Kids or no kids?

[Deleted User] · July 2013

I think you have to do what's right for your wedding. For most people, to expect them to travel for a weekend and leave their kids at home while they attend a family event, itsn't really realistic. Most local parents will have sitter options unless their sitters will also be at the wedding.

We had OOT kids included, nieces & nephews (ranging in age from 4 months to 25 years old) and the kids of the bridal party (ranging in ages 14-21). We only had one local family fun into a sitter issue & they brought their kids, it was fine.

StephJean83 · July 2013

PrimRoseMama said:
No no no. Its an all or nothing thing. If you want your wedding to be child free then do that. If you allow kids then allow ALL kids. It looks like you are playing favorites and those that have to shell out for childcare (its not cheap yo) to attend your wedding will see children and be confused. I'd be pissed that I paid for my sitter if I didn't have to. Now, I like getting a sitter to go to an adult event every now and then, but I would miffed that I was selectively chosen because I was local.

I will gladly get a sitter but if Little Johnny from Aunt Clara is ruining my adult evening (that I have now effectively paid for because I got a sitter for my little precious) then I will be pissed off. The only difference is that Aunt Clara is from Jersey then I would be pissed off. I'm paying for child care to be child free for the night and I thought that is what the invitation specified. So, why is Little Johnny here?

Usually, if I can't afford child care or don't want to then I RSVP no. However, if I RSVP yes and make arrangements then I expect everyone with kids to do the same. Period.

I'm sorry but kids aren't an all or nothing thing with weddings. For me, I am picking and choosing what kids are coming because our guest list already massive that adding kids for non family or WP, would add another 50+ people. If Sally is mad that my nieces are there and her little Johnny isn't, too bad. We aren't even extending the invite to our OOT guests because almost our entire guest list has to travel and is OOT.

I also am picking and choosing what aunts and uncles of mine will be invited and as of right now no one from my dad's side of the family made the list. My FH is inviting everyone in his family out to his mom's cousins' kids or WW3 would happen. Would I rather cut the list down a bit and not invite them all? Yes but I also don't want to start my married life in a huge family battle.

wrigleyville · July 2013

hordol said:

This is exactly how I feel. I don't understand why children are treated like objects by some people. Children are people. People are not all or nothing. I know many people who don't think that way, and some people might assume that you only invited kids to be accommodating, but for our wedding we invited the children we were close to and not the ones we weren't. All or none definitely makes it easier to explain to guests, but I don't think the bride and groom should always have to explain why they invited some people but not others. (also, notice I say people...not specifically children or otherwise.) I think by thinking children need to be all or none it sounds like you don't respect the children as guests themselves, but more like the accessories of the people you do consider to be guests.

Precisely. We invited our three nieces, but that's it. Our friends' children were not invited because we wanted a small wedding.

PrimRoseMama · July 2013

eh, I see the distinction (the person that asked). I just think its crappy to invite some kids and not others. I would be annoyed that I was asked to get child care and others were not. That is my issue. I'm not saying you have to invite my kids, but it looks kind of odd to have some kids there and ask others not to bring theirs. It looks weird and feels awkward.

Eh, I think its all or nothing thing. Others disagree. It will be remembered though, I promise.

PrimRoseMama · July 2013

And yes, I'm paying for my kids to be taken care of by someone else. I definitely think if I have to get childcare that others should too. That's how I feel. I'd love to know why my kid is not a special snowflake and the bride didn't think she is cool enough to invite? Because that is the slippery slope there. People will wonder why their well-behaved precious is not cool enough to merit an invite but someone else's kid is. It can create some serious tension. FWIW, my daughter is considerably more well behaved than some of the adults that get ripped at weddings and act stupid. I mean, it just has the potential to cause tension is all I'm saying.

Jen4948 · July 2013

PrimRoseMama said:

And yes, I'm paying for my kids to be taken care of by someone else. I definitely think if I have to get childcare that others should too. That's how I feel. I'd love to know why my kid is not a special snowflake and the bride didn't think she is cool enough to invite? Because that is the slippery slope there. People will wonder why their well-behaved precious is not cool enough to merit an invite but someone else's kid is. It can create some serious tension. FWIW, my daughter is considerably more well behaved than some of the adults that get ripped at weddings and act stupid. I mean, it just has the potential to cause tension is all I'm saying.

