Can I bring a guest?

fretiquette · July 2013

I'm looking for help in deciding whether it'd be appropriate for me to ask the bride whether I can bring my new boyfriend to her wedding in October. She has been my best friend since high school (15 years now), and I am one of her three bridesmaids for her destination wedding in Cancun. I just began a relationship in late May, but it has gotten quite serious quickly. My friend recently met my boyfriend and will have many more opportunities to meet him before her big day; we all live in the same area.

Her other two bridesmaids all have been in longer relationships, so naturally their significant others are attending. What are people's thoughts on whether it is appropriate to ask if I can bring this new person? I'd really love it if he could attend with me. I've never been in a relationship during other friends' weddings, but is it too soon for this one to ask to be included?

I think the guest list now is around 60 people.

Please help!

QueerFemme · July 2013

fretiquette said:

I'm looking for help in deciding whether it'd be appropriate for me to ask the bride whether I can bring my new boyfriend to her wedding in October. She has been my best friend since high school (15 years now), and I am one of her three bridesmaids for her destination wedding in Cancun. I just began a relationship in late May, but it has gotten quite serious quickly. My friend recently met my boyfriend and will have many more opportunities to meet him before her big day; we all live in the same area.

Her other two bridesmaids all have been in longer relationships, so naturally their significant others are attending. What are people's thoughts on whether it is appropriate to ask if I can bring this new person? I'd really love it if he could attend with me. I've never been in a relationship during other friends' weddings, but is it too soon for this one to ask to be included?

I think the guest list now is around 60 people.

Please help!

If you are in a relationship that you consider serious, I don't see anything wrong with asking the bride if you can include your SO.

aurianna · July 2013

You shouldn't need to ask her if you can bring him. He is your significant other and therefore the bride should be inviting him, by name on the invitation. It's a little early, but have invitations gone out yet?

Do you have any reason to think she isn't already planning on inviting your boyfriend? It might not need to be a conversation you'll have to have at all, which would be nice.

aurianna · July 2013

CMGr said:

My mother instinct tells me that if you two are just falling in love, it might not be such a good idea to go on an extended trip with him. What if you break up between now and the wedding? How much time are we talking about here? Most airfare is non-refundable.
Just sayin'.

They'll be together 5 months by the time the wedding rolls around. Plenty of people are engaged by 5 months. (apologies if you were being sarcastic. My sarcasm-meter turned off an hour ago).

Regardless if OP and bf decide to go together, he should be invited.

OP, if you have no reason to think that bride isn't planning on inviting your bf (like if she hasn't told you point blank she's not inviting you with a date, she's being rude and not inviting bf/gf's in general, etc) then I'd start just checking on airline prices, and maybe ask her in a week or two if the invites haven't already come out. Something like, "We're so excited for your wedding. I just wanted to make sure my boyfriend is also invited?" (I'm sure other ladies here can figure out how to phrase that better).

If she's already led you to believe he won't be invited / you already got your invite and he wasn't on it / you know she's doing something rude like only inviting married/engaged couples / etc, then you've got decisions to make. She is very rude to exclude your boyfriend. You can ask, but there's a chance she'll say no. If she does you have to decide if you still even want to go to the wedding (not inviting her bridesmaid's boyfriend to travel with her to a destination wedding is really crappy). Or if you maybe want to see how it goes with you boyfriend for a while before making any kind of stand like that.

AddieCake · July 2013

If he wants to go, I would ask.

Bubblegum5586 · July 2013

I think you can ask. Communication is the key to everything. As PP said, she wished more people would have asked, you try your best to be polite and invite SOs, but you can't keep track of everyone's current relationships status either!

gpeeples · July 2013

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking if he can come. I also don't think there's anything wrong with asking before the invitations even go out.

fretiquette · July 2013

Thank you all for your feedback! I will ask my friend over email if I can invite my boyfriend (he wants to go). This has been so helpful!

Sierra524 · July 2013

fretiquette said:

Thank you all for your feedback! I will ask my friend over email if I can invite my boyfriend (he wants to go). This has been so helpful!

I would probably ask in person. Words can get twisted and the tone can be taken wrong over an email. Take her out to lunch or coffee & ask.

