1st post re: cousins and their SO's

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Hello everyone, 1st post here. I did a search through the forums and nothing came up so forgive me if this is a stale topic.

FI and I have a couple of adult children still living at home with their parents (18-25). A few have SOs that we've heard of. There is on family in particular that includes mom and dad, two adult children and two younger children (6 family members). The adult children may have SOs. Since one invitation will go out to the home, do I have to include a +1 for their BF or GF? I am assuming no since they will be there with their entire family

TIA!

AddieCake · July 2013

If someone is in a relationship, you need to invite that person's boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/spouse. You should not be sending just one invitation to a home that includes adult children, either. Everyone 18 and over should receive his or her own invitation.

manateehugger · July 2013

jaragon007 said:

Hello everyone, 1st post here. I did a search through the forums and nothing came up so forgive me if this is a stale topic.

FI and I have a couple of adult children still living at home with their parents (18-25). A few have SOs that we've heard of. There is on family in particular that includes mom and dad, two adult children and two younger children (6 family members). The adult children may have SOs. Since one invitation will go out to the home, do I have to include a +1 for their BF or GF? I am assuming no since they will be there with their entire family

TIA!

You're assuming wrong.

1. Any SO (read: anyone in an established relationship without regard to length of relationship or status) must be invited. It doesn't matter that the rest of their family will be there. Call/email to ask the name of the SO's and list them by name on the envelope.

2. Anyone 18 or older gets their own invitation even if they still live at home. Children under 18 can be listed on the envelope under their parents' names.

AroundTheBlock · July 2013

If you truly want to do what is proper, then you need to change your plan a little bit. A proper hostess will send each adult, even one who lives with his parents, his own invitation addressed to him by name. Minor children can be included on their parents' invitation, although they might be thrilled to receive their own invitation which may have all the minor children listed together. Even the people you are thinking of as a "plus one" should get their own invitation, addressed to them by name and sent to their own address. If you don't know their name and address, you should talk to your cousins and ask them whether there is someone that they would like you to invite, and get the name and address of their requested guest at that time.

rkbo · July 2013

Etiquette says all adults should get their own invitations...yes, that means sending 3 invitations to the same household. Which means giving them a SO. Personally, I did send each adult an invite, but did not extend the SO to the one person I have that situation with. More because I want him to decline the rsvp anyways. He's kind of a dbag 20 yr old kid. I only invited him because he is my stepmom's kid.

libby2483 · July 2013

You assumed incorrectly. Anyone over 18 needs their own invitation, even if that means sending multiple invitations to one home. Anyone in a relationship needs to be invited with their SO.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Thanks everyone! I've really been going along with what I've been used to which means one invitation per household.

Have a great day

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

So for the family with 6 you'd address it this way (take this with a grain of salt depending on the formality of your invitations):

Invitation 1:

Mr and Mrs Smith

Child A and Child B

Address

Invitation 2:

Ms Adult Child Smith

SO Name

Address

Invitation 3:

Mr. Adult Child Smith

SO Name

Address

Anyone over 18 gets their own invite so it sounds like this is going to make addressing these easier than you thought!

arrichter1 · July 2013

To piggyback onto this discussion...I have a huge extended family, and have several high school and college aged first cousins. Most of the ones in college are away from home, and will get their own invitation (most likely with a plus one, regardless of whether I'm aware of a SO or not). Per the discussion above, the ones in college and living at home will also get their own invite. My question is, what about my cousins in high school (15/16/17 years old) who have a SO? They will be attending with their families, and, being under 18, will be included on their parents' invitation. Am I obligated to invite their SO?

libby2483 · July 2013

arrichter1 said:

To piggyback onto this discussion...I have a huge extended family, and have several high school and college aged first cousins. Most of the ones in college are away from home, and will get their own invitation (most likely with a plus one, regardless of whether I'm aware of a SO or not). Per the discussion above, the ones in college and living at home will also get their own invite. My question is, what about my cousins in high school (15/16/17 years old) who have a SO? They will be attending with their families, and, being under 18, will be included on their parents' invitation. Am I obligated to invite their SO?

Nope, anyone under 18 does not need to be invited with a SO. If you have the space and desire, you certainly can extend an invitation to their SO, but it isn't required.

manateehugger · July 2013

arrichter1 said:

To piggyback onto this discussion...I have a huge extended family, and have several high school and college aged first cousins. Most of the ones in college are away from home, and will get their own invitation (most likely with a plus one, regardless of whether I'm aware of a SO or not). Per the discussion above, the ones in college and living at home will also get their own invite. My question is, what about my cousins in high school (15/16/17 years old) who have a SO? They will be attending with their families, and, being under 18, will be included on their parents' invitation. Am I obligated to invite their SO?

