Etiquette on Bridesmaids and their Attire

ohmrs2014 · July 2013

So I know this has been brought up a few times, but I just need some clarification so please bare with me ladies. Here is some background (sorry for the longness!! My MOH and one bridesmaid picked out a dress this weekend. I know its early, but David's Bridal was discontinuing the color my FI and I had decided on so we jumped it and my other BM is going to get the dress this week. ( FI and I didn't like any other designers variations of the color).

My sister, who is also my MOH, showed my mom a photo of her and my other BM in the dress. My mom said it was too plain and that I'm "lucky she wasn't there." It took a lot to hold back. (for the record, we picked the dresses together, they tried them on, they narrowed it down to their top 5, then their top 2, and we worked together to pick the final dress. don't get me wrong, there were others that my BM and I liked that were a little more dressier, that my sister didn't like and I always said I would never put any of them in a dress that they didn't feel comfortable in). Then my mom went on a tirade about how its not going to look good that all of the girls are going to be in different shoes. The dress is Kelly Green (click for picture of the dress) and they will be carrying orange flowers, either carnations or roses haven't decided yet. I told the girls that either nude or gold will be fine because I feel that both colors will complete the dress. Well my dad got involved in the conversation and said that I might as well put the girls in different color dresses if they won't be wearing the same shoe. If they all wore the same shoe, then they would all be wearing flats because my sister can not wear heels since she has an issue with her foot and I'm totally ok with the flats.

My question is should I at least narrow it down to a color? Instead of giving them the option of both, just pick either gold or nude? I know that if I require them to wear a specific shoe then I have to pay for it and thats another thing my parents don't understand. They are under the belief and maybe its an old school mentality that the BMs and MOH wear what I say and that its part of their job to buy everything that is required of them. I'm ok with narrowing down the color to one or the other, but I don't feel comfortable with telling them that they have to wear a specific shoe just for a uniform look.

annathy03 · July 2013

I'm with you that I don't think it matters, but it's a small enough thing I'd probably pick one color (or ask your BMs to decide on the color) to appease your parents. You are in the right, but personally I wouldn't die on this hill, ESP if it isn't a big deal to your BMs.

ohmrs2014 · July 2013

Thanks ladies. I totally agree with you both. Maybe I'll just have them pick the color and hopefully they can all decide on which one, though I think the nude will look great. I'm sure I'll get some flack for not requiring them to wear their hair the same way. I offered to pay for hair but I don't care how they wear they it, up, down, braided, shaved LOL.

I'm just frustrated because I have made so many concessions on everything for the wedding to appease other people, especially my parents just because its easier to sometimes grin and bear it and nod and say yes. It went from wanting a small intimate wedding of no more than 75 people to a guest list of over 140. It may not seem like a lot, but for me it is since FI and I are paying LOL. I refused to sacrifice having our close friends there just because my family is so big, so we reworked the budget to make it happen.

ohmrs2014 · July 2013

My parents like to throw the whole "everything we have done for you" in our faces when they aren't happy, which isn't that often, except for this wedding business. I love my parents to death so on somethings I'm ok with it, and others I have fought them on. I chose not to get married in our church, they weren't happy, FI didn't care either way he left the decision up to me as he is not that religious, but in the end, it was what I wanted and I didn't care what they had to say. I feel like I'm painting my parents in a bad light LOL. My parents are actually pretty chill people and we are a super tight family and we hardly ever really get angry with each other. They never once actually in the four years FI and I have been together ever tried to meddle or pry into our relationship. I guess weddings do bring out the worst in everyone, including parents LOL.

edited for clarification.

allispain · July 2013

Seriously - no one really looks at the BMs shoes.

Other than at my own wedding (where my girls chose to wear nude shoes - all different, from flats to wedges to heels) I can remember only one pair of shoes ever worn by BMs at another wedding. And that was because I felt the dresses were so skimpy that I didn't know where else to look than at their feet!

OP, if you want your girls to be happy and get to pick their own shoes in gold or nude, I think that's lovely and I doubt anyone will notice or care. Heck, your own BMs may take it upon themselves to pick one color or the other because they don't want to stand out (one of my girls was worried that I wouldn't like that her wedges had a pattern on the sides, so she brought an extra pair of something else with her just in case).

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Here is a phrase that helped me get through a lot of wedding issues "Thanks insert name here, I appreciate the suggestion/idea, I'll keep that mind" And don't forget to say it with a smile.

