HELP!!! How Do We Notify Guests Wedding Has Been Decreased To "Family Only?"

sweeksy · July 2013

Due to my mother's recent cancer diagnosis, we have decided to decrease the number of wedding guests to family only to help with cost. The only problem with this is we have already sent out our save-the-dates to our 350 guests. What is a cute/witty way of notifying our guests of this so that nobody thinks anything "wrong" has happened? We are not yet ready to announce my mother's diagnosis to the world. Note: our wedding is in October....

annathy03 · July 2013

From other posts I've read here the only way to do this tactfully is to change your wedding date. Send cards to your save the date recipients saying "the wedding of sweeksy and FI will not take place as planned" and send them ASAP. Then send invites to family for a new date. It's always rude to uninvite, but canceling and rescheduling with a smaller group is accepted. ETA: random capital letter

AprilH81 · July 2013

I would send an announcement saying the event has been cancelled (no reason needed). After the family only ceremony you can send out a wedding announcement to those friends and extended family who were not invited to the smaller ceremony.

I don't think that breaks any etiquette rules.

misssunshine17 · July 2013

There is no cute or witty way, so get that out of your head.

Print cards that say "The wedding of X & Y will not take place as planned." and send them, like, tomorrow.

Have people bought airlines? I think you should include them or refund them lost money from cancelling their flights.

sweeksy · July 2013

Everyone who is flying in will remain on the guest list (family).

itzMS · July 2013

sweeksy said:

Everyone who is flying in will remain on the guest list (family).

If your wedding is in like 2.5 months...hasn't most everything been paid for already?

Can you and your FI contribute to some of the costs?

sweeksy · July 2013

We can save my parents $12,000-$16,000 if we cut back on guest list by 150-200 people. The more we cut back, the better my mother's stress level will be, which is my main concern at this point.

sweeksy · July 2013

We already are paying for the band and photographer

AprilH81 · July 2013

Oh wow.. I assumed you were changing the date which would make my previous suggestion acceptable.

If you are keeping the original date you can't "uninvite" people who have save the dates. You need to look at changing the time of the wedding to a non-meal time or changing the menu to less expensive items. Cut back on flowers and any other item that isn't under contract.

Jen4948 · July 2013

This cannot be done in a "cute" and "witty" way (which, considering why you feel the need to do this, would be incredibly out of place because something "wrong" did happen!).

If you send anything, word it, "The wedding of sweeksy and FI will not take place."

itzMS · July 2013

sweeksy said:

We can save my parents $12,000-$16,000 if we cut back on guest list by 150-200 people. The more we cut back, the better my mother's stress level will be, which is my main concern at this point.

Are your parents aware that you WILL have some declines? Not all 350 people will attend. While you always plan for 100%...it's highly unlikely with that large of a guest list.

I think you just need to move forward as planned. Change your meal options to something less expensive. Change your bar package from full open to beer and wine only (or even a dry wedding).

A friend of mine "uninvited" a bunch of people to her wedding, and that did not go over well.

I'm sorry your mom is stressed.

tinambride · July 2013

This is a difficult one. I just want to point out that whatever you decide, make sure you discuss it with your parents before you do anything. They may have their own thoughts on the situation. Whatever you decide to do, this needs to be a family decision.

SMarie89 · July 2013

tinambride said:

This is a difficult one. I just want to point out that whatever you decide, make sure you discuss it with your parents before you do anything. They may have their own thoughts on the situation. Whatever you decide to do, this needs to be a family decision.

I agree with this. Also, I am so sorry to hear about your mother's diagnosis. I think you need to have a discussion with your family ASAP as to how you're going to proceed with this. Send out whatever notice you decide on the very next day because you need to notify your guests ASAP.

I agree with PP's, too, that you may want to just cut back on things that you originally planned on splurging on. Have a dry wedding. Change your meal options to something more affordable. Get rid of centerpieces, favors, a photo booth, the band or other non-essential things. There are ways of making it work that don't involve uninviting guests.

LavenderHoneyBee · July 2013

Their is no proper, or witty/cute way to do this.

If you cannot change the time/meal or cut back costs, and absolutely must cut guests - I feel like you should be honest and upfront with those you are essentially uninviting. You can just say "We would have loved to have shared our wedding day with you, but due to current circumstances we will no longer be inviting non-family. Thank you for your support during this time."

This is still not proper, and breaks all types of rules. But, I think mom having cancer trumps rules.

PrimRoseMama · July 2013

Sorry, there isn't a polite way to do this. Forget witty and cute. I would go through with the plans. I'm sorry about your Mom's cancer diagnosis, but at this point other cuts will have to be made to accommodate saving money. I understand circumstances have changed, but there is no way to do this without offending a sizable amount of people who have already made plans to attend your event.

annathy03 · July 2013

If you can't change the date you need to change the cost of the event in other ways- have it at a nonmeal time and serve apps, scale back decor, cut alcohol options down or out, etc. There is no tasteful way to uninvite guests who have gotten a save the date.

phira · July 2013

I think this is one of the cases where not everyone who gets a save-the-date is getting an invitation. There's no cute or witty way to handle this (why would you WANT it to be cute and witty?!).