All tension resulting from any decision not to invite children is the result of the guests' potential pissiness that their kids were not invited-not any action or inaction on the part of not only the bride, but the groom and any other hosts. The bride alone doesn't make the decision that kids are or aren't invited.

NYCBruin · July 2013

PrimRoseMama said:

And yes, I'm paying for my kids to be taken care of by someone else. I definitely think if I have to get childcare that others should too. That's how I feel. I'd love to know why my kid is not a special snowflake and the bride didn't think she is cool enough to invite? Because that is the slippery slope there. People will wonder why their well-behaved precious is not cool enough to merit an invite but someone else's kid is. It can create some serious tension. FWIW, my daughter is considerably more well behaved than some of the adults that get ripped at weddings and act stupid. I mean, it just has the potential to cause tension is all I'm saying.

But you aren't entitled to an explanation or justification as to why your child wasn't invited any more than my friend/neighbor/coworker/relative who was left off the guest list is.

Or are you jashley and think that everyone deserves an explanation for why they weren't invited?

That would clear a lot up.

ETA if you don't want to pay for child care, then decline the invitation and don't pay for child care.

banana468 · July 2013

Of course kids aren't an all or nothing group. Our cousin's children are family and we are close to them. We aren't close to the children of our friends so they weren't invited. It wasn't a big deal and I had no problem saying that's where the line was drawn if anyone asked.

StephJean83 · July 2013

PrimRoseMama said:
eh, I see the distinction (the person that asked). I just think its crappy to invite some kids and not others. I would be annoyed that I was asked to get child care and others were not. That is my issue. I'm not saying you have to invite my kids, but it looks kind of odd to have some kids there and ask others not to bring theirs. It looks weird and feels awkward.

Eh, I think its all or nothing thing. Others disagree. It will be remembered though, I promise.

Since my FH was in a fraternity in college does that mean we have to invite everyone from the house at the same time as him? Or it ok to invite the guys he is close too and exclude those he isn't? That's the same with kids. The couple gets to pick a choose who they invite, adult and children alike.

PrimRoseMama · July 2013

NYCBruin said:
But you aren't entitled to an explanation or justification as to why your child wasn't invited any more than my friend/neighbor/coworker/relative who was left off the guest list is.
Or are you jashley and think that everyone deserves an explanation for why they weren't invited?
That would clear a lot up.

ETA if you don't want to pay for child care, then decline the invitation and don't pay for child care.

LOL just LOL. Wait wait, take a second and read what I wrote. I did not say anywhere in my response that I expected an explanation. I merely saying that it might make the guests wonder about why some children are special enough to be included and others are not. Some consider their children a part of their family (no different from a spouse which is normally included). So, excluding part of their family is generally in bad taste, right? I'm just playing Devil's Advocate here.

Personally, if I am told on the invitation or otherwise that the wedding will be child free then I kind of expect it to be child free, you know? If I show up and there are a bunch of kids there then it is going to leave a bad taste in my mouth as a guest. I will kind of feel lied to. That's what I'm saying.

Definitely, if I don't have the means or feel like paying for child care then I will definitely decline the invitation. I value the nights I can get out without the kids and just have a nice time at a wedding with my husband. That is why it would irk me to have Little Johnny from Aunt Clara from out of town zipping around the cake and throwing a tantrum at the reception. I know kids will be kids, but I feel like I got child care to avoid such an incident (because toddlers are unpredictable). I was asked to do so by the bride and so I did it. I am not sure why Little Johnny gets preference (in the OP's situation) just because he's coming from Jersey. That is all I'm saying. If I can get child care to avoid disturbances from a toddler meltdown then I am not entirely sure why someone from out of state cannot.