I'm sure your girls will appreciate being able to pick out their own shoes, women have different comfort levels with shoes and if they are comfortable in their shoes, they will be comfortable during the day & it will show on their faces & in the pictures.

kmmssg · July 2013

I'm a MOB. Your parents come from a generation where all the dresses and shoes and hair, and whatever else HAD to match or the wedding wasn't valid. Back in our day you would never see different dresses (except maybe MOH), different shoes, etc. Why? Because that was not how it was done! Talk about scandalous.

You girls are so fortunate to be beyond that crap. Your parents are sounding old school here. I personally love to see the BM's come down the aisle all looking a bit different than the others. I always think that the bride put them first as people rather than photo ops.

I do think you need to maybe limit wedding talk if your mom is going to make comments like "it's a good thing I wasn't there!" I just find that terribly rude. It isn't her wedding so it isn't her choice.

You could also google some wedding pictures showing girls in different dresses and shoes and let your parents see that people do this stuff routinely if you think it would help.

Peaseblossom55 · July 2013

kmmssg said:

I'm a MOB. Your parents come from a generation where all the dresses and shoes and hair, and whatever else HAD to match or the wedding wasn't valid. Back in our day you would never see different dresses (except maybe MOH), different shoes, etc. Why? Because that was not how it was done! Talk about scandalous.

You girls are so fortunate to be beyond that crap. Your parents are sounding old school here. I personally love to see the BM's come down the aisle all looking a bit different than the others. I always think that the bride put them first as people rather than photo ops.

I do think you need to maybe limit wedding talk if your mom is going to make comments like "it's a good thing I wasn't there!" I just find that terribly rude. It isn't her wedding so it isn't her choice.

You could also google some wedding pictures showing girls in different dresses and shoes and let your parents see that people do this

I agree with all of this especially the bolded part. Let them pick their own shoes in whatever colors they want. Especially having been a bridesmaid this past weekend and I felt like the above bolded part. I also learned to stop sharing details with my mom so we don't argue over small stuff that in the grand scheme of things won't make a big difference.

s-aries8990 · July 2013

50ShadesofMe said:

My parents like to throw the whole "everything we have done for you" in our faces when they aren't happy, which isn't that often, except for this wedding business. I love my parents to death so on somethings I'm ok with it, and others I have fought them on. I chose not to get married in our church, they weren't happy, FI didn't care either way he left the decision up to me as he is not that religious, but in the end, it was what I wanted and I didn't care what they had to say. I feel like I'm painting my parents in a bad light LOL. My parents are actually pretty chill people and we are a super tight family and we hardly ever really get angry with each other. They never once actually in the four years FI and I have been together ever tried to meddle or pry into our relationship. I guess weddings do bring out the worst in everyone, including parents LOL.

edited for clarification.

I just laugh at the bolded in reference to the shoes and am imagining this tirade:

"After EVERYTHING we've done for you, you won't even give US! the choice of a flat or metallic color?! You spoiled, selfish brat! All everyone is going to care about is how closely the color of your bridesmaids' shoes match!! We don't give a schitt that they are the same color family! They AREN'T THE SAME!!!"

Tell them they're being silly and if all they're worried about is tone of someoneelse's shoes (because that's basically the difference between nude and gold) then they are REALLY lucky

efmcc67 · July 2013

No one notices bridesmaids' shoes. No one.

grumbledore · July 2013

"My bridesmaids will wear what they want, they are people, not props. Kthxbye."

KDM323 · July 2013

I'd completely avoid the topic/conversation about this subject with your parents.

Next time they bring up shoes, BM dresses, etc...just say "You know, I can't remember, I'll have to ask Suzie" and then change the topic.

It isn't worth a fight/power struggle with them...and I wouldn't dictate specific shoes, etc. to the bridesmaids either.

annathy03 · July 2013

My initial response I didn't realize you've given in on things to your parents before (ESP them doubling guest list you're paying to host- that blows my mind a little), I've changed my stance knowing some of the other concessions you've made. I like the idea of asking about the shoes at the last 3 weddings they've attended. I was a guest at a wedding this weekend and I can tell you the BMs dresses were dark blue, but I have no clue what the shoes looked like, and that wedding was only 2 days ago.

phira · July 2013

Liatris2010 said:

Gold or nude will both look fine together. A guest at our wedding wore a kelly green dress and nude shoes, it looked great. Tell your parents there is no need for the bridesmaids to match each other. They are people, not wedding props. No one's marriage was ruined because the bridesmaids wore different colored shoes.

I mean, pretty much exactly this.

