is there etiquette around taking your husband's name?

cruffino · July 2013

i don't want to change my name after we get married. is there any etiquette around name changing? what are you guys doing?

coolwhipz1 · July 2013

You can either take or not depending on what you want. There isn't any rule saying you need to change or hyphenate or whatever.

I took my DHs last name and just dropped mine. I had no attachment to mine and I kinda hated it.

does your FI feel strongly either way on this?

WinstonsGirl · July 2013

It's up to you and maybe a tiny bit your FI too. I kept my maiden name, partially cos I'm a little attached to it, especially in the classroom, and also cos DH is from South America where he grew up that women don't change their name. Both parents last names are passed to the kids, though they only use the paternal last name normally. DH didn't care what I did though

cruffino · July 2013

i love my name and don't care for his. also, for me its an identity thing. he respects whatever choice i make, but we haven't discussed it at length, and i think he would want me to take his name. i don't want to hurt him, but i just don't want to do it.

MoxieMickie · July 2013

It's totally up to you and your FI should support you if you want to keep your name, just as you should support him if he wants to keep his name.

hockey20 · July 2013

I'll be changing mine, but I have no ties or real love for my current last name.

I know where I live you have several options, you can keep your last name or change it to your spouses, you can also hyphenate. There's also the alternative of changing your middle name to your maiden name and taking your spouses last name as yours.

NOLAbridealmost · July 2013

There's no etiquette for this personal choice.

cruffino · July 2013

a related question: if one chooses to take her husband's name, it there any etiquette around informing others of the change? i.e.: sending out a note?

BarbLovesDave · July 2013

Here's the etiquette rule:

It's your choice.

Make your choice, then CLEARLY COMMUNICATE that choice to your friends and family. I know brides who have waffled on this long after W-Day.

I kept my own last name, full time, after I got married. I'm glad I did. It works for me.

StephJean83 · July 2013

I am taking FH's last name and ditching my maiden name completely. I love my dad but it is his adoptive father's name and AF was a complete ass. It is also wicked long vs the short last name of FH.

I think the best way to get it across to people, whatever you decide, is how you are announced at the wedding. Like Mr. and Mrs. Tom Jones vs Mr. Tom Jones and Ms. Suzy Doe. Plus you can update your social media and email to reflect the name change. People will catch on to what you decide to do.

AddieCake · July 2013

cruffino said:

a related question: if one chooses to take her husband's name, it there any etiquette around informing others of the change? i.e.: sending out a note?

No. There's no need to send announcements to people saying, "Hey, guess what! I got married and am changing my name!"

Maggie0829 · July 2013

For changing your name it is completely up to you and you alone. Your FI should support whatever decision you make. Changing or not changing your name does not make you any more or less married.

As for letting people know about your name change you don't have to send any kind of note or message. On your thank you notes just make sure that your return address includes the name you have decided to go with. Most likely people will automatically think you are taking his last name so if you decide not to be prepared for a lot of correcting.

daria24 · July 2013

I didn't change my name. I told my mother and FMIL, they spread the word around. Though it wasn't really necessary with my family-they would have all fainted from shock if I did change it.

The only "etiquette" I can think of is that if you are changing your name, don't start using your married name until you are actually married. One of the girls on my month board started calling herself "Mrs. Smith" two months before the wedding because "she just couldn't wait." Dumb.

MoonlightSilver · July 2013

cruffino said:

a related question: if one chooses to take her husband's name, it there any etiquette around informing others of the change? i.e.: sending out a note?

You should let your bank and bill companies know through calling or emailing them, but you don't need to tell friends or family. Just start using it on your mail (return address), or facebook, or if someone asks you to sign something. People will figure it out.

KayDeee · July 2013

Question for the ladies that have changed their names: what do you mean specifically by "ditched my maiden name completely?" Do you mean no hyphenating? Or was keeping the maiden name as a middle name an option? I am just curious what "options" you have all considered.

I do know friends who both changed their names completely and friends who combined both their last names to create a new name for their family. Personal choices that worked out really well for both of them.

I have not 100% decided yet myself, I am an older bride whose had my name for a very long time (not that that matters totally at all, I am just saying) so it will be an adjustment if I do--more professionally than anything.

But I do like my fiances last name a lot and he has not pressured me in any way. He's actually very nicely explained to my FMIL that I have not made that decision yet, after she mentioned that we would have the same initials after our wedding, just assuming I'd take his name.

SB1512 · July 2013

I am changing my last name to FI's, but for Facebook I did put my maiden name as my middle name, so people who knew me as SB Maiden name could find me. My email address has my maiden name in it too. I may change it eventually, but right now I have a lot of job applications there with that email, so I'm keeping it for the time being.

Question for those who didn't change their name: What did you do about any wedding checks you got that were written assuming you were changing your name? We got a lot of Pay to the order of Mr. and Mrs. husband's last name, or FI and SB husband's last name and the bank said we could not deposit them until my last name reflected what was on the check. They said they could try to deposit them, but for every returned check their would be a fee so we didn't want to risk it. If I wasn't changing my name, I don't know what we would do........contact 50 people to write us new checks?