KeptInStitches · July 2013

Or call your friend if you're not in close enough proximity to ask in person.

courtski2004 · July 2013

Has she given you any reason to believe that she wouldn't be extending a plus one to you? I can't imagine considering not giving a plus one to a BM for a destination wedding as it is (even if she wasn't in a relationship), but I would definitely call. She's your BFF of 15 years, I'm sure it will be just fine.

delujm0 · July 2013

I feel like if you're having a wedding in Cancun, every adult that is invited should receive a +1. It's almost crazy to think a person would want to pay for a whole hotel room just for his/herself when it's easier to share. If there will be several single people attending that all know each other, it should be their choice to either bunk up, stay solo, or bring someone that they feel more comfortable sharing a hotel room with. a true destination wedding - where absolutely everyone will be traveling and staying at a hotel - should have slightly different rules than a regular wedding, right?

I'm a BM in a destination wedding in St. Lucia in a few months, and the bride is giving everyone a +1 - mostly due to hotel costs. My mother, for example, is bringing a friend so that she doesn't have to stay alone and eat the full cost of a hotel room. Asking guests to lay down a significant amount of money to travel to your wedding is one thing - dictating who they can or cannot bring on their vacation would be wrong.

wrigleyville · July 2013

Same here. Plus, there are some package deals in Vegas that charge you extra if you come as "single", so it would have sucked for them. I told all of my single friends that "and Guest" means they can bring anyone - their best girlfriend or favorite neighbor or whatever - that it doesn't have to be a date. I want everyone to think of it as a fun vacation with a wedding on the side.

LavenderHoneyBee · July 2013

fretiquette said:

Thank you all for your feedback! I will ask my friend over email if I can invite my boyfriend (he wants to go). This has been so helpful!

Do NOT ask if you can invite him, she will be the one inviting him. I would approach in the manner of asking regarding travel plans. I would explain to her that you were hoping he'd be invited, and if so you'd like to begin making travel arrangements together.

SMarie89 · July 2013

LavenderHoneyBee said:

fretiquette said:

Thank you all for your feedback! I will ask my friend over email if I can invite my boyfriend (he wants to go). This has been so helpful!

Do NOT ask if you can invite him, she will be the one inviting him. I would approach in the manner of asking regarding travel plans. I would explain to her that you were hoping he'd be invited, and if so you'd like to begin making travel arrangements together.

That's pretty much the same as asking, no? You're asking her how you should be making your travel arrangements which is just a backwards way of asking if he's invited... "So I'm wondering if I should be making flight reservations for two or one...*awkward pause*..." You're still asking. I'd way rather have a BM just ask me, straight up. If we're close enough that's she's a BM, she can ask me. However, I agree with PP - call her.

32daisies · July 2013

LavenderHoneyBee said:

fretiquette said:

Thank you all for your feedback! I will ask my friend over email if I can invite my boyfriend (he wants to go). This has been so helpful!

Do NOT ask if you can invite him, she will be the one inviting him. I would approach in the manner of asking regarding travel plans. I would explain to her that you were hoping he'd be invited, and if so you'd like to begin making travel arrangements together.

I think I'd have to disagree. Why shouldn't she ask? That's what we advise all the time in these cases, isn't it?

More to the point, though, I'm still unclear -- does the OP know for *sure* that her boyfriend isn't invited? How, if the invitations haven't gone out? Because I was starting to wonder if it's precisely because of travel plans ("OP, we've got you sharing a room with Other Single Bridesmaid, okay?") or something like that.

kathrynrf · July 2013

Just ask. When my FI and I first started dating it was July and his friend was getting married in October. He went to Japan in August, and when he got back things started to get serious quickly. I wasn't invited to the wedding solely because of the timing of it. He asked if I could come and they were apologetic and more than happy to have me there.

LavenderHoneyBee · July 2013

SMarie89 said:

LavenderHoneyBee said:

fretiquette said:

Thank you all for your feedback! I will ask my friend over email if I can invite my boyfriend (he wants to go). This has been so helpful!

Do NOT ask if you can invite him, she will be the one inviting him. I would approach in the manner of asking regarding travel plans. I would explain to her that you were hoping he'd be invited, and if so you'd like to begin making travel arrangements together.

That's pretty much the same as asking, no? You're asking her how you should be making your travel arrangements which is just a backwards way of asking if he's invited... "So I'm wondering if I should be making flight reservations for two or one...*awkward pause*..." You're still asking. I'd way rather have a BM just ask me, straight up. If we're close enough that's she's a BM, she can ask me. However, I agree with PP - call her.

My comment was mostly directed to the "if I can invite my boyfriend part". The OP wouldn't be doing the inviting. She would be clarifying with the bride if he will be invited, and then the bride will include him on the OP's invite. I just didn't like the idea of the BM asking if she (the BM) could do the inviting. That isn't appropriate.

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