Engagement questions..

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Looking to you all for advice- when is it appropriate to get engaged? How long had you been dating before you proposed? How long had your family known your significant other? When did you ask the parents for their blessing? Did you show anyone else the ring before proposing? Did you tell other people your proposal plan? All discussion is welcomed. I'm only asking because I know I've found the love of my life.. We have talked about marriage, currently live together, and I have bought her a ring.. But I don't want to rush into things or jeopardize our future by moving to fast. So im looking to you to let me know your thoughts..

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

It is appropriate to get engaged whenever you feel it is the right time for you. There is no right or wrong answer here. If you love each other and are on the same page then you can get engaged. I've answered your questions below.

Mrsby2015 said:

Looking to you all for advice- when is it appropriate to get engaged? How long had you been dating before you proposed? Just over 5 months. How long had your family known your significant other? We have been friends for 11 years, so my family has known him for 11 years. When did you ask the parents for their blessing? I didn't. I told my FI that if he respected me he wouldn't talk to my parents prior to proposing. It is fine for some people, but I didn't want it. Did you show anyone else the ring before proposing? I've had the ring longer than I've had FI because I used to work in a jewelry store and got it with my discount. Friends had seen it before it was on my finger. Did you tell other people your proposal plan? Only his dad and brother knew that he was going to propose, but even he didn't know how he was going to do it. He did it when it felt right. All discussion is welcomed. I'm only asking because I know I've found the love of my life.. We have talked about marriage, currently live together, and I have bought her a ring.. But I don't want to rush into things or jeopardize our future by moving to fast. So im looking to you to let me know your thoughts..

manateehugger · July 2013

Mrsby2015 said:

Looking to you all for advice- when is it appropriate to get engaged? How long had you been dating before you proposed? How long had your family known your significant other? When did you ask the parents for their blessing? Did you show anyone else the ring before proposing? Did you tell other people your proposal plan? All discussion is welcomed. I'm only asking because I know I've found the love of my life.. We have talked about marriage, currently live together, and I have bought her a ring.. But I don't want to rush into things or jeopardize our future by moving to fast. So im looking to you to let me know your thoughts..

1. It honestly depends on the couple and where each partner is in life. I say when you are in a committed, emotionally mature, financially stable, and deeply meaningful relationship, you can start talking marriage.

2. Over four years.

3. Over four years.

4. I talked to my parents about our relationship all along. He called to ask my parents' blessing about a week before he proposed.
5. He went with my best friend to pick it out; he knew vaguely what I wanted, but I didn't see it beforehand.
6. I actually don't know if he told anyone about how he planned to propose. It was a very private moment between us, for which I am infinitely glad.

Some questions for you:
Why do you think you might be rushing? How long have you known her? How old are you?

monkeysip · July 2013

I don't really know how to answer this.

I don't think the families should have much to do with it (obviously you should make attempts to get to know each other's families, but they shouldn't influence when you get engaged as long as everyone is of legal age).

H and I had been dating 8 1/2 years when we got engaged, but that's because we were high school sweethearts. We waited until we were 24 and more financially secure. We wanted to be done with school and have decent jobs before getting married. In no way am I suggesting that people must date that long or be that age before getting engaged. That's what was best FOR US.

H told his family he was going to propose, and he did tell my mom beforehand (not really permission, just wanted to tell her first).

I mean, only you can know if it's "too fast". I'm not sure why it would jeopardize your relationship.

I think the most important thing is a realistic understanding of marriage. Whatever your age, you need the maturity to understand the difficulties marriage can bring and how to sacrifice your desires for the needs of your spouse and your family. If you're both at a place in your life where you can understand that, then you at least have the primary foundation to build a marriage (not saying that's all it takes, but I think it's important).

tesskerr · July 2013

I have been with FI since I was 13, he was 15. We moved in together when I was 16 and he was 18. We both were then attending tertiary schools. We got full time jobs at 17 and 19. We got our own proper place when I was 18, I also purchased my beauty therapy business then.

