Moms and Maids

g

Re: g

  • No one pays for your wedding except you. All the wedding sites that say what the bride/groom's families "traditionally" pay for are part of the wedding industry that makes money on stuff like that. From an etiquette perspective, it's horribly rude to ask anyone to pay for your wedding.

    If they offer, great! If they don't, you host what you can afford. It sounds like your parents are hosting most of it and your FILs are offering the RD. That's more than most people get covered by their parents so I'd say you're in pretty good shape. DO NOT ask anyone for more money for anything. They've already generously given you more than they need to. 

    If your FMIL demands a full bar, then she needs to pay for it. If she just prefers it, then oh well. Remember this: no pay, no say. Whoever pays gets a say. If she's not paying, then whoever is hosting hosts what they want/can host (even if it's beer & wine). 

    Moral of the story, do not ask anyone for money. It's terribly rude and comes across as entitled. I'm sure you don't want to come off that way to your in laws. You pay for your wedding.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  •  

    Moral of the story, do not ask anyone for money.

    This.

    Officially hitched as of 10/25/13

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

     

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

     

     

  • Even if they explicitly offer?
  • Everything SoutherBelle said. The ONLY remotely appropriate way you can approach this is a conversation initatied by the in-laws (not you!) like this:

    FMIL: "I really would love to see a full open bar at the wedding."

    You: "We would too, we just don't have the budget for it."

    FMIL: "Oh, well H and I can take care of that for you" (in which case you graciously thank her for the offer) OR "Yes, I suppose that's true" (in which case you let it go and don't ask for money).

    image
  • drmrs2014 said:
    Even if they explicitly offer?
    If they say, "drmrs2014, I want to pay for your bouquet. Is that ok with you?"

    You can say, "yes, thank you. that would be lovely."

    They have not offered anything specific (except the rehearsal dinner), so don't ask. Follow PDKH's advice on how to approach the conversation IF they bring it up and offer.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    edited July 2013
    southernbelle0915 is right. You shouldn't ask your FILs to pay for stuff. If they make a specific offer, it's okay for you to accept. 

    Your Fi could let them know that your parents have offered a beer and wine bar and see where the conversation goes from there. His mom is free to say, "Oh that's so lovely of them," or "Dad and I would love to pay for a full open bar, if the bride's parents would allow it."

    Ignore the lists that divide the wedding expenses between the POB and the POG. The bride and groom are responsible for their wedding expenses. 
                
  • southernbelle0915 is right. You shouldn't ask your FILs to pay for stuff. If they make a specific offer, it's okay for you to accept. 

    Your Fi could let them know that your parents have offered a beer and wine bar and see where the conversation goes from there. His mom is free to say, "Oh that's so lovely of them," or "Dad and I would love to pay for a full open bar, if the bride's parents would allow it."

    Ignore the lists that divide the wedding expenses between the POB and the POG. The bride and groom are responsible for their wedding expenses. 
    The bolded is so true.  Remember that these lists are written by people part of the wedding industry.  They don't care about proper etiquette, social grace, or maintaining your relationships.  They only care about funneling more money into the wedding industry.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • NerdyLucyNerdyLucy
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    edited July 2013
    drmrs2014 said:
    Even if they explicitly offer?

    If they offer, then that is different than flat out asking for it. If they offer, you can accept, but it may come with strings.

    Officially hitched as of 10/25/13

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

     

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

     

     

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    Good point, NerdyLucy. For an example of the kinds of strings, see thread directly below this one.
                
  • I disagree here with the majority. I think that since they have expressed interest in helping pay there is a way to approach it. Since it is your FI's parents I would have him talk to his parents and say "I know you guys expressed interest in helping with the wedding, what were your plans?"

    As Addie said, it is just a follow up that the groom is doing with his parents.
    mrsbizzz[Deleted User]
  • AddieL73 said:
    I'm going to disagree a tad here. My father told me he would pay for my wedding. When it was time to start planning, I called him and said, "OK, I'm ready to plan. Let's talk budget." Since he had already told me he would be paying, I saw nothing wrong with following up on it. 

