Thanks for all the suggestions

T1990 · July 2013

Thank you for all the suggestions. We worked it out. We are just going to do a regular bridal shower.

misshart00 · July 2013

I think you need to decline the shower. It's clear you have different wants about it, so I would just say thanks, but no thanks.

And it's kind of rude to have a "honeymoon shower." Showers are to shower the bride with physical presents, not money. So just decline it completely.

manateehugger · July 2013

T1990 said:

So I am having a difficult time getting over how one of my fiance's aunts is handling one of my bridal showers. My fiance and I only see her maybe twice a year, that side of the family lives an hour and a half away from us. The aunt called my fiance up the other day to speak to me about throwing me a shower. She told me that she originally she wanted to rent a place in between where we live and where she lives but that no one has volunteered to help her so she is going to throw it at her house because it is to expensive for her to rent a place. She told me she wanted to throw me a "Kitchen shower" I explained to her that my Fiance and I have lived together for almost 2 years and that we already have all the kitchen stuff. She got really upset because she had already had it all planned out. I told her we would love to have a honeymoon shower to help pay for our honeymoon, She quickly shut that down because she wants me to open presents not money. I again told her I would be just as happy opening an envelope as a present. She wouldn't hear me out. Then she TELLS me not asks me that it will be on a Saturday at lunch so she can call it a "Brunch" (Which would be ok if I didn't work on Saturday and those are my busiest days). I asked her if we could do it later on a Saturday so I don't have to miss a whole day of work because I am already taking off a full week in our busiest time of the year for our honeymoon. She told me no that she is giving me plenty of time to move my clients to another day. I really need the money and since she is not willing to tell people we would like money for our "presents" this really is getting under my skin and the fact that she isn't working with MY schedule. I don't expect everyone to give us money I know some people don't like to do that but she could at least tell people that's what we would like. Instead of telling me where to go register at. Has anyone else had any issues like this?

AHHH! Ok here we go.

1. Please use paragraphs. Walls of text are hard to read.

2. A shower is a gift from the host/hostess - meaning they get to plan the shower pretty much how/when/where they'd like. Yes, it would of course be nice and appropriate for her to work around your schedule. You are always welcome to decline that shower offer if it isn't going to be something you'd enjoy or can even attend.

3. If you don't want/need physical household gifts, you should decline any shower offers. I 100% agree with the aunt. I think it would be incredibly rude to sit there and make guests watch you roll in their checks; that's just bizarre anyway. Showers are for physical gifts (In case you're wondering - honeymoon registries are a rude faux pas as well).

Long story short - just decline the shower and don't expect people to give you cash.

lizandmark2014 · July 2013

I would decline the shower.

RebeccaB88 · July 2013

I would decline the shower too. The aunt is right, it's very rude to ask people for money, in any form. That's why she is so adamant about not throwing a honeymoon shower. If you can't decline it, then you pretty much have to let her plan and throw the shower her way. If she does this and you truly can't attend because of work, then you need to be upfront about that now, that you really can't accept the offer, because she will be having a party that the guest of honor will not be attending. A shower is a very sweet gesture and she might be offended by declining it, though. You and your FI have to decide how you want to handle that. If you do accept, try to make a small registry of upgrades, items that you'd like but would never buy for yourself, and some items that you'd like extra of (who doesn't need extra towels?)

kmmssg · July 2013

I would not throw you a honeymoon shower either. It is INCREDIBLY rude to ask for cash! She is absolutely correct to refuse to do that. The logistics of what she wants to do don't work for you so just decline the shower.

harper0813 · July 2013

Decline the shower. She's not willing to schedule it at a time that you can easily attend. However, asking for cash at a shower (or a wedding, for that matter) is rude and she was fine to correct you. But I don't forgive her too much because her kitchen-gift idea was also rude. It's not polite to dictate what people give you as a gift.

