Father In Law at Bachelor Party?

Knottie1438368909

Hi There!

So there's lots of talk about having our moms at our bachelorette parties, but what about this.

My dad went to my brother's bachelor party last year because he felt if he was helping pay for the wedding, then he should be a part of everything. Now that it's my turn, he thinks once again he should be invited to the Bachelor Party. I don't think that's fair to force that onto my fiancé, he's not even inviting his own father ! And I know he would want a weekend getaway with his boys where it would just be awkward and a lot less relaxing/fun if my dad were there. 

What do you guys think, how should I approach the situation with my dad (he doesn't take no for an answer very well). Or am I being selfish and should appreciate that he's helping pay for the wedding by letting him be involved in everything?

Maggie0829

Just because your Dad may be helping to pay for the wedding does not mean that he is entitled to be invited to the bach party.  I think that he is way overstepping things with pushing this onto you and your FI.  The person who has sole say over who is invited the bach party is the groom.  If your FI does not want to invite your Dad then he does not have to.  Your Dad is just going to have to get over it.

themosthappy91

Wow that is super awkward and I have to imagine your father has pretty poor social skills if he doesn't see why it's obnoxious to force his way into your FI's bachelor party. Like if your brother was cool with him attended his bachelor party that's one thing (lots of people include their parents in those kinds of celebrations), but demanding to be invited to your FI's bachelor party when he's not even including his own father is way out of line.

I don't actually know what the etiquette at play here is- my instinct is that you still don't have to include him if you don't want to, but I could be wrong. I think the bigger issue is your dad's lack of boundaries. He sounds really pushy and I'd be concerned about that in a bigger picture sense. I'd definitely decline his money and pay for the wedding myself, and I'd be upfront about why I'm doing it- "Dad, while I appreciate your offer to help pay for the wedding, I'm going to have to decline because I don't want  money with strings attached. I think it's important for the health of my marriage to have clear boundaries on things like this."

[Deleted User]

Knottie1438368909 said:

Hi There!

So there's lots of talk about having our moms at our bachelorette parties, but what about this.

My dad went to my brother's bachelor party last year because he felt if he was helping pay for the wedding, then he should be a part of everything. Now that it's my turn, he thinks once again he should be invited to the Bachelor Party. I don't think that's fair to force that onto my fiancé, he's not even inviting his own father ! And I know he would want a weekend getaway with his boys where it would just be awkward and a lot less relaxing/fun if my dad were there. 

What do you guys think, how should I approach the situation with my dad (he doesn't take no for an answer very well). Or am I being selfish and should appreciate that he's helping pay for the wedding by letting him be involved in everything?

Unless your dad is HOSTING the bachelor party, he gets zero say in it.  The host (usually a groomsman, best man, or buddy of the groom) will offer to host/plan a party.  The host determines how many people he can properly host, asks the groom about anything he specifically wants or doesn't want, and the groom gives the host a list of people he'd like invited.  The groom is now out of the loop on planning except to tell whether the day planned for will work.  It's not the groom's fault and CERTAINLY not your fault if your dad doesn't make the guest list.  I'd tell dad that the guest list isn't up to you and that you don't think it'll happen.

loveislouder

Meh, my Dad went to H's bachelor party and his Mom came to my bachelorette. We had a great time.

peachy13

I would drill it into your dad that your FI's father is not planning to attend, and that the guests at the bachelor party are really just your FI's friends and groomsmen. 

If he's unwilling to budge and insists he must be part of this (hopefully not), maybe something can be set up so that there is a group dinner the first night where both dads are invited... and then they can be on their way. Just throwing it out there as a worst case scenario. 

Maggie0829

loveislouder said:

Meh, my Dad went to H's bachelor party and his Mom came to my bachelorette. We had a great time.

But I am assuming that both you and your H were in full agreement that they be invited to your parties.  It sounds like OPs FI does not want to invite her Father along which is completely fine and 100% his choice to not extend that invite.

And add in the fact that basically OPs Father is being pushy and thinks he is entitled to be included just because he is paying for the wedding.

