Throwing your own engagement party, okay or not?

thkewedding · July 2013

We're recently engaged and thinking about having an engagement party. I've read that it's okay to throw your own engagement party since it isn't a gift receiving event, and it's just more of a "Hey, we're engaged! Let's celebrate!" type of thing. Would it be weird to throw our own? I've ready plenty about people throwing their own.
The wedding won't be until 2015, but from everything I've heard, the engagement part should be held within two months of getting engaged. Should we wait longer to have ours since our wedding is so far away?

As for guest list, we were thinking of just inviting immediately family and the people we're going to ask to be in the wedding party (so maybe a total of 25-30 people). Is that considered rude not to invite all the guest, or is it okay to have it be smaller?

KeptInStitches · July 2013

Not okay. Still technically a gift-receiving event and is in your honor. Bad form to throw a party in your honor.

If someone offers to throw you an engagement party, make sure that only people who will be invited to the wedding are invited to the party. You don't have to invite everyone invited to the wedding, of course.

AddieCake · July 2013

Ditto PP. Not okay. Congrats and happy planning, though!

manateehugger · July 2013

Yep - sorry, an engagement party is considered a gift. Poor etiquette to throw your own.

Feel free to have a non-engagement party get-together though! People will likely be all excited for you anyway!

tiny speck · July 2013

Not ok to throw your own party. Have a summer backyard bbq or something and don't make it about your engagement-- that would be fine, and people will probably still congratulate you.

RamonaFlowers · July 2013

Not okay.

NYCMercedes · July 2013

You don't need a reason to throw a great party on your own. Just don't call it an engagement party.

jgripp1234 · July 2013

Really? Can't believe so many people against this... I was going to, maybe should rethink..yikes. I was just going to have a BBQ/pool party and call it an engagement party, bring some wine and a food dish. I think it depends on the people you are inviting, but glad to see this post. Thanks.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Yeah, just throw an awesome party. Don't give it the title of engagement party. It'll be a great time!

s-aries8990 · July 2013

Have a BBQ/Pool party but don't call it an engagement party.

thkewedding · July 2013

jgripp1234 said:

Really? Can't believe so many people against this... I was going to, maybe should rethink..yikes. I was just going to have a BBQ/pool party and call it an engagement party, bring some wine and a food dish. I think it depends on the people you are inviting, but glad to see this post. Thanks.

Haha, right?! We mentioned it to our families and they didn't think it was weird. But I suppose just throwing it a party to celebrate instead of having an official engagement party will be the way to go!

BMoreBride6 · July 2013

jgripp1234 said:

Really? Can't believe so many people against this... I was going to, maybe should rethink..yikes. I was just going to have a BBQ/pool party and call it an engagement party, bring some wine and a food dish. I think it depends on the people you are inviting, but glad to see this post. Thanks.

This especially. You REALLY don't want to throw a party in your own honor, and then dictate that people provide the food and drinks. If its just a casual BBQ, I think this is fine, just don't make it sound like something in your honor

Edited to fix spelling.

banana468 · July 2013

Ditto @BMoreBride6. You should never throw any party in your own honor regardless of whether or not gifts could be involved.

Secondly, throwing your own engagement party and making it a pot luck isn't OK. Then you're actually asking your guests to do the hosting and all you'd be doing is providing the venue. Don't get me wrong - a pot luck can be a fine informal gathering but you doubly can't do it that way.

CaseyN125 · July 2013

My fiance and I threw our own engagement party up at college with our friends who we wouldn't be able to celebrate with once we graduated. We provided the food, music, etc, and asked that no one bring gifts. It was an awesome time and we were really glad we did it. I say if you want to have a party, go for it. Everyone's situation is different and the "rules" are not universal. Congrats on your engagement and have fun planning!! (I'm also getting married in 2015, btw!)

banana468 · July 2013

Actually, the rules ARE universal. Just because you broke the rules does not mean that they didn't apply to you.

fuzzyslipper32 · July 2013

I unintentionally threw my own engagement party. I had a get together planned before I was engaged and it just so happen to be the day after I got engaged. I didn't actually call it my engagement party, but my friends were all like "awesome engagement party!"