This is kind of a gray area for me (and a lot of other people on TK). I'm usually inclined to say no. I'd ask your aunt/uncle what they think.

AddieCake · July 2013

I'm in the yes camp even on teenaged SOs.

libby2483 · July 2013

AddieL73 said:

I'm in the yes camp even on teenaged SOs.

When you say that you are in the yes camp, do you mean that you personally invited teenaged SOs, or you think that etiquette-wise, people need to invite teenaged SOs? I'm just curious.

NYCBruin · July 2013

arrichter1 said:

To piggyback onto this discussion...I have a huge extended family, and have several high school and college aged first cousins. Most of the ones in college are away from home, and will get their own invitation (most likely with a plus one, regardless of whether I'm aware of a SO or not). Per the discussion above, the ones in college and living at home will also get their own invite. My question is, what about my cousins in high school (15/16/17 years old) who have a SO? They will be attending with their families, and, being under 18, will be included on their parents' invitation. Am I obligated to invite their SO?

I'm torn on this one. I don't think it's an etiquette violation to not include a minor's SO, but I might include them anyways. I wouldn't invite any SOs of minors though without first checking with the teenager's parent.

@jaragon007 I totally understand where you are coming from. There are so many things I had no idea about or made incorrect assumptions about before lurking here. Stick around, these ladies are a wealth of information and have saved me from some major and minor faux pas.

AddieCake · July 2013

libby2483 said:

AddieL73 said:

I'm in the yes camp even on teenaged SOs.

When you say that you are in the yes camp, do you mean that you personally invited teenaged SOs, or you think that etiquette-wise, people need to invite teenaged SOs? I'm just curious.

Both. I know from an etiquette standpoint, it's not really necessary, but I do think it's nice and the right thing to do. I wouldn't hard core judge someone who didn't invite a teen SO (17 and under that is, since 18 and 19 I definitely think need SO's invited), but I do prefer it.

libby2483 · July 2013

AddieL73 said:

libby2483 said:

AddieL73 said:

I'm in the yes camp even on teenaged SOs.

When you say that you are in the yes camp, do you mean that you personally invited teenaged SOs, or you think that etiquette-wise, people need to invite teenaged SOs? I'm just curious.

Both. I know from an etiquette standpoint, it's not really necessary, but I do think it's nice and the right thing to do. I wouldn't hard core judge someone who didn't invite a teen SO (17 and under that is, since 18 and 19 I definitely think need SO's invited), but I do prefer it.

I agree that it is courteous. Everyone invited to our wedding happened to be 18 or older or under 12, with the exception of a couple of cousins that didn't have SOs, so I didn't really give this much thought as we planned our wedding.

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

I'm actually in the 'no' camp for SOs of guests under 18. I can see that's it's nice and how someone would argue the other way - but I would draw the SO line at 18. To me it's like, if you're an adult and I'm sending you your own invitation, bring your SO. If you're still a child (technically) and I'm including you on your mom and dad's invitation, I'm not also going to include your boyfriend/homecoming date. I don't know - where do you draw the line at that point? Does indigo child get to bring her boyfriend? (Obviously not, but you get my drift.)

margaretskye · July 2013

You should send one invitation to the mom, dad, and two children, and two additional invitations to the same address for each adult child living there (and include their SOs). I'm 20, and even though my legal address is still at my parents' house, I'd feel really weird if I were included on a wedding invitation to my parents.

SomethingBeautiful08 · July 2013

Here my take on the under 18 SOs. When someone is under 18, I think that the host and the person in question's parent/guardian get to decide if the person's "other" is significant, when the person is over 18 then they do.

daria24 · July 2013

I'm on Team No for teenage SOs. Not that it's wrong to include them if you want to/have space. But I wouldn't be willing to open the door that obviously leads to 8 year old indigo children boyfriends.

AJuliaNJ · July 2013

AroundTheBlock said:

If you truly want to do what is proper, then you need to change your plan a little bit. A proper hostess will send each adult, even one who lives with his parents, his own invitation addressed to him by name. Minor children can be included on their parents' invitation, although they might be thrilled to receive their own invitation which may have all the minor children listed together. Even the people you are thinking of as a "plus one" should get their own invitation, addressed to them by name and sent to their own address. If you don't know their name and address, you should talk to your cousins and ask them whether there is someone that they would like you to invite, and get the name and address of their requested guest at that time.

