Wedding Etiquette Forum

NER/NWR Need to vent

I just got married about three weeks ago.  I thought this would be the happiest time of my life, but on Friday morning my Dad passed away in his sleep.  It was very sudden and very unexpected.  He wasn't sick at all.  On Thursday, he went to work and Mom said he seemed just like his usual self, no complaints.  The coroner said he had bad heart problems and had even had a heart attack sometime in the past, but none of us ever knew that, not even my Dad.

I just don't know what to do with myself.  I never expected a loss like this to happen so soon.  He was young.  61.  Three weeks ago he was walking me down the aisle and dancing with me at my wedding and now he's gone.  I have no desire to look at any of our wedding pictures now.  I just can't.  I can't even believe that just a week ago I was on here bitching about not being happy with my wedding pictures.  What a stupid, petty thing to complain about!  If I ever get to the point where I can look at them again, I'm going to treasure them all because they're the last pictures I'll ever have of my Dad.

I always knew my parents would most likely pass on before I did, but I always pictured that happening much later in life, like when I was in my 50s and had grown children.  I never thought I would experience a loss like this while I am still writing thank you notes and changing my last name.  I'm so grateful he at least could be there for the wedding.  He got to walk me down the aisle, give a toast, and dance the father-daughter dance with me.  I'll always cherish those memories, but I also feel tremendous guilt that my younger sister will never get to do any of that with Dad.  I got to and she never will.  It kills me that he will never get to be a grandpa.  My future children will never meet him.  And it kills me to think of my Mom as a widow.

I just don't know what to do with myself.  I can't even enjoy being a newlywed now because I feel so devastated.  I'm trying so hard to hold it together and be strong for my two younger siblings and my poor mom.  I guess that's why I came on here.  I had to let it out somewhere.  Thankfully, my husband has been so wonderful and supportive.  He's done so much to help me and my whole family.  He's wonderful, but I feel bad that he has the burden of helping me through a loss like this only 3 weeks into our marriage.

I guess I just needed to let out all my feelings.  If anyone has been through something like this, any advice or guidance will be much appreciated.  Thank you very much to anyone who actually took the time to read all this.
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Re: NER/NWR Need to vent

  • My deepest sympathy. Everyone grieves differently. If you don't want to look at the photos right now, don't, give yourself some slack. I'm very sorry for your loss.
  • I'm so so sorry! I can't imagine what you're going through. *hugs*
  • I'm so sorry for your loss. Let yourself feel how you feel right now, and like PP said, you don't need to look at  photos.

    Thoughts and prayers for you and your family. 

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  • P.S. - Don't feel bad that your husband has to help you through this right now.  He loves you and helping each other through things is part of marriage.  FI just lost his mom and I didn't for a minute feel bad that I "had to" support him through it.  I just hurt for him. 
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  • hordolhordol member
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    I am so, so, so sorry for your loss. I know this is incredibly devastating. I don't even know what I would do, but I admire you for holding it together. Thoughts and prayers for you and your family!
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  • I'm terribly sorry for your loss. When I lost my mom, it was completely out of the blue as well. I'm sending you warm thoughts and positive vibes. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I'm so sorry to hear about your dad sending thoughts & prayers to you and your family.

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  • You have my deepest sympathies! Losing family suddenly is very difficult. You are in my thoughts. 

    xo
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  • So sorry for your loss. PPs are right; take time to grieve, let your H take care of you, don't look at the photos until you are ready, and when the time is right you will know it.

    Again, my sympathies.
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  • Thank you so much everyone for the kind responses.  I know this is a petty thing to think about at a time like this, but I was about a third of the way done with my thank you notes when I got the news about my Dad.  I'd really like to just get them all done and out of the way so I have one less thing to think about, but I feel really weird about writing a normal thank you note, especially to my Dad's relatives.  Something just doesn't feel right about writing the typical, "Thanks for the gift, we love it, it was great to see you" note, given the circumstances.  What should I say in my thank you notes, especially the ones to Dad's relatives?  Or should I just wait and let some time pass?
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  • I'm so sorry this happened, what a tragedy. Lean on your support system, that's what they're there for. I promise you your new husband has no problem taking care of you in whatever way you need, that's his privilege as your partner. Not looking at your wedding photos is totally acceptable- it's such a fresh wound, no one should expect you to just suck it up. Like a PP said, time will turn those pictures into a treasure, not a painful reminder. Grieve with your family but then forgive yourself. This isn't your fault, you getting married did not bring this about, and you should not feel guilty.
  • I'm so so sorry for your loss Walgrrl

     

  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited July 2013
    As far as thank you's, after thanking them for the gift, I would thank them for being with you on that day where you will always remember how happy your family, including your dad, was to be all together. It's wonderful that you all have this very recent joyous time together to remember your dad. God bless you. If the recipient was not at your wedding, mention how you will have always with you this most recent happy memory of your dad.
  • I'm so sorry for your loss. Thoughts and prayers to your family.
    Though I am very glad that you got the chance to share such a wonderful event such as your wedding with your father and make such wonderful memories.
    It's very sweet that you worry about your sister's future wedding. But even if she will feel the great loss of not having her father with her on that day, she will obviously have a sister there who will support her and want to make it the best day possible for her. That is something not everyone has either.