I know there are "rules" but I honestly wouldn't think twice if someone invited me to their own engagement party. I think the idea that you can't throw it yourself is kind of weird. I would want to have an engagement party to celebrate the excitement of just getting engaged without the stress of "who is going to throw this for me" and "I can't invite this person because I don't know how big my wedding is going to be yet so I don't know if I will be inviting them to my wedding or not." I see the engagement party as a reason to get everyone together, announce, and celebrate your engagement immediately after it happened. It isn't an "engagement shower" it is a PARTY! I think if you can throw your own birthday party, then you should be allowed the throw your own engagement party. (and I never even knew that people were suppose to bring gifts. That seems weird to me too)

I agree about not making it a pot luck or asking your guest to bring anything, but I don't see a problem in throwing an "I'm engaged and want to celebrate with my family and friends" party. I know people disagree and want to follow the rules, but it is your life, your friends, and your marriage. Do what you want.

banana468 · July 2013

You can't throw your own birthday party either. Well, you can but it's also completely inappropriate to do that too.

fuzzyslipper32 · July 2013

I guess that was my point. If my friends decided they didn't want to be my friend anymore, then I wouldn't want them as a friend. (and chances are, if they weren't invited to my wedding then we probably weren't close to begin with) If we were close, and it was a financial reason they weren't invited (like a destination wedding we couldn't afford to bring people to) then I would expect them to understand or I wouldn't need them as a friend. To lose a friend over an engagement party seems ridiculous me.

I understand a lot of people on here have different views than I do. That is perfectly fine. I'm just saying that none of my family and friends care about the engagement party formalities. I would never want someone invited to a bridal shower that wasn't invited to the wedding, but I guess we just view the engagement party as more of just a celebration party. If I invited everyone out to dinner to celebrate my birthday, no one would think twice about that either because we are just celebrating a happy time in someone's life.

ETA: I just wanted to add that everyone that was at my engagement party were people that definitely are invited to my wedding. Even if I had to chance to make my own guest list for my engagement party, I, personally, would only invite my closest friends and family since I would definitely be inviting them to the wedding.

My point is that I would try to only invite the people that matter the most to celebrate with me because they will most likely be invited to the wedding, but I wouldn't stress about it.

fuzzyslipper32 · July 2013

I understand what you are saying, but I guess my point is at the point of engagement, a lot of people don't know what they are going to do for their wedding yet. I totally agree if it is a bridal shower or something where some planning has been done, but at this point most people have no idea what they want yet.

Since I have been engaged, I have thought about eloping, or having a destination wedding. I thought about also just going to the courthouse with our parents and just doing it that way.

I did finally decide to have a wedding, but I'm just saying that at the point of the engagement party, I didn't know if I would have one or not. I don't think that you should feel like you shouldn't celebrate your engagement because you are unsure of how you will get married.

My friends that were at my engagement party know that as long as I have a real wedding, they will be invited since only my close friends were there. But if I didn't have an actually wedding and just eloped, they would never think "that sneaky bitch made me come to her engagement party but didn't even have a wedding!" They know me well enough to know that I wasn't trying to "rub their nose in it" since I hadn't even decided anything yet.

Again, it could be different because we didn't do gifts or anything. I never even knew gifts were common for engagement parties.

banana468 · July 2013

Ditto Stage. The friendship works both ways. You don't get to treat me as a second rate friend and expect that I'm happy just to give you presents.

NYCBruin · July 2013

fuzzyslipper32 said:

I understand what you are saying, but I guess my point is at the point of engagement, a lot of people don't know what they are going to do for their wedding yet. I totally agree if it is a bridal shower or something where some planning has been done, but at this point most people have no idea what they want yet.

Since I have been engaged, I have thought about eloping, or having a destination wedding. I thought about also just going to the courthouse with our parents and just doing it that way.

I did finally decide to have a wedding, but I'm just saying that at the point of the engagement party, I didn't know if I would have one or not. I don't think that you should feel like you shouldn't celebrate your engagement because you are unsure of how you will get married.

My friends that were at my engagement party know that as long as I have a real wedding, they will be invited since only my close friends were there. But if I didn't have an actually wedding and just eloped, they would never think "that sneaky bitch made me come to her engagement party but didn't even have a wedding!" They know me well enough to know that I wasn't trying to "rub their nose in it" since I hadn't even decided anything yet.

Again, it could be different because we didn't do gifts or anything. I never even knew gifts were common for engagement parties.

I'm not trying to be the etiquette police here or anything, just pointing out how I would feel if I were a guest at your engagement party.

I agree with Stage about it feeling like a HUGE snub if I was invited to an engagement party and not the wedding. I don't necessarily get some big expensive gift for an engagement party, but I usually buy the couple a bottle of champagne or something.

I get that you hadn't planned your wedding yet when you had your engagement party, but that almost makes the problem worse. It comes across like you just wanted to throw a party to honor yourself so badly that you didn't think through how it might make your guests feel. It feels very "it's all about me and if you don't like it, well than you aren't good enough to be my friend anyways."

Maybe none of your guests felt that way, but I doubt they would have said something to you if they did. I have internally eye-rolled at many, many wedding related things and never said a word to the offending couple.

margaretskye · July 2013

I'm not clear on the "throwing a party in your own honor" thing - isn't it pretty normal/acceptable to invite a bunch of friends out to dinner with you on your own birthday?

