Wedding Etiquette Forum

Is it ok to add, "no gifts, please" on a engagement party invitation?

So before I get started with my explanation I am aware that any mention of gifts on an invite (including that you don't think people need to get them at all) is considered gauche.  I get it, I'm not supposed to be thinking about gifts.  The thing is, we really don't want and can't use gifts at this time, we won't ask for money and I feel if we just spread by word of mouth, only some people will listen and those people may feel bad when others show up with gifts.  

My parents wanted to throw this engagement party for the purpose of my extended family getting a chance to meet my fiance.  We also decided to invite some of his family (parents, siblings, aunts and uncles) so that our families can get to know one another.  The party will be at my parent's house on Long Island where 90% of the guests from my side reside, but his family is in either Connecticut, Massachusetts or Upstate New York so those attending will have to travel a bit.  

One of the things he made clear when we started discussing the engagement party is that he was only ok with it if it was very casual and people didn't bring gifts.  This seemed fine to me because I don't see engagement parties as gift giving opportunities.  Then I went to my cousin's engagement party and everyone seemed to bring a gift.  Most of these same people will be attending mine.

Finally, we just both moved into a smallish (350 square foot) 1 bedroom apartment and are having difficulty getting rid of things so that we can live comfortably.  We don't have any room for more stuff at this time.  We also live 3 hours away from where the party will be and will be getting home by train because we don't have a car.  We can't easily transport gifts to our home without spending a fairly significant amount of money to do so.

All of that being said, would it be appropriate in our situation to put in small font on the bottom right hand corner of the engagement party invitation (no gifts please)?


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Re: Is it ok to add, "no gifts, please" on a engagement party invitation?

  • In my circle, engagement parties aren't gift giving events. 

    In any case, it's inappropriate to tell someone you don't want a gift because it insinuates that you thought they were going to give you one and gifts should never be expected. 
  • In my circle, engagement parties aren't gift giving events. 

    In any case, it's inappropriate to tell someone you don't want a gift because it insinuates that you thought they were going to give you one and gifts should never be expected. 
    I'm totally with you.  Except for this: "One of the things he made clear when we started discussing the engagement party is that he was only ok with it if it was very casual and people didn't bring gifts.  This seemed fine to me because I don't see engagement parties as gift giving opportunities.  Then I went to my cousin's engagement party and everyone seemed to bring a gift.  Most of these same people will be attending mine."
  • Hmmm, we've done invites for other parties (parents anniversary, etc) where we've just said, "your presence is present enough" or something. if you can spread it word of mouth that's better.

    i always bring or send a gift for an EP, so I would LOVE to know i was off the hook!

     

  • Nope, still not ok. If you're that worried about it, I would just decline the party. Why does your extended family need to get to know your fiance now?  They apparently haven't needed to get to know him prior to this, so I would just wait for the next holiday to make that happen. I didn't even meet my husband's mother until the rehearsal dinner and still haven't met his dad. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • Yep, I agree with PP's. You don't mention anything - you're giving the impression of expecting gifts.  Spread by word of mouth that you're really just hoping for a informal get-together. Actually, it might help if you don't even market this thing as an engagement party on your invites.

    If people do give you gifts, just smile and be gracious in your thank you's. That's all you can do. I'm used to just seeing booze and gift cards at engagement parties.

    image
  • The person who specifically doesn't want gifts is my fiance, I didn't realize that wasn't clear; so of course it is completely reasonable for him to be asking such things.
  • Family is very important to us.  We haven't had the opportunity to meet everyone from one another's family because we don't live close and have unfortunately not been able to go to every family function.  Neither of us is ok with meeting someone at our rehearsal or our wedding.  We will both know all of the guests in attendance.

    Because of this, when my parents showed interest in throwing us an engagement party we were happy for it, because it would be a great opportunity to meet one another's family (and have our families meet) while reducing the number of special trips we need to make in the next year.

  • KDM323KDM323 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Don't send physical invitations - don't call it an "engagement party".

    Let your family host a BBQ (or whatever) and invite people via word of mouth.  This will make it a more casual event and perhaps people won't feel inclined to bring presents.
    *** Fairy Tales Do Come True *** Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Yeah - I'm going with call this a family renunion that your fiance will also attend.

