Should I Change Pastors?

askmrt314 · July 2013

I'm getting married in March of next year. I've asked my former pastor, who's known me since I was 5, to marry us. However, I'm running into problems with him. The biggest issue is that trying to set up a time to meet with him is like trying to pulling teeth--I've contacted him three times telling him when I would be free to meet, and each time he's said he'd get back to me but never did (strike one), My fiance has met this pastor once before at a friend's wedding. I had told my fiance I wanted to have the pastor do the ceremony, and my fiance had said ok at the time, but he recently told me he doesn't like the pastor because the pastor had something to offend him the one time they met. Plus, he's offended one of my potential guests to the point where she won't come to my wedding if he's performing the ceremony (strike two). Lastly, he's been posting things on Facebook that have upset my mother, and now she doesn't want him doing the wedding anymore.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm not entirely comfortable having him do the ceremony anymore since he's been so difficult to work with and become so controversial. Can/should I change pastors at this point? If so, what's the best way to go about it?

manateehugger · July 2013

askmrt314 said:

I'm getting married in March of next year. I've asked my former pastor, who's known me since I was 5, to marry us. However, I'm running into problems with him. The biggest issue is that trying to set up a time to meet with him is like trying to pulling teeth--I've contacted him three times telling him when I would be free to meet, and each time he's said he'd get back to me but never did (strike one), My fiance has met this pastor once before at a friend's wedding. I had told my fiance I wanted to have the pastor do the ceremony, and my fiance had said ok at the time, but he recently told me he doesn't like the pastor because the pastor had something to offend him the one time they met. Plus, he's offended one of my potential guests to the point where she won't come to my wedding if he's performing the ceremony (strike two). Lastly, he's been using Facebook lately to express his interest in male bondage and declaring himself a "bear" (while he's never been the most traditional of pastors, this is news to us, especially since he's married with 3 kids). While I'm not that freaked out about it, my mother is, and she doesn't want him doing the wedding anymore.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm not entirely comfortable having him do the ceremony anymore since he's been so difficult to work with and become so controversial. Can/should I change pastors at this point? If so, what's the best way to go about it?

I was about to say "Leave him alone. Your wedding isn't for 8 months" until I kept reading.

If you and your FI aren't comfortable being around this man, you absolutely should not ask him to marry you. Is he the pastor at your church? Or did you contact him to do a ceremony for you outside the church? Do you have a "contract" with him?

QueerFemme · July 2013

MUD

manateehugger · July 2013

QueerFemme said:

MUD

Probably haha.

QueerFemme · July 2013

PDKH said:

show previous quotes

QueerFemme said:

MUD
Probably haha.

Just joined today and this is the first post? I'm not buying it.

askmrt314 · July 2013

No, we don't have a contract with him. He was the pastor of my former church--the church was shut down due to financial reasons, and I'm attending a new church now. The ceremony itself will be performed at our reception hall.

Bizarre as it might be, this is legit.

BMoreBride6 · July 2013

this has to be a joke...

astimmel · July 2013

Ok, I'll trust that this is real. How many times has he posted stuff like that on FB? One thought is that he could have left his account open and someone wrote that stuff as a joke. If you think that's a possibility, I would ask him about it, personally. Because otherwise if my PASTOR talked like that I would be running as far away as possible. It doesn't matter what his sexual preference is,but if his FB posts are legit, and he's married with kids, he's condoning infidelity and that's not the kind of person I would want to perform a marriage.

But like other PPs said, you have plenty of time to decide.

Cheetah2B · July 2013

I would change. Although morbid curiosity is asking wth he's posting on Facebook.

I'm not religious, but I'm realistic. And I know it's your former church, but I'd have nothing to do with a pastor of a church that broke down due to financial reasons. Why?! Bc you can hold service in schools, living rooms, parks. That's just my opinion. The flakiness isn't helping his cause, but at same time, if he offended fh x time ago, and fh can't/won't say what it is, or can't remember, it's not important and I'd be moving on.

But pp's are right, you have to be comfortable with ALL vendors and he is technically a vendor. Have you paid him yet?

Xstatic3333 · July 2013

I just read the edited version and was super confused why you all thought it was MUD until I saw the quotes.

OP, I think the fact that your FI is uncomfortable with him is enough reason to switch. I think the officiant is one area you need to be in total agreement on. Politely tell him your plans have changed, but don't ask for any deposits back (if they have been given).

LAM524 · July 2013

Honestly, it seems that their is nothing to change but your mind. You havent meet with him so there is nothing set in stone. Even if there were, you have every right to change your mind, no matter the reasons.

I agree with pp's. If he has offended you, (by ignoring you) FI & your mom...its really a no brainer. In the least, I wouldnt take the chance that he could offend your guests. Don't stress about it, change your mind, you have good reasons. If he should contact you just tell him that when you didnt hear back from him, you assumed he was unavailable and secured another officiant.

kerbohl · July 2013

I'm going to disagree on the grounds that I don't know how he offended your FI. My FI's pastor has upset me. But he is important to my FI, and so I have gritted my teeth and while he is not marrying us, he is the pastor at our wedding (he will be giving the sermon, blessing, opening words etc . . .) What he did to upset me was annoying but not horrifying or offensive, and it would be much worse for my wedding if I refused to have him involved in the ceremony, because my FI would be upset. Besides, FI has already agreed that we will not be attending that church after we are married, so he backs me up on that, so I am more willing to let him have his own pastor involved in the wedding despite everything. It depends how important this pastor is to you (though by the sounds of it, he is not very important anymore) and how serious the offense to your FI was. Did he jokingly say something mildly insulting? Or did he start spewing homophobic remarks? There's a difference.

kmmssg · July 2013

Cheetah2B said:

I would change. Although morbid curiosity is asking wth he's posting on Facebook. I'm not religious, but I'm realistic. And I know it's your former church, but I'd have nothing to do with a pastor of a church that broke down due to financial reasons. Why?! Bc you can hold service in schools, living rooms, parks. That's just my opinion. The flakiness isn't helping his cause, but at same time, if he offended fh x time ago, and fh can't/won't say what it is, or can't remember, it's not important and I'd be moving on. But pp's are right, you have to be comfortable with ALL vendors and he is technically a vendor. Have you paid him yet?

I don't think that is a fair statement. A church's financial health doesn't solely rest on the Pastor. If the member's don't tithe, bills don't get paid. If the area is quite depressed it isn't uncommon for churches to close or consolidate with others. Yeah, you can have services in other places but bills still have to be paid and Pastor's need things like insurance for when their kid breaks his arm and a paycheck to cover taking care of their family. A lot of churches don't offer a parsonage anymore. I live in a smaller town that really isn't depressed, but we just had a church close its doors after more than 125 years because the congregation dwindled to the point of not being able to cover the bills. People don't attend church and tithe like they used to. That church had a great Pastor who was really loved, but they just didn't have the money to keep the doors open. He was not the cause of the financial breakdown.

OP - why DO you want this guy again? After everything you have said I can't imagine why you would pursue having him perform your ceremony.

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