Appropriate memorial?

cruffino · July 2013

In the past couple years there have been a number of deaths in my extended family. I wanted to acknowledge them during the wedding but am not sure how.

I considered displaying their pictures but FI thought it was morbid. I also thought about mentioning them during the ceremony but am not sure if that's morbid too. What's an appropriate way to acknowledge those who have passed during a celebration of life? What have others done?

sonthirathb · July 2013

I had a close uncle pass away in March and both of my FI's grandmas passed away in 2012. I am having one a candle that says "For those we have loved and lost along the way. A flame to remember them burns here today. In loving memory" purchased from orientaltrading.com.

I will have a small framed picture of the 3 people with a place card that states their names. You don't have to do the pictures and just the candle could be enough. Do whatever your comfortable with. I have also seen a mention in the wedding program before

Hewitt2013 · July 2013

StageManager14 said:

I think this is a really fine line. Honoring a couple of people who you were very close to is one thing (and sticky enough, honestly). But it sounds like you have quite a few people to remember and that can quickly make even a small gesture like photos or names listed in the program become a large thing that shifts focus. I like the suggestion of a single candle. You could also have your officiant say a quick line about remembering "those who could not be with us here today" in a prayer or while welcoming the guests. But anything more than that, like listing off individual names or putting out photos, could get depressing fast. It also then runs the risk of insulting someone else unless you include every single lost friend or family member:

That is such a great point! I love these boards and getting different viewpoints on things. I never looked at it that way. I really wanted to do something for my uncle since 3 weeks before he passed he sat me down and said he might not make it to my wedding day...Still get teary when I think of that day It still seems so fresh and recent you want to do something. I am rethinking it now though. I thought it was only appropriate to include his grandmas but FI did not care either way. I don't want to shift the focus and make it seem like a memorial.
The candle really should be enough.

Hewitt2013 · July 2013

Opps it is me sonthirathb that responded. I forgot I was under my other account that has my guest list.

Simply Fated · July 2013

I would be careful not to turn your happy wedding into a somber memorial service.
I think subtle is better. Your loved ones would not want you mourning on your wedding day, you know what I mean?

Teddy917 · July 2013

If you want to do pictures, you could do a display table of pictures of you and FI throughout your lives with people who meant a lot to you, living or dead.

avaday2u · July 2013

I am doing this too - I found a really nice flameless candle at Old Time Pottery and am going to make a small collage of pictures to display next to it... The card in front will say "In memory of those who are forever in our hearts"

32daisies · July 2013

We spent a lot of time talking about this. My FI wanted to say something about his grandparents, but there have been other deaths in the family he didn't feel compelled to memorialize. But where do you draw the line, without seeming offensive? And I lost my mother years ago, and I struggle, already, about missing her on my wedding day, so I don't want to do anything that might set me off.

I don't know what the answer is for everyone -- if the candle works for you, good. We decided to say something at the rehearsal dinner, in a less formal setting, the night before, to give it a little distance from the actual (possibly emotional) day itself. FI can be less formal about who he mentions, and I can cry a little about missing Mom that evening, and then just try to think of her with happiness on the day.

Good luck. I'm sure you'll come up with what works best for you.

efmcc67 · July 2013

You should also check with others before putting up pictures. FI's father passed away a few years ago, and I asked if he might want to put a picture of him up at the reception as a memorial. He said he didn't want to, because it would be too hard for his mother. I think we're just going to do a memorial line in the program.

cruffino · July 2013

thanks for all the advice. i'm thinking it over and it may be best to just have the officiant say something briefly during a prayer "remembering those who aren't with us here today". it has been a handful of people, and i am concerned about turning towards the morbid, and also about where to draw the line.

wittykitty14 · July 2013

prettybirdy27 said:

I was in a wedding a few years ago where the bride brought her mother's ashes to the wedding, but she didn't want them out in plain sight so she asked her dad to slam them in the trunk of her car. That way, he was still there, just, you know, in the trunk out in the parking lot.

I found it to be one of the most disrespectful things I had ever seen in my life, particularly after the father of the bride started tearing up when the bride asked him to put the mom in the trunk.

So, you know, don't do that. We are doing a line in the program for our passed immediate family members.

WHAT? I'm still in shock. That sounds absolutely horrible.

