You guys were right- we should have paid for the wedding ourselves

SBmini · July 2013

Back story: crummy relationship with mom, bad childhood, tries to make it up with money then holds it over my head. Things got bad with wedding planning right after we got engaged when she got upset that I invited my FMIL and FSIL to look at venues because this was something her and I were supposed to together. Went downhill again with venue shopping when she refused to allow me to wear the dress she bought me at the venue I liked because it may get dirty. That hissy fit ended up with us getting a venue that was $3,400 more expensive than the one I wanted.

Everyone here told me that we should pay for the wedding and not accept her money. But I thought things would change. I was so wrong.

It's been three weeks of zero communication from my mom. No returned calls, no emails, I really needed to talk to her about the photographer we wanted to hire and her silence was suddenly very, very noticeable. I texted my dad to see what was up and told him that her lack of communication is literally driving me crazy. He called to talk and it is now suddenly so clear. You guys were so right. I should have told her back in April thanks but no thanks and moved forward with planning something small and simple.

He first starts the conversation by hanging my college tuition over my head (the school he pushed me to go to and that my mom told me not to worry about because they would "make it work." This is totally as a result of my mom ranting to him, he would NEVER bring this up under his own duress) Then goes on to say that things have changed, the budget has changed, and they can't justify spending that much on a photographer. But if we can make the deposit to go ahead and do so.

I don't want to be a spoiled little brat and cry about how mommy and daddy can't give me a dream wedding. But seriously!? This is how I have to learn that things have changed after three weeks of zero communication and three weeks of planning within the budget they gave me? We've already booked the big ticket items and if they are now going to decide that they can't afford them, there is no way that my fiance and I can afford it. That means fore-fitting deposits and starting over.

I don't know what to do aside from nothing. Nothing until my mom gets the will to call me to talk about what is happening so we can move forward- what ever direction that may be.

So anyways, I'm sorry for being naive and stubborn before. You guys were so right. Ladies- if you have trouble with your parents, reconsider their gift. Wedding planning will not suddenly fix your relationship and make everything better. You will very likely end up further apart than you started.

Ajuliana · July 2013

Money comes with strings, some reasonable and some hurtful. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

My dad has picked every single song for our reception including first dance, my mom has had appointments with vendors without telling me, FFIL wants a swiss horn to announce us and to do a potluck, and FMIL hates my dress.

Can you change the time of the reception to a nonmeal time and save a bundle? Negotiate a lower package with the photographer for less hours? Have a money dance? *The last part was to add some humor*

astimmel · July 2013

Wow, I'm really sorry. That's a lot of suckage.

I hope everything works out for your wedding!

QueerFemme · July 2013

Harry87 said:

At least on the upside those deposits are not your money, right? If mom wants to lose thousands throwing a hissy, well, tough cookies.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. This is my dad right here, so I'm feeling all the feels right now.

I was wondering about the bolded. If it's their money, I would seriously consider just cancelling everything, and planning something you and your FI can afford on your own.

SBmini · July 2013

She's the one who has put the deposits down, yes.

I've also come to realize that I have been very selfish in addition to naive. I know that my mom takes equality very seriously between myself and my two younger sisters. And while she was the one who assigned the budget, I should have realized that it was setting the budget for my two sisters as well. And I don't know if my parents can financially handle that.

I'm the only one who went to college, and a private school at that. I'm the only one who has purchased a home, which she so graciously helped with the down payment on. And now I'm the one getting a big, traditional wedding. My MOH/younger sister wants to elope, has an apartment and went to trade school. The imbalance in my mom's mind is staggering, even if what my sister wants and what I want are very different things.

When she does call, I'm going to offer a plan b. A small wedding in Zion National Park- what I originally wanted, at a much smaller price. My fiance and I will pay for what we can, and their help will be appreciated. It will save my mom for feeling bad for not giving my middle sister the big wedding, or school for my youngest sister (she's a photographer so she opted to skip school). It may be best for everyone.

The real challenge will be cutting the list.

I've got 86 people alone in my "close" family (my family, aunts/uncles, cousins and their kids).

SBmini · July 2013

I got a referral for a counselor today-- based on everyone's recommendations from the first thread.

HisGirlFriday13 · July 2013

Ditto PPs. Reach out to your mom and say, 'Based on recent conversations, we are changing plans. Everything previously booked has been cancelled.'

