How to tell someone they're not invited??

arrippa · July 2013

Your guests are spending extra money to fly out and stay in Vegas for your wedding. The very least you can do is host something to say "thank you" to them. It doesn't have to be expensive or elaborate. There are plenty of cheap eats in Vegas.

Edit-There is a link the word "eats" to give you some ideas on places.

jlm9113 · July 2013

At this point, I can't even tell if the OP really doesn't get it or is being deliberately obtuse.

I'm not sure which would be worse.

lizandmark2014 · July 2013

In my opinion I would go to Vegas by yourselves and not tell anyone until you get back. If someone wants to throw you a party after you both are home that is fine. Go by yourselves.

monkeysip · July 2013

lizandmark2014 said:

In my opinion I would go to Vegas by yourselves and not tell anyone until you get back. If someone wants to throw you a party after you both are home that is fine. Go by yourselves.

The problem with this is that her dad is paying for it. So, the cat's already out of the bag. And if he's paying, I think it's the least they can do to let him come and buy him and anyone else a slice of cake for crying out loud.

gpeeples · July 2013

I think you guys are being a little harsh on her. She was originally asking about how to let her birth mother's family know they couldn't come, and ended up mentioning something else which ended up spiraling out of control. If it was me, I would host some sort of lunch or something afterwards. But if it's only immediate family, and her family knows her situation, I think they're probably okay with it. As an etiquette rule, you should host properly, however, I don't think etiquette always applies to immediate family. There are a lot of things that are acceptable for your parents or siblings that wouldn't be appropriate for extended family or friends. You don't "side-eye" your immediate family-- you tell them if you think they're out of line. If no one says anything, I think it's safe that they aren't offended.

But I know, this is the etiquette board, so of course the advice given is going to be by-the-book. But I'm just saying, I don't think she necessarily was even concerned about that, and just wanted advice on the other part.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

gpeeples said:

I think you guys are being a little harsh on her. She was originally asking about how to let her birth mother's family know they couldn't come, and ended up mentioning something else which ended up spiraling out of control. If it was me, I would host some sort of lunch or something afterwards. But if it's only immediate family, and her family knows her situation, I think they're probably okay with it. As an etiquette rule, you should host properly, however, I don't think etiquette always applies to immediate family. There are a lot of things that are acceptable for your parents or siblings that wouldn't be appropriate for extended family or friends. You don't "side-eye" your immediate family-- you tell them if you think they're out of line. If no one says anything, I think it's safe that they aren't offended.

But I know, this is the etiquette board, so of course the advice given is going to be by-the-book. But I'm just saying, I don't think she necessarily was even concerned about that, and just wanted advice on the other part.

Really? Because to me, that screams "They're the ones you love the most, so it's ok to treat them like crap!"

[Deleted User] · July 2013

oops this response was meant to go in another thread. what an asshole i am.

jlm9113 · July 2013

LMc0322 said:

Really? Because to me, that screams "They're the ones you love the most, so it's ok to treat them like crap!"

Well, obviously. I mean, immediate family will understand. That's what they DO.

LavenderHoneyBee · July 2013

I've been following this thread and haven't commented because I honestly didn't know how I felt about the situation. I think, I've finally come to a few opinions:

1. OP, please tell Birth Mother that this is going to be very private and small and unfortunately her extended family is not invited.

2. As far as hosting an event after goes, I'm torn. On one hand, the people coming to Vegas aren't technically "guests". OP never invited them, or expected anyone to come, they volunteered to join the trip. However, hosting cake and champagne in a hotel room would honestly only cost $100. And I think the OP should at least do something along those lines as a "thank you for coming, we truly appreciate it" gesture.

NantucketBride12 · July 2013

OP may be one of the rudest individuals I've ever come across.

Seriously.

