Is it wrong to ask female guests to cover their hair for the ceremony

mrshaque · July 2013

Hi,

I was just wondering if it is poor taste to ask female guests to cover their hair for the ceremony part of the wedding because it will be held in a mosque.

Mosque etiquette dictates that women cover everything but their faces hands and feet while in the prayer area, which is where ceremonies are performed. Is it wrong to ask that my non-muslim guests cover as well?

Simply Fated · July 2013

No, it's not wrong to ask. That doesn't mean everyone will do it, though.

Will coverings be provided? I think that'll help. At temples they usually have extra coverings by the door for guests to use. Most use them, some forget or don't notice lol.

itzMS · July 2013

mrshaque said:

Hi,

I was just wondering if it is poor taste to ask female guests to cover their hair for the ceremony part of the wedding because it will be held in a mosque.

Mosque etiquette dictates that women cover everything but their faces hands and feet while in the prayer area, which is where ceremonies are performed. Is it wrong to ask that my non-muslim guests cover as well?

You should talk to your officiant first as to how past weddings were handled and his/her preferences for your guests' attire.

I do not typically wear pants and long sleeves to a ceremony, nor do I know a proper veil to wear. So I'd be totally in the dark here...and I definitely wouldn't want to show disrespect .

You will likely need to call your guests and explain, if the dress requirements hold firm for non-muslims.

mrshaque · July 2013

Ok, I will definitely speak with our Imam before we make out the invitations, I'm definitely not asking that they dress in an abaya and full hijab. but at least dress conservatively, no mini skirts, cardigans if they have a tank dress, etc.

itzMS · July 2013

mrshaque said:

ok, so as long as i provide scarves for the ladies and possibly kufis for the men it's acceptable. Thank you for the responses!

Not necessarily.

As a non-Muslim, I would still prefer you call and explain the tradition to me so I can be as respectful as possible. Don't just assume someone will understand and be totally okay with picking up a scarf and wearing it.

Why did you mention the full-coverage for women if it's not required?

STARMOON44 · July 2013

How many non-muslim guests will be attending? Do female guests need to also cover everything else? Id drape a scarf over my head, but if what you're really needing is a full wrap around scarf that covers the neck as well, a floor length skirt, and a long sleeved high necked blouse I think you need to make that very very clear on an insert.

Does your officiant require non- Muslim women to cover themselves? I'd check before you tell them they need to.

And just for another info point, if I had to be fully covered to attend your ceremony I'd be skipping it and just going to the reception. Be prepared that others may make this choice as well.

mrshaque · July 2013

Liatris2010 said:

Can you clarify about the everything needs to be covered bit? I usually wear a sleeveless cocktail length dress to weddings, so I'd be happy to cover my hair, but what do I do with my arms and legs? If everything needs to be covered, guests should know, so they can wear something appropriate.

Everything needs to be covered means that your cleavage is not hanging out, if you do wear a sleeveless dress, wear/bring a cardigan at least for the ceremony so that your arms are covered, legs, i would assume stockings/hose of some type would be appropriate, granted again i would need to speak to the imam regarding these things, as I'm only truly familiar with what is required for offering salah (prayer)

keochan · July 2013

Also, many non-muslim women have no idea how to secure a hijab, I only know because I went to mosque with a friend a few times while she was converting. Floor length skirts or even looser pants are appropriate if my memory serves correctly. I was able to put together an outfit one a days notice, so I think as long as you explain the dress code required of women in a mosque you should be okay. And please provide the hair coverings, you could let them keep them afterwards to use as a scarf

ETA:spelling

mrshaque · July 2013

starmoon, the only non muslim guests as of now would be my grandmother, mother, father, godparents, my godparents son and his wife, and a few people from my doctors office who my family are very close with. everyone else would be a member of our mosque (as it's open to the community)

itzMS · July 2013

mrshaque said:

Liatris2010 said:

Can you clarify about the everything needs to be covered bit? I usually wear a sleeveless cocktail length dress to weddings, so I'd be happy to cover my hair, but what do I do with my arms and legs? If everything needs to be covered, guests should know, so they can wear something appropriate.
Everything needs to be covered means that your cleavage is not hanging out, if you do wear a sleeveless dress, wear/bring a cardigan at least for the ceremony so that your arms are covered, legs, i would assume stockings/hose of some type would be appropriate, granted again i would need to speak to the imam regarding these things, as I'm only truly familiar with what is required for offering salah (prayer)

Even if I wear my most conservative sleveless dress and a cardigan, part of my neck will be showing.

I would highly doubt that sockings or hose count as legs/ankles covered.

Personally, I would be much too worried about being disrespectful in my choice of dress, so I'd have to skip your ceremony like another poster had said.

With requirements this strict, please be very VERY clear to your non-Muslim guests.

