Fake wedding

wiki8 · July 2013

So I had posted last month about going to my friend's (one year later) engagement party, and then making the observation they were wearing wedding bands. Turned out they were secretly married two days earlier. They still haven't told anyone. They don't plan to. They want to have a big wedding next year as planned.

She's been starting to plan a big Disney destination wedding for next year. She had originally asked me to be a bridesmaids last year when she got engaged. When she told me her new plan I might have said something along the lines of "you want us all to fly down to Disney for you to fake a wedding ceremony?"

Probably not the nicest way to phrase it, but it happened so there is no taking it back now. She thinks I'm not being supportive and won't want to go along with all the pre-wedding party planning and helping out. She updated her wedding website and replaced me as a bridesmaid.

I'm not even upset. I could honestly care less about being in her "wedding" and didn't want to dish out a bunch of money for a shower and travel expenses when it's a big hoax. Honestly with the crazy train she boarded I do not see our friendship continuing anyway. I'm just regretting the heck out of sending her a STD.

monkeysip · July 2013

Well, honestly, if the friendship is truly over, then I wouldn't worry about sending her an invitation (Yes, I know that's not proper etiquette, but if the friendship is over, I don't see the need of standing on ceremony).

If the friendship isn't officially over, send her one, and maybe she'll either be cool and come, or not care because "zomg you didn't support her", and you just saved money on her meal.

But yeah, she sounds like a real classy broad. Glad she still gets to have her magical disney "wedding" where all her dreams will come true! I'd be tempted to spill the beans about her marriage to anyone not bright enough to have caught on yet.

wiki8 · July 2013

@kindasparkly I think everyone just assumes she's crazy and is wearing them for fun. It would be a solid guess.

@monkeysip yeah if we're never going to be speaking again I really don't feel like sending her one. I know it's proper etiquette to, so being an etiquette stickler I know I should. But I really doubt we are coming back from this. She got some minions to fawn over her PPD, which is all she wanted me there for anyway.

I wish I had the balls to spill the beans about her being married. I don't think I could pull it off.

misssunshine17 · July 2013

Wow, that's too bad. She sounds crazypants and I would also let the relationship fizzle. Weddings show a great deal about people's character and right now, she's giving you a clear view.

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

Another vote for not inviting her. I know it goes against etiquette but from the sounds of things you never want to see her again. It would be wrong to send an STD and not an invite, but still be sweet as pie and act like everything was right with the world. You're not doing that.

NYCBruin · July 2013

Ugh. Tacky, tacky, tacky.

If you do end up sending her an invitation, I would address it to her married name!

nebullama · July 2013

Ordinarily I would encourage you to not let another person's utter and total lack of respect cause you to abandon good manners, but I don't know, for this I might make an exception.

wiki8 · July 2013

@misssunshine17 definitely crazy. I probably could have guessed this would happen.

@bubbles2014 definitely not acting sweet as pie! I don't plan on reaching out or making contact at all.

@nebullama I feel the same way. I want to follow the etiquette but I just don't even feel like inviting her and have it look like I'm extending an olive branch.

@nycbruin addressing it to their married name would be awesome, seeing they live with his mom.

@glassbutton if that's your opinion that's fine. But no, I never said they announced on Facebook. She only told me and the MOH, no one else knows. I had written about some Facebook drama, but it was completely unrelated. I am sure we both feel as if the other party is in the wrong, and I am sure she doesn't want to attend my wedding after "the way I acted." I probably could have just said I could no longer be a part of her wedding and possibly save the friendship, but I really didn't see the point.

annathy03 · July 2013

Ugh, how tacky! I don't mind "celebration" parties after the fact if the couple is up front, but to lie to everyone and fake a ceremony bridal party and all? In the gentlest words I can think of, fuck that.

wiki8 · July 2013

@annathy03 oh yeah, she wants a shower and registry and all that good stuff, which is why she's lying about being married already. She just wants to cash in. Originally she wanted to host a pot luck reception. When she realized people weren't going to bring her food and gifts she cancelled the wedding and hosted the e party instead.

NYCBruin · July 2013

GlassButton said:

I know I'm going to be flamed for this and I'm probably reading this wrong, but so what? I doubt she plans to attend your wedding after the way you behaved with her (yeah it's a PPD and against etiquette but she feels like everything you said in your post). I think it's pretty clear when she replaced you and didn't tell you. You can send the invite but I really do doubt she'll go. As for the comment about spilling the beans. I find no point in this, if I knew someone irl that did this I'd think less of them. Why? Because I find it ruder when people go around talking about an ex-friend. It's not right to lie about your martial statues but if you feel the need to I'm not going to judge. I know, weird. Finally, isn't this the same person you wrote about how they made a Facebook post? So doesn't everyone already know? I'm confused because of this: Turned out they were secretly married two days earlier. They still haven't told anyone. They don't plan to. They want to have a big wedding next year as planned.

I agree with the bolded. I don't think it's right to go around and purposefully "spilling the beans." I also don't think PP would actually do this, just something to fantasize about.

