my wedding... sure it's a free-for-all!!!!!

chelcya · July 2013

So I'm down to 26 days. Missing quite a few RSVPs but have gotten back many with extra people listed to come! Most extras are from my hubby to be's family. Per advice on here and friends, I've asked him to call the people and communicate the fact that we can't accommodate those that weren't invited. He's made a couple of calls, but it hesitant to call some of them. The worst of them all came from his late mother's cousin. We addressed the invite to Mr and Mrs. All of their children are grown & out the house, married, kids, etc... wouldn't you know, the RSVP came back for 11 people! I'm assuming that it is their kids, kids' spouses, grandkids (neighbors?) but not sure. My FI is worried that if we try to call them regarding their list, it will cause irreparable damage to our relationship with these people. For the record, our relationship wiith them has consisted of open houses, baby showers, and the occasional casual wedding. Our wedding is not casual. We had to keep an intimate list for costs and our personal preferences. I just don't know what to do. You shouldn't have lose-lose scenarios for you concerning your wedding.... right? Help!!!

misssunshine17 · July 2013

It may very well cause damage to the relationship because they probably don't see that what they are doing is very rude. I would make no exceptions since others will find out. Call all the people who added and explain that you're unable to invite everyone and the invite was only for x, y & z. Don't make excuses since some crazies will offer to cover their plate.

Lose-lose scenarios are a part of life, I would try to get used to it. You wedding is definitely not going to stop that from happening.

astimmel · July 2013

If I got an RSVP back for 11 people I would go BSC. If someone added 2 or 3 extra people who weren't on the invite, I think that's a pretty standard transgression. But 11 people is so far out of line that I think it's ok if you made the phone call yourself, since your FI is uncomfortable with approaching these particular family members. That's just...wow...11??? Seriously???

chelcya · July 2013

Yeah.. I had to do a double take!! Plus, our venue charges differently for 12 & under, babies are free, etc. So it's imperative to know who your guests are!!

HisGirlFriday13 · July 2013

I'm with PPs. It's going to cause hurt feelings, but if you don't put your foot down now, it's only going to get worse. Plus, what they did is so far beyond the pale of rude, I don't even know what to say. I'd just be livid.

That said, I think *YOU* can call and say, "I'm sorry, Aunt Mildred. The invitation was for you and Uncle Fred only. Will you be attending?" If she says, "Well, we won't come if our children/grandchildren/neighbours/dog-sitters can't come!," then you say, "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. We'll miss you!" Call her bluff.

I know we often recommend that people deal with their own families, I don't think there's any harm in cross-training. After the wedding, these people will be your family, too, afterall!

Also, true story: Just today, FI's grandmother, whom I already don't like for many reasons (the latest of which, see here <-- clicky), took me to task for inviting a far-away relative whom she doesn't like to the wedding.

She said, 'I don't see why you invited her! I don't like her and she lives far away!"

I said, 'We weren't GOING to invite her until YOU invited her to the bridal shower and then we HAD to invite her. Don't put this on me.'

She said, 'Oh.'

FI wasn't even part of the conversation; I just handled it.

rel1988 · July 2013

11 extra people is pretty ridiculous. At that point I would firmly lay your foot down. Don't worry about appearing "rude" by not allowing the extra 9 guests...they clearly didn't worry about looking rude to you.

AddieCake · July 2013

I want to know why, if he thinks this phone call will cause irreparable damage, he didn't think they needed to be on the invitation list in the first place.

chelcya · July 2013

They're not an Aunt and Uncle, one is the 2nd cousin to the groom then it's her husband, kids, grandkids, etc (I think?). My FI thinks that they just are assuming we invited their whole family, though it was only addressed to Mr and Mrs and all of their kids are out of the nest. Most weddings in his family are very casual and not stringent on # of guests. I think we are paying the consequences of having a fancy wedding.

AddieCake · July 2013

Yes, I meant it how Stage explained it. I also agree with Lia. The person doing the adding was rude, and if your fiance is worried it is going to be so damaging to call and clarify, then this is not a person I would want in my life anyway. YOU didn't do anything wrong and WON'T be doing anything wrong by calling. This family member is the one who did something wrong, so if they would be the type to "punish" you guys for THEIR rudeness, "ain't nobody got time for that!"

harper0813 · July 2013

Liatris2010 said:

chelcya said:

They're not an Aunt and Uncle, one is the 2nd cousin to the groom then it's her husband, kids, grandkids, etc (I think?). My FI thinks that they just are assuming we invited their whole family, though it was only addressed to Mr and Mrs and all of their kids are out of the nest. Most weddings in his family are very casual and not stringent on # of guests. I think we are paying the consequences of having a fancy wedding.

Either way, if the second cousin considers being told, "No, you can't bring 9 uninvited guests to our wedding" a relationship-damaging call, then I don't think it is a relationship worth having. The cousin was wrong to include those people on her response, and it is perfectly fine to call her up, apologize for the "misunderstanding" and make it clear the invitation was for her and her husband only.

***

This. If they can't digest the fact that they aren't permitted to add 9 people to someone else's guest list, which is potentially an extra THOUSAND dollars, why would your fiancé even be concerned with preserving a relationship with such rude people?

RamonaFlowers · July 2013

I can't even fathom somebody adding NINE extra people to an RSVP. A single person trying to give themselves a +1, yes, a couple trying to weazel their uninvited 5-year-old, okay....but a couple tacking on NINE more people? That takes some giant cajones.

I don't know what you're paying per plate, but I can tell you at my wedding, an extra 9 people could have set me back an extra $1,000-which I most certainly couldn't have afforded.

Tell your FI that the money is simply not there to just eat someone else's rudeness, no matter what your relationship with them is, and if he doesn't call these people to get it straightened out by the time you go to bed tonight, you're going to do it yourself first thing tomorrow, because these 9 extra people are NOT coming.

my wedding... sure it's a free-for-all!!!!!

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