    Either you want the party to be about you with the possibility of getting gifts, or you want the party to be about family getting together.

    image
  • fungrl97 said:

    Family is very important to us.  We haven't had the opportunity to meet everyone from one another's family because we don't live close and have unfortunately not been able to go to every family function.  Neither of us is ok with meeting someone at our rehearsal or our wedding.  We will both know all of the guests in attendance.


    Because of this, when my parents showed interest in throwing us an engagement party we were happy for it, because it would be a great opportunity to meet one another's family (and have our families meet) while reducing the number of special trips we need to make in the next year.

    You don't need an engagement party as an excuse to meet each other's family. Take a road trip up to Connecticut or where ever. Hold a family reunion. Just don't have a gift giving event and you won't get gifts. Easy peasy.
    image
  • You don't need an engagement party as an excuse to meet each other's family. Take a road trip up to Connecticut or where ever. Hold a family reunion. Just don't have a gift giving event and you won't get gifts. Easy peasy.
    This. If it's so important to meet, just meet. No party necessary. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • fungrl97 said:
    Family is very important to us.  We haven't had the opportunity to meet everyone from one another's family because we don't live close and have unfortunately not been able to go to every family function.  Neither of us is ok with meeting someone at our rehearsal or our wedding.  We will both know all of the guests in attendance.

    Because of this, when my parents showed interest in throwing us an engagement party we were happy for it, because it would be a great opportunity to meet one another's family (and have our families meet) while reducing the number of special trips we need to make in the next year.

    Congratulations! Just remember the etiquette of engagement parties:

    1) don't throw it for yourself (sounds like you're not - so bravo!)
    2) have it within 3 months of your engagement
    3) anyone who gets invited to this party must be invited to your wedding

    Just don't mention anything about gifts. Let your parents/the hosts know that if anyone asks them about presents that you do not want any gifts. Someone is bound to bring you something (even if it's just a bottle of wine). Just be gracious and write thank you notes. No big deal.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • Since when is an engagement party a gift giving event in the first place?  I feel like that is my biggest issue here.  This is not a shower!  This is a party my parents want to throw to show us off and say yay!  Our daughter got engaged and come meet her awesome fiance!  

    I hate that I'm even in the position of feeling I need to fend off gifts - which I'm doing in part because we really can't use them, and in part because if his parents spread by word of mouth to his family that we don't want gifts, they're going to listen.  If my parents do the same, no one will listen.  I don't want one side of the family to show up with gifts and the other side to be empty handed.  That's awkward.  

    Etiquette is about (or should be about) making people feel comfortable - how does not mentioning gifts on an invite and winding up with guests feeling weird make people feel comfortable?  Frankly, I'm not going to listen to the advice here because only one or two people included actual reasons for not putting this on our invites, and those that did just don't apply to us.  I do understand that we should never expect gifts, because frankly, we shouldn't.  But when I was just at the same type of party a few weeks ago and everyone brought a gift, I'm not sure it's an assumption anymore.

    There were even people who said if we don't want gifts, don't accept the engagement party.  I get that - trust me this makes me want to just elope so badly!  But my parents would be very disappointed if I did that - they want to show off a bit and I get it.  

    Ok, rant over - I won't ask any more questions about etiquette anymore, I'll just stick to Miss Manners and common sense.  Thanks for the replies everyone - I do appreciate the time spent responding.
  • Can you change the name of the party? As in "engagement party" means bring a gift (among my family and friends) but a "family get together bbq" does not.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

    image 293 (Adults) Invited
    image198 Yes (+ 12 children and 3 babies)
    image95 No
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  • fungrl97 said:
    Since when is an engagement party a gift giving event in the first place?  I feel like that is my biggest issue here.  This is not a shower!  This is a party my parents want to throw to show us off and say yay!  Our daughter got engaged and come meet her awesome fiance!  

    I hate that I'm even in the position of feeling I need to fend off gifts - which I'm doing in part because we really can't use them, and in part because if his parents spread by word of mouth to his family that we don't want gifts, they're going to listen.  If my parents do the same, no one will listen.  I don't want one side of the family to show up with gifts and the other side to be empty handed.  That's awkward.  

    Etiquette is about (or should be about) making people feel comfortable - how does not mentioning gifts on an invite and winding up with guests feeling weird make people feel comfortable?  Frankly, I'm not going to listen to the advice here because only one or two people included actual reasons for not putting this on our invites, and those that did just don't apply to us.  I do understand that we should never expect gifts, because frankly, we shouldn't.  But when I was just at the same type of party a few weeks ago and everyone brought a gift, I'm not sure it's an assumption anymore.

