Assuming People Won't Come

tinambride · July 2013

So we're sorting out the guest list. My parents are generously paying for a large part of the wedding. FI and I are paying for a part of it. FILs have offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner.

We have requested guest lists from both sets of parents. FILs have included a large number of extended family (about 30 people) who they claim will absolutely NOT come, but they feel they should invite. These guests live about 10 hours away and I have never met them, FI has only met some of them. I'm personally not comfortable inviting people with the assumption that they won't come, but FMIL is very insistent. Our space and budget is limited and I can see this getting quickly out of control. Am I just being paranoid? Should I trust her that these people will be "no's" and just go with it. I don't want to ruffle feathers but I also don't want to end up paying for a large number of unexpected guests. Thoughts?

harper0813 · July 2013

Are your FILs contributing to the wedding financially? Does FI want to invite them? We had this same issue and I deeply regret not pushing back - my FI did not want to waste spots on relatives even he didn't know (parents' cousins' widows, great great aunts, cousins who do not speak to anyone in the family and have said they're not going to bother RSVPing) but FMIL was extremely insistent. They are paying for the bar. We cut out a lot of friends for these relatives, many of whom did end up RSVPing yes. We're pretty disappointed in ourselves. Talk to FI and see what page he's on and if it's the same as yours.

SMarie89 · July 2013

No. Do not do this. There is a thread literally three posts down on the Etiquette page called "Let this be a lesson or a warning for over inviting." In that thread there is a link to a bride's story where the bride and groom assumed x-amount of people wouldn't come so they over invited. Now they are having to pay damn near $10k to pay for the all of the extra people.

bethsmiles · July 2013

Don't invite people assuming they won't come. People can always surprise you. This isn't something I would give in on. Have your FI handle the issue with his parents.

MayDay513 · July 2013

My MIL tried to tell me that 20% would decline. Seriously, it was 20% my ass. We had 10 people decline. If we listened to her we would have be screwed, like gone right over the venue capacity. Don't over invite.

tinambride · July 2013

Thanks for the feedback. You're just confirming what I already felt. I'll have FI push back a little more as we discuss the guest lists.

Jen4948 · July 2013

Tell your FMIL together with your FI, "No. We will not invite people on the assumption that they won't come. If they're on the guest list, etiquette requires us to assume that they may come and plan accordingly. If the idea here is to notify these people that we're getting married, then we'll send announcements after the wedding."

Hopefully the idea is not that they'll give you gifts.

tinambride · July 2013

Of course the idea isn't to get gifts. I find it odd that people always assume that on this board. Not everybody puts that much thought into getting an extra blender.

PixeKat86 · July 2013

We are sending invites to grandparents who we know will absolutely not come. They have health issues and would be unable to fly to the wedding, but we still want them to have an invitation. I think that is the only acceptable time to send and invite to people you know won't come, and it's only 4 people. We would love for them to be there but know they can't. Otherwise I don't think you need to send courtesy invites. Especially if it will put you over budget/space capacity if they decide they do want to come.

LyannaStark · July 2013

alisonmarie658 said:

Liatris2010 said:

No. Do not over invite. Those 30 people might be itching for a family reunion and make the drive to catch up. If FI has never met them, they don't need to be invited. He needs to tell his parents as much.

This happens a lot more than you might think. My FFIL is one of 10 brothers and sisters and there are 40 people invited from that side of the family. Weddings are the only time they can all get together so they all come.

This is happening to me RIGHT FREAKING NOW. Cousin Whatsisname hasn't been home for a visit in awhile, so hey, perfect opportunity! Aunt Crazypants really is going to drive all the way down from BFE! I swear, even if they live in Japan and have polio or something, assume they're coming.

Yes, the best way is to get the guest list down to what you want, but I understand feeling obligated to include people that are important to your parents. I ended up cutting my friends list down a lot to make room for Aunt Crazypants et al. Picking battles. But that's just me - no reason at all you can't pick the hell out of this battle and just say "if we haven't seen them in ten years they don't get an invite" or some other arbitrary cutoff that will hopefully make everybody happy.

phira · July 2013

Count me in with the previous posters. I've had to remind my partner multiple times that we are not wasting any money or space on "courtesy invitations."