Then do it -- call and cancel everything. Scale back to ONLY what you can afford. You mentioned 'what we can afford and their help wil be appreciated.' No no no no no. Do what you can afford ONLY. Nothing more. If she offers money, say no.

Congrats on counselling; it's a great first step!

QueerFemme · July 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Ditto PPs. Reach out to your mom and say, 'Based on recent conversations, we are changing plans. Everything previously booked has been cancelled.' Then do it -- call and cancel everything. Scale back to ONLY what you can afford. You mentioned 'what we can afford and their help wil be appreciated.' No no no no no. Do what you can afford ONLY. Nothing more. If she offers money, say no. Congrats on counselling; it's a great first step!

To the bolded. THIS !!!!!!!! Don't accept any more handouts. Plan what you can afford, and then stop accepting monetary gifts from your parents. It has become clear that it may be putting a strain on your parents.

misssunshine17 · July 2013

I'm in the camp of NO to the handouts. Yes, it might be hard and yes it might mean you don't have your 'dream' wedding, but what your dream should be is marrying your FI. This other stuff is bullshit and you need to nip it now or else she's going to ruin your wedding.

RamonaFlowers · July 2013

Don't bother waiting for her to come around hoping that everything will be different this time. You've already seen how that plays out. It's not different, it never was different, it's never going to be different.

Cancel everything now, accept that your budget and/or proposed timeline are going to have to change, and just pay for it all yourself. Your parents (Yes, "parents", I fully agree with Linger that your Dad is not blameless here) are going to continually use their money to manipulate you for as long as you're foolishly willing to let them do so. Now that you are fully aware that this is never going to change on their end, it's on you to never accept a dime from your parents for anything ever again.

Chipmunk415 · July 2013

SB I am so sorry this is happening. I ditto pp's regarding eloping, counseling, and planning for the future. Have the wedding YOU want that you can afford- don't worry about what everyone else wants for you. At the end of the day, its about you and your FI and your love for one another. I just looked up the park you were referring to earlier. A wedding there looks like it would be absolutely gorgeous! I also noticed some lovely looking spas and lodges nearby. I vote for you two going there for a week, relaxing, and eloping!

NerdyLucy · July 2013

I agree with a lot of the PPs about canceling what you can't afford and forming a new plan in which you can plan things that are more affordable.

Switching the venue to a national park is a good idea, in my opinion. I'm having both my ceremony and reception on a state park----beautiful area and much, much less expensive than many other venues in the area.

SBmini · July 2013

Thank you all for your support. I'm very grateful that my fiance is also 100% onboard with the new plan. Only thing I'm really bummed about is the dress. I love my dress and it is 85% paid for. The venue and catering were all compromises and I'm not upset about losing those.The real challenge will be cutting the list. It's going to be hard to tell some of my family that they can't come without being obvious about playing favorites.

I'm very lucky that one of my clients operates lodges in National Parks (unfortunately not Zion

). I'm looking at Lake Powell as a top choice now. My fiance still wants to have a big party back home, but he doesn't seem to understand that the big party is the most expensive part of all of this. We'll see how that goes.

SBmini · July 2013

^ That's the plan. We're going to pay for the rest of the dress when it comes in. I think the balance is under $200, plus alternations, but the dress fits perfectly off the rack (aside from being too long) so that hopefully won't be too much.

Well, there went nothing. I just sent an email to my parents politely declining their gift. I told them I'm canceling the contracts and paying for the remainder of the dress when it comes in.

HisGirlFriday13 · July 2013

SBmini said:

^ That's the plan. We're going to pay for the rest of the dress when it comes in. I think the balance is under $200, plus alternations, but the dress fits perfectly off the rack (aside from being too long) so that hopefully won't be too much.

Well, there went nothing. I just sent an email to my parents politely declining their gift. I told them I'm canceling the contracts and paying for the remainder of the dress when it comes in.

Good for you!! This is seriously the first step on the road to true independence. You'll be so glad you did it, and at the end of the day, you'll be marrying your FI and that's all that matters.

KDM323 · July 2013

You will be SO much happier having control of your own wedding rather than having to deal with this passive aggressive manipulative nonsense.

jennylee813 · July 2013

You are definitely moving in the right direction. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this, but it sounds like your FI is doing all the right things and you are taking the necessary steps to get your wedding 'back.'

