No Strippers at the Bachelor Party

CharlieKay10 · July 2013

I am having a dilemma about my FI's bachelor party. I am vehemently opposed to FI having strippers/dancers at his bachelor party. I am posting this in Etiquette because it is turning into an etiquette kind of situation...Sort of.

The reason I am opposed to strippers is that I was an exotic dancer for 6 months during college - and the experiences I had/the men I met still haunt me to this day. It is just not the place that I want to visualize my future husband enjoying and having a good time in. FI knows all about my past and is wholeheartedly in support of my objection and does not want strippers at the bachelor party. The problem lies with FI's best man - we will call him Jay. Jay is your typical "bro" and, while he has his sweet side, is a very pushy when it comes to what dictates having a good time. He insists that FI has a "boatload" of strippers at his bachelor party because it is "tradition."

This whole conversation started about a month ago between Jay and FI. First, FI said "Nah, no strippers or strip clubs" to Jay and brushed it off. I guess Jay brought it up a few more times and FI said "no" and bean-dipped him every time. Until last weekend when Jay started to poke fun at me that I am not "allowing" FI to have strippers. Jay does not know about my past with stripping so he does not understand my objection. It has gone so far that now Jay's girlfriend is pushing the situation, saying "Come on, don't be such a prude... Let the guys have some fun."

I am not sure how to have FI address this with Jay. Apart from telling Jay that I used to strip (it is not something I talk about publicly - as it happened during a really rocky period of my life), I am seeing no other solution to get him to just drop it. What is the polite/discreet way of saying "Dude, Charlie used to BE one of those women" - how can we get him to just stop?

Edited for: Formatting

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Just tell your FI to man up. This is his situation to deal with. Tell his friend NO, that is not what he wants, it's his decision, and it's final.

MoonlightSilver · July 2013

Agreed with PPs, it doesn't have to do anything with you or your past. Just have your FI say "Jay, I do not want strippers at my party. If they show up, I will be leaving and ending the night."

manateehugger · July 2013

Is there a reason your fiance even remotely hinted this was about you? Why didn't he just say "Jay, I really don't want strippers at my bachelor party. It's just not my thing. I'm not kidding - I won't be attending if there will be strippers arriving."

He needs to take a stand for himself. You should have nothing to do with it (not "you" as in your feelings between you and FI , but "you" as in the reason FI is telling Jay no strippers") in my opinion.

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

CharlieKay10 said:

I am having a dilemma about my FI's bachelor party. I am vehemently opposed to FI having strippers/dancers at his bachelor party. I am posting this in Etiquette because it is turning into an etiquette kind of situation...Sort of.

The reason I am opposed to strippers is that I was an exotic dancer for 6 months during college - and the experiences I had/the men I met still haunt me to this day. It is just not the place that I want to visualize my future husband enjoying and having a good time in. FI knows all about my past and is wholeheartedly in support of my objection and does not want strippers at the bachelor party. The problem lies with FI's best man - we will call him Jay. Jay is your typical "bro" and, while he has his sweet side, is a very pushy when it comes to what dictates having a good time. He insists that FI has a "boatload" of strippers at his bachelor party because it is "tradition."

This whole conversation started about a month ago between Jay and FI. First, FI said "Nah, no strippers or strip clubs" to Jay and brushed it off. I guess Jay brought it up a few more times and FI said "no" and bean-dipped him every time. Until last weekend when Jay started to poke fun at me that I am not "allowing" FI to have strippers. Jay does not know about my past with stripping so he does not understand my objection. It has gone so far that now Jay's girlfriend is pushing the situation, saying "Come on, don't be such a prude... Let the guys have some fun."

I am not sure how to have FI address this with Jay. Apart from telling Jay that I used to strip (it is not something I talk about publicly - as it happened during a really rocky period of my life), I am seeing no other solution to get him to just drop it. What is the polite/discreet way of saying "Dude, Charlie used to BE one of those women" - how can we get him to just stop?

I can sympathize with this issue. My FI has some "bro" friends with "bro wives/gfs" who want to be the "cool wife/gf" and send their men off to Vegas so that "boys can be boys". Yea, I don't think so. The typical "bro" bachelor party is immature and uninspiring at best.

However, this is not your fight to fight. Here's the deal. Your FI asked Jay to be his best man. Jay has offered to throw a party for your FI (not you). Your FI (not you) can decline Jay's offer to host a bachelor party. Plain and simple. "Sorry, Jay. I'd love to have some guy time, but what you're planning doesn't sound like something I'm ok with so I'm going to have to decline all together." Done.