There are two ways it ends up biting you in the ass. If you assume they'll RSVP no and you over-invite to avoid B-listing, of COURSE they'll show up. If you try to avoid over-inviting and cut friends and family you WANT to invite, then either way, you're losing out on people you want just to avoid offending people you're hoping will say no.

Stand firm: NO COURTESY INVITES. Anyone who gives you crap about not inviting them gets a firm but polite, "We're so sorry we couldn't afford to invite you. We hope we can see you another time to catch up."

KDM323 · July 2013

PixeKat86 said:

We are sending invites to grandparents who we know will absolutely not come. They have health issues and would be unable to fly to the wedding, but we still want them to have an invitation. I think that is the only acceptable time to send and invite to people you know won't come, and it's only 4 people. We would love for them to be there but know they can't. Otherwise I don't think you need to send courtesy invites. Especially if it will put you over budget/space capacity if they decide they do want to come.

I'm doing this with 2 Aunts. If they somehow, by some miracle grace of God himself, were able to make it...I'd be over joyed.

But...for us, it is 4 people (if they had a kid bring them) and I'd LOVE for them to attend if they physically could.

Otherwise do NOT do this. It can really turn out bad.

ETA: spelling

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

We had exactly the same scenario. My parents and H and I paid for the wedding. FI's parents offered to host the RD.

We had already invited all the important people from H's side that H wanted to invite - all close family (even some extended), family friends, etc. H's parents sent us a list of over 50 additional people and told us they had "already invited" some of them verbally. Rude. They said these people "probably won't come", but might send us a gift anyway (barf) and that they "expected them to receive an invitation". Rude. It was all kinds of randoms neither of us had ever met or FI had not seen/spoken to in over 10 years - neighbors, distant relatives, estranged relatives, his dad's secretary, his mom's walking buddy and her daughter (we didn't have children at the wedding), etc.

We gave them a certain number of additional slots out of courtesy (not required by etiquette but a nice gesture, we thought) and told them to fill the slots however they wanted. We told them we had already chosen a venue with capacity restrictions, that we would plan on nothing but 100% attendance and that hosting these extra folks was not in the budget that included contributions from my parents and ourselves.

They asked us how we were going to handle the people they had already invited verbally. H let them know they would have to correct any errors on their behalf. Again, they were not pleased, but it was a problem they created for themselves. Not ours to fix.

People get excited about weddings - especially the parents of the couple getting married. They want to tell everyone and they want to involve everyone. I think sometimes etiquette gets lost in the excitement. I also don't think some people understand how much weddings cost and they don't think extra people is a big deal. Either way, it's rude for anyone to assume they can invite people to a party they aren't hosting.

wmam35 · July 2013

I couldn't agree more with the other posters - do not over invite! I am getting married Saturday (sorry, I'm so excited I just can't stop mentioning it!) and our venue can hold a maximum of 150 people - we invited 156 people thinking that some people would say no because FMIL and my mom said they wouldn't come. We ended up stressing right until the day the response cards were due because the no's were just not coming! (Not that we necessarily didn't want to have these people at our wedding, but we were also hoping to not fill the place to capacity) Luckily everything worked out and we did not go over capacity, but don't take that chance!!

decembergrl2014 · July 2013

Here's my question: if your FMIL knows they definitely won't come, then why send them an invitation? Why won't an announcement be enough? I agree with the other posters, that your FI needs to talk to his parents about this. Wedding planning is stressful enough without adding over inviting to the list.

phira · July 2013

Summerwed2014 said:

Here's my question: if your FMIL knows they definitely won't come, then why send them an invitation? Why won't an announcement be enough? I agree with the other posters, that your FI needs to talk to his parents about this. Wedding planning is stressful enough without adding over inviting to the list.

