Charity Registries - Which are good?

minnbrandy · July 2013

My fiance and I have discussed it very thoroughly and we are not going to have a gift registry at all, and instead wish to offer charitable giving as a possible alternative for our guests. We like the idea of one of these web sites where you can set up a donation registry that is easy for our guests to use and where we can see the results all in one place.

Does anyone here have any information or experience about the various choices? Scammers to avoid? I want my charities to get as much of the money as possible, understanding that there has to be some fee to cover expenses. (Even if you donate to a charity directly, they lose some of the money to credit card fees.) And I want to be able to freely pick which organizations we give to rather than choosing from a set list. (We want to support some small local groups.)

And yes, for those who may wish to criticize our choice, we know that some guests will be uncomfortable without a registry, but it is a small wedding and we have fantastic mothers and wedding party members who will help those folks make a choice that will leave them at ease. We really want our wedding to be about our family and friends and community supporting one another and our marriage. We truly truly feel that their presence and participation in our wedding is the gift we would value most. We'd rather they spend their money on a hotel room to stay with us an extra night! Of course we would accept gifts if they really wish to give them, and we would never make a big deal about the charity thing or pressure anyone to give at all, much less to anyplace particular. But the commercialization of the wedding is making us sick and this is one of the ways we have found to ease our conscience. (Another is spending the extra dough to support local businesses and local farmers through our food choices instead of going with the cheaper, bigger businesses... so we're putting our money into this belief, not just our guests' money.) Our mind is made up and we know each and every one of our guests well enough (again, small wedding) to feel confident we will not be upsetting or alienating anyone.

manateehugger · July 2013

If you know what we are going to say, why post this?

Please don't do this. Tell your guests what you told us (in person when they ask about gifts, not any other way). Just donate any money/gifts you recieve to charities.

And BTW gifts for weddings is a very old tradtion. Yes, registries and whatnot have made it easier for people to spend all their money, but giving a gift to congratulate a couple on their union is anything but new.

NYCBruin · July 2013

Ditto PP, please don't do this. If you don't want gifts, don't register. If people ask you about what you would like for a gift, you can tell them what you told us. There's no need for a charity registry.

Any gifts or money you do receive you can donate in your own name if that's what you'd like to do.

Please don't treat your wedding as an excuse to get up on a soapbox. Your guests are attending because they care about you and your FI, not because they want to hear about your favorite charity.

minnbrandy · July 2013

I can take criticism and I don't mind you offering your opinions about whether this is a good idea, but that's not what I came here to ask.

The reason I posted was to ask if anyone had experiences with or knowledge of certain charity registry web sites. It seemed to me that a community of people who were preparing for weddings, recently had weddings, or are interested in planning weddings would be the most likely group to have such experience.

So I'm still hoping someone out there might have the information I'm looking for. If you're reading this and you can help, please brave the negativity and post anyway! If you are reading this and want to tell me why you think it's a bad idea, go ahead, I have thick skin, but you're unlikely to change my mind.

(By the way, this message is intended in a spirit of friendliness; I assume those who are offering advice are doing so with positive intent, so I don't want to argue. I just disagree.)

NYCBruin · July 2013

minnbrandy said:

I can take criticism and I don't mind you offering your opinions about whether this is a good idea, but that's not what I came here to ask.

The reason I posted was to ask if anyone had experiences with or knowledge of certain charity registry web sites. It seemed to me that a community of people who were preparing for weddings, recently had weddings, or are interested in planning weddings would be the most likely group to have such experience.

So I'm still hoping someone out there might have the information I'm looking for. If you're reading this and you can help, please brave the negativity and post anyway! If you are reading this and want to tell me why you think it's a bad idea, go ahead, I have thick skin, but you're unlikely to change my mind.

(By the way, this message is intended in a spirit of friendliness; I assume those who are offering advice are doing so with positive intent, so I don't want to argue. I just disagree.)

Aside from it being a bad idea for the reasons listed above, every website is going to take a cut of the money your guests would donate.

The way to get your charity the most money would be to skip the middleman, just donate money/gifts you receive. Tell guests who ask about gifts that you aren't registering for the reasons you stated. You could get away with mentioning that XYZ charity is very important to you and FI and you would be touched if someone made a donation in your name to the charity.

I'm curious, why do your guests need to know that you're donating to the charity? Why is a private donation not enough?

QueerFemme · July 2013

minnbrandy said:

I can take criticism and I don't mind you offering your opinions about whether this is a good idea, but that's not what I came here to ask.

The reason I posted was to ask if anyone had experiences with or knowledge of certain charity registry web sites. It seemed to me that a community of people who were preparing for weddings, recently had weddings, or are interested in planning weddings would be the most likely group to have such experience.

So I'm still hoping someone out there might have the information I'm looking for. If you're reading this and you can help, please brave the negativity and post anyway! If you are reading this and want to tell me why you think it's a bad idea, go ahead, I have thick skin, but you're unlikely to change my mind.

(By the way, this message is intended in a spirit of friendliness; I assume those who are offering advice are doing so with positive intent, so I don't want to argue. I just disagree.)

Try Weddingbee.com. The brides over there have all sorts of advice for really rude ideas. Very few people on this board will admit to having experience with this, because it is considered incredibly rude and violates all sorts of etiquette.

Don't register. People will give you cash. At that point, do whatever you want with it.

itzMS · July 2013

@minnbrandy I want to know how your mothers and wedding party members are going to help guests make a choice that will put them "at ease".

The way I picture it is that your intention is to have them walk around at the reception soliciting guests to donate to specific charities. That, or field phone calls prior to the wedding. Please tell me I'm wrong.

chibiyui · July 2013

Look on Offbeat Bride. I've seen a couple featured weddings on there thatmentioned them, and much less etiquette snark.

manateehugger · July 2013

Ahh yes, because treating your guests with dignity and politeness and not expecting them to hand over their money to your charity is always snarky.

chibiyui said:

Look on Offbeat Bride. I've seen a couple featured weddings on there thatmentioned them, and much less etiquette snark.

manateehugger · July 2013

Liatris2010 said:

chibiyui said:

Look on Offbeat Bride. I've seen a couple featured weddings on there thatmentioned them, and much less etiquette snark.
When did having manners become snarky?

It's MY day! I can be snarky if I want to be!

chibiyui · July 2013

Liatris2010 said:

PDKH said:

Liatris2010 said:

chibiyui said:

Look on Offbeat Bride. I've seen a couple featured weddings on there thatmentioned them, and much less etiquette snark.
When did having manners become snarky?

It's MY day! I can be snarky if I want to be!

You know PDKH, it is always the bride who diregards etiquette because it is HER day who also laments her guests lack of manners. The irony amuses me.

I directed the OP to a better venue for her question, no more no less.

manateehugger · July 2013

chibiyui said:

PDKH said:

Liatris2010 said:

chibiyui said:

Look on Offbeat Bride. I've seen a couple featured weddings on there thatmentioned them, and much less etiquette snark.
When did having manners become snarky?
It's MY day! I can be snarky if I want to be!
You know PDKH, it is always the bride who diregards etiquette because it is HER day who also laments her guests lack of manners. The irony amuses me.
I directed the OP to a better venue for her question, no more no less.

Right. You totally didn't imply that we're snarky. You're right - my bad.

I don't really care if you do call us snarky, but at least own up to it.

NYCBruin · July 2013

PDKH said:

chibiyui said:

PDKH said:

Liatris2010 said:

chibiyui said:

Look on Offbeat Bride. I've seen a couple featured weddings on there thatmentioned them, and much less etiquette snark.
When did having manners become snarky?
It's MY day! I can be snarky if I want to be!
You know PDKH, it is always the bride who diregards etiquette because it is HER day who also laments her guests lack of manners. The irony amuses me.
I directed the OP to a better venue for her question, no more no less.

Right. You totally didn't imply that we're snarky. You're right - my bad.

I don't really care if you do call us snarky, but at least own up to it.

Agreed.

I'd rather be snarky than rude.

chibiyui · July 2013

PDKH said:

chibiyui said:

PDKH said:

Liatris2010 said:

chibiyui said:

Look on Offbeat Bride. I've seen a couple featured weddings on there thatmentioned them, and much less etiquette snark.
When did having manners become snarky?
It's MY day! I can be snarky if I want to be!
You know PDKH, it is always the bride who diregards etiquette because it is HER day who also laments her guests lack of manners. The irony amuses me.
I directed the OP to a better venue for her question, no more no less.