Knottie1438368909

I should probably mention that my Dad is also my employer... So even if we were to decline his financial aid, there are still strings attached in all other aspects of our lives. He's even pushing to host the wedding itself at his house (where my parents got married) but I booked a venue that fits our lifestyle. 

We are having the rehearsal party at his house though in hopes of satisfying his need to be so involved, I hope that helps ! I know the groomsmen who are planning the bach party had no intention of inviting him. He is pushy, but I'm trying not to hurt anyone's feelings either. 

Knottie1438368909

and yes, he has terrible social skills lol.

banana468

Knottie1438368909 said:

I should probably mention that my Dad is also my employer... So even if we were to decline his financial aid, there are still strings attached in all other aspects of our lives. He's even pushing to host the wedding itself at his house (where my parents got married) but I booked a venue that fits our lifestyle. 

We are having the rehearsal party at his house though in hopes of satisfying his need to be so involved, I hope that helps ! I know the groomsmen who are planning the bach party had no intention of inviting him. He is pushy, but I'm trying not to hurt anyone's feelings either. 

You may need top have a heart to heart with dear old dad. It's not OK to use your money to get you what you want with your kids. He needs to realize that now.

Maggie0829

Knottie1438368909 said:

I should probably mention that my Dad is also my employer... So even if we were to decline his financial aid, there are still strings attached in all other aspects of our lives. He's even pushing to host the wedding itself at his house (where my parents got married) but I booked a venue that fits our lifestyle. 

We are having the rehearsal party at his house though in hopes of satisfying his need to be so involved, I hope that helps ! I know the groomsmen who are planning the bach party had no intention of inviting him. He is pushy, but I'm trying not to hurt anyone's feelings either. 

Well hopefully your Dad can delineate between business and personal life and he doesn't hold your employment over your heads when he wants a say in your personal life.

Knottie1438368909

Unfortunately, he has trouble separating the two in our every day lives. 

I can handle him, I'm used to it by now ! I just don't want him to hold this over FI's head forever. Sigh... 

southernbelle0915

That's ridiculous. The wedding and the bach are separate events. Hosted by different people. He may be hosting the wedding but he is NOT hosting the bach and therefore has zero say in who's invited. So no, he does not need to be invited.

Honestly, it sounds like your dad throws his money around to get what he wants instead of forming relationships with people. If I were you two, I would decline any money he offers and just host the event(s) yourself. Otherwise, he's going to keep attaching strings to stuff.

Maggie0829

Knottie1438368909 said:

Unfortunately, he has trouble separating the two in our every day lives. 

I can handle him, I'm used to it by now ! I just don't want him to hold this over FI's head forever. Sigh... 

Yeah that isn't good.  And you shouldn't have to handle him every time he tries to interfere.  I think it is time that you stand up for yourself and no longer give into his demands, especially when he holds your employment with him over your head.  Because it sounds like you always try to appease him just to keep the peace.  Well that isn't always the best course of action and as you can see, you appeasing him leads him to believe he can keep doing what he is doing.

AddieCake

Oh, he is being unreasonable. Your fiancé should only invite him if he wants him there.

Knottie1438368909

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I also don't plan on having my Mom at my bachelorette party (and my MOH knows this !) So I think the 4 of us will have to have a heart to heart about what we want. 

Unfortunately, I'm not in a position to pay for the wedding myself. So their help is much needed and appreciated. If I can make my mom understand why they're not invited, she's usually pretty good at talking dear old dad down off his high horse. Hopefully together we can make him understand he's still fully part of our wedding, but in the end it's a day for us to celebrate with the ones we love, and not for him to flaunt his money (in nicer words of course!)

[Deleted User]

My dad and my FH get along well.  When FH and I are visiting my parents for a weekend, the guys will occasionally end the night with tequila shots.  They watch late night action movies together when mom and I ditch their drunken shenanigans.  Dad can totally hang with the guys.  But he'll never get invited to FH's bachelor party.  It's just a different kind of thing.  Dinner party?  Yes.  Bachelor party? No.  Sporting Event? Yes.  Game night?  Yes.  It's just different.

[Deleted User]

Knottie1438368909 said:

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I also don't plan on having my Mom at my bachelorette party (and my MOH knows this !) So I think the 4 of us will have to have a heart to heart about what we want. 