STARMOON44 · July 2013

In that case, I think you need to first discuss with the imam the minimum standard required of a non-Muslim guest, and then talk to your family about it. The fact that you're asking whether it's acceptable makes me think you're worried they may not be receptive to it, so I'd talk to them early. And avoid saying things like "cleavage hanging out.". It sounds very judgmental. Be descriptive instead- neck must come up to collar bone, elbows and knees covered etc.

emmyg65 · July 2013

I did a little googling and found the following recommendations for outfits for female guests:

A pant-suit with a long-sleeved blouse, long coat and scarf

A maxi-dress worn with a jacket or long-sleeved shirt, and a scarf

A long skirt, blouse and poncho or capelet with a scarf

I'm not sure where you're getting married or how many non-Muslim guests you'll have, but in my social circle, I wouldn't typically wear any of those outfits to a wedding, though I'd be happy to do so if I had advance notice.

I think you definitely need to put an insert in your invitations detailing the dress requirements. I'm sure guests will be willing to accommodate if they know ahead of time, but it'd certainly be awkward if they showed up in a sleeveless cocktail dress!

mrshaque · July 2013

Keochan, you're absolutely correct, loose pants, maxi dresses/skirts, tunics are all appropriate attire, I still need to question the Imam as we are having the ceremony at a mosque that we don't typically attend, I need to double check and see if there is a separate area for women, or if the women sit in the back,if there is a separate area for women, i would assume that the dress code may not be as stringent for the non muslim guests, it may not even be as strict because the non-,muslim women will not be performing the prayers anyway, so they don't have to worry about their fannies sticking up in the air, again, i need to double, possibly even triple check with the imam

NYCBruin · July 2013

mrshaque said:

Keochan, you're absolutely correct, loose pants, maxi dresses/skirts, tunics are all appropriate attire, I still need to question the Imam as we are having the ceremony at a mosque that we don't typically attend, I need to double check and see if there is a separate area for women, or if the women sit in the back,if there is a separate area for women, i would assume that the dress code may not be as stringent for the non muslim guests, it may not even be as strict because the non-,muslim women will not be performing the prayers anyway, so they don't have to worry about their fannies sticking up in the air, again, i need to double, possibly even triple check with the imam

This sounds like a good plan. I would ask for very clear descriptions of what is/is not appropriate. I doubt this is the first wedding there with non-Muslim guests in attendance. The Imam may even have suggested wording for an insert to alert guests to the required dress code.

RamonaFlowers · July 2013

Ask your Imam if the covering is absolutely mandatory for all guests, and if so, get EXACT requirements before addressing the matter with your guests.

I don't what would and would not be acceptable, but I get the feeling wearing a cardigan and hosiery with a cocktail dress does not actually qualify if it is absolutely mandatory to be covered.

mrshaque · July 2013

I've never experienced an Islamic wedding so this is all new to me. I've only just converted a year ago, so there's still A LOT to learn.

manateehugger · July 2013

I'd also say in this case that it might help to show your imam photos of what you think would be appropriate as well so you can be very clear.

It's not usually etiqutte appropriate, but I'd also say if you have a website to include pictures there too. I'm a visual person, so it'd help me to have a model to go off of.

Viczaesar · July 2013

I would probably skip the ceremony and just go to the reception.

winelover123 · July 2013

Definitely put the dress code for the ceremony on an insert in your invitation. Or tell each non-Muslim guest. I think as long as you have some scarves for the women, you'll be fine.

fuerst37 · July 2013

I like the suggestion of your calling your "yeses" back with a little guidance. I know that I would have no clue what to wear, and *if* I realized my standard dress would be an issue, I would be trying to google what might be appropriate. A brief conversation with a bride would make me feel better.

But definitely, definitely talk to the imam to get guidance. It can't hurt, and I think everyone will be more comfortable that way.

WinstonsGirl · July 2013

Totally put something in an insert card about the requirements of the mosque. We were in several Muslim countries last summer, and we made sure we were properly dressed when entering mosques so that we wouldn't have issues. I personally wore maxi dresses (tank style) and carried a scarf with me, which I put over my head and used the rest to cover my shoulders. We had no issues at all.

And I agree, talk to your Imam to clarify what exactly is appropriate. My guess (based on my past experiences) is that it is similar when going to many Catholic venues (in Italy for example, not necessarily the Catholic Church down the street), as in knees and shoulders covered, no cleavage hanging out with the addition of a scarf covering the head (not specifically a hijab). I would also suggest have a handful of scarves on hand at the door in case anyone does forget.

wrigleyville · July 2013

I like the idea of not only calling people but maybe linking to a page on your wedding website (if you have one) that shows some examples. You could point them to that.

I think a Muslim wedding would be very interesting, and I'd look forward to going. I'd feel bad if I weren't properly dressed for it, so I think it's great that you're taking steps to ensure everyone is comfortable. I don't think it's wrong at all.