However, I don't think there is anything wrong with just telling the people the truth if it comes up organically. There's no need to lie for the couple.

Example:

Friend "Oh are you going to Princess's wedding in Disney"

Wiki "No"

Friend "Oh, why not?"

Wiki "Well, it turns out their already married. I don't want to travel to see a fake wedding."

wiki8 · July 2013

@nycbruin nope I definitely would never purposefully blow up their secret. Fun to fantasize about but that's it. Thought sending the invite in their married name does seem tempting. (If I send them one.)

NYCBruin · July 2013

wiki8 said:

@nycbruin nope I definitely would never purposefully blow up their secret. Fun to fantasize about but that's it. Thought sending the invite in their married name does seem tempting. (If I send them one.)

Oh I was totally serious about that. Since they are the only ones who would see it, it's not a public spilling the beans, more like a private "I know your secret. Shame on you. I judge your lies."

blueobsidian · July 2013

GlassButton said:

It's not right to lie about your martial statues but if you feel the need to I'm not going to judge. I know, weird.

See, I'm not sure I get this part. I judge the hell of of liars, especially those who are only lying so that they can get presents and dress up like a princess. There is no reason to lie about your marital status, especially to people who are supposed to be your friends and family.

wiki8 · July 2013

@nycbruin Haha they live with his mom right now though, so it would essentially be me outing them to his family. Maybe that's not nice..

@glassbutton yupp that definitely wasn't me!! It's alright.

wiki8 · July 2013

@blueobsidian I completely agree. 100%. There isn't even a pathetic excuse as to why they needed to elope. At least when people think they are a special snowflake I know it makes sense in their delusional world. She cancelled her original wedding plan when she realized she wouldn't be getting gifts at a pot luck reception. She decided to still get married as plan but just not tell anyone. She described it as "no big deal, just another day" and said they are still having a "big princess wedding" next year. And now that it's destination they can invite a bunch of people but those who can't make it will still send them gifts. Nice try but no.

NYCBruin · July 2013

Eh I think since the bride is pretending that she isn't married, addressing the invitation serves as a reminder that Wiki knows she is married and refuses to play into the farce that she is getting married next year (since you can't get married if you're already married). I doubt the bride would find it funny. Although who knows what the bride would think, it's hard to predict the behavior of crazy people.

NYCBruin · July 2013

GlassButton said:

Eh I think since the bride is pretending that she isn't married, addressing the invitation serves as a reminder that Wiki knows she is married and refuses to play into the farce that she is getting married next year (since you can't get married if you're already married). I doubt the bride would find it funny. Although who knows what the bride would think, it's hard to predict the behavior of crazy people.
She may not find it funny but I don't think she'll think much if it IMO. I'm pretty sure when she talks to wiki she knows that she knows, so the reminder is just silly. Was it suppose to have a "I know what you did last summer" effect?

I guess I don't see why she shouldn't address it to her married name. I mean she is married. The effect is that it would give the sender the pleasure of properly addressing her.

GlassButton said:

GlassButton said:

It's not right to lie about your martial statues but if you feel the need to I'm not going to judge. I know, weird.

See, I'm not sure I get this part. I judge the hell of of liars, especially those who are only lying so that they can get presents and dress up like a princess. There is no reason to lie about your marital status, especially to people who are supposed to be your friends and family.
In this case that may be it, but in others it might be another reason. There's always at least three perspectives to each story. Besides if someone is desperate enough to lie about it for gifts, why judge? I'd give them $100 and call it a day. They obviously need it if they're willing to do all that. ETA: the quote some how came out really wrong. If anyone knows how to fix it please feel free to tell me how.

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who felt that it was ok to lie to her nearest and dearest to get gifts. I REALLY wouldn't want to give that person any of my hard earned money.

Also, I think it's a totally incorrect assumption to state that someone "needs" the gift money if they are "desperate" enough to have a PPD. Obviously in this case, they don't "need" the money seeing as they can afford an expensive trip to Disney. I would guess most people that have PPDs don't "need" the money either. If you can afford to throw yourself a fake party, you sorta forfeit the right to claim that you "need" gifts.

nebullama · July 2013

GlassButton said:

Besides if someone is desperate enough to lie about it for gifts, why judge? I'd give them $100 and call it a day. They obviously need it if they're willing to do all that.

If they were really hoping (or desperate) for gifts to help get them started in their married life then why, for heaven's sake WHY, did they not just wait to get married in Disney instead of putting on this farce?

NOLAbridealmost · July 2013

Well....it takes cajones to call someone out on their PPD, so I'll give ya that, Wiki.

I think it would be hypocritical not to send her an invitation after sending an STD after basically giving her the etiquette scolding that she deserved. Regardless of any future your relationship may or may not have, don't give her any ammunition to say you're rude by not inviting her. She'll probably decline.