    Thank you notes... ugh.
    I agree with PP to keep them limited to thank yous. One thing you could maybe say in them is something like how you were so grateful to have so much of your family with you on that day and you will always look back on it as a treasured memory.

    Good luck. Getting through this is never easy. I'm glad you have a supportive husband. :)
  • aurianna said:
    Thank you notes... ugh.
    I agree with PP to keep them limited to thank yous. One thing you could maybe say in them is something like how you were so grateful to have so much of your family with you on that day and you will always look back on it as a treasured memory.
    I like this suggestion.  It seems to be the best way to acknowledge that while this is a painful time for your family, you have wonderful memories of your father to cherish.

    I am so, so sorry for your loss.  It is perfectly normal for your emotions to be all over the place right now, and there is no "right" way to grieve the loss of a parent.
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  • I'm so sorry for your loss, but am so glad that you could come here and vent. Sometimes just talking about it here is therapy in itself.

    I do agree, that if you need to see a therapist, do so and do not feel ashamed in the least.
  • My deepest sympathies. Virtual hugs.
  • My so sorry for your loss, and my thoughts are with you in this difficult time.  I promise that there will be a time when you can look at your wedding photos and have fond memories of the special moments you shared throughout the day with your father. Until then, take the time you need to grieve in your own way.
  • I'm so sorry for your loss, walgrrl.



  • Oh my heart is broken for you.  I actually teared up a bit reading this.  There's obviously nothing I can say to make this any better but you sound like an incredible person to be so caring toward your family.  I'm sure they feel the same toward you.  What I do know is that no matter how you grieve and get through this, you will be able to do it together.  I truly hope one day you will be able to look at those pictures with a smile rather than tears.  Hang in there, your siblings are lucky to have you
  • My deepest sympathies on your loss.

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  • I am so sorry for your loss.  Any time someone close to you passes, it's very hard to take.  But when it's completely unexpected, there's a different (and difficult) healing process-at least in my experience.

    I've had a lot of close deaths in my family, both anticipated and not.  Each one has its own grieving process, and it's never the same twice.  You kind of learn as you go, in terms of what helps you get through.  The hardest part for me is accepting the fact that it's ok to be happy when there's things in your life worth celebrating.  You just got married, which is wonderful!  But it sounds like you're feeling some guilt over wanting to be happy.  That's 100% normal.  I know a lot of people (myself included) who, the first time that they laughed after a close death, they cried, because we felt as though we shouldn't be happy.  For me, this is always the most difficult part of the process.  The best advice I can give is to give it time.  If you want to smile or laugh, then do it.  Being happy over something good doesn't take away the sadness you're going to feel for your father.  But over time, you learn to distract yourself from the pain, accept happiness with open arms, and continue to live your life. 

    You're dealing with a lot right now, my heart goes out to you.  Don't be afraid to lean on your husband!  He's there for you!  And so are we :)  My thoughts are with you!

  • I'm so sorry for your loss.  NEVER feel guilty about taking time to grieve for a loved one, it is a neccessary part of the healing process.
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  • Sending you and your family healing thoughts. 
  • I'm so sorry for your loss.  Prayers and hugs!
  • I'm sincerly sorry for your loss.  I'm glad that your new husband has been so supportive.  My best friend just lost his mom (not as suddenly as your father, but she was even younger), so I know that emotions are overwhelming right now.  Best of luck to you and your family in the days ahead.
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  • I am so sorry for you loss :( Lots of hugs, thoughts, and prayers. Please be extra kind and patient with yourself as you grieve - this is news that no one should have to get, and I can't imagine how much you are hurting right now. <3
  • I'm so sorry! I totally teared up reading your post. Come vent to us anytime.



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  • Thank you so much for the kind words everyone. It helps a lot. His memorial service is this afternoon. I'm not looking forward to it, but I know I have to be there for my family. Thanks to everyone.
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  • @walgrrl- I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope your dad's memorial service went okay, I'm sure it was very painful for you and your family. I have some idea of what you are going through. I lost my mom very suddenly about 11 months ago, right after I got engaged, and she was also much too young (52). Almost a year later I am finally doing okay, but for many months there would be times where it was still so hard to believe she was gone. I recommend considering grief counseling- I wish that I hadn't been too stubborn to consider it sooner (although it's never too late) because I really do think it could have helped me. If you ever need to vent to a stranger, I don't mind listening. Best of luck to you, I will keep you in my thoughts.
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