Right. You totally didn't imply that we're snarky. You're right - my bad.

I don't really care if you do call us snarky, but at least own up to it.

Having re-read, neither you nor NYCBruin or Liatris were outright snarky to the OP. So, I'm sorry that my snark was general snark and not direct snark. I also didn't think "snark" was a big insult. That might be because I personally take snark to be a compliment, but I'm also a bitch. I was also feeling defensive I A.) Never thought charity registries were particularly poor manners and B.) Didn't want to be lumped in as completely agreeing with the OP

KDM323 · July 2013

Why not just skip having a shower and then donate any cash gifts you may receive to the charity of your choice?

AddieCake · July 2013

I just wanted to chime in to say that I appreciate that the OP was friendly in her response that she appreciates the comments and is still hoping someone will give her information and that she isn't looking to fight with someone. So refreshing from those who don't want our opinions and then are all "Fuck yourselves, the bunch of you!" about it.

Thanks for your gracious attitude, OP!

jessicabessica · July 2013

Any kind of cash registry, IMO, is rude. I would just say when people ask what gifts you would like that you have everything you need, and are saving for X or would appreciate donations in your name to A, B, C charities. If you must, list the organizations you support on your wedding website, but why give a third party a fee for listing and processing the donations?

I've seen couples with a honeymoon registry and links to several charities that they supported on their wedding website, and I was much less put off by the links to charities' webpages than the HM registry.

Tigerlillith · July 2013

minnbrandy said:
My fiance and I have discussed it very thoroughly and we are not going to have a gift registry at all, and instead wish to offer charitable giving as a possible alternative for our guests. We like the idea of one of these web sites where you can set up a donation registry that is easy for our guests to use and where we can see the results all in one place.

Does anyone here have any information or experience about the various choices? Scammers to avoid? I want my charities to get as much of the money as possible, understanding that there has to be some fee to cover expenses. (Even if you donate to a charity directly, they lose some of the money to credit card fees.) And I want to be able to freely pick which organizations we give to rather than choosing from a set list. (We want to support some small local groups.)

And yes, for those who may wish to criticize our choice, we know that some guests will be uncomfortable without a registry, but it is a small wedding and we have fantastic mothers and wedding party members who will help those folks make a choice that will leave them at ease. We really want our wedding to be about our family and friends and community supporting one another and our marriage. We truly truly feel that their presence and participation in our wedding is the gift we would value most. We'd rather they spend their money on a hotel room to stay with us an extra night! Of course we would accept gifts if they really wish to give them, and we would never make a big deal about the charity thing or pressure anyone to give at all, much less to anyplace particular. But the commercialization of the wedding is making us sick and this is one of the ways we have found to ease our conscience. (Another is spending the extra dough to support local businesses and local farmers through our food choices instead of going with the cheaper, bigger businesses... so we're putting our money into this belief, not just our guests' money.) Our mind is made up and we know each and every one of our guests well enough (again, small wedding) to feel confident we will not be upsetting or alienating anyone.

I too would actually like to know more information on this. My fiancé and I both have everything we need for our home and feel silly about the idea of our friends and families giving us gifts we might never use, let alone them giving us money. Since my fiancé and I, as well as all the honor attendants and most of our families and friends, are "activists" in the green movement in our own ways, we thought setting up a registry for one of our favorite charities, instead of the gift registry, would be a really awesome idea. The people we've spoken with thus far love the idea, and hopefully we'll be able to thank everyone and let them know how much they raised for the charity at the reception. Just because some people think it's rude and poor etiquette for their guests, doesn't mean someone else's guests will feel the same. I know everyone attending our wedding will be excited about this (because you know, they're all my closest friends and family and I'm pretty sure I know them quite well) and If you think your guests will be as down as ours are, I say do it, and if you find out any more as to the matter, I'd like to know since I'm in the same boat!

Jen4948 · July 2013

I prefer to donate to charities for myself than as someone's wedding or shower guest. I have my own choice of causes that I support, which may not be the same as the hosts' or honorees', plus, I prefer to skip the lecture about who you think is "less fortunate" or "in need."