I would encourage you to let your FI handle this and make his own decisions. Speak your piece (sounds like you have) and say no more. Let your FI call the shots. After all, it's HIS party to accept or decline. If he chooses to do this as is (tons of strippers) knowing how you feel, you need to decide if it's an important enough issue to you to continue moving forward in the relationship.

radleyboo · July 2013

There's no reason for your FI to bring up your past. That's personal, private, and the end of it.

Tell your FI to sit 'Jay' down one-on-one and say "Look, I know that this has come up a couple of times and I just want to make MYSELF clear. I do not want to have strippers included in the bachelor party, I'm not comfortable with it and prefer not to objectify women. Let's do something else like golf/go boating/hit a casino/go to a ballgame/hit the beach/you name it." Your FI's preferences really have nothing to do with you, and he can make that clear. If 'Jay' isn't willing to listen after this conversation, I would suggest your FI ask another friend to perhaps step in to assist in planning to keep 'Jay's' ideas in line. Otherwise, he can simply forego the bachelor party.

As for 'Jay's' girlfriend, simply tell her, 'I have nothing to do with what FI wants at his party. That's up to him.' And bean dip her, which it sounds like you are good at. If she thinks you're a 'prude', so what? She sounds like a real peach herself. At the end of the day, what does it matter what she thinks?

Good luck, I hope that your FI is able to have the party he wants and keep his friend under control.

CharlieKay10 · July 2013

Hey all - OP here.

I appreciate all of your suggestions. This whole ordeal never was about me. I am sorry if I did not clarify it correctly but this is all about what FI is thinking. I have nothing to do with his decision to have/not have strippers. He just knew about my past with stripping and we discussed it in relation to his Bachelor party very briefly. It was pretty much:

FI: "Jay will not stop talking about taking me to the strip club for my bachelor party."

Me: "Sounds like Jay. What do you think about it?"

FI: "It really doesn't interest me, considering everything I know about stripping"

I did not mean to come off as catty and "FI, you will NOT go to the strip club." My vehement opposition is not to strippers at his bachelor party, but more of stripping in general as a really sore-spot for me. It was more like "hey, this is something that you helped me to overcome (we met shortly after I was done stripping) so I'd assume you had no interest." And he thought the same thing. As far as I know, FI has not made any mention of me. But Jay, being the guy he is, does not seem to comprehend that FI just has no interest so it must be the woman, right?

I will definitely relay your suggestions to FI. He's been trying to be nice about it because Jay genuinely wants him to have the best bachelor party ever (which in Jay's mind includes strippers). I think FI will just have to become more aggressive in his opposition. I appreciate all of your feedback.

AddieCake · July 2013

I agree your fiance should just be saying that it has nothing to do with you and that he does not want strippers at the party.

radleyboo · July 2013

CharlieKay10 said:

Hey all - OP here.

I appreciate all of your suggestions. This whole ordeal never was about me. I am sorry if I did not clarify it correctly but this is all about what FI is thinking. I have nothing to do with his decision to have/not have strippers. He just knew about my past with stripping and we discussed it in relation to his Bachelor party very briefly. It was pretty much:

FI: "Jay will not stop talking about taking me to the strip club for my bachelor party."
Me: "Sounds like Jay. What do you think about it?"
FI: "It really doesn't interest me, considering everything I know about stripping"

I did not mean to come off as catty and "FI, you will NOT go to the strip club." My vehement opposition is not to strippers at his bachelor party, but more of stripping in general as a really sore-spot for me. It was more like "hey, this is something that you helped me to overcome (we met shortly after I was done stripping) so I'd assume you had no interest." And he thought the same thing. As far as I know, FI has not made any mention of me. But Jay, being the guy he is, does not seem to comprehend that FI just has no interest so it must be the woman, right?

I will definitely relay your suggestions to FI. He's been trying to be nice about it because Jay genuinely wants him to have the best bachelor party ever (which in Jay's mind includes strippers). I think FI will just have to become more aggressive in his opposition. I appreciate all of your feedback.

Jay needs to grow up and redefine his definition of a good time. Sheesh.

KDM323 · July 2013

CharlieKay10 said:

I am having a dilemma about my FI's bachelor party. I am vehemently opposed to FI having strippers/dancers at his bachelor party. I am posting this in Etiquette because it is turning into an etiquette kind of situation...Sort of.

The reason I am opposed to strippers is that I was an exotic dancer for 6 months during college - and the experiences I had/the men I met still haunt me to this day. It is just not the place that I want to visualize my future husband enjoying and having a good time in. FI knows all about my past and is wholeheartedly in support of my objection and does not want strippers at the bachelor party. The problem lies with FI's best man - we will call him Jay. Jay is your typical "bro" and, while he has his sweet side, is a very pushy when it comes to what dictates having a good time. He insists that FI has a "boatload" of strippers at his bachelor party because it is "tradition."