If its the case of someone inviting me that doesn't know me well enough to invite my entire family then why are they inviting me to their wedding in the first place? I wouldn't ask someone to come without their spouse, and I wouldn't normally ask someone with small children to leave their kids at home. That is how I roll. Obviously, other people have different ways of thinking. That's cool.

No one owes me an explanation and I'm never crass enough to ask. That doesn't stop me from wondering and I promise that doesn't stop other guests from wondering the same if they shelled out the dough too. No, its not a requirement to accept the invitation, but if you do it and then see a bunch of kids there it is going to feel kind of awkward/unpleasant is all I'm saying. Would I get butthurt and sever a friendship over it? Absolutely not. It would bug me and I would move on.

Though its pretty funny that you are trying to imply that I think someone owes me an explanation. No one owes me anything. I'm a grown adult.

PrimRoseMama · July 2013

"And what if my wedding ISN'T child free but I simply don't want YOUR kids there? That's the point people are trying to make. I may find someone else's children to be strangers or simply obnoxious and have every right to invite the parents without them. I can do this despite my wedding being open to other kids. The hosts of a wedding have a right to make that distinction without guests getting butthurt about it."

Oh well if you don't invite my kids then I don't care. My issue is being asked to get child care (on the invitation or from the bride or groom) because the wedding is supposedly child free when it is actually not when I get there.

You make whatever distinctions you want at your wedding. Its your event and you are hosting it. However, its kind of funny to try to tell people how to feel about anything at your wedding. You can't really dictate how others are supposed to feel. If someone gets upset about their kids not being included then that is their right as well. Me personally, I don't care, but others might find it to be a personal insult that you aren't including all of their family in your invitation. That is their right to their feelings. Some feel that it is the same as excluding a spouse. You might find their spouse annoying, or a stranger, but you normally wouldn't exclude them from the invitation right? Yeah, because its rude to do that.

This issue can polarize a family, and alienate friends. Its a big deal to some people. That doesn't mean the feelings of the bride/groom trump those of their guests (that's after all the whole point of etiquette right? To make sure that the guests are comfortable. Its not just about the couple and their PPD, right?) and that is how it should be forever and ever amen.

Some mothers care if their children are excluded. That doesn't make them selfish or entitled. It means that they feel that their family is important to them. If they feel that way they can most definitely decline the invitation. That is their prerogative. That doesn't mean that it won't create resentment and that it shouldn't create resentment just because you think it shouldn't. Folks feel what they feel and it doesn't make them bad people. It makes them human. Remember, it is your wedding day, but its not a license to make your feelings automatically more important than your guests. That goes toward bridezilla territory.

NYCBruin · July 2013

PrimRoseMama said:

NYCBruin said:
But you aren't entitled to an explanation or justification as to why your child wasn't invited any more than my friend/neighbor/coworker/relative who was left off the guest list is.
Or are you jashley and think that everyone deserves an explanation for why they weren't invited?

That would clear a lot up.

ETA if you don't want to pay for child care, then decline the invitation and don't pay for child care.

LOL just LOL. Wait wait, take a second and read what I wrote. I did not say anywhere in my response that I expected an explanation. I merely saying that it might make the guests wonder about why some children are special enough to be included and others are not. Some consider their children a part of their family (no different from a spouse which is normally included). So, excluding part of their family is generally in bad taste, right? I'm just playing Devil's Advocate here.

Personally, if I am told on the invitation or otherwise that the wedding will be child free then I kind of expect it to be child free, you know? If I show up and there are a bunch of kids there then it is going to leave a bad taste in my mouth as a guest. I will kind of feel lied to. That's what I'm saying.

Definitely, if I don't have the means or feel like paying for child care then I will definitely decline the invitation. I value the nights I can get out without the kids and just have a nice time at a wedding with my husband. That is why it would irk me to have Little Johnny from Aunt Clara from out of town zipping around the cake and throwing a tantrum at the reception. I know kids will be kids, but I feel like I got child care to avoid such an incident (because toddlers are unpredictable). I was asked to do so by the bride and so I did it. I am not sure why Little Johnny gets preference (in the OP's situation) just because he's coming from Jersey. That is all I'm saying. If I can get child care to avoid disturbances from a toddler meltdown then I am not entirely sure why someone from out of state cannot.