    There were even people who said if we don't want gifts, don't accept the engagement party.  I get that - trust me this makes me want to just elope so badly!  But my parents would be very disappointed if I did that - they want to show off a bit and I get it.  

    Ok, rant over - I won't ask any more questions about etiquette anymore, I'll just stick to Miss Manners and common sense.  Thanks for the replies everyone - I do appreciate the time spent responding.
    So you asked if it was ok, and people said no, so you're just done bothering with us?  Why did you ask in the first place, then? 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • Can you change the name of the party? As in "engagement party" means bring a gift (among my family and friends) but a "family get together bbq" does not.
    So on the actual invite - we are calling it a family bbq not an engagement party - but it's also clear that the reason for the family bbq is celebrating our engagement (because that is what my parents want to do and they're actually the ones throwing the party).  I'm not sure if there is any real difference there, but I don't get a say in that.  My parents are fine with putting no gifts (she's with me on thinking gifts are not needed at engagement parties - but she also brings gifts to engagement parties because she thinks that it is expected.)  I was just hesitant because I know it technically is not good etiquette to think about gifts at all.  But I've decided that not having an awkward moment where half of the people bring gifts and half of the people don't is more important.  If one or two people bring something, that's cool, I won't make a big deal about it either way and will send out a thank you card; I just think it will be very noticeable in a bad way if all the people from one side of the family bring gifts and all the people from the other side of the family don't.
  • AddieL73 said:
    So you asked if it was ok, and people said no, so you're just done bothering with us?  Why did you ask in the first place, then? 


    I asked because I did want feedback.  But more than just, "nope you can't do that."  I wanted reasons.  I got, "nope than you shouldn't have an engagement party."  I'm very happy that I did post this because it made me realize that maybe there aren't any real reasons for not putting something like "no gifts please" on an invite, so long as you know that in your social group gifts would otherwise be expected.  I was able to flesh out what really mattered to me, which is that there is no awkward dichotomy of one side of the family getting gifts and the other side not getting gifts.  Could I have done that on my own and not involved anyone - probably - but this worked and I realized that the etiquette thread here probably isn't the best place for me.  I prefer when etiquette is more explained with the reasons behind it and I just didn't see that on this thread.  Again, thanks for responding.
  • fungrl97 said:
    Can you change the name of the party? As in "engagement party" means bring a gift (among my family and friends) but a "family get together bbq" does not.
    So on the actual invite - we are calling it a family bbq not an engagement party - but it's also clear that the reason for the family bbq is celebrating our engagement (because that is what my parents want to do and they're actually the ones throwing the party).  I'm not sure if there is any real difference there, but I don't get a say in that.  My parents are fine with putting no gifts (she's with me on thinking gifts are not needed at engagement parties - but she also brings gifts to engagement parties because she thinks that it is expected.)  I was just hesitant because I know it technically is not good etiquette to think about gifts at all.  But I've decided that not having an awkward moment where half of the people bring gifts and half of the people don't is more important.  If one or two people bring something, that's cool, I won't make a big deal about it either way and will send out a thank you card; I just think it will be very noticeable in a bad way if all the people from one side of the family bring gifts and all the people from the other side of the family don't.
    So, you're still writing "Please don't bring gifts?" I bolded a section - it's not good etiquette to write that. 

    I think you either need to talk with your mother and make it a non-engagement party and "family gathering" (where there can still be a toast to "celebrate" you) or just decide to accept the gifts graciously. I really don't see any other options.

    And please don't try to balance things out on sides. One side may or may not give more than the other. You can't worry about that.
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    image 293 (Adults) Invited
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  •  

    fungrl97 said:
    Can you change the name of the party? As in "engagement party" means bring a gift (among my family and friends) but a "family get together bbq" does not.
    So on the actual invite - we are calling it a family bbq not an engagement party - but it's also clear that the reason for the family bbq is celebrating our engagement (because that is what my parents want to do and they're actually the ones throwing the party).  I'm not sure if there is any real difference there, but I don't get a say in that.  My parents are fine with putting no gifts (she's with me on thinking gifts are not needed at engagement parties - but she also brings gifts to engagement parties because she thinks that it is expected.)  I was just hesitant because I know it technically is not good etiquette to think about gifts at all.  But I've decided that not having an awkward moment where half of the people bring gifts and half of the people don't is more important.  If one or two people bring something, that's cool, I won't make a big deal about it either way and will send out a thank you card; I just think it will be very noticeable in a bad way if all the people from one side of the family bring gifts and all the people from the other side of the family don't.