I would sit down with your fiance and decide, right now, who you're taking off the guest list. Every single person needs to get a notification that they don't need to save the date anymore. Do not email anyone--call or mail.

Something like @LavenderHoneyBee said would be appropriate. "[Mother] has been diagnosed with cancer. Because of this unexpected and devastating occurrence, we will no longer be able to afford the wedding we planned. We're sorry that we won't be able to share our wedding day with you, but we hope you'll understand."

itzMS · July 2013

phira said:

I think this is one of the cases where not everyone who gets a save-the-date is getting an invitation. There's no cute or witty way to handle this (why would you WANT it to be cute and witty?!).

I would sit down with your fiance and decide, right now, who you're taking off the guest list. Every single person needs to get a notification that they don't need to save the date anymore. Do not email anyone--call or mail.

Something like @LavenderHoneyBee said would be appropriate. "[Mother] has been diagnosed with cancer. Because of this unexpected and devastating occurrence, we will no longer be able to afford the wedding we planned. We're sorry that we won't be able to share our wedding day with you, but we hope you'll understand."

Sorry, the bolded just won't work...no matter what the scenario unless you cancel the wedding. Many guests make travel plans based on STDs. It's very rude this close to invitations going out to now exclude them from the the guest list.

The OP has stated that her mother is not ready to announce her cancer diagnosis.

annathy03 · July 2013

phira said:

I think this is one of the cases where not everyone who gets a save-the-date is getting an invitation. There's no cute or witty way to handle this (why would you WANT it to be cute and witty?!).

I would sit down with your fiance and decide, right now, who you're taking off the guest list. Every single person needs to get a notification that they don't need to save the date anymore. Do not email anyone--call or mail.

Something like @LavenderHoneyBee said would be appropriate. "[Mother] has been diagnosed with cancer. Because of this unexpected and devastating occurrence, we will no longer be able to afford the wedding we planned. We're sorry that we won't be able to share our wedding day with you, but we hope you'll understand."

The problem with this is OP stated they aren't planning to tell people about her mothers diagnosis. If I got a call like this I would completely understand and not side-eye at all, because as you said it is a devastating revelation. But if they aren't telling anyone the reason it just looks like they planned poorly and are being really tacky and rude.

OP this is horrible and I'm very sorry you are going through this, but there isn't a good way to uninvite people without sharing the reason which is why I'd recommend changing the date or scaling back food/drink/decor.

KDM323 · July 2013

sweeksy said:

We can save my parents $12,000-$16,000 if we cut back on guest list by 150-200 people. The more we cut back, the better my mother's stress level will be, which is my main concern at this point.

Your have 350 original guests.
You want to cut back to 150-200 people?

There is NO acceptable way to do this. NONE.

This isn't like you are going from a BIG wedding to a small, intimate affair with just your immediate family in your mother's back yard...if you are still having 150-200 people at your wedding, you are still having a LARGE wedding.

What you NEED to do is find a way to cut your wedding costs without cutting your invited guest list.

Please don't use your mother's cancer as an excuse for this. Your original post made it sound like you were taking this down to a small, intimate event. That's not what you want to do...you want to still have a BIG wedding and use your Mother's cancer as the reason to be impolite and rude to 150-200 people.

NYCMercedes · July 2013

@misssunshine17 is correct. "The wedding of X and Y will not take place as planned." No further explanation is needed. Enjoy your newly planned small wedding and condolences to you on you mom's illness.

ok, eta, I just realized than you aren't going down to fifty or fewer people. To go from 350 to 150 is impossible. There will be the same amount of stress on your mom. Other posters are spot on.

PrimRoseMama · July 2013

Sorry, there isn't a polite way to do this. Forget witty and cute. I would go through with the plans. I'm sorry about your Mom's cancer diagnosis, but at this point other cuts will have to be made to accommodate saving money. I understand circumstances have changed, but there is no way to do this without offending a sizable amount of people who have already made plans to attend your event.

PrimRoseMama · July 2013

Either cancel, pay for it yourselves, or offer to reimburse your parents for it over time. You can also offer to help finance your mom's cancer treatments.

lennonkdc · July 2013

Option A) Send cards to everyone saying "The wedding of x and y will not take place as planned", talk to your vendors, see if you can switch dates or move up the time. Have immediate family (read parents/grandparents/siblings) witness private ceremony and reception on new date or time

Option

Don't un-invite anyone, scale way the hell back, be grateful that people love you and your FI and want to celebrate with you.