A lot of people think it's a nice gesture to invite people like that. Like, "Well, they won't come but they'll be upset that they weren't invited!" I understand where that comes from, but these days, so many couples are paying for their own weddings, and are on serious budgets.

delujm0 · July 2013

This exact same thing is happening to me. On FMIL's list, there were about 30 people highlighted who "probably won't come." My ENTIRE family list is only 30 people! Now, she does have reason to think they won't come, seeing as 90% of them live about a 2 hour drive from where FI's sister got married 3 years ago and they didn't show up for that - and we are getting married an 8+ hour drive or plane ride away. We did get her to agree to axe 2 couples. But fortunately, we are inviting only up to the maximum our venue can hold, and FMIL would have no issue providing funds to cover reception costs if everyone randomly decides to come, so we let it go and accepted it. When she did agree to axe a few people, FI's dad was like "if we know they won't come, why do we have to bother sending an invitation?" but apparently she feels strongly that if they were invited to FSIL's wedding, they should be invited to this one. Sigh. Seeing as FI couldn't tell me by looking at their formal names (Mr. and Mrs. Random Relative) who half of them even were, it is irksome at best.

charthan · August 2013

Definitely don't trust it! My FI assured me that his family from GA would not make the trip to MN for our wedding and now 3 weeks from the wedding almost 95% of the people we invited are coming...YIKES! It's cool that they are coming, but getting more expensive all the time!

sarahdiana · August 2013

I ran into the same situation with my FMIL. She had a list of extended family and friends (also around 30 people) that she said would definitely not come. I sent them invites and from about 90% of them, I got declines. The other 10% just didn't reply. Most of them were people too old to travel, but FMIL thought it would be rude not to invite them. I am not worried at all about any of them showing up. If you are worried at all, just talk with your FMIL and make sure they will not be coming.

amorrison340 · August 2013

Air on the side of safety. Don't over invite, you can't take them back if you get into a tight spot! Some of this "we have to invite them" stuff happened with my mom. Basically, it boiled down to her feeling guilty about losing touch with family. Talk it out, this might be the same for them. Don't let guilt dictate your guest list!

phira · August 2013

delujm0 said:

This exact same thing is happening to me. On FMIL's list, there were about 30 people highlighted who "probably won't come." My ENTIRE family list is only 30 people! Now, she does have reason to think they won't come, seeing as 90% of them live about a 2 hour drive from where FI's sister got married 3 years ago and they didn't show up for that - and we are getting married an 8+ hour drive or plane ride away. We did get her to agree to axe 2 couples. But fortunately, we are inviting only up to the maximum our venue can hold, and FMIL would have no issue providing funds to cover reception costs if everyone randomly decides to come, so we let it go and accepted it. When she did agree to axe a few people, FI's dad was like "if we know they won't come, why do we have to bother sending an invitation?" but apparently she feels strongly that if they were invited to FSIL's wedding, they should be invited to this one. Sigh. Seeing as FI couldn't tell me by looking at their formal names (Mr. and Mrs. Random Relative) who half of them even were, it is irksome at best.

(Emphasis added)

Yeah, that's REALLY annoying. I can sort of see where she's coming from. These relatives have the same standing with your future sister-in-law as they do with your fiance, so if they were invited to one, they "should" be invited to both.

However, that mentality doesn't take into account that a lot of people pay for the own weddings and/or have a very limited budget. My brother's wedding was pretty huge (at least 250 people), and my cousin's upcoming wedding will be as well (350). There are going to be PLENTY of family members and family friends that they could/can invite that I won't be able to. I'm not gonna send courtesy invitations to those people.

Anyway, just saying UGH sorry about your future mother-in-law making you courtesy invite people, sorry

jcrmc · August 2013

If you are allowing your FILs to invite people, they should be told how many they can invite - no more than that number. If they are given, say, 50 people to invite, those 30 that MUST BE INVITED come out of that 50. And be very plain that you will NOT b-list anyone, either.

