What if I can't stand my ring?!

LizzyCee · July 2013

Okay, so I got engaged quite a few months ago (7, actually, but the wedding isn't for a while), and I only just got up the courage to tell my fiance that I'm not thrilled with the ring. I've been told by some that I'm just being annoying and "it's the thought that counts", and by others that I'm just being practical and that the ring was somewhat unacceptable to begin with. He bought it online (I know that's usually a big no-no to begin with) and clearly very quickly, with little planning. It's a simple claddagh-style white gold ring with a solitaire lab-made sapphire. What I dislike most is that it's heart-shaped and lab-made - I have a passion for gemstones and really dislike the unnatural vibe I get from it. The ring is worth less than my high school class ring, and no wedding ring fits snugly beside it because of the shape. He very grudgingly told me that he'll work on getting a new one, but honestly I'm feeling rather uncertain. I know he's able to, I just don't think he wants to because he's still sure he "nailed it". I don't feel like wearing something I don't like for the rest of my life - but am I ruining my relationship by pushing this? What do I do?!

Teddy917 · July 2013

I definitely think you did good with telling him. You don't want to wear a ring you hate. But I would've suggested starting off with something positive. Like "I love that it's a sapphire. And I'm glad that you know me well enough to know that I adore sapphires. But I don't like the shape."

NOLAbridealmost · July 2013

I'm so sorry you don't love your ring. I think this is something that varies on a relationship by relationship basis. My H would have died if he thought I didn't love my ring. So much so that he immediately said, "if you don't love this we can exchange it" For us, if I hadn't loved it I would have subtly mentioned that I'd prefer something a little more ________(low key/edgy/my style/etc.) and been done. If he agreed to exchange, great. If not, drop the subject forever. You've already mentioned it to your FI once....I wouldn't personally bring it up ever again with my partner, and even you said you're afraid of ruining your relationship by pushing the subject so I wouldn't if I were you.

NOLAbridealmost · July 2013

CMGr said:

I think you should give him his ring back. Find someone with more money.

I think that this was unjustified by the tone of the OP. She obviously cares very much for her FI and doesn't want to hurt his feelings which is why she came here for advise. It's not reprehensible to be disappointed that a ring you're expected to wear every day, forever is not your taste regardless of price point. ETA: I missed the part where she compared it in price to her high school ring. That part actually does seem a bit golddiggerish.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Just my .02
This is a good time to be honest and open with your fiance about what you like and what you don't like. There is nothing wrong with lovingly telling your fiance that your feelings for the ring he chose have nothing to do with your feelings for him. In your married life, there are agoing to be many more and far more serious issues where honesty, trust, communication, and respect are going to be crucial.
If you can't resolve an engagement ring difference in taste, how will you get thru the bigger stuff?

LizzyCee · July 2013

I appreciate the understanding, for the most part. I am offended that anyone would consider me shallow for being a little offended at the worth - for the love of god, he just went on a one month trip to Italy for college, I think he can afford a mildly better ring. Regardless, it's a matter of his not necessarily paying attention to the style I like and the excuses he's making concerning the whole situation in general. The whole thing has been very civil; he understands that I loved every minute of our engagement day, but that I'm not in love with the ring, and we're working something out together - we'll both probably pitch in on paying for a new one.

LiLe422 · July 2013

CMGr said:

I think you should give him his ring back. Find someone with more money.

What the FUCK?? Really? Seriously?

@cmgr

ETA: I hope that was shitty use of sarcasm -- with the bs you have been spewing out lately, I cant really tell.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2013

I assume CMGr was being snarky. . . if so, I thought it was funny!

LizzyCee said:

I appreciate the understanding, for the most part. I am offended that anyone would consider me shallow for being a little offended at the worth - for the love of god, he just went on a one month trip to Italy for college, I think he can afford a mildly better ring. Regardless, it's a matter of his not necessarily paying attention to the style I like and the excuses he's making concerning the whole situation in general. The whole thing has been very civil; he understands that I loved every minute of our engagement day, but that I'm not in love with the ring, and we're working something out together - we'll both probably pitch in on paying for a new one.

I wouldn't assume anything about anyone's finances. . . those comments don't usually go over well here.

The rest of your comment seems just fine to me. I have a very close friend who absolutely hates her e-ring, so much so that she never wears it. She never brought it up with her FI now husband because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings, but she says that eventually she would like to get the stones reset into an anniversary band or ring of some sort.

phira · July 2013

So ... my partner is of Irish descent and he gave me a claddagh ring for my birthday last year. He and I discussed getting a VERY similar ring to the one you described as my engagement ring. We ultimately nixed the idea because, like you, I didn't want a heart-shaped stone (I love round stones), and because we could only find such a ring on a sketchy gemstone jewelry website.