I just think you have to walk the walk if you're going to say something so brazen to someone else about their own etiquette faux-pas.

crunchymamaof2 · July 2013

NOLAbridealmost said:

Well....it takes cajones to call someone out on their PPD, so I'll give ya that, Wiki.

I think it would be hypocritical not to send her an invitation after sending an STD after basically giving her the etiquette scolding that she deserved. Regardless of any future your relationship may or may not have, don't give her any ammunition to say you're rude by not inviting her. She'll probably decline.

I just think you have to walk the walk if you're going to say something so brazen to someone else about their own etiquette faux-pas.

I agree. Don't fuel her fire. It's not worth the $1 or $2 it cost for that one invite. She'll probably trash it and bitch about how you had the balls to dare to send her an invite but who cares. You come out the bigger person. But you should definitely address it to her married name like PP said!

Maybe she'll turn into the pumpkin she truly is once midnight hits at her big dream Disney wedding. Then everyone can see her true colors. Too bad they're wasting all that money though.

BMoreBride6 · July 2013

GlassButton said:

@NYCBruin I get the invite should be sent in her married name, I just don't think her friend will really care. As for them being desperate, it doesn't always mean for money. It could be attention. Besides $100 isn't that much to me. @nebullama I'll just repeat what I told NYCBruin, being desperate doesn't always mean for money. It could be attention. Besides $100 isn't much to me.

Good for you, but even though $100 wouldn't make or break me, I wouldn't want to give it to someone to honor something I don't agree with.

manateehugger · July 2013

Yeah, this is pathetic and shameful -the engagement party is ridiculous.

My FI and I recently got lied to about a PPD that we were a GM and BM for. She had a shower I helped host while she was already secretly married. We found out they had been married two weeks after the wedding. They asked us not to tell anyone else.

We've decided we won't allow them to make liars out of us, but we won't run around announcing it either. If they want to lie to their closest friends and family, that's on their conscious. However, I will say that they will still be invited to our wedding.

There's no way I would send a gift. I wouldn't reward their dishonesty.

Ajuliana · July 2013

I wish my family would get this is an etiquette fail...my little miss perfect cousin eloped, and then my grandma threw her a shower before her re-do which included the gown, first dance, cake, etc. Some people will always think their situation is special.

RebeccaB88 · July 2013

You really only need to spill the beans to one person with a really big mouth. Then the problem takes care of itself.

And if someone mentions it, I probably wouldn't lie about it myself and say I didn't know they were already married. I'm only responsible for the truth or lies that come out of my mouth, not anyone else's.

ceceibson · July 2013

I would send her an invitation, simply to take the high road, etiquette-wise.

And, honestly, while I wouldn't publicly call this couple out, if a friend told me they were making arrangements to go to this Disney "wedding", I think I would tell them the truth about what's going on. I would be mad as hell if I spent good money attending a "wedding" of someone who's already married and madder still if a friend of mine knew the truth and didn't tell me.

wiki8 · July 2013

I agree with @bmorebride6 and @pdkh, even if $100 isn't a huge amount to some, I wouldn't spend it on people who are lying to everyone.

@liatris2010 I agree my wording definitely could have been nicer. I could have said flying down to Disney isn't in the budget, I can't get out of work, and therefore have to take myself out of the wedding. I'm sure it wouldn't have turned into this friendship ending fight. But honestly, it was a long time coming and I'm kind of relieved to be done with it.

I think a little piece of me would still feel bad for sending an STD and not an invite. I don't want anyone to have a reason to say I did anything wrong. But addressing it to her married name and hoping his family gets the mail that day kind of makes it worth it. I do really doubt she will go.

AlexisA01 · July 2013

I wouldn't send a gift .

kmmssg · July 2013

ceceibson said:

I would send her an invitation, simply to take the high road, etiquette-wise.

And, honestly, while I wouldn't publicly call this couple out, if a friend told me they were making arrangements to go to this Disney "wedding", I think I would tell them the truth about what's going on. I would be mad as hell if I spent good money attending a "wedding" of someone who's already married and madder still if a friend of mine knew the truth and didn't tell me.

I have been thinking this ever since this thread started!

wiki8 · July 2013

@kmmssg and @ceceibson good to know! If anyone happens to mention it to me, I'll just play dumb. "What? But I though they were already married?" To be fair the bride didn't say don't tell anyone she only said they weren't telling anyone.

I doubt it will come up though. Majority of the common friends we had have already stopped talking to her. The only one left is her MOH who is a BM in my wedding. She has two small kids and a not working husband, so she isn't thrilled about the cost of the Disney plan either.

NYCBruin · July 2013

StageManager14 said:

Do we know for a fact that she HAS a "married name"? People keep talking about it like it's a foregone conclusion that she is changing her name. Did I miss that info somewhere?

Sorry for starting this train wreck. What started as mostly an off-handed comment grew into something more when disagreeing with glassbutton about how PPDs aren't a big deal to her.

Wiki never mentioned whether she had changed her name or not or is planning to. I know I shouldn't assume that the default is that the woman will change her last name. But I did and I shouldn't have.

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