If its the case of someone inviting me that doesn't know me well enough to invite my entire family then why are they inviting me to their wedding in the first place? I wouldn't ask someone to come without their spouse, and I wouldn't normally ask someone with small children to leave their kids at home. That is how I roll. Obviously, other people have different ways of thinking. That's cool.

No one owes me an explanation and I'm never crass enough to ask. That doesn't stop me from wondering and I promise that doesn't stop other guests from wondering the same if they shelled out the dough too. No, its not a requirement to accept the invitation, but if you do it and then see a bunch of kids there it is going to feel kind of awkward/unpleasant is all I'm saying. Would I get butthurt and sever a friendship over it? Absolutely not. It would bug me and I would move on.

Though its pretty funny that you are trying to imply that I think someone owes me an explanation. No one owes me anything. I'm a grown adult.

Quote box not working break

The only thing I'm going to agree with you is the bold. Invitations should never indicate who isn't invited. That is something to be upset about.

However, if you assume that just because YOUR children were invited, that the entire wedding is child free, well that's on you for making the assumption.

There are a million reasons why a couple may prefer to have some children and not others. If someone is going to get upset because their kid wasn't invited but a child that I'm close with was, well that probably isn't the type of person I'd want to be friends with anyways. Personally, I find parents who think that their child is a fifth limb that they can take with them wherever they go to be a bit obnoxious.

Like I said, I'm not inviting any children so this isn't a problem for me. I just wanted to see what the etiquette was about inviting children since it never made sense to me. What I'm hearing is that there is no etiquette problem, but some people choose to invite in circles to avoid drama.

StephJean83 · July 2013

On the invitation or even the B&G should not tell someone to get childcare. The invite should be addressed to
"Mrs. and Mr. Jones"
or
"Mrs. and Mr. Jones
Miss Sally Mae Jones".

If an invite came to FH and I, as a childless couple, I wouldn't expect an children-free event. If my sister received an invite to the same wedding for just her and BIL, than I would expect a children-free event, since they have a child. I wouldn't be offended and I know my sister wouldn't care that her daughter was excluded, but my sister hardly ever takes my niece to weddings.

AJuliaNJ · July 2013

KatJon14 said:

We don't really want a ton of kids at our wedding, but don't want to preclude out of town people from coming because they don't want to leave their kids for an entire weekend. I was thinking about asking in-town people (in person) to get a sitter for the night, and allow OOT guests to bring their kids. Would that be rude to the in-town people who would like to bring their kids? We would have 30 kids if everyone came, and only 15 if just the OOT kids came.

I don't have kids, but I would think parents would love the excuse to get a sitter and have a fun night out! But I'm sure not everyone feels that way.

I'd love to hear everyones' thoughts!

We didn't invite children to our wedding and had several OOT guests who had children. We addressed each invitation to the husband and wife. One couple couldn't travel without their 2 kids. They didn't have anyone to watch them in their home state (which isn't where they are originally from) or in our state. We said okay to them bringing their kids. One person mentioned it but it wasn't too bad. She asked me about a week later, did that couple sneak their kids in? I said no, they really couldn't find someone to watch them and they came from across the country. She then made a joke about it and said that she was actually having more fun without her kids.

I don't know how your plan of inviting only OOT children will go over. Do you have any local friends or family whose children you are closer to than the OOT children? Your local friend Mary whose kids you adore and call you Aunt may feel hurt that her children weren't invited and the children of your old co-worker you haven't seen in 7 years whom you've never met are there. She might not say something, but from my observations, I think she would be at least a little upset and confused.

What if you did this: you invite the children you are close to, spend time with, and truly want there on your wedding day. Then, if one of the OOT guests declines due to trouble finding childcare, you can make the call whether you tell them you'll miss them or if you will allow their child. Some of the guests might have no problem coming without their children, but if their children were on the invite, would bring them. This plan isn't perfect. There still might be hurt feelings and people might not tell you that's why they declined. I just think if you have to only invite some kids, it should be the ones that are close to you.