T1990 · July 2013

I am sorry for the misunderstanding...I did register at a few places because I know some people want to buy a physical present. As far as the "Honeymoon shower" I registered for items for the honeymoon also. I am not JUST asking for money. If someone asks me what we would like I tell them "we are registered at _____ or a monitary gift would be great too"

aurianna · July 2013

T1990 said:

I am sorry for the misunderstanding...I did register at a few places because I know some people want to buy a physical present. As far as the "Honeymoon shower" I registered for items for the honeymoon also. I am not JUST asking for money. If someone asks me what we would like I tell them "we are registered at _____ or a monitary gift would be great too"

I'd rephrase that to "We're registered at XYZ. We're also saving for our honeymoon."
You're essentially saying the exact same thing: We want money. But the change in phrasing makes it a little less tacky and off-putting to guests.

Honeymoon items shower? I don't even understand what this would mean. Like sunblock and flip flops?? Or do you mean you registered through a honeymoon registry so people will think they are buying you a couples massage or candlelit dinner on the beach, etc, but all they'll really be doing is funneling money into a check you'll be cut later, minus the honeymoon registry company's share.
If it's the latter, if no one has already donated to it, cancel it. It's essentially soliciting your guests for money and lying to them since they aren't really buying you those things; you get to do whatever you want with that money. It's also a raw deal for you, because if you did things properly, didn't register, didn't have showers and said to someone if they asked you "we're saving for our honeymoon" there's a good chance they'd give you cash instead and you wouldn't have to share any of it with the registry company.

Jen4948 · July 2013

Tell her, "Thanks, I appreciate your generosity, but it's not possible for me to accept your offer of a shower on Saturday for brunch."

Don't mention anything about how you want a "honeymoon" themed shower because 1) it won't go over well and 2) the hostess gets to pick the theme of whatever party she's throwing, if any.

Viczaesar · July 2013

Showers are for physical presents, not cash or gift cards. She was absolutely right to refuse to throw you a honeymoon shower. You're perfectly within your right to gracefully decline the shower if you don't want physical gifts and/or the time of the shower doesn't work for you.

NYCBruin · July 2013

You don't want physical gifts (which is what showers are for) and the schedule of the hostess doesn't work for you. Decline the shower. Problem solved.

Viczaesar · July 2013

Why would you change the title of the thread and delete your original post @T1990? That's both rude and a waste of time since you were quoted.

ShesSoCold · July 2013

T1990 said:

Thank you for all the suggestions. We worked it out. We are just going to do a regular bridal shower.

Of course you are. Because declining the shower would mean that no one buys you things! Wouldn't that be terrible! Instead you will complain about someone going out of their way to do something nice for you and not allowing you to be totally rude about it. Classy.

aurianna · July 2013

StageManager14 said:

aurianna said:

T1990 said:

I am sorry for the misunderstanding...I did register at a few places because I know some people want to buy a physical present. As far as the "Honeymoon shower" I registered for items for the honeymoon also. I am not JUST asking for money. If someone asks me what we would like I tell them "we are registered at _____ or a monitary gift would be great too"

I'd rephrase that to "We're registered at XYZ. We're also saving for our honeymoon."
You're essentially saying the exact same thing: We want money. But the change in phrasing makes it a little less tacky and off-putting to guests.

Honeymoon items shower? I don't even understand what this would mean. Like sunblock and flip flops?? Or do you mean you registered through a honeymoon registry so people will think they are buying you a couples massage or candlelit dinner on the beach, etc, but all they'll really be doing is funneling money into a check you'll be cut later, minus the honeymoon registry company's share.
If it's the latter, if no one has already donated to it, cancel it. It's essentially soliciting your guests for money and lying to them since they aren't really buying you those things; you get to do whatever you want with that money. It's also a raw deal for you, because if you did things properly, didn't register, didn't have showers and said to someone if they asked you "we're saving for our honeymoon" there's a good chance they'd give you cash instead and you wouldn't have to share any of it with the registry company.

No, it really really doesn't. Asking for cash in ANY form is tacky and rude.

I meant if asked by someone else. Don't we always tell brides to say they are saving for xyz if what they really want is money and someone asks? And apologies ahead of time if formatting is weird. The knot no longer works on my daytime computer. So phone fail it is.

Thanks for all the suggestions

Re: Thanks for all the suggestions

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