My grandmother was showing us her wedding album a few months ago. All her bridesmaids were wearing matching dresses and hairstyles and shoes. Except one bridesmaid, who was wearing black pumps. My grandmother never noticed once in 59 years; my sister had to point it out. My grandmother thought it was very, very funny.

I can't remember the bridesmaids shoes at ANY wedding I've ever been to.

harper0813 · July 2013

Weddings can bring out the crazy in some parents. It has in mine, unfortunately. Just limit wedding talk with them, and ask your sister to do the same. You should not give up these battles.

BakerMommy · July 2013

I saw pictures of the wedding where all the bridesmaids wore tea length light gray dresses, and completely different colored shoes. One had red, another yellow, another blue, another green. They all showed their individual styles and looked really classy.
I agree with PPs--it's more than a little ridiculous that they supported you so that they'd get to choose bridesmaid shoes. If you need to engage them, say something along the lines of "I appreciate that you did XYZ for me, Mom and Dad. Now I'm an adult and FI and I will make our own decisions. I still love you very much, and I'm thankful you helped put a good head on my shoulders and gave me good decision making skills."

Finally, as the adage goes, no pay, no say. If you are paying for your wedding, you pick how it goes. Don't discuss details with them, just let them know you'll be happy to see them there.

ohmrs2014 · July 2013

Thanks ladies. I definitely feel better now. FI and I were talking about it last night and we agreed that our parents are forgetting that the wedding is what we want and about us and not about them. I'm don't plan on bringing it up, but I know my sister is probably going to. Hopefully the wedding talk can calm down a bit. I think what I am ultimately going to do is ask which color they would prefer to wear on their feet, I know my two BM's have nude shoes already so they will probably opt to wear those so they don't have to buy a new pair, which is awesome. I offered to buy my sister's shoes because the economy has gotten the best of her these past few months, so I might just stick with nude, unless she wants the gold to stand out a bit since she is MOH.

Thanks again ladies!

lmm092667 · August 2013

I am having this same issue with my bridesmaids who all want different shoes. They can wear any shoe they want the other 364 days that year. For one day would it kill them to wear a certain shoe that coordinates perfectly with the dress? Too much to ask? Really? If they wanted to choose their own dress and shoes then perhaps they shouldn't have accepted the honor of being in the wedding party? Being a bridesmaid isn't about showing your own individuality that day. That day is reserved for the vision that the bride and groom have for THEIR wedding. I have one bridesmaid that I know, left to her devices, would wear 5 inch stiletto stripper shoes. That's not quite what I had in mind for my wedding day.

itzMS · August 2013

lmm092667 said:

I am having this same issue with my bridesmaids who all want different shoes. They can wear any shoe they want the other 364 days that year. For one day would it kill them to wear a certain shoe that coordinates perfectly with the dress? Too much to ask? Really? If they wanted to choose their own dress and shoes then perhaps they shouldn't have accepted the honor of being in the wedding party? Being a bridesmaid isn't about showing your own individuality that day. That day is reserved for the vision that the bride and groom have for THEIR wedding. I have one bridesmaid that I know, left to her devices, would wear 5 inch stiletto stripper shoes. That's not quite what I had in mind for my wedding day.

@lmm092667 Sorry, your opinion is very skewed.

If you want matching shoes for your bridesmaids, you 100% must pay for them.

Otherwise, let them wear any shoe of their choosing in a neutral color. (Black, silver, gold, nude)

Honestly, why would you dictate a specific shoe? I recently broke my foot and have to wear flats...would you kick me out of your wedding because of that?

NerdyLucy · August 2013

lmm092667 said:

I am having this same issue with my bridesmaids who all want different shoes. They can wear any shoe they want the other 364 days that year. For one day would it kill them to wear a certain shoe that coordinates perfectly with the dress? Too much to ask? Really? If they wanted to choose their own dress and shoes then perhaps they shouldn't have accepted the honor of being in the wedding party? Being a bridesmaid isn't about showing your own individuality that day. That day is reserved for the vision that the bride and groom have for THEIR wedding. I have one bridesmaid that I know, left to her devices, would wear 5 inch stiletto stripper shoes. That's not quite what I had in mind for my wedding day.

Really?

Well, it's not a problem as long as you're funding it.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

@lmm092667 - I hope you don't say this to your BMs and you're talking off the cuff here. It's really condescending and very "me, me, ME!!!!" If you do want them to wear the same shoes, I would just quietly pay for them (none of the "well, I if I don't dictate this, I know you'll look like a stripper!"). Just say, "I'd love to pay for everyone's shoes. Here's what I picked out. Are they ok? Great, what's your size? I'll have them shipped to you."