In a super ideal world, you'd invite all or none. This way there's no indignation or hurt feelings.

wrigleyville · July 2013

PrimRose - you're assuming it's a behavior issue and that your kid will be better behaved than a drunk person. I get that, but sometimes it's a space issue. If your kids weren't invited and there are other children there, they could be the couple's relatives or the WP's children.

If we invited kids as an all or nothing thing, that would add close to 30 guests to our list. No freaking way. So we decided to invite just our nieces. Some people choose to invite nieces/nephews and the WP's children. There's really no way to know why some kids are there and yours aren't, but it's kind of silly to take it personally and assume they think your kids are going to run wild or something. In our case, it simply came down to space.

Also, some weddings are more formal than others, and kids simply don't belong there. My parents went to a lot of weddings without me when I was a kid. I didn't take it personally, and neither did they. They explained that some parties are "grown-up parties" and we could go when we were older.

annathy03 · July 2013

PrimRoseMama said:

NYCBruin said:
But you aren't entitled to an explanation or justification as to why your child wasn't invited any more than my friend/neighbor/coworker/relative who was left off the guest list is.
Or are you jashley and think that everyone deserves an explanation for why they weren't invited?

That would clear a lot up.

ETA if you don't want to pay for child care, then decline the invitation and don't pay for child care.

LOL just LOL. Wait wait, take a second and read what I wrote. I did not say anywhere in my response that I expected an explanation. I merely saying that it might make the guests wonder about why some children are special enough to be included and others are not. Some consider their children a part of their family (no different from a spouse which is normally included). So, excluding part of their family is generally in bad taste, right? I'm just playing Devil's Advocate here.

Personally, if I am told on the invitation or otherwise that the wedding will be child free then I kind of expect it to be child free, you know? If I show up and there are a bunch of kids there then it is going to leave a bad taste in my mouth as a guest. I will kind of feel lied to. That's what I'm saying.

Definitely, if I don't have the means or feel like paying for child care then I will definitely decline the invitation. I value the nights I can get out without the kids and just have a nice time at a wedding with my husband. That is why it would irk me to have Little Johnny from Aunt Clara from out of town zipping around the cake and throwing a tantrum at the reception. I know kids will be kids, but I feel like I got child care to avoid such an incident (because toddlers are unpredictable). I was asked to do so by the bride and so I did it. I am not sure why Little Johnny gets preference (in the OP's situation) just because he's coming from Jersey. That is all I'm saying. If I can get child care to avoid disturbances from a toddler meltdown then I am not entirely sure why someone from out of state cannot.

If its the case of someone inviting me that doesn't know me well enough to invite my entire family then why are they inviting me to their wedding in the first place? I wouldn't ask someone to come without their spouse, and I wouldn't normally ask someone with small children to leave their kids at home. That is how I roll. Obviously, other people have different ways of thinking. That's cool.

No one owes me an explanation and I'm never crass enough to ask. That doesn't stop me from wondering and I promise that doesn't stop other guests from wondering the same if they shelled out the dough too. No, its not a requirement to accept the invitation, but if you do it and then see a bunch of kids there it is going to feel kind of awkward/unpleasant is all I'm saying. Would I get butthurt and sever a friendship over it? Absolutely not. It would bug me and I would move on.

Though its pretty funny that you are trying to imply that I think someone owes me an explanation. No one owes me anything. I'm a grown adult.

*************************************************************************************************

To the bolded, an invitation addressed to just you and SO is not the same as an invitation specifying that an event is child-free (as PP said, specifying who isn't invited is rude).

So just because your invite doesn't include your children doesn't mean it is a child free event, and if you're assuming it does that's YOUR bad, not the hosts.

We don't have anything against kids, but FI is in the youngest set of cousins and I'm in the second youngest set in our families, so nearly all of our cousins are married with children. Inviting them would add around 50 guests, which we simply can't do. We've decided to be 99% child-free, making exceptions for infants, because not doing so would mean cutting family members or close friends.

ETA: added separation to clarify since the quote box won't play nice.

Kids or no kids?

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