I also think it's strange that there are at least three articles on this site saying that it's perfectly fine to throw your own engagement party (as long as you pay for it, don't expect gifts, and invite all attendees to the actual wedding), but then apparently it's not?

banana468 · July 2013

margaretskye said:
I'm not clear on the "throwing a party in your own honor" thing - isn't it pretty normal/acceptable to invite a bunch of friends out to dinner with you on your own birthday?

I also think it's strange that there are at least three articles on this site saying that it's perfectly fine to throw your own engagement party (as long as you pay for it, don't expect gifts, and invite all attendees to the actual wedding), but then apparently it's not?

It's not OK to throw your own birthday party either.

Keep in mind that TK doesn't give the best etiquette advice. They exist to make money and promote ways to make more money for the wedding industry even if such a thing is an etiquette faux pass.

fuzzyslipper32 · July 2013

My engagement party wasn't specifically planned as an engagement party. I already had a party planned with all my friends, and it just so happened to be the day after I got engaged. I never once called it my engagement party while I was there, but my friends kept referring to it as an engagement party. Since they knew about the party weeks before I got engaged, I know none of them assumed I was trying to get gifts or just party in my honor.

banana468 · July 2013

@fuzzyslipper32, you planned a party that happened to be after you got engaged. Your friends may have called it an engagement party but it wasn't a true "engagement party" unless that's what your FI called it to your friends before he popped the question.

kerbohl · July 2013

I really think it sucks that these etiquette rules dictate that you can't invite people out to celebrate life events with you because it makes you look "rude". I know someone who invites people to a weekend camping trip to celebrate her birthday every year. Apparently she is rude because she is "hosting" a party for her own honour? I thought she was just organizing a yearly trip for her friends to hand out with her, but nope - rude! I think there must be a major difference between throwing a party and getting together to celebrate something with people. After I got engaged, I went out with people close to me for brunch - apparently that was extremely rude because, despite the fact that we barely talked about the fact that FI and I were newly engaged, we were being AW. I just honestly do not understand why it is rude to want to celebrate life events with people. This is one of those "agree to disagree" issues with me.

NYCBruin · July 2013

kerbohl said:

I really think it sucks that these etiquette rules dictate that you can't invite people out to celebrate life events with you because it makes you look "rude". I know someone who invites people to a weekend camping trip to celebrate her birthday every year. Apparently she is rude because she is "hosting" a party for her own honour? I thought she was just organizing a yearly trip for her friends to hand out with her, but nope - rude! I think there must be a major difference between throwing a party and getting together to celebrate something with people. After I got engaged, I went out with people close to me for brunch - apparently that was extremely rude because, despite the fact that we barely talked about the fact that FI and I were newly engaged, we were being AW. I just honestly do not understand why it is rude to want to celebrate life events with people. This is one of those "agree to disagree" issues with me.

I don't think there is anything wrong with organizing a casual get together, but if you send out invitations, call it an engagement party, or decorate with pictures of the two of your or signs that say "Congratulations on your engagement" then it becomes a formal party. And you shouldn't throw parties in your own honor.

There's a big difference between that and this type of phone conversation:

Friend: "Congratulations on your engagement! I can't wait to see the ring, we should get together soon."

You: "Thanks! We both are very excited. We are actually having brunch at XYZ restaurant on Sunday with some people, if you want to join let me know so I can change the reservation."

Friend: "Sounds great, see you Sunday!"

manateehugger · July 2013

It's a matter of expecting people to spend time and money on you and your engagement and wedding. By hosting your own engagement party, you are expecting to spend time and money on your engagement.

kerbohl · July 2013

But @StageManager14, that's my issue. There is such a thin line apparently between formally planned event and organizing a get together. I think I have a great difficulty seeing it, and that gets frustrating. For example, say I a get together because I want to celebrate something and I set the date a week in advance - no paper invites, definitely no gifts expected - but that's still technically a hosted party because it was planned in advance by me?

And I still do not see the difference between going out with friends for your birthday and throwing your own birthday party. Isn't it the exact same thing? You say "hey it's my birthday, and I'm going to this restaurant to celebrate" and people come - it's a birthday party then. But I fail to see how that's rude.

Excuse my frustrated tone (if that comes through text at all), but this whole thing just makes me feel stupid because I feel like I am missing something major, but I just don't see it. Maybe my idea of "party" is completely different than everyone else's.

kerbohl · July 2013

So you can still call something an engagement party if it is not a formal engagement party? And that then is okay for you to throw your own? The difference is all in the invites?

NYCBruin · July 2013

kerbohl said:

So you can still call something an engagement party if it is not a formal engagement party? And that then is okay for you to throw your own? The difference is all in the invites?

Why does it need to be called an engagement party at all? Why can't you just organize an informal get-together? The need for the name makes it sound AWish and gift-grabby. If you aren't having a formal party, don't give it a formal name.

Throwing your own engagement party, okay or not?

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