We got engaged when I was 23 and FI was 25. We always wanted to get married, from day one, but we rushed into everything else, I really wanted to wait. Now we have been engaged for 3 years, and are expecting our first baby, and about to buy our first home. Hopefully we will get married January 2015. I will be 27, and we would have been girlfriend/boyfriend & FI for 14 years. That will be over half of my life.

We did everything super young, or backwards, or slow. We are so happy, never fight, and are best friends. We have managed to travel, buy a home (nearly!) and have really successful jobs. No one way is right for anybody. But there is no need to rush either.

We picked the ring together. There was no asking for permission or anything.

AddieCake · July 2013

Every couple is different, so there's no real way to say what's "right."

My husband and I met over 10 years ago and then lost contact. A few years ago, we found each other again and knew immediately that we were serious. We dated long-distance for a year, and he met my family one holiday during that time. Then he moved to the state I lived in and in with me. A few months later, he changed our FB statuses to engaged, we found my ring, and then got married a couple years later.

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

Mrsby2015 said:

Looking to you all for advice- when is it appropriate to get engaged? IMO - when you're in an emotionally mature relationship and both of you have absolutely no doubts that you want to be with each other for the rest of your lives. How long had you been dating before you proposed? FI propsed to me 3.5 years after we started seriously dating. How long had your family known your significant other? for 3.5 years. When did you ask the parents for their blessing? He/I/my parents all knew that "permission" would only come from me, but FI is very traditional and wanted their "blessing". He went to dinner with just them and asked for it about 2-3 weeks before he proposed. Did you show anyone else the ring before proposing? I don't know for sure if he did, but I don't think so. Did you tell other people your proposal plan? He told my parents when he asked for their blessing and I think the guy who's now his best man. His proposal "plan" didn't happen though. We were on a trip and his plan was 3 days in at a place he had picked out. The 2nd night we were in a really beautiful place watching the sunset and he said later he knew it was right so he did it then. All discussion is welcomed. I'm only asking because I know I've found the love of my life.. We have talked about marriage, currently live together, and I have bought her a ring.. But I don't want to rush into things or jeopardize our future by moving to fast. So im looking to you to let me know your thoughts..

Ven&Radio · July 2013

As others have said, there is no one size fits all answer. Even though I knew my fiancé was "the one", I think I would have been horrified if he proposed much earlier than he did (around the 4 year mark). I was never the little girl who dreamed of her wedding and I wasn't even sure I wanted to get married until I'd been with my FI for a couple years.

Ven&Radio · July 2013

Since mobile won't let me edit... Personally, I would have been offended if my parents were consulted prior to the proposal. I'm not my parents property - I'm a self sufficient independent adult. One of my biggest pet peeves ever is not treating an adult like an adult.

Peaseblossom55 · July 2013

Everyone is different so you will get many different answers on this. I think as long as a couple is financially independent it is appropriate to begin thinking about the future and being married

FI & I were together almost 3 1/2 years before he proposed.

They met FI 3 months after we began dating. My mom pulled me aside when she meeting him for the first time and said marry him. My whole family loved him from the start. He did get my dad's blessing a week or so before became engaged.

FI gave the ring to his mom to bring down to where he proposed so she saw it, since he proposed at the family timeshare in the bahamas. I think a few family and friends knew it was going to happen. I didn't... lol

silver0319 · July 2013

Looking to you all for advice- when is it appropriate to get engaged? Whenever you feel it's right.

How long had you been dating before you proposed? Just over 4 years

How long had your family known your significant other? My parents live out of state, but met him a few months after we'd started dating. I met his family within the first month of our relationship. I was living with my grandmother when we started dating, so she met him within the first few months.

When did you ask the parents for their blessing? FI didn't ask for their blessing; he told my parents he was going to propose. My mom's response was "You can have her!"