I bought my BMs' shoes. I also bought them flip flops and let them know if the shoes weren't comfortable to ditch them after the ceremony and wear whatever they wanted.

lmm092667 · August 2013

Yes it is very me, me, me... It is, afterall, my wedding.

lmm092667 · August 2013

Why would I fund it? When you accept the honor of being bridesmaid you realize you will have some financial obligations. I found the cheapest dress I could that they liked and I would find them shoes that would be affordable.

FizzySips · August 2013

lmm092667 said:

Yes it is very me, me, me... It is, afterall, my wedding.

As long as YOU pay for the shoes then there is no problem (etiquette-wise). But some may have an issue with you treating your closest friends like props for the sake of some pictures.

lmm092667 · August 2013

to: itzMS. How can an opinon be skewed? It is an opinion therefore, there is no right or wrong. It is my opinion and I am entitled to that.

lmm092667 · August 2013

To: southernbelle0915 - I am getting them all flip flops to wear once the pics are done. I don't expect them to wear their shoes all night. I'm not planning to wear mine all night

lmm092667 · August 2013

"Honestly, why would you dictate a specific shoe? I recently broke my foot and have to wear flats...would you kick me out of your wedding because of that?" I would dictate a specific shoe just as I did a dress. Obv my vision isn't a bunch of bridesmaids that look different. Bridesmaids should be, in MY opinion, a cohesive unit. It's not the day for them to express their individuality. I have seen weddings that are like that and I honestly don't like them. So do I let them pick out their own flowers too? I want my bridesmaids to match. I don't see that as being a crazy idea. It's a rather new concept to have them look different. I am very traditional. also if one of my bridesmaids had to wear flats due to an injury of course I would let them.

itzMS · August 2013

alisonmarie658 said:

@lmm092667 -- the only requirements of a bridesmaid is to wear the proper DRESS and to show up on time. Everything else is a fake requirement thought up by the bridal industry to make more money which you are clearly buying into. Do you really want everyone to look like cookie cutter bridesmaids in shoes they will never wear again?

Agreed with this.

@lmm092667 You are HONORING your friends by having them in your wedding. It's not YOUR day.

You didn't answer my question though. I'm unable to wear certain shoes. Would you kick me out of your wedding if I physically can't wear the matching shoes?

NerdyLucy · August 2013

lmm092667 said:

I want my bridesmaids to match. I don't see that as being a crazy idea. It's a rather new concept to have them look different. I am very traditional.

I don't think it's a crazy idea, but if you have a request that goes beyond what is the bare requirement, you fund it.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

lmm092667 said:

"Honestly, why would you dictate a specific shoe? I recently broke my foot and have to wear flats...would you kick me out of your wedding because of that?" I would dictate a specific shoe just as I did a dress. Obv my vision isn't a bunch of bridesmaids that look different. Bridesmaids should be, in MY opinion, a cohesive unit. It's not the day for them to express their individuality. I have seen weddings that are like that and I honestly don't like them. So do I let them pick out their own flowers too? I want my bridesmaids to match. I don't see that as being a crazy idea. It's a rather new concept to have them look different. I am a tradionalist

It's totally cool that you're a traditionalist. It's fine if you want them to wear the same dress - absolutely, when BMs agree to be in a wedding, they know they're going to buy a dress (in their budget I might add). If they all wear exactly the same dress, they will match. Mission accomplished. If you want them to match outside of that (shoes, jewelry, hair, nails, other accessories) YOU pay for it.

I'm concerned with the "Yes it's very me, me me... it is, afterall, my wedding." Of course it is. If you want to dictate attire outside the dress, you need to be prepared for two things:

1) to pay for it if that's how you want it. No pay, no say - like anything else in wedding planning; and

2) for the BMs to say "sorry, I'm really not comfortable wearing those shoes/that jewelry/that purse/etc." Yes - GASP! - they can say no to the high and mighty it's-MY-day-bride! They don't need to provide you with a reason, either. It would be rude of you to require an explanation. It could be a physical disability or something else. Either way, what's more important? A pair of shoes or your best friend standing next to you when you say I do. If it's the shoes, I wouldn't want to be your friend for long.

arrippa · August 2013

lmm092667 said:

Yes it is very me, me, me... It is, afterall, my wedding.

When you invite other people to "your" day it stops being "your" day.

Etiquette on Bridesmaids and their Attire

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