I agree with pervious posters that 1) you are NOT shallow, and 2) don't make any assumptions about your fiance's fiances, even if you are privy to them now that you're wedding planning. My partner is super stingy about money, and that meant that we had to seriously budget for my ring and not spend more than we planned to, for any reason. It means my sapphire is going to be pretty teensy, but I'm gonna live with that.

In terms of talking it out with your fiance, I recommend that you make it something you do together. He tried to surprise you with a ring he thought you'd love; it's not fair to ask him to do that again. Sit down, go through photos and Pinterest and etsy and jewelry websites, and discuss styles you each like. Come up with a maximum budget you're both happy with, and then let him find you a ring.

My partner and I did this with each of our rings (we're both wearing engagement rings), and it was a really wonderful experience. It was awesome seeing his eyes light up when we found designs we both really loved.

Finally, if finding a new ring isn't an option, then you can always just wear a wedding band after the wedding. There's definitely nothing wrong with that, and for a lot of people, especially if you work in a setting where you wear latex/nitrile gloves, it's often more comfortable anyway.

manateehugger · July 2013

I agree 100% with @Stagemanager14 - your posts totally make it sound like you are upset about the monetary value of the ring instead of the actual ring itself. The money behind the ring shouldn't matter even remotely as much as what the ring is and what it means.

I specifically told FI I didn't want to know what my ring cost, because it didn't matter to me. He gave me a gift and asked me to be his wife - that was enough.

coolwhipz1 · July 2013

you are making it sound like he didn't spend enough on you, it makes you sound like a total snot. I hope your not actually telling people that. if your FI doesn't seem interested in getting you a new ring then buy yourself one if you can afford it and really need a more expensive ring.

and stop judging his spending habits just because he spent money on something else and it wasn't spent on you. it was his money and he can do with it what he pleases

muenginerd · July 2013

Coming from Irish decent, the claddagh is a very powerful symbol with legends linking it to stories of love and marriage. Thus, it is very popular to be given as engagement/wedding rings or promise rings. It's annoying to see people wearing it who don't know the history or value the meaning of it. But that's my own side note and doesn't relate to anyone, especially in this post.

Now to help OP, I've seen Claddagh rings done nicely as a wedding set. A good jewler can custom make a small diamond band (or other stone) around the base of the hands and heart, solder the bands together and it looks great. If the stone is a problem talk to jewlers about replacing the stone. But keeping the ring will honor your FI's choice and the feelings he had toward the ring.

An engagement ring is something you will theoretically have for the rest of your life. So you should love it. Can you have a wedding band made you love, and wear the other ring on your right hand? That's kind of the traddition in our family. Men use the claddagh as a wedding band, women wear a wedding band on left and the claddagh on their right.

BMoreBride6 · July 2013

muenginerd said:

Coming from Irish decent, the claddagh is a very powerful symbol with legends linking it to stories of love and marriage. Thus, it is very popular to be given as engagement/wedding rings or promise rings. It's annoying to see people wearing it who don't know the history or value the meaning of it. But that's my own side note and doesn't relate to anyone, especially in this post.
An engagement ring is something you will theoretically have for the rest of your life. So you should love it. Can you have a wedding band made you love, and wear the other ring on your right hand? That's kind of the traddition in our family. Men use the claddagh as a wedding band, women wear a wedding band on left and the claddagh on their right.

I'm also Irish and the claddagh means so so so much to me. I love the history and story of it, and I remember "turning my ring" with my FI. It meant so much and even my friends who are not Irish knew what it meant when my ring flipped ; ) but I have a lovely claddagh my dad bought me in Ireland and I wear often on my right hand. And I agree, I cannot stand it when people wear one without an understanding of it, just like I CANNOT STAND IT when people think Shamrocks are 4 leaf clovers...but I'll hop off my high horse now ; )

phira · July 2013

My partner gave me a claddagh ring for my birthday last year, and it means a whole lot to me (he's Irish, I'm not). But just I didn't want one as an engagement ring for a lot of reasons.

I do think that the OP needs to check herself in terms of the whole, "He could have spent more!" He can spend what he feels comfortable spending on the ring. The ring isn't crappy just because it's not the most expensive thing you own.