OP, there are a lot of people in my family who are no longer with us too. Most of what we did to recognize them were only things that H and I and a few others knew about. I was very close with my grandmother and had a lot of elements that were "her". I have her engagement ring, I wore the same gloves she wore for her wedding, and we had yellow roses-her favorite flower. It was something for me to know that she, and my grandfather, were there with us that day. Since we had a Catholic mass, we had the Intercessions, and one of those was a prayer for our friends/family that have passed. It was all we needed.

cruffino · July 2013

prettybirdy27 said:

I was in a wedding a few years ago where the bride brought her mother's ashes to the wedding, but she didn't want them out in plain sight so she asked her dad to slam them in the trunk of her car. That way, he was still there, just, you know, in the trunk out in the parking lot.

I found it to be one of the most disrespectful things I had ever seen in my life, particularly after the father of the bride started tearing up when the bride asked him to put the mom in the trunk.

So, you know, don't do that. We are doing a line in the program for our passed immediate family members.

what the what in tarnation! i can't.

a line is the program is a good idea!

cruffino · July 2013

wittykitty14 said:

prettybirdy27 said:

I was in a wedding a few years ago where the bride brought her mother's ashes to the wedding, but she didn't want them out in plain sight so she asked her dad to slam them in the trunk of her car. That way, he was still there, just, you know, in the trunk out in the parking lot.

I found it to be one of the most disrespectful things I had ever seen in my life, particularly after the father of the bride started tearing up when the bride asked him to put the mom in the trunk.

So, you know, don't do that. We are doing a line in the program for our passed immediate family members.

WHAT? I'm still in shock. That sounds absolutely horrible.
OP, there are a lot of people in my family who are no longer with us too. Most of what we did to recognize them were only things that H and I and a few others knew about. I was very close with my grandmother and had a lot of elements that were "her". I have her engagement ring, I wore the same gloves she wore for her wedding, and we had yellow roses-her favorite flower. It was something for me to know that she, and my grandfather, were there with us that day. Since we had a Catholic mass, we had the Intercessions, and one of those was a prayer for our friends/family that have passed. It was all we needed.

we're not having a catholic mass, but i'm hoping that we'll have the option of doing Intercessions too. it's a non-denominational church and we won't speak with the officiant for a few more weeks. when we do, i plan on asking.

walgrrl · July 2013

I think the best way to go about it is in a small, subtle way.

My grandmother passed away several years ago, and the way I paid tribute to her memory was by wearing one of her necklaces on my wedding day and by having my florist tie one of her handkerchiefs around my bouquet wrap. It was my personal way of honoring her memory and keeping her close to me on my wedding day, but without shoving it in anyone's face or turning my wedding into a memorial service. The only people who knew I was doing this were my parents, siblings, and myself.

If you were particularly close to any of the deceased relatives and you have access to a personal item or memento, you could try to find a way to subtly include it in your wedding day.

Jen4948 · July 2013

You were right not to list your FI's father in the invitation, regardless of what his family members think. But whether or not you memorialize him further at your wedding should be 1) up to him and his mother and 2) done carefully. A tribute in a wedding program, wearing or carrying something your FI's father owned or was associated with him, and/or providing food, drink, decorations, and/or entertainment that he enjoyed would all be lovely ways to memorialize him.

cruffino · July 2013

walgrrl said:

I think the best way to go about it is in a small, subtle way.

My grandmother passed away several years ago, and the way I paid tribute to her memory was by wearing one of her necklaces on my wedding day and by having my florist tie one of her handkerchiefs around my bouquet wrap. It was my personal way of honoring her memory and keeping her close to me on my wedding day, but without shoving it in anyone's face or turning my wedding into a memorial service. The only people who knew I was doing this were my parents, siblings, and myself.

If you were particularly close to any of the deceased relatives and you have access to a personal item or memento, you could try to find a way to subtly include it in your wedding day.

another nice idea. i'll be wearing earrings belonging to my great-great grandmother (not one of the recently deceased) but may look for other subtle ways to incorporate small items into the day.

ceceibson · July 2013

When my oldest sister remarried a couple years ago, her officiant briefly mentioned "those who aren't with us today." These were people who had died some time ago but were special to the couple [grandparents, etc.]

When I married last summer, DH and I both wanted to do something fairly "significant" to remember people we had lost: his parents, my late husband [my childrens' father], my baby brother [who died shortly after DH and I started dating] and DH's son [who was to be his best man, but died 6 months before our wedding].

We had 2 young girls bring up 4 sunflowers and put them in a vase at the altar before the start of the ceremony. The program noted the song they were walking to, then said something like "Our friends, X and Y, present flowers in honor of those we are missing most today", along with the names.

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