Apparently I'm strange for behaving a certain way

Scullychic · July 2013

Looking for advice on here is like throwing a zebra to a bunch of crocs.

HisGirlFriday13 · July 2013

(It took me three tries, but I finally got through that. Paragraphs are your friend.)

It sounds like you and Sally have been drifting apart. In your post, you make several very judgemental statements about her -- it seems like you don't really want to be friends with her anymore anyway.

That being said, you cannot make judgement calls about whether she should bag your wedding for her sister's birthday (whether it's a milestone or not is irrelevant and not your business). Also, no one owes you a card, or a gift, or anything else for attending your wedding. Other than showing up on time, which she didn't do, but you didn't have to delay the start of your wedding for her.

Etiquette dictates, however, that she didn't have to do any more than what she did.

BarbLovesDave · July 2013

You don't have much in common with Sally. She isn't real thrilled with your life choices, nor are you with hers.

Just let it go. Move on.

lovesclimbing · July 2013

H and I had many friends who did not give us a card or gift. We honestly didn't give it a second thought. Gifts and cards are not required and we were just overjoyed that they were able to join us on our wedding day.

Everything else, I ditto @BarbLovesDave. It sounds like you guys are no longer as close as you were. Sometimes friendships grow apart and it's up to you if you want to continue to pursue her as a friend.

Ajuliana · July 2013

Agree with PP. She's just not that into you.

OliveOilsMom · July 2013

Scullychic said:

So, I had a very small wedding. 25 people. I had no bridal party. No bridal shower. No bachelorette party. You just had to show up. My husband and I invited our immediate family members (parents, grandparents, siblings) Then we each invited 2 friends plus whomever they were going to bring. We originally just wanted to go to the JP but our families insisted we have something small to include them. No problem. Well, I invited my two best friends. One I had been friends with for 22 years. I'll call her "Sally". Sally came late to the wedding and we had to delay about 20 min until she got there. No big deal. Well after the extremely short ceremony (5 or 10 min) We went back and ate lunch in the winery that the wedding was held at. Did the cake and all of that. There was no dancing but people were just sitting around, talking, and drinking wine. We were all chit chatting and having a good time. All except for Sally. She left right after the dinner. She also had apologized that she forgot my card on the way out the door. Again no biggie. Sally's excuse for leaving right after dinner was that my wedding happened to fall on her sister's birthday (not any milestone birthday either). I thought that was strange but oh well. So after some time I realized my friend had not gotten us a card and I just chalked it up to her not having much money. Well quite a while after the wedding, we had a little disagreement which led to her telling me she doesn't like my husband. Meanwhile my husband is a great guy. Fantastic father, has a good job that he has been going to for over 10 years. He is very good to me and is sensitive to my needs. He has his little downfalls to but nothing major or out of the ordinary. Mostly the big one is that he isn't very social. Sally doesn't like the fact that my husband hasn't gone out of his way to get to know her (neither has she quite frankly). She brought up all of the times she had invited us to do things and we declined. (meanwhile, I was pregnant and working during a really hot summer and really didn't want to go sit up at a hot trailer in the middle of the woods, not near any kind of body of water (her camp).The time she is referring to, me and my hubby (he was my fiance at the time) and I were still in the new stages of a relationship and just wanted to do nothing together. ) Not to mention Sally and her bf don't have the best hygiene and their house was very very smelly due to many more animals than their little home could hold. My hubby really would've preferred to not go to their house. I really tried to avoid it a lot too but put up with it because she was my best friend. But to him, she was only this person he had met a couple times.....What I am getting at here is that now, I believe her behavior about not giving us any card or anything and leaving right after the wedding was due to her disdain for my husband. I feel like I wasted a spot at my wedding. I had a few other friends that would've liked to be there and who supported our union from the get go. I also feel like by her doing that, it was a huge disrespect to me, her best friend of 22 years to not trust me and support me on my decision of whom I was marrying. I could understand if I was being abused in any way or controlled but neither of those are realities for me. Am I in the wrong for thinking that was bad etiquette on her part? Or am I wrong for even thinking my best friend should have contributed something? Even a card with a little note "well wishes" would've been great! Whether they would've been sincere or not is irrelevant. I just wanted the support of my friend. To realize that this was the best thing for me whether its the guy she would've picked or not. I'm ready to end my friendship with her for good over this. I just feel that anyone who would be so immature and selfish, shouldn't be in my life anyways. Am I wrong about this??