This whole conversation started about a month ago between Jay and FI. First, FI said "Nah, no strippers or strip clubs" to Jay and brushed it off. I guess Jay brought it up a few more times and FI said "no" and bean-dipped him every time. Until last weekend when Jay started to poke fun at me that I am not "allowing" FI to have strippers. Jay does not know about my past with stripping so he does not understand my objection. It has gone so far that now Jay's girlfriend is pushing the situation, saying "Come on, don't be such a prude... Let the guys have some fun."

I am not sure how to have FI address this with Jay. Apart from telling Jay that I used to strip (it is not something I talk about publicly - as it happened during a really rocky period of my life), I am seeing no other solution to get him to just drop it. What is the polite/discreet way of saying "Dude, Charlie used to BE one of those women" - how can we get him to just stop?

Edited for: Formatting

Honestly...I think you should just let it go.

You are allowing an experience you had during your time as a stripper cloud your opinion on this matter...AND you are projecting that onto your fiance.

You've made his bachelor party about you...your feelings, your past and your past experiences. This is supposed to be a night for him and his friends.

Instead, he has a friend wanting to throw him a party...and his future wife all upset over what may or may not happen at that party.

It is pretty much a lose-lose situation for him. He has to go along with you...or he's a jerk.

Your fiance (hopefully) isn't a pig and wouldn't treat any potential strippers that he comes into contact with in a disrespectful manner. Additionally...he would hopefully be respectful enough of you and your relationship to not disrespect that either.

Let it go. Let him have a night with his friends. Don't make it about your past, etc.

If you can't trust your fiance not to be inappropriate then that's a completely different situation.

AddieCake · July 2013

But Kathy, her fiance doesn't want the strippers there, either.

KDM323 · July 2013

See, I read it as that he fiance supports HER objection to strippers and so therefore doesn't want them at his bachelor party.

CharlieKay10 said:

FI knows all about my past and is wholeheartedly in support of my objection and does not want strippers at the bachelor party.

Edited for: Formatting

harper0813 · July 2013

Your FI can plainly tell his friend that he will not attend a bachelor party that involves strippers, and that if strippers show up, he will leave. And then stick to his word.

CharlieKay10 · July 2013

Kathy, I clarified a few posts up that it is more that my FI, knowing about my experiences, has no interest in the strip club rather than that he is opposing only because I am opposed. He does not want strippers at his party at all. His decision was wholly his to make. He just knew how I felt about stripping, in general. His feelings are virtually the same as mine (as we met shortly after I stopped stripping and he was a big help in my moving on from that point of my life). I don't think I clarified the situation clearly in my original post. Thank you for your advice, nonetheless.

KDM323 · July 2013

Sorry - I just saw your later post - I didn't see it when I originally responded.

Honestly though - I'd still just drop the subject and let it go. Otherwise, you're going to give yourself stress and a headache over worrying about how, when, etc your fiance will handle this situation.

One thing I've learned is to just trust my fiance to handle his own shit. Be that with his friends, with bills, with returning calls to his Mom/Aunt, etc.

I let HIM handle it. Sometimes, it takes more self control than others to let him handle it and mind my own business (I can tend to be a bit of a control freak)...but I've found that it keeps me from becoming a nag and also keeps me from worrying too much about HIS business.

If your fiance is opposed to strippers, etc...I'm sure that he'll handle his friend. In whatever way he sees fit to handle him.

Just trust that however this ends up...your fiance respects YOU and that's what matters.

CharlieKay10 · July 2013

drexelkathy said:

Sorry - I just saw your later post - I didn't see it when I originally responded.

Honestly though - I'd still just drop the subject and let it go. Otherwise, you're going to give yourself stress and a headache over worrying about how, when, etc your fiance will handle this situation.

One thing I've learned is to just trust my fiance to handle his own shit. Be that with his friends, with bills, with returning calls to his Mom/Aunt, etc.

I let HIM handle it. Sometimes, it takes more self control than others to let him handle it and mind my own business (I can tend to be a bit of a control freak)...but I've found that it keeps me from becoming a nag and also keeps me from worrying too much about HIS business.

If your fiance is opposed to strippers, etc...I'm sure that he'll handle his friend. In whatever way he sees fit to handle him.

Just trust that however this ends up...your fiance respects YOU and that's what matters.

Agreed. I appreciate your feedback. It is definitely his situation to handle. It just gets annoying when it starts coming around that it's about me - that I'm a prude or whathaveyou. But I definitely see where you and PP's are coming from. It FI's situation to handle. Thank you for the advice. It is much appreciated.