Did you show anyone else the ring before proposing? FI's best friend helped him pick it out and he showed my sister a picture.

Did you tell other people your proposal plan? His best friend, his family, and my family.

fre3doms · July 2013

When is it appropriate to get engaged? When you both feel ready. Every couple is different.
How long had you been dating before you proposed? Two years and almost 3 months before he officially asked. When we started dating he told me the goal was to get married. He waited until he was out of the Navy, had a good job and felt emotionally ready.
How long had your family known your significant other? We meet each others families two weeks after we started dating.
When did you ask the parents for their blessing? My fiance asked my dad permission about two-three weeks before proposing. Pretty sure my mom and sister were there too. He actually was given a deadline to propose---before my sister went to camp for the summer.
Did you show anyone else the ring before proposing? I actually saw the ring almost a year before I received it. That's how we found out I have fat fingers. I do not think he showed anyone else.
Did you tell other people your proposal plan? My sister told me my dad told him just to do something unique to us. So he used a new cribbage board to hide the ring. Told me later he wanted to add a picnic but did not have time to plan one. I told him the way he did it was perfect--private, at my house and using a unique way. My family and I knew it was coming but not the exact way or day.

My advice is do it in a way you think is best. Everyone is different. Best of luck to you and your planning.

Ajuliana · July 2013

Op, we love details so please share!

Dating for five years, but our families knew each other because we are from a small town. I feel like at least a year is appropriate before proposing as a general rule of thumb but everyone and every couple is different. Fi asked my parents, only showed them the ring, and kept it a pretty tight secret.

thejucheidea · July 2013

How long had you been dating before you proposed? Three years, one month.

How long had your family known your significant other? About four and a half years. We were friends for nearly two years before we started dating.

When did you ask the parents for their blessing? My fiance called my dad a few days before he proposed, and my dad's reaction was 'what took you so long?'

Did you show anyone else the ring before proposing? I showed my friends the ring because it's my grandma's wedding set, so I had pictures. He had the ring for a year and a half before proposing, but he did not show it to anyone.

Did you tell other people your proposal plan? As far as I know, he didn't tell anyone.

Aray82 · July 2013

My parents got engaged barely 4 months after they met and they've been married for 35 years. My FI proposed after 2 1/2 years of being a couple and a year of living together. When the time is right, it's right. We had talked about eventually getting married, but we both wanted the proposal to be a surprise. He told his brothers to ask for their advice on where to go ring-shopping and how to pick one out, but he never showed it to anyone. I absolutely love it and would've loved anything he'd chosen; it really meant a lot to me that he took the time to choose one he thought I'd like. People have different tastes, so in my opinion if you show people the ring they'll be basing their opinions on what their personal preferences are. You probably know her tastes and style by now, so I'm sure you've picked out a ring she'll love! No advice about timing here--only you and she can know when the time is right!

NYCBruin · July 2013

Mrsby2015 said:

Looking to you all for advice- when is it appropriate to get engaged? When the couple is ready to get engaged. How long had you been dating before you proposed? We had been dating a little over 2 years. How long had your family known your significant other?We actually met at my cousin's wedding so he has known part of my extended family for years (they were college roommates) and met my brother at the bachelor party. My parents were there the night we met. I met his family within a few months of dating since they live by us. When did you ask the parents for their blessing? If he had mentioned it to me, I would have said I wouldn't want this since I'm an adult who makes my own decisions. However, it made my dad happy that he spoke to him and my brother when we were visiting over Christmas and basically asked for their blessing. He didn't say anything to my mother because he knew I would be mad if I wasn't the first one to tell her. This was several months before he proposed. Did you show anyone else the ring before proposing? No, he didn't want anyone else to see the ring before me. Did you tell other people your proposal plan? He called my dad/brother to let them know he was proposing a few days before hand. My cousin also knew and his immediate family knew. All discussion is welcomed. I'm only asking because I know I've found the love of my life.. We have talked about marriage, currently live together, and I have bought her a ring.. But I don't want to rush into things or jeopardize our future by moving to fast. So im looking to you to let me know your thoughts..

phira · July 2013

How long had you been dating before you proposed? We're planning on getting engaged at the end of the summer. We'll have been together for almost two years, and we'll have lived together for a year.