Unfortunately, I'm not in a position to pay for the wedding myself. So their help is much needed and appreciated. If I can make my mom understand why they're not invited, she's usually pretty good at talking dear old dad down off his high horse. Hopefully together we can make him understand he's still fully part of our wedding, but in the end it's a day for us to celebrate with the ones we love, and not for him to flaunt his money (in nicer words of course!)

Well, there's your problem.  You should plan the wedding you can afford.  Even if that means you and FI with your marriage license at the courthouse, or if it means staying engaged and saving money for two or three years to pay for what you want.  Any gifted money should be bonus, not required.

SP29

The wedding and bachelor party are separate events. Because your dad is contributing to the wedding does not mean he is contributing or hosting the bachelor party, meaning he gets no say.

As said, someone offers to host said party for your FI, lets FI know the budget and FI gives a list of names he'd like to have invited, within that budget. End of planning for FI.

Your dad is definitely being unreasonable. He has no leg to stand on in this one.

I agree with telling him, "One of FI's friends is hosting the party, and the guest list is already established."

Knottie1438368909

adk19 said:

Knottie1438368909 said:

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I also don't plan on having my Mom at my bachelorette party (and my MOH knows this !) So I think the 4 of us will have to have a heart to heart about what we want. 

Unfortunately, I'm not in a position to pay for the wedding myself. So their help is much needed and appreciated. If I can make my mom understand why they're not invited, she's usually pretty good at talking dear old dad down off his high horse. Hopefully together we can make him understand he's still fully part of our wedding, but in the end it's a day for us to celebrate with the ones we love, and not for him to flaunt his money (in nicer words of course!)

Well, there's your problem.  You should plan the wedding you can afford.  Even if that means you and FI with your marriage license at the courthouse, or if it means staying engaged and saving money for two or three years to pay for what you want.  Any gifted money should be bonus, not required.

Oh I know. I wasn't originally in a rush to have a big fancy wedding, I was planning something more 5 years down the road. But we have a lot of family getting old (dad included!) and they want to help so that everyone can attend while we can still have these family members in our lives. Sad to say but some might not be there 5 years from now  

MairePoppy

You should start drawing boundaries with your dad. It's not fair that he uses money as leverage to get what he wants, especially when it's your pay check. You should raise holy hell when your dad tugs on those purse strings. Have you considered looking for another job?

It's absolutely ridiculous that your dad expects to be invited when fi isn't inviting his own dad. Tell him he's not invited. period. Don't try to soothe his hurt feelings. When he throws a temper tantrum or sulks, walk away. 

Knottie1438368909

MairePoppy said:

You should start drawing boundaries with your dad. It's not fair that he uses money as leverage to get what he wants, especially when it's your pay check. You should raise holy hell when your dad tugs on those purse strings. Have you considered looking for another job?

It's absolutely ridiculous that your dad expects to be invited when fi isn't inviting his own dad. Tell him he's not invited. period. Don't try to soothe his hurt feelings. When he throws a temper tantrum or sulks, walk away. 

Yes I've started putting my foot down a little more. I told him we were having the engagement party at my MIL's, and he immediately said "well why not at my house!" So I just followed up with "if you'd let me talk, I was going to say I would like to have the rehearsal at your house, but now maybe I won't.." (with a smile and an evil stare lol). As for the job situation, my brother and I are transitioning to take over the business, so not really something I'm willing to back down from. 

He's just really difficult to talk to sometimes and likes for things to revolve around him a little too much. 

banana468

Nothing is going to work if you don't stand up to him.   He's not going to let you take over the business if you don't show that you're a leader.   

ShesSoCold

Being on TK has made me see how many adults still allow their parents to run their lives. It's astonishing. 

southernbelle0915

Knottie1438368909 said:

MairePoppy said:

You should start drawing boundaries with your dad. It's not fair that he uses money as leverage to get what he wants, especially when it's your pay check. You should raise holy hell when your dad tugs on those purse strings. Have you considered looking for another job?

It's absolutely ridiculous that your dad expects to be invited when fi isn't inviting his own dad. Tell him he's not invited. period. Don't try to soothe his hurt feelings. When he throws a temper tantrum or sulks, walk away. 