It sounds like your friend doesn't like your H because, to her, he took you out of her life. And as PP said, you made some very judgmental statements about her. Just let this friendship fizzle. If you were truly wanting to keep the friendship going, you would have found things to do together that didn't involve her non-ac'd trailer or her smelly house.

harper0813 · July 2013

Your real problem here is that you two just aren't friends anymore. If I were her, I also would have been put off by you always turning down plans. Did you ever suggest doing something else besides visiting her home? Because the hygiene and pets are a non-issue if you have her over at your place or if you go out. I have definitely lost friends over consuming relationships, just like she has, and it has definitely made me question how healthy that relationship is.

Let the friendship die. She doesn't owe you a present, or even a card, and she sent you the clear message that she's not interested in continuing your friendship.

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

There are two separate issues here:

1) She did not bring a card to your wedding and left after dinner.

She did not do anything wrong here from an etiquette perspective (being late to your wedding was rude, however).

2) She does not like your new H and you have some issues with her as well.

It sounds like you two are drifting apart. She feels as though you stopped hanging out with her when you started your relationship with H (from what you said, it's kind of true) and she may feel slighted by that. She also has stated (possibly in the heat of an argument) that she does not like your H. You and H on the other hand, do not want to hang out at her house because it's dirty and you feel that she doesn't support you or trust your judgment as it relates to your H.

These are separate issues. You cannot use #2 as a reason for #1 unless Sally said, "I did not bring a card/gift and I left after dinner because I don't like your husband and I feel that you have slighted our friendship." In fact she said, "it's my sister's birthday." Completely unrelated. It sounds to me like YOU don't trust HER reasons and you are connecting dots yourself and creating reasons in your head.

I think you are offended by her lack of card/gift and comment she made about your H. She would probably be offended by your comments on her living quarters. So you both have made choices that the other does not agree with. If they are friendship deal-breakers for either one of you, then end the friendship. I doubt they are for friends of 22 years, though, so I would sit down with her, air the laundry and figure out solutions - "let's get together in the park/bar/etc." if you don't want to be at her house and "let's do a girls night" if she doesn't want to be around your H all the time. I would personally not throw out a 22 year friendship over something like this, but that's just me.

Peledreamsofrain · July 2013

Are you asking for permission to move on due to a card? I give you permission to move on, sure, but I'm ignoring the card part because it's an asinine smokescreen.

jlm9113 · July 2013

Please be MUD.

aurianna · July 2013

It was definitely rude for her to show up 20 minutes late to the wedding (though, I don't know why you waited to to start it?).

It was NOT rude of her to leave after the meal for her sister's birthday. Family trumps friends in my book in many situations, so if it was important to her sister, then so be it.
Also, the ceremony was over, lunch was over and there wasn't dancing... I'm not sure what was left would hold my short attention span, so maybe not hers either... AND...

You mentioned that she ran late and that she left early and that she took up a spot, singular. So I am assuming that means you invited only her and not her boyfriend. That was rude on your part.
Honestly, if I was at a wedding where I was only close to the bride out of all the guests, I did not have my SO with me, and I had a family engagement to get to, I'd have NO qualms about leaving early.

Also, I'd just watch how you talk to anyone about this. Your saying "I wasted a spot in my wedding on her" in this context, makes it sound like you're saying, "That spot could have gone to someone who would have gotten me a gift." Totally might not be what you meant, but a warning that that is how I took it.

She came to your wedding (though late), to support you. So even if she doesn't like your husband she still wanted to be there for you. Take that or leave it. You had a lot of critical things to say about her.
So decide if you want to work things out or don't. But her not giving you a card has absolutely zero to do with anything. Gifts are always optional. You need to get over that.

vineheart137 · July 2013

aurianna said:

It was definitely rude for her to show up 20 minutes late to the wedding (though, I don't know why you waited to to start it?).