You can donate anything you already own to whatever charity you choose, or any gift I give you to whatever charity you choose. More power to you. But please keep the details to yourself. I give to charity as a gift to the charities of my choice and their beneficiaries, not as a gift to you.

Tigerlillith · July 2013

The topic of this question is not whether you would do it as a guest or for your wedding. The topic is about how to go about setting up a registry for it, who to avoid, etc. Anything else at this point I think may just be beating a dead horse.

artbyallie · July 2013

The thing is, a charity 'registry' is just not equivalent to a gift registry. Someone who wishes to purchase a physical gift for you is not going to accept giving a charitable donation as the same thing. They will still want to give you a boxed gift and rather than donating money will likely just buy something they think/hope you will like.

Tigerlillith · July 2013

artbyallie said:
The thing is, a charity 'registry' is just not equivalent to a gift registry. Someone who wishes to purchase a physical gift for you is not going to accept giving a charitable donation as the same thing. They will still want to give you a boxed gift and rather than donating money will likely just buy something they think/hope you will like.

Unless you really know your guests and know that this is something they will enjoy and agree with and be happy to contribute to. Can't reiterate enough, these comments are just beating a dead horse. The OPs questions have hardly been seriously addressed.

daria24 · July 2013

Personally I would prefer a couple just quietly donate a portion of the cash gifts they receive.

But if this is something you really want to do, I would mention on your website that X charities are very near and dear to your heart, and have your families/friends spread the word that you would be happy if people gave a charitable gift than a physical one if guests enquire about where you are registered. I would not use a third party site. Why do that, when people can easily give 100% of the money directly to the charity?

Btw, initially H and I discussed charitable gifts instead of registering at a store. Our parents and close friends all expressed individually that they would feel obligated to donate to the charity AND still give us a physical gift. No matter how much you stress you hope people will donate, they may still feel weird about not giving you something.

NYCBruin · July 2013

Tigerlillith said:

The thing is, a charity 'registry' is just not equivalent to a gift registry. Someone who wishes to purchase a physical gift for you is not going to accept giving a charitable donation as the same thing. They will still want to give you a boxed gift and rather than donating money will likely just buy something they think/hope you will like.
Unless you really know your guests and know that this is something they will enjoy and agree with and be happy to contribute to. Can't reiterate enough, these comments are just beating a dead horse. The OPs questions have hardly been seriously addressed.

People keep giving their advice for the same reason that when someone asks me if their hair looks ok, I let them know if their lipstick is smeared.

Tigerlillith · July 2013

So! I found out that some of my in laws, that are getting married soon, are also doing a charity registry. I haven't had the time to talk to them personally about it, but I'll try to soon and hopefully report back with info for the OP and anyone that's lurking and interested.

Grabows14 · July 2013

jessicabessica said:
Any kind of cash registry, IMO, is rude. I would just say when people ask what gifts you would like that you have everything you need, and are saving for X or would appreciate donations in your name to A, B, C charities. If you must, list the organizations you support on your wedding website, but why give a third party a fee for listing and processing the donations?

I've seen couples with a honeymoon registry and links to several charities that they supported on their wedding website, and I was much less put off by the links to charities' webpages than the HM registry.

Wait... I'm not thinking of doing this but do you think a honeymoon registry is rude?
I always thought it was a good alternative if you didn't need anything for a house...

Tigerlillith · July 2013

Liatris2010 said:

Tigerlillith said:

The topic of this question is not whether you would do it as a guest or for your wedding. The topic is about how to go about setting up a registry for it, who to avoid, etc. Anything else at this point I think may just be beating a dead horse.

Is that what the question is asking? Thank you for explaining it to me. I was really confused and then I saw your post and all of a sudden grew reading comprehension. Oh wait no, that didn't happen. You can't tell people how to post. When you ask for advice on a public forum, people will comment on all the parts of your post, however they feel like commenting. They will not limit their comments to the specific question asked and only include the ones you want to hear. Welcome to the internet.

Right on.

Jen4948 · July 2013

Tigerlillith said:

The topic of this question is not whether you would do it as a guest or for your wedding. The topic is about how to go about setting up a registry for it, who to avoid, etc. Anything else at this point I think may just be beating a dead horse.

Sorry, but when posting on the Internet, or for that matter asking a question anywhere, you don't get to control how it is answered.

Charity Registries - Which are good?

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