I've never heard of this. Am I understanding this correctly?

Are you saying if a cousin is bringing a date, you should send an invitation to the cousin and then a separate invitation to her date at his address?

AJuliaNJ · July 2013

AddieL73 said:

I'm in the yes camp even on teenaged SOs.

Me, too. I want everyone to enjoy themselves and I know I have more fun at a wedding if my SO can be there.

loca4pook · July 2013

1) Even if in one home, ALL people over the age of 18 must get their OWN invitation

2) Yes, if they are in adult relationships, they must get an invite for SO

loca4pook · July 2013

AroundTheBlock said:

If you truly want to do what is proper, then you need to change your plan a little bit. A proper hostess will send each adult, even one who lives with his parents, his own invitation addressed to him by name. Minor children can be included on their parents' invitation, although they might be thrilled to receive their own invitation which may have all the minor children listed together. Even the people you are thinking of as a "plus one" should get their own invitation, addressed to them by name and sent to their own address. If you don't know their name and address, you should talk to your cousins and ask them whether there is someone that they would like you to invite, and get the name and address of their requested guest at that time.

you do NOT send in invitatation to a PLUS ONE. Their name goes on the invitation of the person with whom they would be attending WITH

loca4pook · July 2013

AJuliaNJ said:

AroundTheBlock said:

If you truly want to do what is proper, then you need to change your plan a little bit. A proper hostess will send each adult, even one who lives with his parents, his own invitation addressed to him by name. Minor children can be included on their parents' invitation, although they might be thrilled to receive their own invitation which may have all the minor children listed together. Even the people you are thinking of as a "plus one" should get their own invitation, addressed to them by name and sent to their own address. If you don't know their name and address, you should talk to your cousins and ask them whether there is someone that they would like you to invite, and get the name and address of their requested guest at that time.
I've never heard of this. Am I understanding this correctly?

Are you saying if a cousin is bringing a date, you should send an invitation to the cousin and then a separate invitation to her date at his address?

I did a ttotal doubletake on that one myself. IF that is what she means, she is WRONG.

If Cousin Jane has a SO names John Doe. Her invitation should say Jane Smith and John Doe.

John Doe does NOT get his own invitation....

AroundTheBlock · July 2013

That is exactly what I am saying. "SOs" and "dates" are people, not accessories to be worn on someone else's arm. If they come to your wedding, they are your guests, and they should be treated as guests: you do not get to have first-class guests, and second-class guests-of-guests that you welcome only distally. Sophisticated social behaviour goes beyond just planning weddings, and includes actually getting to know the people who are important to the other people in your life. So yes, you learn their name and address, and you invite them just as you would any other first-class guest.

NYCBruin · July 2013

AroundTheBlock said:

That is exactly what I am saying. "SOs" and "dates" are people, not accessories to be worn on someone else's arm. If they come to your wedding, they are your guests, and they should be treated as guests: you do not get to have first-class guests, and second-class guests-of-guests that you welcome only distally. Sophisticated social behaviour goes beyond just planning weddings, and includes actually getting to know the people who are important to the other people in your life. So yes, you learn their name and address, and you invite them just as you would any other first-class guest.

I'm really confused. I've never heard this. Do you also send separate invitations to married couples since they are both invited?

CarolinaHeart · July 2013

AroundTheBlock said:

That is exactly what I am saying. "SOs" and "dates" are people, not accessories to be worn on someone else's arm. If they come to your wedding, they are your guests, and they should be treated as guests: you do not get to have first-class guests, and second-class guests-of-guests that you welcome only distally. Sophisticated social behaviour goes beyond just planning weddings, and includes actually getting to know the people who are important to the other people in your life. So yes, you learn their name and address, and you invite them just as you would any other first-class guest.

This seems really excessive. My main issue with this is that I may be really good friends with Jane and am inviting her to my wedding. She is dating John but I don't know him. The ONLY reason he is invited is because he is in a relationship with my friend.

Say Jane and John break up before my wedding? He already got his own invitation. Does that mean he is still coming to my wedding even though I've never met him?

Ajuliana · July 2013

You know someone is sophisticated when they spell behavior with a "u".

I don't care how you spell out your idea, it's just plain wrong.

AroundTheBlock · July 2013

NYCBruin said:

I'm really confused. I've never heard this. Do you also send separate invitations to married couples since they are both invited?

If they have separate addresses, you do.

CarolinaHeart · July 2013

@AroundTheBlock You spent (or are going to spend) waaaaaaay too much on invitations. lol

1st post re: cousins and their SO's

Re: 1st post re: cousins and their SO's

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