My cousin belongs to an old school Catholic church, and the women still have to wear knee-length dresses or slacks and cover their shoulders and head. She let everyone know, and the church had little head covers near the doors (which is standard) for those who showed up without hats. They're just like the ones I've seen in my mom's wedding photos. They look like little doilies.

phira · July 2013

I'm not Muslim, but I'm Jewish, and I grew up attending a synagogue that followed Conservative practices (although it wasn't officially a Conservative congregation). When I had my Bat Mitzvah service, we informed female guests that all skirts needed to be knee-length or longer, and that their shoulders needed to be covered. We let non-Jewish men know that they needed to wear a kippah and where the kippot would be located, and we also let non-Jewish women know that they weren't required to wear a kippah, but they could. Everyone was very respectful.

My point here is that it's not entirely unheard of for guests to be asked to dress a certain way when they're in a house of worship. You can also encourage guests to bring a change of clothes for the reception, or offer suggestions of ways to cover up a reception outfit so it's appropriate for the ceremony (e.g. covering your hair and shoulders with a shawl, bringing a cardigan).

Speak with your imam about the requirements, and be sure to use specific examples to gauge what's appropriate and what's not. I recommend having a section on your wedding website, or including an insert with your invitations, explaining the dress requirements for the ceremony.

As other posters have mentioned, a lot of Catholic churches also have similar requirements for appropriate attire, and if you've visited Italy without checking guidebooks, you may have even been kept from entering churches while sightseeing. I want to emphasize that dress restrictions are not unique to Islam, and it's completely within the realm of good etiquette to tell your guests about appropriate attire in a house of worship.

NOLAbridealmost · July 2013

StageManager14 said:

I would need help dressing for such a wedding. I'm used to Catholic ones and have lots of shawls, and I could Youtube how to cover my hair if I knew to do it, but I would be lost past that. I don't own a single long gown that isn't a Target Maxi dress, and I would wonder how high a heel I could wear without being disrespectful. I would also want to know if I should keep covered up at the reception, and if I'll be separated from my husband at all.
All of this. I think a general note about how a Muslim wedding ceremony works would be good, including but not limited to dress. I would respectfully decline to attend a ceremony where I knew ahead of time that I was to be segregated based on my gender, but if I got there and discovered it was happening I would be highly insulted and there would be no respect in my exit from said ceremony. Best to give a heads up about that sort of thing.

If I could love this a hundred times I would. I would dress to fit the modesty codes if I was warned ahead of time.

But I will not attend a wedding where I am separated based on gender. Sorry. Just not happening.

BMoreBride6 · July 2013

StageManager14 said:

I would need help dressing for such a wedding. I'm used to Catholic ones and have lots of shawls, and I could Youtube how to cover my hair if I knew to do it, but I would be lost past that. I don't own a single long gown that isn't a Target Maxi dress, and I would wonder how high a heel I could wear without being disrespectful. I would also want to know if I should keep covered up at the reception, and if I'll be separated from my husband at all.
All of this. I think a general note about how a Muslim wedding ceremony works would be good, including but not limited to dress. I would respectfully decline to attend a ceremony where I knew ahead of time that I was to be segregated based on my gender, but if I got there and discovered it was happening I would be highly insulted and there would be no respect in my exit from said ceremony. Best to give a heads up about that sort of thing.

I would also want to know ahead of time if I was going to be separated from my FI, in which case I would decline with the most respect I could. If I arrived and was told at the door we was to sit in one area, and I in another, that would put us in a horribly uncomfortable situation.

phira · July 2013

I wouldn't want to attend a ceremony where guests were segregated by gender, whether or not my partner was attending with me. I went to Friday night services with an Orthodox congregation once in college and was really uncomfortable the entire time. Whether or not I went to a wedding ceremony with segregation would depend on a LOT of factors.

tiny speck · July 2013

Definitely let your guests know if there will be strict requirements. I attended the Muslim wedding of a good friend of mine, and while it was not in a mosque, all of the women had dresses with sleeves and a shawl to put their heads at the appropriate time.

All the women, that is, except me and a handful of others. I wore a long dress and had a cardigan with me anyways, but it was really embarrassing not having a head covering, and only realising it was maybe necessary when all of a sudden all the women who weren't already covering their hair put veils on.

MobKaz · July 2013

phira said:

I wouldn't want to attend a ceremony where guests were segregated by gender, whether or not my partner was attending with me. I went to Friday night services with an Orthodox congregation once in college and was really uncomfortable the entire time. Whether or not I went to a wedding ceremony with segregation would depend on a LOT of factors.

I think clarification may also be necessary regarding the reception as well.

I do not mean to generalize, but my son attended a Muslim wedding. He attended the wedding with several female classmates, and was the sole male. Even at the reception, the genders were separated. He was alone in a room with the entire male guest list, not knowing another soul. He was extremely uncomfortable.

Is it wrong to ask female guests to cover their hair for the ceremony

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