BUT again, if you're not comfortable with your engagement ring, it's okay to say something. An engagement ring isn't like a typical gift, where you can just say, "Aw, this is so great, thank you!" and then carefully hide it away because you don't like it.

doeydo · July 2013

Communication is always good, telling the truth is always good. So, you should tell him that you were thinking of going to your local jeweler's and either looking for a new ring or looking for a new stone to put into the setting. Then, he can either choose to come with you or not. And no, you're not being too rude or pushy, especially if it was made in a lab!

sierraberry32 · July 2013

My engagement ring is the most expensive thing someone has ever purchased for me, and guess what, it cost him a whopping two hundred dollars. I love it! It's my first and last engagement ring I will ever have and I am more than happy to wear it on my finger for the rest of my life!

If you don't like your engagement, wait till you get your wedding band and wear that instead. No need to make him feel bad.

kerbohl · July 2013

My FI gave me a similar ring for a promise ring, and I love it and wear it on my right hand. Because I loved it, he thought that I would love getting essentially the exact same ring for my engagement ring. The e-ring he bought was much more expensive . . . and I couldn't stand it. It felt ridiculous wearing two claddaughs, and the setting was weird and was getting caught on everything. I eventually had to tell him that I didn't like the e-ring, which was hard, but I think telling him was the right thing to do, and I think you did right to tell your FI. But as my situation proves, price doesn't mean anything - the second claddaugh was much more expensive but didn't suit my lifestyle at all with its setting. The first one he gave me was silver and more simple but was a much better ring in my opinion.

lizandmark2014 · July 2013

You can have your current one reworked; change the setting or cut or both. You could also just wear your wedding band/ ring. Good luck.

gaga4242 · July 2013

Send it back! You have to wear that thing your entire life and it had better be something you like. Most men have bad taste in jewelry so don't worry about insulting him! lol I picked my exact ring before hand so there was no question what I wanted.

LDubHawksFan · July 2013

gaga4242 said:
Send it back! You have to wear that thing your entire life and it had better be something you like. Most men have bad taste in jewelry so don't worry about insulting him! lol I picked my exact ring before hand so there was no question what I wanted.

For someone who hates the industry and the bridezilla mentality, you sure are drinking the kool aid.

LizzyCee · July 2013

I find that a lot of people had good things to say; some did interpret some of the things I said wrong, and for that I feel I could have worded things better. The whole matter has been resolved - we found the perfect ring at an affordable price, and from an ethical jeweler. Part of the problem I was having involved family and friends pinning my fiance as stingy - particularly because at the time he purchased the ring, he had been wasting a lot of the money he already had on things like video games and movies for himself. I'm not generally one of the types who cares A LOT about what is spent on me, but I did feel like I was being put second on his list of priorities. We've matured since then, at least I hope, and understand each other more. Thanks again.

phira · July 2013

LizzyCee said:

I find that a lot of people had good things to say; some did interpret some of the things I said wrong, and for that I feel I could have worded things better. The whole matter has been resolved - we found the perfect ring at an affordable price, and from an ethical jeweler. Part of the problem I was having involved family and friends pinning my fiance as stingy - particularly because at the time he purchased the ring, he had been wasting a lot of the money he already had on things like video games and movies for himself. I'm not generally one of the types who cares A LOT about what is spent on me, but I did feel like I was being put second on his list of priorities. We've matured since then, at least I hope, and understand each other more. Thanks again.

I'm glad to hear that things have been resolved (and I think we'd love to see pictures of the new ring!).

I understand where you're coming from, in terms of how other people perceive your engagement. A lot of folks know from my posts about my engagement ring situation that I originally did not want to wear an engagement ring at all. My partner and I have compromised on that issue, though. And one reason I'm glad we did is that, although it's really, really STUPID, I did not want people to judge my partner if he didn't "get" me an AMAZING ring.

(I put "get" in quotes because we split the cost of my ring.)

My partner grew up working class and struggles financially because of his student loan debt. Because of his upbringing and current financial situation, he's very frugal. With the traditional engagement/proposal narrative, he would have gotten me a very inexpensive ring. It would have LOOKED inexpensive, either because it would look "big" but cheap/fake, or because it would have a tiny stone or something (like from late season 9 of Friends, the engagement ring with the almost impossible-to-see diamond).

If he had gone along with what I wanted--no engagement ring--I may have had to endure the assumption that he was too cheap to get me a ring, and/or that he didn't really care about me and want to marry me.

Maybe my fears were entirely unfounded. I'll never know. But there's a LOT of pressure on everyone to have women wear an engagement ring, and to have men spend a lot on engagement rings (specifically rings that look as expensive as they are). I'm not saying you were right or wrong to feel that pressure and want to cave to it. I'm just saying that I understand.

What if I can't stand my ring?!

Re: What if I can't stand my ring?!

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