Clpapke83 · August 2013

Since FIL is saying those people will not come, talk to your FIL and see if you could send wedding announcements after the wedding that way they still know, but you will not go over budget.

mrskrissaunders · August 2013

My FMIL wanted to invite people and was not contributing to the financials as much as my parents. We advised her that we are budgeted to pay for 150 people (our venue is maxed at 175) and that if any others needed to be added that we would not invite over the 175 and that those people she would have to pay for. She did not ask any of those extra people I've learned thru all of our planning is talk to your fiancee about all of this - Ive been amazed at how much my fiancee has sided with me and not his parents on stuff (especially the guest list).

krizzo17 · August 2013

My MIL insisted that less than half of her invited list would come, but H and I put our collective foot down anyway and refused to invite people who lived locally but I had never met in the 5+ years we had been together. Well, that still left about 20 people who "definitely wouldn't come", and every last one of them did. People like weddings to go to weddings, they will come. End of story.

elsa skufca · August 2013

Trust me, do what YOU want. Everything is will be a nightmare.

amorrison340 · August 2013

Quick update - just got my very first RSVP back and it was from someone my parents assured me would not come. Guess what, he's coming! Just an example of this issue in real time

HisGirlFriday13 · August 2013

phira said:

delujm0 said:

This exact same thing is happening to me. On FMIL's list, there were about 30 people highlighted who "probably won't come." My ENTIRE family list is only 30 people! Now, she does have reason to think they won't come, seeing as 90% of them live about a 2 hour drive from where FI's sister got married 3 years ago and they didn't show up for that - and we are getting married an 8+ hour drive or plane ride away. We did get her to agree to axe 2 couples. But fortunately, we are inviting only up to the maximum our venue can hold, and FMIL would have no issue providing funds to cover reception costs if everyone randomly decides to come, so we let it go and accepted it. When she did agree to axe a few people, FI's dad was like "if we know they won't come, why do we have to bother sending an invitation?" but apparently she feels strongly that if they were invited to FSIL's wedding, they should be invited to this one. Sigh. Seeing as FI couldn't tell me by looking at their formal names (Mr. and Mrs. Random Relative) who half of them even were, it is irksome at best.

(Emphasis added)

Yeah, that's REALLY annoying. I can sort of see where she's coming from. These relatives have the same standing with your future sister-in-law as they do with your fiance, so if they were invited to one, they "should" be invited to both.

However, that mentality doesn't take into account that a lot of people pay for the own weddings and/or have a very limited budget. My brother's wedding was pretty huge (at least 250 people), and my cousin's upcoming wedding will be as well (350). There are going to be PLENTY of family members and family friends that they could/can invite that I won't be able to. I'm not gonna send courtesy invitations to those people.

Anyway, just saying UGH sorry about your future mother-in-law making you courtesy invite people, sorry

I'm not sure I agree with that, although I see your point. I am much closer to some of my cousins than my brother is, and vice-versa. He got married last summer and invited only the cousins he's close to; I'm getting married in October and inviting only the cousins I'm close to. I agree that they're all related equally, but I don't think a degree of relation necessitates an invitation, although I can see where you and the poster's FMIL think so.

I have a few "probably won't come" invites on my list, all of whom are people added by my mother. But my parents are helping to pay for the reception, and even if we have 100% attendance (which we know we won't, since people told us when our STDates went out that they couldn't come), we'll be fine in terms of budget and venue capacity.

We have been planning, since Day 1, on 100 percent attendance, because I've heard too many horror stories about over-inviting and people adding guests and whatnot. I cannot emphasize enough that the idea of "oh, they won't come, but invite them anyway" is a rubbish idea. Those people will mortgage their cat, steal an airplane, and be there.

heathertims · August 2013

We invited over 200 people. FI was insistent that we invite his entire family (all aunts and uncles, all cousins). I tried to fight him on it, but it was no use. We ended up inviting 95 from his side of the family. Every one was OOT. None closer than a 5 hour drive. 57 of them declined. We are at about 140 people, which is a good number for us. Had they all gone, it would be a bit of a nightmare. I'm glad it worked out, but it could have been bad.

Ours is always a friday wedding, so im sure it played a part/

Adeva312 · August 2013

Why are you requesting guest lists from both your parents and your in laws' to add to your guest list? My Fiance and I are doing our guest list on our own. If it is etiquette to allow your parents to invite people, then oops.

Legu · August 2013

Definitely just read a comment about someone who will mortgage the cat to be able to come.

That there's a comment full of win

Personally, I wouldn't invite anyone who already said they can't come... I see it as gift-grabby...
That's just me personally though.

Assuming People Won't Come

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