Nope - not even close.

If OPs family member decides not to come, that's their decision. OP should express her regret and move on. At the end of the day, she will be married, and that's what matters.

BarbLovesDave · July 2013

BMoreBride6 said:

Just because you don't have a problem with it doesn't mean it is wrong...how would you feel being the person asked as a replacement? "Oh hi friend! I know we didn't ask you to be a part of our wedding party, but now we have uneven sides, would you be a space filler?" not nice.

I have been in that situation and it didn't bother me a bit.

Friend has several sisters, one of whom is a difficult diva. Friend asked sisters to be in the WP, and only sisters. Fine with me.

As planning progressed Diva Sister became more and more difficult. One night, two good long-term friends sat and talked about it, heart-to-heart. I told my friend that if she needed to kick Diva Sister out of the WP, I would step up in a heartbeat. I didn't care if it was literally five minutes before the ceremony. I would have my friend's back no matter what. I meant it then and mean it now. I would consider it an honor to be the kind of person my friend could count on during her special day, especially when her own sister was being such a jerk.

Please tell me I don't have to invite

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