How long had your family known your significant other? We met each other's families after we'd already been dating for a few months.

When did you ask the parents for their blessing? My mom knows that my partner and I are planning to get married, and I'm sure no one will be surprised. However, we're not asking families for permission. We're adults, and we don't think that's appropriate. I also come from a family with a lot of divorces and a lot of life-partner-y situations, so I don't think anyone's even expecting to be asked.

Did you show anyone else the ring before proposing? I've shown a few friends pictures of the ring we selected for my partner's engagement ring, as well as the inspiration pictures for my ring. We haven't seen mine yet (custom-made). No one will see the actual rings until we're officially engaged.

Did you tell other people your proposal plan? A handful of my friends know exactly when my partner and I will be getting engaged. More people are aware that we'll be engaged by the end of the summer, mostly since they had asked me about what our plans were. Besides my mom knowing that we're definitely planning on getting married, no one in our families knows that we're getting engaged soon, or that we've purchased rings.

I hesitate to say that, without exceptions, no one except the two of you will know when you're ready for marriage. I can definitely think of some couples who got married before they were really ready, or who married people they're unhappy with. But there's really no magical test to tell you when you're ready or not--you just know.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

I am 27 & k is 29. We have been together for almost 8 years but just recently(within the last year) came out to our families.. I have no hesitations about marriage and her and I have talked a lot about marriage wedding future etc. I figured asking people who have no biased opinion made sense.. I know it's about her and I and when we are ready but i also want to take others into consideration so it doesn't impact our special time.. Thank you all for sharing your stories..

margaretskye · July 2013

When is it appropriate to get engaged? It's appropriate whenever you two are ready/on the same page about big life things.

How long had you been dating before you proposed? 3 years and 4 months

How long had your family known your significant other? about 5 years

When did you ask the parents for their blessing? He didn't. My parents would have laughed at him if he did - he already knew that they love him and he also knew that they think the whole "asking the parents' permission" is silly.

Did you show anyone else the ring before proposing? He didn't.

Did you tell other people your proposal plan? He didn't.

Good luck with your proposal!!

Jean0715 · July 2013

Mrsby2015 said:

Looking to you all for advice- when is it appropriate to get engaged? Whatever feels right for you and when you know want to marry your partner. How long had you been dating before you proposed? He proposed about 3 1/2 years into our relationship. How long had your family known your significant other? Our entire relationship. He introduced himself to them before we left for our first date. When did you ask the parents for their blessing? He didn't. They were a bit taken back but overall happy about the engagement. Every family is different. Did you show anyone else the ring before proposing? He only showed his Grandmother. She held onto it until the day he proposed. Did you tell other people your proposal plan? Not until the day of. He told his family so that afterwards we could go celebrate over dinner with them at their house. He was very secretive because he didn't want anyone to tell. I think that the quieter you can keep it the best. There will be less of a chance that it will get back to your significant other. Also god forbid something happens and you are unable to propose that day you don't want people to get antsy and start asking questions and possibly ruin the upcoming surprise. .

JBee85 · July 2013

1. No one can give you an answer for this. This is something you and your partner have to discuss on your own terms.

2. 7 years. It was worth the wait.

3. Same amount of time. I never met his parents because they live in a different country. I am about to in a few months and have been dating my fiance for 9 years now.

4. My fiance did not ask for my father's blessings because of time constraints. He just went through with it and arranged a lunch get together with my dad privately.

5. I did not have the ring in my possession until I was proposed to.

6. The proposal was a surprise. The only person who knew about the upcoming proposal is our best man who helped picked the ring out.