Email is a good option for dealing with difficult parents. I try to limit my contact (living away helps), but email is much easier to manage.

I agree with PPs that you should include the balance of your dress in your budget, and plan what you can afford without their help. You will be much happier.

Good luck!

Ven&Radio · July 2013

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You're going to be much happier now that you (and your FI) are setting the budget and making all of the decisions. And good luck with the counselling.

QueerFemme · July 2013

LingerLonger1 said:

SBmini said:

^ That's the plan. We're going to pay for the rest of the dress when it comes in. I think the balance is under $200, plus alternations, but the dress fits perfectly off the rack (aside from being too long) so that hopefully won't be too much.

Well, there went nothing. I just sent an email to my parents politely declining their gift. I told them I'm canceling the contracts and paying for the remainder of the dress when it comes in.
I'm so proud of you for doing this! I know it probably wasn't easy but this is definitely going to be for the best.

Good luck with the dress. It sounds like it will be manageable to cover the cost on your own.

I'm proud of you also, and I don't even know you! I know that is hard, and will likely create some short term drama. But, the long term outlook will be so much better for you and your future husband.

jennylee813 · July 2013

@CMGr - email has saved me more than once!

SBmini · July 2013

Well, today has been interesting. I haven't heard from my parents aside from a short email my dad sent me saying that his heart sunk, he didn't know what to think and that he needed to process it. He did, however, call my sister/MOH to talk to her. But she was at work so I ended up talking to her first. I reiterated all of my points to my sister and expressed that my mom needs to just call me. She told me she'd call my dad back after work.

So my dad told her that my mom was crying all day to hear that I canceled the venue. I told her that I haven't canceled anything and that if mom just called me she'd know that. But it really upset me that my dad was telling her this and not me.

I texted my dad and told him again that mom just needed to call me. He yelled at me for being rash and causing trouble and not just letting my mom be. I told him that they didn't have to worry about anything now because we were handling things. And that I wasn't doing this to hurt them, but because I thought it was best. I told him we'd talk about it later.

It upsets me so much that he's turning this around on me and making me the villain here against my mom. It just confirms in my mind that we are doing the right thing.

KDM323 · July 2013

Everything CMG said. Don't engage with your parents. One of my very wise friends says "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome". The call from your Dad is a way to engage you in a dysfunctional dance with them...don't engage.

OliveOilsMom · July 2013

PP have given great advice. You did a good thing telling your parents you didn't need financial help for your wedding. In the end, this will be the best thing for you personally and mentally.

For your wedding, I would suggest having an afternoon ceremony with a non-meal reception afterwards. If you have your ceremony around 1:30-2 pm and immediately go into an appetizer/dessert reception, you can host many more people than hosting a full meal. You could probably keep your current guest list too. The reception would end earlier, around 5-6, so people could head out for a dinner, but you will have hosted all of your guests properly.

Good luck in your planning and I hope that your therapist will be able to help you come up with mechanism to deal with your parents in a healthy way.

Dreamergirl8812 · July 2013

drexelkathy said:

Everything CMG said. Don't engage with your parents. One of my very wise friends says "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome". The call from your Dad is a way to engage you in a dysfunctional dance with them...don't engage.

You're friends with Albert Einstein!?!?!?!?!?

Anyway, OP you are officially fierce.

efmcc67 · July 2013

Dreamergirl8812 said:

drexelkathy said:

Everything CMG said. Don't engage with your parents. One of my very wise friends says "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome". The call from your Dad is a way to engage you in a dysfunctional dance with them...don't engage.

You're friends with Albert Einstein!?!?!?!?!?

Anyway, OP you are officially fierce.

I was thinking that, too!

SBmini · July 2013

What did I expect? I don't know. I've never done this before. But I can't help but be upset right now. I'm upset at the situation. I'm upset at my parents. And I'm upset that my sister has to be the one to relay messages. I think that is natural to feel this way.

My fiance keeps telling me that I should feel better, that this should be a weight lifted off my shoulders, but all I can do is rehearse the next conversation I'm going to have with them over and over in my head. Or think about what I'm going to tell other members of my family. I do feel better today than i did yesterday, and hopefully tomorrow I'll feel even better.