Would it kill you to be grateful and gracious?

gpeeples · July 2013

I guess the reason I said what I did was that my brother was originally planning on having a small ceremony with no reception of any sort to follow. They ended up having a small dinner, but if they didn't, I wouldn't have been offended at all. I don't think it's necessarily "treating your family like crap." He's my brother, I would have wanted to be there for his wedding even if there wasn't free food.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

gpeeples said:

I guess the reason I said what I did was that my brother was originally planning on having a small ceremony with no reception of any sort to follow. They ended up having a small dinner, but if they didn't, I wouldn't have been offended at all. I don't think it's necessarily "treating your family like crap." He's my brother, I would have wanted to be there for his wedding even if there wasn't free food.

I'd be there for my brother as well if there was no food. However, it's very rude of him not to host people who went out of their way to come to his wedding. That's all

We went to a wedding that did NOT have sufficient food to constitute a meal at a meal time. I didn't sit there wishing we hadn't gone to support them. But we DID think it was rude.

lauralee1723 · July 2013

I would like to be a more active member on the Knot boards, but ever since this post, I have been a lurker. For one thing, so I can get a better idea of how you all interact here, and for another, because I'm afraid that if anyone remembers me from this post, they won't take anything else I have to say seriously. So, I would like to apologize for the way that I acted in this post. I admit that it was quite rude of me to say that I wouldn't want to feed my wedding guests, and to act as if I am a "Daddy's Little Princess," which I am definitely not. But at the time that I was responding, I was overreacting and being way too defensive. I have put a lot of thought into our wedding since this post, and have realized that no, it wouldn't kill us to host something special to thank our guests, especially my parents, for joining us and for paying for our trip. So for that I would like to say thank you for all of your advice, and again, I am sorry for the way I acted before.

LavenderHoneyBee · July 2013

lauralee1723 That's great news! Have you decided what you'll want to do? I'm sure a lot of posters here could help you plan something affordable but still nice. Good luck!

lauralee1723 · July 2013

LavenderHoneyBee said:

lauralee1723 That's great news! Have you decided what you'll want to do? I'm sure a lot of posters here could help you plan something affordable but still nice. Good luck!

I know we have a lot of options, so I was thinking of looking over at the Vegas board to get some ideas. I was either thinking maybe going for burgers after, or getting a little cake and doing cake and champagne in our hotel room. Still have plenty of time to plan

[Deleted User] · July 2013

lauralee1723 said:

LavenderHoneyBee said:

lauralee1723 That's great news! Have you decided what you'll want to do? I'm sure a lot of posters here could help you plan something affordable but still nice. Good luck!
I know we have a lot of options, so I was thinking of looking over at the Vegas board to get some ideas. I was either thinking maybe going for burgers after, or getting a little cake and doing cake and champagne in our hotel room. Still have plenty of time to plan

That sounds like an awesome plan! Being in Vegas, people will want to do a lot of things while they're there-- but I know they'll want to celebrate with you first! The Vegas board ladies will have tons of affordable ideas for you.

NYCBruin · July 2013

@lauralee1723 I'm really glad you've decided to properly host your guests! Thanks for your apology.

The ladies on here are a great resource for bouncing ideas off of, so stick around!

BMoreBride6 · July 2013

lauralee1723 said:

I would like to be a more active member on the Knot boards, but ever since this post, I have been a lurker. For one thing, so I can get a better idea of how you all interact here, and for another, because I'm afraid that if anyone remembers me from this post, they won't take anything else I have to say seriously. So, I would like to apologize for the way that I acted in this post. I admit that it was quite rude of me to say that I wouldn't want to feed my wedding guests, and to act as if I am a "Daddy's Little Princess," which I am definitely not. But at the time that I was responding, I was overreacting and being way too defensive. I have put a lot of thought into our wedding since this post, and have realized that no, it wouldn't kill us to host something special to thank our guests, especially my parents, for joining us and for paying for our trip. So for that I would like to say thank you for all of your advice, and again, I am sorry for the way I acted before.