SB1512 · July 2013

Hmmm. H's bank didn't seem to give us that option. They just said they could only take checks that were made out only to H, or checks that were made out to both of us but with my maiden name and an "or" in between our names. That's not to say that option didn't exist, they just didn't mention it. Good to know though.

daria24 · July 2013

Even if you are changing your name, you most likely won't have done it legally until weeks after your wedding, long after you are depositing the checks.

I didn't change my name, none of the branches I went to had any issue with depositing checks made out to "Mr. and Mrs. Smith." We both had to sign the checks, and they were deposited into our joint account. I didn't even have to show a marriage license or anything.

cmiles89 · July 2013

If you're established professionally, I know a lot of women who decide not to change it, or to at least hyphenate. It becomes a matter of regaining an identity if you do change, particularly in higher education or publishing.

My problem is that if I don't change my name, our family name dies out, no chance of being passed down. However, I get the feeling it's expected in his family. Also, if I don't take his name, what about potential children? Do they hyphenate? Pick one when they're older? GAH!

So for you, it sounds like there's an option. I'm sure if you talk with him about it you can come to an understanding. If he tries to say "well, that's how it's traditionally done"... I would personally have a problem with that, but it's up you.

Ultimately it's your choice, no matter what.

NOLAbridealmost · July 2013

BarbLovesDave said:

Here's the etiquette rule:

It's your choice.

Make your choice, then CLEARLY COMMUNICATE that choice to your friends and family. I know brides who have waffled on this long after W-Day.

I kept my own last name, full time, after I got married. I'm glad I did. It works for me.

There's no etiquette rule that says you have to clearly communicate what you choose. There's no rule that says you can't waffle about your choice for years to come.

I go by my maiden name professionally. I go by my married name on facebook so clients can't find me. Friends call me both and I don't care which they use. I tend to introduce myself using my maiden name.

This isn't true in every state, but in Louisiana either spouse can use either spouse's last name for owning property, signing contracts, using bank accounts, etc. and there's no formal procedure to change it at all. Many countries in Europe operate similarly from what I understand.

There's nothing wrong with choosing one, choosing the other, using both, or waiting many years to switch names. Nothing wrong at all. It would be rude, however, to be nasty about someone calling your the wrong name particularly if you haven't been clear about which one you'd like to use.

I think the etiquette is: choose your name when you want to. Or don't. Whatever. But smile and politely say "It's actually _______, now" if someone uses the wrong one.

SB1512 · July 2013

daria24 said:

Even if you are changing your name, you most likely won't have done it legally until weeks after your wedding, long after you are depositing the checks.

I didn't change my name, none of the branches I went to had any issue with depositing checks made out to "Mr. and Mrs. Smith." We both had to sign the checks, and they were deposited into our joint account. I didn't even have to show a marriage license or anything.

Hmm I guess every bank has a different policy. Like I said, we can't deposit these checks until my name is changed, according to the bank. They wouldn't even let me sign the checks over to him, so I guess these guests are going to have to wait a few weeks for their checks to clear.

AnitaH08 · July 2013

I will be dropping my maiden name completely. It is in part to disassociate myself from my father's family because most of them are not people I like very much. Moving it to my middle name or hyphenating were not an options I considered because of the length (12 letters). It's hard enough to fit on the signature line of forms, checks, etc. without adding FI's not-short last name (9 letters) into the mix.

Edited to fix weird wording.

daria24 · July 2013

StageManager14 said:

When I say I dropped it completely, I mean that I didn't hyphenate(Jane Beth Doe-Smith), keep it as a first last name (Jane Beth Doe Smith) or replace my middle name with it (Jane Doe Smith), all of which were options in my state. And as far as how long it takes to change your name, I have no clue why posters are saying "a few weeks". I guess it depends on how long it takes to get your marriage certificate. We were married on a Sunday, came back from our honeymoon that next Friday to find our certificate waiting for us, and by 5pm the following Tuesday, my name change was done. It would have been done on Monday, but H and I both had to be present at our bank and he wasnt available on Monday.

It took me six weeks to get my certified copy of marriage from the PA clerk. And I mailed in the signed marriage license the day after our wedding. If I had been able to go down to the courthouse in person, I could have had it in hand within days.

cheapbrideincentpa · July 2013

My problem is that if I don't change my name, our family name dies out, no chance of being passed down. However, I get the feeling it's expected in his family. Also, if I don't take his name, what about potential children? Do they hyphenate? Pick one when they're older? GAH!

I am not taking his name- I don't feel the need to change my identity just because I am getting married, and I have huge issues with the historical reasons women change names (it was a sign of ownership) It was something I was open with FI, from the start of our relationship. Some guys around here would have a big problem with it, and any guy like that is not a good fit for me.

I am going to have the DJ and our officiant use our individual full names. If it comes up in conversation I will make sure to tell people. But other than correcting people hopefully just once it won't be an issue.

I'm sure his family will not like it, but I don't care. It's my personal identity and its not a choice for them to make. If we decide to have a child it will have my name as a second middle name, or a first last name, depending on how you look at it. Also with us, we are the only chance either side will have to carry on the last name, so why not include both?

is there etiquette around taking your husband's name?

Re: is there etiquette around taking your husband's name?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

is there etiquette around taking your husband's name?

Re: is there etiquette around taking your husband&#039;s name?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Re: is there etiquette around taking your husband's name?