    Oh FFS. Saying "Hey we want to get everyone together so you can meet fiance" is NOT the same as "You are cordially invited to a celebration of the engagement of X & X."

    It's just gifts! Spread by word of mouth that you don't want any and just deal with the rest. People are adults - they can handle themselves at an engagement party if they don't bring a gift. Engagement party gifts are just like wedding gifts - people set them off to the side. It's not like a shower where people acknowledge every gift and the giver of that gift.

    You're making this so much harder than it has to be.

    image
  • I think you have your answer: call it a family BBQ, and if someone dares bring a gift, accept it graciously.

    Don't stress over the gifts, enjoy introducing FI to your family.

  • It sounds like you want to say "no gifts". People are telling you that any mention of presents is against etiquette. If you want to break that rule, fine - at least you know you're breaking it and deciding to do it anyway. 

    Honestly though, the proper way to handle this is to say nothing and tell your parents (the hosts) to spread the word by word of mouth when people ask (they will). Don't register anywhere. If someone gives you a bottle of wine, write a thank you note. Easy peasy. No need to make a mountain out of a mole hill.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • image
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • fungrl97 said:
    Since when is an engagement party a gift giving event in the first place?  I feel like that is my biggest issue here.  This is not a shower!  This is a party my parents want to throw to show us off and say yay!  Our daughter got engaged and come meet her awesome fiance!  

    I hate that I'm even in the position of feeling I need to fend off gifts - which I'm doing in part because we really can't use them, and in part because if his parents spread by word of mouth to his family that we don't want gifts, they're going to listen.  If my parents do the same, no one will listen.  I don't want one side of the family to show up with gifts and the other side to be empty handed.  That's awkward.  

    Etiquette is about (or should be about) making people feel comfortable - how does not mentioning gifts on an invite and winding up with guests feeling weird make people feel comfortable?  Frankly, I'm not going to listen to the advice here because only one or two people included actual reasons for not putting this on our invites, and those that did just don't apply to us.  I do understand that we should never expect gifts, because frankly, we shouldn't.  But when I was just at the same type of party a few weeks ago and everyone brought a gift, I'm not sure it's an assumption anymore.

    There were even people who said if we don't want gifts, don't accept the engagement party.  I get that - trust me this makes me want to just elope so badly!  But my parents would be very disappointed if I did that - they want to show off a bit and I get it.  

    Ok, rant over - I won't ask any more questions about etiquette anymore, I'll just stick to Miss Manners and common sense.  Thanks for the replies everyone - I do appreciate the time spent responding.
    If you are mature enough to get married, then you should be mature enough to say, "Thank you so much for offering to throw us an engagement party, but Fi and I decided that we don't want one."
    Your parents will just have to be mature, too, and get over it.

    Common sense should tell you not to mention gifts on an invitation.
    Miss Manners tell you that, too...
    http://living.msn.com/life-inspired/miss-manners-advice/miss-manners-the-invitation-says-no-gifts-…-but-what-does-that-really-mean
    no instructions about presents, even negative instructions, belong on an invitation. The host is not supposed to be thinking of the possibility of getting stuff from his guests.
    image
  • Don't send physical invitations - don't call it an "engagement party".

    Let your family host a BBQ (or whatever) and invite people via word of mouth.  This will make it a more casual event and perhaps people won't feel inclined to bring presents.
    Yes this is what I was thinking...don't make the party about you and FI.  Just let your parents throw a party getting everyone together
  • Thank you for the gif, addie!!!!
  • Regardless of the nature of the party, I think your FI needs to accept that it is not polite to put any kind of "no gifts, please" on an invitation; in addition, he needs to graciously accept any gifts that are given.  This means warmly thanking the givers for their generosity.

    After the party, you and he can do with the gifts as you see fit.  But you cannot try to pre-empt gift giving by telling others not to.
  • I actually gave you the reason behind not writing no gifts. I was the first damn person to respond, so don't say you didn't get the answer you were looking for. 
  • What is the rationale behind the widely-accepted logic that it's rude to decline gifts in print but perfectly acceptable to do the same verbally?
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