Angusaur · July 2013

My FI and I knew we wanted to eventually get married, but didn't think it was important to do so right away. We decided to start a family first. (Which is backwards to most people, but I'm ok with it)

I never got a "real" proposal where he asked me. We just as two adults, agreed that we wanted to get married, and started ring shopping.

We decided to get married about 18 months after dating. We've been together almost 6 years. My family has known him since we started dating.

We did not get a blessing from my parents. I am an adult, and after having a child together, it would be a little silly to go to them to ask "permission".

Again, no proposal. So we are the only two who saw the ring when we picked it out together.

crunchymamaof2 · July 2013

FI and I have been together for 6 years now but only have been "officially" engaged since February. He bought a house about 6 months after we started dating and I moved in about 2 weeks later. Once that happened (and we got our puppy!) we both knew that this was it. We had talked about where the relationship was headed early on; him coming out of a bad divorce and me coming out of a very rough battle with addiction both were in it for the long haul. Getting married was just never a priority. We had the house, the dog, 2 beautiful boys, why did we need a piece of paper to prove our commitment? As time went on we decided we would get married when time and money was right. We began talking more seriously about it in January of this year, looked at rings (I picked two and he chose from them), and he purchased and proposed a few days before Valentine's day. Our families figured it was coming; a few would get up our butts about it once in awhile, but he didn't ask my parents beforehand and I would have been upset if he had. I would have been okay with asking my grandfather for his blessing, but he didn't and that's a okay with me.

Basically, it just felt right. We could afford it, and it felt like it would finally complete our family since I would now share the same name as them. My grandfather is also getting up there in age and I couldn't marry without him there so that was also a factor.

If you have the slightest hesitation wait. But if you know she's the one for you and are independent adults then go for it! Getting engaged doesn't mean you have to get married the following week. Engagements can be as long or short as you want in order to save up and/or plan the wedding you want.

Good luck!

Oh- one thing I think is important before getting engaged is to talk about major life things. Like kids, religion, finances, etc. You want to make sure you both are on the same page. I'd be devastated if I married a man only to later find out he did not want children. Deal breaker.

Amsdragonfly · July 2013

I don't believe there is a right or wrong answer here, like some PPs said. I've known FI since we were in first grade when we were friends, we lost touch in middle school and then met again in a class and started dating in our senior year. We will have been together a total of 8 years when we get married, but we've known each other much longer than that. Crazy, right?

kipnus · July 2013

When is it appropriate to get engaged? This is a tough question, and I think PPs have offered some good answers. How long had you been dating before you proposed? 7 months. How long had your family known your significant other? 7 months. When did you ask the parents for their blessing? H talked to my Dad about it a week before he proposed. He showed my mom the ring, but he didn't tell anyone his proposal plan. I was completely surprised, because he proposed in July, and I didn't think he'd have the money saved up for the ring until October!

I want to respond to the whole "asking for parental permission" thing. Five years ago, I would not have wanted that. In fact, I was in a serious relationship, and was very close to becoming engaged, against my parents' wishes. Fortunately, I saw that we were not at all on the same page when it came to some very major issues, so we broke up. It became very clear to me that my parents know me better than anyone else, they want what is best for me, and there was no way I could have a happy marriage with someone who didn't get along with my family!

I know that not all parents are as great as mine, but if they are, it makes sense to have their approval--it's easy to be so starry-eyed and "in love" that you miss red flags in the relationship that are obvious to your family and close friends. Also, I disagree with the statement that if you're of legal age, families shouldn't have much to do with it. America is probably the most individualistic society out there, but for many societies and cultures, there is no escaping family obligations and connections! I feel very fortunate that H comes from a family and cultural background with very similar values to my own family. Even if you marry someone who has no interest in maintaining close ties with his or her family, there is no escaping the influence a family has on one's development.

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