We've started planning *our* wedding, which is nice. I'm hopeful that we can keep our date. One of my clients runs a resort property at Lake Powell, I left her a message yesterday. If she can give us a good deal it would be a beautiful place to get married. It will be harder for people to get to, but that will help cut down the guest list. Planning a wedding in CA from AZ was just too hard. Especially with a mom who wasn't interested in helping- only making sure the final way was her way.

HisGirlFriday13 · July 2013

SBmini said:
What did I expect? I don't know. I've never done this before. But I can't help but be upset right now. I'm upset at the situation. I'm upset at my parents. And I'm upset that my sister has to be the one to relay messages. I think that is natural to feel this way.

My fiance keeps telling me that I should feel better, that this should be a weight lifted off my shoulders, but all I can do is rehearse the next conversation I'm going to have with them over and over in my head. Or think about what I'm going to tell other members of my family. I do feel better today than i did yesterday, and hopefully tomorrow I'll feel even better.

We've started planning *our* wedding, which is nice. I'm hopeful that we can keep our date. One of my clients runs a resort property at Lake Powell, I left her a message yesterday. If she can give us a good deal it would be a beautiful place to get married. It will be harder for people to get to, but that will help cut down the guest list. Planning a wedding in CA from AZ was just too hard. Especially with a mom who wasn't interested in helping- only making sure the final way was her way.

You expected it to change things, and that's OK. You expected that this would be a wake-up call for your parents, and that's OK, too. It's natural to hope that people's behaviour will change, even if hoping for that flies in the face of every thing you have ever known about them.

I get that, I really do. I am proud of you for taking this step. It's hard and it's scary and you did something that is both powerful and completely terrifying.

Your parents are going to get worse before they get better. It's going to get harder before it gets easier. They will get ugly. They have been abusing you, mentally, for so long that when they see their power slipping away, they will claw and fight like hell to keep it. They will use any weapons at their disposal, including dragging your sister into the fray, to get what they want and try to save face.

If today is better than yesterday, tomorrow will be better still. But it's got to come from within you. You cannot expect your parents to change. Give serious thought to cutting them off for a while. Don't call/text/email them. Don't respond to them. Don't engage them. If your sister calls with a message, tell her you won't listen to it. They can only put her in the middle if you and she let her. Don't let them.

Good luck!!

QueerFemme · July 2013

StageManager14 said:

I get feeling upset, no one is saying you shouldn't. We're just saying that you should be doing these things for YOU and not to try and fix your parents. It sucks, hardcore, but the fact is that they may never change. And I agree that it's wrong to put your sister in the middle, but the truth is that she is putting herself in the middle by relaying messages and you are too by letting her relay them. I am so sorry you're going through this, and believe me I DO know how painful it is. But if you don't draw boundaries now, they will be manipulating you forever.

I agree with all of this. It's also probably time to set up boundaries with your sister. It can be as simple as "I'm sorry, I really don't want to talk about mom & dad. lets talk about something else". Don't let her relay information to you.

kathrynrf · July 2013

We are so lucky. Both sets of our parents gave us money, with no strings attached.

His parents ended up inviting a couple extra people, then gave us MORE money to pay for them. My Mom did the same.

So literally, no strings attached.

rajahmd · July 2013

kathrynrf said:

SBmini · July 2013

We are so lucky. Both sets of our parents gave us money, with no strings attached.

His parents ended up inviting a couple extra people, then gave us MORE money to pay for them. My Mom did the same.

So literally, no strings attached.

Seriously, what was the point of this post? This may be harsh, but this just sounds like bragging. After the tricky situation that OP has been dealing with, one that is extremely emotional, your post just feels like rubbing salt on the wound.

That post didn't bother me at all. I'm glad to hear other people are planning with their parents without any problems. First- I wouldn't wish this on anyone. And secondly, it only helps solidify my feelings that my parents are being out of line with their conditions.

Today has been better. I've been thinking about the situation less and less and instead focusing on the more fun parts of wedding planning- like thinking about the honeymoon. I haven't heard from anyone since Friday night. I've realized that my mom is likely trying to "fix things" before calling me. I.e. figuring out how to keep the original budget. It pains me to think she's doing this useless exercise instead of just talking to me. But that is her own fault. And I have to remind myself of that. I've asked her enough times to talk to me, the ball is in her court now.

You guys were right- we should have paid for the wedding ourselves

Re: You guys were right- we should have paid for the wedding ourselves

Choose Another Board

Search Boards