Simply Fated · July 2013

It sounds like you and your fiance are on the same page, so I'm not understanding the problem. If your fiance objects to having strippers, then you need to trust him to stand up to Jay for himself.

BarbLovesDave · July 2013

This is between the engaged man and his friend Jay.

The guest of honor at the party does not want strippers. He needs to make his friend understand that if strippers show up, against his wishes, then there will be consequences.

Best not to spell out consequences in advance, as that comes across as an ultimatum. Ultimatums can be challenging to bonehead like Jay.

FI can make a promise to himself that if strippers arrive, he will get up and leave. Call a cab, go home. Then, after a good night sleep, reconsider his friendship with Jay.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Also, one other thing that jumped out at me (if I'm reading this correctly) is that you disapprove because you saw how awful men can be to strippers. From what you've written here, I doubt your fiance would take part in that behavior, and would instead be respectful. I know you don't support the environment because of how some men act, but acknowledge that your fiance would not be one of those men.

GetThePointe77 · July 2013

At the end of the day, the behavior of Jay does not really reflect on your FI (beyond the friend factor). Its not necessarily something you can control, but you can control your reaction to it. You KNOW your FI is an awesome guy who would never do the things you saw during your 6th months of time, and you TRUST him, otherwise you wouldn't be getting married. Therefore, if a stripper does end up coming, understand that its not your FIs fault, and you should not be mad at FI. Be mad at Jay, thats fine, but its not worth your time and aggravation about something you may not be able to control.

NOLAbridealmost · July 2013

drexelkathy said:

CharlieKay10 said:

I am having a dilemma about my FI's bachelor party. I am vehemently opposed to FI having strippers/dancers at his bachelor party. I am posting this in Etiquette because it is turning into an etiquette kind of situation...Sort of.

The reason I am opposed to strippers is that I was an exotic dancer for 6 months during college - and the experiences I had/the men I met still haunt me to this day. It is just not the place that I want to visualize my future husband enjoying and having a good time in. FI knows all about my past and is wholeheartedly in support of my objection and does not want strippers at the bachelor party. The problem lies with FI's best man - we will call him Jay. Jay is your typical "bro" and, while he has his sweet side, is a very pushy when it comes to what dictates having a good time. He insists that FI has a "boatload" of strippers at his bachelor party because it is "tradition."

This whole conversation started about a month ago between Jay and FI. First, FI said "Nah, no strippers or strip clubs" to Jay and brushed it off. I guess Jay brought it up a few more times and FI said "no" and bean-dipped him every time. Until last weekend when Jay started to poke fun at me that I am not "allowing" FI to have strippers. Jay does not know about my past with stripping so he does not understand my objection. It has gone so far that now Jay's girlfriend is pushing the situation, saying "Come on, don't be such a prude... Let the guys have some fun."

I am not sure how to have FI address this with Jay. Apart from telling Jay that I used to strip (it is not something I talk about publicly - as it happened during a really rocky period of my life), I am seeing no other solution to get him to just drop it. What is the polite/discreet way of saying "Dude, Charlie used to BE one of those women" - how can we get him to just stop?

Edited for: Formatting

Honestly...I think you should just let it go.

You are allowing an experience you had during your time as a stripper cloud your opinion on this matter...AND you are projecting that onto your fiance.

You've made his bachelor party about you...your feelings, your past and your past experiences. This is supposed to be a night for him and his friends.

Instead, he has a friend wanting to throw him a party...and his future wife all upset over what may or may not happen at that party.

It is pretty much a lose-lose situation for him. He has to go along with you...or he's a jerk.

Your fiance (hopefully) isn't a pig and wouldn't treat any potential strippers that he comes into contact with in a disrespectful manner. Additionally...he would hopefully be respectful enough of you and your relationship to not disrespect that either.

Let it go. Let him have a night with his friends. Don't make it about your past, etc.

If you can't trust your fiance not to be inappropriate then that's a completely different situation.

I agree completely with all of this including the use of the highlighted portions of the OP. I know that you came back to clarify that FI apparently doesn't want strippers either, but it's pretty obvious from the original post that this largely bothers you. If it bothers your FI enough that he would want to leave the party or not attend at all, he'll make his feelings known to his friend without your encouragement.

Peledreamsofrain · July 2013

I don't understand why your FI is incapable of putting his foot down. My H and i aren't comfortable with each other seeking out strippers, discussed it, and each put our feet down respectively with our B parties.

If one of my friends had ignored my request and brought a stripper, I would have asked that he leave. If they refused, I would have left out of respect for my H. My H would have done the same.

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