Good for you! And I think everyone is more than happy to welcome you back. When I very first got engaged and stumbled upon TK I was "appalled" by the things people were saying. In my lurking, I was very defensive and pulled the "they can't judge other's situations!" until I actually stopped with the emotions and read the very well thought out, well explained reasoning behind what they were saying and realized, "holy crap, I could have been exceptionally rude to my nearest and dearest without every realizing it!". This forum has been a huge and wonderful wake up call and so happy I found it! Whatever you plan for your guests, I think they will really appreciate it.

AddieCake · July 2013

It's very big of you to come back and apologize. I appreciate it.

lauralee1723 · July 2013

@AddieL73 Thank you, I appreciate you saying that.

Viczaesar · July 2013

lauralee1723 said:

I would like to be a more active member on the Knot boards, but ever since this post, I have been a lurker. For one thing, so I can get a better idea of how you all interact here, and for another, because I'm afraid that if anyone remembers me from this post, they won't take anything else I have to say seriously. So, I would like to apologize for the way that I acted in this post. I admit that it was quite rude of me to say that I wouldn't want to feed my wedding guests, and to act as if I am a "Daddy's Little Princess," which I am definitely not. But at the time that I was responding, I was overreacting and being way too defensive. I have put a lot of thought into our wedding since this post, and have realized that no, it wouldn't kill us to host something special to thank our guests, especially my parents, for joining us and for paying for our trip. So for that I would like to say thank you for all of your advice, and again, I am sorry for the way I acted before.

In all sincerity and with absolutely no snark at all, thumbs up.

PrimRoseMama · July 2013

lauralee1723 said:

Wow. Now I remember why I don't get on message boards.

You can't tell someone they are uninvited. Its rude. There is no way to do it without being offensive. I'm sorry, but that is the answer.

Also, if you have anyone witnessing your nuptiuals then you MUST provide refreshment of some sort. It can be a sandwhich tray and sparkling grape juice, but it is extraordinarily rude to not provide some sort of refreshment. Even for 5 guests. Go to a burger joint, do cake n' punch, but SOMETHING is supposed to be served. That is just proper etiquette.

Though I am not sure you are actually after etiquette advice. I think you want people to tell you what you want to hear and OK your tacky plans without disagreeing with you. Sadly, this is real life and the etiquette board. So, yeah, its not going to happen.

Feed your guest, end of story.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

PrimRoseMama said:

lauralee1723 said:

Wow. Now I remember why I don't get on message boards.
You can't tell someone they are uninvited. Its rude. There is no way to do it without being offensive. I'm sorry, but that is the answer.

Also, if you have anyone witnessing your nuptiuals then you MUST provide refreshment of some sort. It can be a sandwhich tray and sparkling grape juice, but it is extraordinarily rude to not provide some sort of refreshment. Even for 5 guests. Go to a burger joint, do cake n' punch, but SOMETHING is supposed to be served. That is just proper etiquette.

Though I am not sure you are actually after etiquette advice. I think you want people to tell you what you want to hear and OK your tacky plans without disagreeing with you. Sadly, this is real life and the etiquette board. So, yeah, its not going to happen.

Feed your guest, end of story.

Pssst.. scroll up. OP already apologized and is changing her plans.

PrimRoseMama · July 2013

LMc0322 said:

PrimRoseMama said:

lauralee1723 said:

Wow. Now I remember why I don't get on message boards.
You can't tell someone they are uninvited. Its rude. There is no way to do it without being offensive. I'm sorry, but that is the answer.

Also, if you have anyone witnessing your nuptiuals then you MUST provide refreshment of some sort. It can be a sandwhich tray and sparkling grape juice, but it is extraordinarily rude to not provide some sort of refreshment. Even for 5 guests. Go to a burger joint, do cake n' punch, but SOMETHING is supposed to be served. That is just proper etiquette.

Though I am not sure you are actually after etiquette advice. I think you want people to tell you what you want to hear and OK your tacky plans without disagreeing with you. Sadly, this is real life and the etiquette board. So, yeah, its not going to happen.

Feed your guest, end of story.
Pssst.. scroll up. OP already apologized and is changing her plans.

Well that is good!

How to tell someone they're not invited??

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