    I think since the groom's parents have already offered to contribute, HE should approach them and ask them how much they were planning on kicking in and go from there. 



    I agree with Addie. I think since they said "we are willing to be a financial resource" it sounds like they are waiting for you to let them know what you need.  Your groom can call them and say "we are knee deep in to planning and wanted to talk to you about budget and what you are willing to contribute". 
    mrsbizzzVen&Radio[Deleted User]
  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 Home of SB XLVIII Champs
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    My answer would be to discuss with them if in addition to the RD if there was anything they would care to contribute to.
    Anniversary
    image
  • Yes, this was my thinking. I interpreted what they said as, “We know you haven’t done a lot of planning and budgeting now, but we’re here for you financially so when you know what you need let us know and we’ll tell you what we can do.” I referenced the list of what the bride’s and groom’s family traditionally pay for as a jumping off point for what they might contribute if they desired, especially given that they believe in a very traditional wedding. Again, I’d like to reiterate that I’ve already budgeted for the wedding my parents and I can afford and nothing more. With or without their help, my fiancé and I are getting the wedding we want.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

     

    I don’t agree with the assertion that the “pay for” lists are a ploy by the wedding industry. It doesn’t matter who pays for, say, the bride’s bouquet – bride, groom, brides’ parents, grooms’ parents, extended family, etc. – it’s still going to be paid for. The industry doesn’t make more money by simple assigning an item that most people view as a basic component of a wedding to a specific person and calling that assignment tradition. No matter who pays, the money is getting spent and fueling the industry.

  • drmrs2014 said:

    Yes, this was my thinking. I interpreted what they said as, “We know you haven’t done a lot of planning and budgeting now, but we’re here for you financially so when you know what you need let us know and we’ll tell you what we can do.” I referenced the list of what the bride’s and groom’s family traditionally pay for as a jumping off point for what they might contribute if they desired, especially given that they believe in a very traditional wedding. Again, I’d like to reiterate that I’ve already budgeted for the wedding my parents and I can afford and nothing more. With or without their help, my fiancé and I are getting the wedding we want.

     

    I don’t agree with the assertion that the “pay for” lists are a ploy by the wedding industry. It doesn’t matter who pays for, say, the bride’s bouquet – bride, groom, brides’ parents, grooms’ parents, extended family, etc. – it’s still going to be paid for. The industry doesn’t make more money by simple assigning an item that most people view as a basic component of a wedding to a specific person and calling that assignment tradition. No matter who pays, the money is getting spent and fueling the industry.

    Not true at all.  There are plenty of couples that don't have certain elements/items at their wedding because they can't afford it.  If the industry can convince the couple that they just have to tell someone else that it is THEIR responsibility to purchase those items, then money gets spent that wouldn't have if the couple didn't ask so-and-so to buy flowers.  Also, as more people that chip in money for the wedding, the bigger the budget gets.  The industry likes bigger budgets.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    Blue_Bird
  • fyrefly76 said:
    I'm not having bouquets, boutanierres, a wedding cake, bridemaid dresses, tuxes or rented suits, maybe not even a wedding dress.  So, no, my budget will not be "fueling the industry."  But some people hear that I'm not having any of those things and they say, "No, you HAVE to have those things or it isn't a wedding" and I simply don't agree.
    Exactly.  The wedding industry likes to tell people that they "have" to have things at weddings, when the only thing you really have to have are: the two people joining in marriage, an officiant, two witnesses and a marriage license.  

    There are a few things that we have already had people offer to pay for that we had no intention of having and would not be having if they didn't offer to pay for them.  Floral centerpieces are the big one that comes to mind.  
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited July 2013
    Ditto PPs about the wedding industry. Lists of things that exist and who pays for them does feed the industry b/c the only things you NEED for a wedding are a bride, groom, and an officiant/witness/license. So no, all those things are not necessarily going to be bought regardless of who pays for them. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    Blue_Bird
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards