Logistics

Re: Logistics

• daisey18 member

  

  July 2013

   Is she paying for the 60 people on her side? Is she going to kick up a fuss or try to invite more? Sometimes PP's with intercultural weddings have posted about FMIL sending out completely different invitations, and it really teed them off.

   I don't know how to advise you w/o knowing who is paying for what- but I think your FI should sit down with his mom and explain that "snoopycac is very type A and uber organized, and you need to give her a list with names and addresses asap." Handing her a stack of invites is just no good for anything- that would drive me nuts too!

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• snoopycac member

  

  July 2013

  For reference, she isn't contributing financially at all.
  

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• daisey18 member

  

  July 2013

  BTW- NO! Do not just "go with it" and accept her ridiculous excuse. Next time she tells you how things do or do not work for Asian people, counter that they do no work that way for whatever ethnicity your people are. Repeat as needed.

  My first husband was from a completely different culture, and my in-laws never gave me grief like this.

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• daria24 member

  

  July 2013

  First, everyone who receives an STD must receive an invitation, but not everyone who gets an invite must get an STD. So if you don't get everyone's name and addressing time to send STDs, it's ok.
  
  Second, your FI needs to tell his mother that she has until X date to give you names and addresses, if you don't get the info, those people don't get an invitation. Does your FI have a sister or aunt who might be able to provide addresses as a backup?

  

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  July 2013

  Give her a hard and fast deadline. "We are sending out STDs and we need the names and addresses of people you want to invite by Friday July 19th. If we don't get your names and addresses by then, here's the list we're inviting." Give her the list you have. Have FI remind her every other day until the deadline.
  
  Do not allow this woman to dictate any of this. This is your wedding that you are financing and she is a guest.

  *********************************************************************************

  
  

  

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• aurianna member

  

  July 2013 edited July 2013

  Personally... in that situation I'd only send STDs to VIPs / people that you and the groom really want there, and to family members on her side that you really want there and could obtain the addresses from yourself.
  
  If she's this flaky, there's a chance that she could give you a list made in a hurry and then down the road come up with 20 more people that totally "need" to be invited. You'll already be locked into the people you sent the STDs to so you'll have less wiggle room.
  I just see red flags here and I would wait to committing to everyone on her list until after you've reigned her in a little. But maybe that's just my being overly cautious.
  

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• Bubbles2014 member

  

  July 2013

  "MIL we need your guest list by the 1st of September. If we don't have it we will assume that you don't want to invite anyone and we will adjust the guest list accordingly".
  
  If she throws a "that's not how things work in my culture" line I'd just shrug and say the guests can probably figure out that it's a wedding involving different cultures and that you are doing what works for you, the host.
  

  
  

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• BMoreBride6 member

  

  July 2013

  and DO NOT by any means let her "just hand them out".  You are asking for trouble there (by not directly addressing people on the invite).  She may intent to invite a couple, and couple assumes invite is for them, their 10 kids, and parents...

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• Simply Fated member

  

  July 2013

  I remember a previous thread where someone was in a very similar situation as you.
  I think someone suggested that the bride (or groom, I forgot which side it was) should explain that because their venue requires a definite headcount, the open door tradition just won't work.

  
  

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• BarbLovesDave member

  

  July 2013

  You and your family are hosting the event. You control the guest list.
  
  I, personally, don't like STDs because they lock in the guest list way too early. If you send STDs to some eventually-invited guests, but not others, and word gets around, that makes it obvious that some guests are B-Listers.
  
  Here are my suggestions:
  
  1. Consider eliminating STDs entirely. Anyone who is close to you already knows the date. Thus, you buy some time in dealing with FMIL.
  
  2. Ask Son to deal with Mom and you stay out of it. Well in advance of invitation time (or now if you continue with STDs), tell your guy that you need a guest list, complete with names and addresses. He can come up with a list of his own relatives and close family friends even if Mom drags her feet. Once Mom sees she's being left out of the list-making, she might get off her duff and start participating. If she still doesn't help, then you simply invite the people on the groom's list of family and close friends. Period. Done.

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• snoopycac member

  

  July 2013

  @BarbLovesDave , I appreciate your suggestions. However they just wont work in my situation.
  
  My budget is so small that if I eliminate our STD's (which are already ordered and have arrived) that is just so much money wasted and I could have been able to do so much more for the wedding. Also, we have B-listed no one. Luckily for us, since our families are so small we were able to invite pretty much anyone we desired. (I realize not too many couples have this luxury).
  
  Second, FI would be able to come up with the guest list himself, if he knew their names. His side of the family lives across the country (or world) from us and he hasn't seen or heard from them since he was a toddler. So FMIL is really our only hope for his side knowing about the wedding wether it be from STD or formal invitation.
  
  I think FI is just going to have to get "down and dirty" and tell his mom what is what and say that this is how we are choosing to organize the wedding and if she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to come. (Or something of that sorts). Thanks for all of the input!
  

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• KDM323 member

  

  July 2013

  Yeah...your FI is going to have to tell his Mother that he needs the guest list by X date and that if he doesn't have it, they will not be invited.  You can appreciate Thai tradition all you want...but the fact is that you need a definite head count for budget purposes.
  

  *** Fairy Tales Do Come True ***

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• BarbLovesDave member

  

  July 2013

  snoopycac said:

  @BarbLovesDave , I appreciate your suggestions. However they just wont work in my situation.
  
  My budget is so small that if I eliminate our STD's (which are already ordered and have arrived) that is just so much money wasted and I could have been able to do so much more for the wedding. Also, we have B-listed no one. Luckily for us, since our families are so small we were able to invite pretty much anyone we desired. (I realize not too many couples have this luxury).
  
  Second, FI would be able to come up with the guest list himself, if he knew their names. His side of the family lives across the country (or world) from us and he hasn't seen or heard from them since he was a toddler. So FMIL is really our only hope for his side knowing about the wedding wether it be from STD or formal invitation.
  
  I think FI is just going to have to get "down and dirty" and tell his mom what is what and say that this is how we are choosing to organize the wedding and if she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to come. (Or something of that sorts). Thanks for all of the input!
  

  
  You're on the right track. Let Son deal with Mom. Either she comes up with the list by X date, or Son will have to create a guest list, himself, with the names and addresses known to him.
  
  It might not be a bad idea for him to get started on this. Once Mom sees that Son has a list of names and addresses, she will see he's not just blowing smoke.

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• AllieBear725 member

  

  July 2013 edited July 2013

  I'm not trying to be a bitch and thread jack you, but unless you actually have OCD as a diagnosed medical condition please don't use the term so freely. It's offensive to those who have to live with it on a daily basis. 

  
  

  As per the topic, I agree with PP to let your FI deal with his mother. I had a similar problem and FI nipped it in the bud once I let him know it was actually becoming an issue. 

  
  

  ETA: Spelling.

  
  

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• TheBaysideBride member

  

  July 2013

  since it sounds like part of what you need in guidance on venue, etc, I woudl also limit how many people thye can invite. FI should tell FMIL "You and Dad have 30 invitations. We need the names by July 15th. We are sending all the STDs on July 16th."

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• snoopycac member

  

  July 2013

  AllieBear725 said:

  I'm not trying to be a bitch and thread jack you, but unless you actually have OCD as a diagnosed medical condition please don't use the term so freely. It's offensive to those who have to live with it on a daily basis. 

  
  

  As per the topic, I agree with PP to let your FI deal with his mother. I had a similar problem and FI nipped it in the bud once I let him know it was actually becoming an issue. 

  
  

  ETA: Spelling.

  I am sorry. I did not mean to offend anyone. I was trying to convey the urgentness and perfectionist mindset. If i used the wrong wording, i apologize.
  
  As for everything else, I have an uodate. My FMIL texted me the names of her guests and told me that STD's are a waste of time with her family so i shouldnt send them one. But at least i have a guest count from her. Thank goodness!

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