Option C) Un-invite some guests, have lavish wedding, lose friends and have people learn how rude you are.

I'm sorry about your mother and her diagnosis, my prayers are with your family.

margaretskye · July 2013

The PPs are right - there isn't a polite/proper way to do this. But in my opinion, your mom's cancer is far more important than wedding etiquette and I think you should just send out a notice to the "uninvitees" that due to extenuating circumstances the wedding will not continue as planned. I would recommend calling the guests that you are uninviting and explaining the situation. I'm sure people will be understanding.

SMarie89 · July 2013

drexelkathy said:

sweeksy said:

We can save my parents $12,000-$16,000 if we cut back on guest list by 150-200 people. The more we cut back, the better my mother's stress level will be, which is my main concern at this point.

Your have 350 original guests.
You want to cut back to 150-200 people?

There is NO acceptable way to do this. NONE.

This isn't like you are going from a BIG wedding to a small, intimate affair with just your immediate family in your mother's back yard...if you are still having 150-200 people at your wedding, you are still having a LARGE wedding.

What you NEED to do is find a way to cut your wedding costs without cutting your invited guest list.

Please don't use your mother's cancer as an excuse for this. Your original post made it sound like you were taking this down to a small, intimate event. That's not what you want to do...you want to still have a BIG wedding and use your Mother's cancer as the reason to be impolite and rude to 150-200 people.

This. I am really sorry that your mom is going through this. But you cannot cut your guest list down 150-200 people (and even then you'd still have 150-200 people remaining on your guest list!) That is not a small, family-only wedding. I also feel like you're trying to use your mother's recent diagnosis as an excuse to not invite people. I am all for sparing your mother any kind of stress - but you need to get your priorities straight. If you're concerned about your mother's stress in regards to finances - you have three choices: 1.) Cancel the wedding all together and elope; 2.) Cancel and reschedule the wedding for a different time with family only; or 3.) Keep your original guest list, and scale back on food/alcohol/decor/non-essential items.

RamonaFlowers · July 2013

First off, I'm very sorry about your mother. And if she wants her diagnosis kept under wraps for the time being, that's fine.

That being said, the only way you can justify cutting the guest list after sending out 350 save-the-dates at this point claiming you want a "more intimate/less stressful" affair and not look bad would be if you were cutting it down to 30 people tops. 150-200 people is still a large (and stressful) wedding, and having that many guests is just a slap in the face to the 100+ people that you now plan to exclude.

phira · July 2013

Ah, thanks, I missed that her mother isn't ready to go public with the diagnosis.

Would it be canceling the wedding if they cancel it, and then "reschedule" for the same day? It doesn't sound like the OP is planning on changing the details in terms of time and place, and just reducing the guest list.

"The wedding will not go forward as planned" is a kind of vague way of saying canceled without actually canceling, I guess.

cheapbrideincentpa · July 2013

margaretskye said:

The PPs are right - there isn't a polite/proper way to do this. But in my opinion, your mom's cancer is far more important than wedding etiquette and I think you should just send out a notice to the "uninvitees" that due to extenuating circumstances the wedding will not continue as planned. I would recommend calling the guests that you are uninviting and explaining the situation. I'm sure people will be understanding.

This- uninvite, if you decide to tell them later, I am sure they will understand. Things happen, your mom's life/health is far more important than some hurt feelings.

crunchymamaof2 · July 2013

I'm very sorry about your mother. No one should have to endure that.

That said, I really don't understand how going from 350 guests to 150 guests would be less stressful for your mom. If its because she needs that money for treatment, that's understandable. But in that case you need to seriously cancel everything and just have an intimate (20-30 people MAX) wedding that day. This may mean eating some deposits. But that's a risk you take.

You need to sit down with your mother and find out what specifically is causing her stress and how she'd like to proceed. If it's money then cut back as much as possible if canceling is out of the question. Or pay for things yourself. If it's just the wedding itself send your mom to the spa for a day and try to handle everything yourself from here on out. All she should have to do is show up looking fabulous.

Ultimately though, you can't truly uninvited people without offending your nearest and dearest. At least without telling them why. I really think most would understand given the circumstances but if she doesn't want to tell she doesn't have to.

winelover123 · July 2013

You need to cancel the wedding if you want to uninvite people and move it to a different day. You don't have to explain - simply send a card stating that the wedding will not take place as planned. Also, cut down the guest list more (under 100). If I were one of the original guests who got cut and was talking to a guest who made the cut and found out that you still hosted a very large wedding, I'd be pretty damned hurt. If I were talking to a guest and found it you had a much, much smaller wedding than originally planned, I'm not going to side-eye you.

Talk to your vendors - if you explain the situation, they may be more sympathetic to moving the wedding to another month without losing your deposits.

T&Ps to your mom and your family.

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