It was NOT rude of her to leave after the meal for her sister's birthday. Family trumps friends in my book in many situations, so if it was important to her sister, then so be it.
Also, the ceremony was over, lunch was over and there wasn't dancing... I'm not sure what was left would hold my short attention span, so maybe not hers either... AND...

You mentioned that she ran late and that she left early and that she took up a spot, singular. So I am assuming that means you invited only her and not her boyfriend. That was rude on your part.
Honestly, if I was at a wedding where I was only close to the bride out of all the guests, I did not have my SO with me, and I had a family engagement to get to, I'd have NO qualms about leaving early.

Also, I'd just watch how you talk to anyone about this. Your saying "I wasted a spot in my wedding on her" in this context, makes it sound like you're saying, "That spot could have gone to someone who would have gotten me a gift." Totally might not be what you meant, but a warning that that is how I took it.

She came to your wedding (though late), to support you. So even if she doesn't like your husband she still wanted to be there for you. Take that or leave it. You had a lot of critical things to say about her.
So decide if you want to work things out or don't. But her not giving you a card has absolutely zero to do with anything. Gifts are always optional. You need to get over that.

Quoted for truth.

daveANDkristen · July 2013

You are wrong to be bothered that Sally did not give you a gift or a card. If my assumption (and yours) is correct, and Sally was late & left early on your wedding day to punish you because she doesn't like your H, I would be bothered by that too. If Sally can be cordial to your H, and you care to continue the friendship, I would suggest you do so and do not force interaction between them. If she is nasty to your H (and to you for being married to him), I would probably end the friendship. But not because she didn't give you a gift or a card.

kkcaper14 · July 2013

I'm going to disagree with pp. I'm a semi long time lurker first time poster. I have never been to a wedding I didn't give a gift to. Or been invited to for that matter. Even if I'm "broke" I budget it in as soon as I get a save the date. Even a small gift is better than nothing. Apparently this is against tk etiquette but I believe everyone should at least give a card with well wishes at minimum. Get a card from the dollar store! Giving nothing IMHO is very rude and people remember. Is it against "etiquette"? I guess technically not but obviously there are other issues going on. I wouldn't call anyone out on it but I would remember.

Tmom1134 · July 2013

Are gifts important to your friend? Does she get insulted over things like that and does she think it's rude? If so then I can see why you feel she intended for it to be rude.

Scullychic · July 2013

ugh

Scullychic · July 2013

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Scullychic · July 2013

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Scullychic · July 2013

It definitely is a bigger issue than the lack of card or interest in my wedding. The chick is a bully who wants everyone to go out of their way for her but doesn't go out of her way for anyone else. Not to mention she constantly talked crap on all of her other friends to me so why wouldn't she talk about me to them. Oh and did I mention that she threatened my husband at our wedding? Yeah as she was giving him a hug she said "if you ever hurt her, I'll kill you" wtf? Seriously? He would never hurt me in any way and my wedding was hardly the place to make sure of that.

Scullychic · July 2013

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Scullychic · July 2013

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AddieCake · July 2013

You seem to have nothing nice to say about this woman. I don't understand how she was your "best friend" when you clearly think so lowly of her.

Scullychic · July 2013

.

manateehugger · July 2013

Well now that you threw a tantrum and yelled at people, I totally believe that this was all one-sided and your friend was the total bad guy here.

cruffino · July 2013

sounds like this friendship has run its course. time to let go.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

I HATE ALL OF THESE DELETED POSTS.

NerdyLucy · July 2013

Courtpenguin21 said:

I didn't realize you can delete all your posts AND change the name of the discussion. Is there a reason for this behavior?

I know. I'm not even sure what thread this was originally supposed to be.

NerdyLucy · July 2013

Ooooooh, okay. Gotcha.

Man, this went south very quickly.

drummerbonbon · July 2013

NYCBruin · July 2013

OP if we all agree that your friend is a terrible person and should have gotten you a super fancy card because you are such a special snowflake will you come back and play?

Addie-can we play Edward 40-hands on this thread too?

TKzilla · July 2013

Dammit people, you HAVE TO QUOTE THE CRAZY! Help a sister out!

Apparently I'm strange for behaving a certain way

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