Yes I've started putting my foot down a little more. I told him we were having the engagement party at my MIL's, and he immediately said "well why not at my house!" So I just followed up with "if you'd let me talk, I was going to say I would like to have the rehearsal at your house, but now maybe I won't.." (with a smile and an evil stare lol). As for the job situation, my brother and I are transitioning to take over the business, so not really something I'm willing to back down from. 

He's just really difficult to talk to sometimes and likes for things to revolve around him a little too much. 

This is not how reasonable adults communicate. You included. He's throwing his money around to get what he wants and you're finding something he cares about and holding it hostage... Stop playing games.

MairePoppy

Good luck with the transition. I agree with banana, time to show dad that you're in charge of your own life.

I had another thought. I feel this is only going to delay   the 'puttting your foot down' part, but, it will insure your dad doesn't crash the bp. Buy event tickets for you and your dad for the night of the bp.Tell him you want to have some time with him  before the wedding.. I have a feeling this will appeal to his huge ego.

Knottie1438368909

ShesSoCold said:

Being on TK has made me see how many adults still allow their parents to run their lives. It's astonishing. 

It's not that they run our lives. It's wanting them to be a part of it. To enjoy it together. I may be having issues communicating with my father on this particular situation, but I would take that over him not being there at all any day. Some people aren't so lucky to have both their parents with them on their wedding day.

southernbelle0915

Knottie1438368909 said:

ShesSoCold said:

Being on TK has made me see how many adults still allow their parents to run their lives. It's astonishing. 

It's not that they run our lives. It's wanting them to be a part of it. To enjoy it together. I may be having issues communicating with my father on this particular situation, but I would take that over him not being there at all any day. Some people aren't so lucky to have both their parents with them on their wedding day.

Lots of couples include their parents by inviting them to the wedding, making them part of the processional, seating them in the first row, giving them a good table at the reception, letting them make a toast, etc. None of this involves money.

mollybarker11

The bach party is a wedding-related event, but it is not the wedding. Your father's contributions to the wedding have no bearing on the bach party. I agree with others who suggest simply telling him the guest list has been finalized by the host (presumably not you or your FI) and that's that.

And yeah, what Southern Belle said, communicate clearly. Large events and large sums of money are not topics to be coy about.

ShesSoCold

Knottie1438368909 said:

ShesSoCold said:

Being on TK has made me see how many adults still allow their parents to run their lives. It's astonishing. 

It's not that they run our lives. It's wanting them to be a part of it. To enjoy it together. I may be having issues communicating with my father on this particular situation, but I would take that over him not being there at all any day. Some people aren't so lucky to have both their parents with them on their wedding day.

I'm very aware. I rescheduled my own wedding so that my now deceased mother could be there. When she was alive, my mom and I were very close and she was a big part of my life. But holding money, your job and your future over your head is controlling whether you want to admit it or not. And you're allowing it.

banana468

Knottie1438368909 said:

ShesSoCold said:

Being on TK has made me see how many adults still allow their parents to run their lives. It's astonishing. 

It's not that they run our lives. It's wanting them to be a part of it. To enjoy it together. I may be having issues communicating with my father on this particular situation, but I would take that over him not being there at all any day. Some people aren't so lucky to have both their parents with them on their wedding day.

That's not how this works.   Manipulators and abusers are also in lives by controlling them.

My husband is in my life because of a mutual respect and love we have for each other.   He doesn't throw his weight around and issue ultimatums.   My parents don't either.   I have a relationship with my parents now as an adult because we do love and respect each other.   

Do you realize that you've basically stated that your choices are:

A - Come to the wedding but the bride is a doormat

OR

B - The bride stands up for herself and has no relationship with her parents.

That is NOT how it works when all parties are operating in a sane manner.

Sometimes this means that one party needs therapy to set up boundaries.   I've seen it happen and work well because the adult children need to show the parents that THEY are the ones in control of their lives.  MIL tries to do this at times and she's realized that ultimatums have ceased working.   That means that she can't say that BIL and SIL must visit at certain times or stay with MIL and FIL.   Life isn't completely perfect but it's far better than the ultimatums she'd previously issue.