Premature asking of a Bridesmaid

CClarkson86 · July 2013

Hey all - I got some great advice here last time in regards to our venue choice so I thought I'd come back because I have another dilemma that I'd like some help with.

For some background info... I have a very large family with two brothers, five step-brothers and two step-sisters. My step-sisters are 5-8 years older than me and we did not grow up together. However, our family has grown very close and I have, thus, formed a good relationship with both of them. My one step-sister, Andrea, I am much closer to. The other, Carly, I am not very close to. We have a good relationship but I only talk to her during family functions and we otherwise don't interact much.

Rewind two and a half years ago during a family vacation - we were all drinking and the subject came up of FI and I being married one day. We (FI and I) had been talking about "our future" we were thinking about getting engaged. My family was ecstatic to hear this (they love FI). As we were on the topic, my step-sister Andrea, pulled me aside and said how happy she was and that she thinks FI is perfect for me. We chatted for a bit about her wedding (which was a few years prior... I was BM in her wedding) and I mentioned that I wanted her to be a BM in my wedding. Right as I was saying that, my other step-siser, Carly, overheard what we were talking about and joined in the conversation. For some reason, I drunkenly told Carly I wanted her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding, too. She was excited - but she knows we're not close - so I think she was surprised. We haven't spoken about it since.

Fast forward to now. FI and I are roughly one year out from our wedding. We are trying to figure out our wedding party. So now my question is - was my drunken bridesmaid "proposal" binding? I would be fine with Carly being a bridesmaid and I'd be more than happy to make room for her in the WP. However, she has 18 month old twins and she is newly pregnant with her 3rd child (the baby will be around 5 months when the wedding happens). Knowing her (she's a bit of a helicopter parent) she'd rather watch from afar and be able to devote her time with her new baby and the twins. Also, in all honesty, I have a few really good friends whom I would definitely consider before Carly had I not drunkenly brought up her being a bridesmaid. *please don't think I'm a jackass for saying that*

I really love Carly. Is my drunken proposal binding? Or would it be okay to let her enjoy the wedding as someone not in the WP? Am I a total asshole? Help!

Edited for: spelling

NYCBruin · July 2013

I don't think mentioning to someone that you'd like them in your bridal party before you are planning a wedding counts. At all.

I think you're in the clear on this one.

MayDay513 · July 2013

CClarkson86 said:

Hey all - I got some great advice here last time in regards to our venue choice so I thought I'd come back because I have another dilemma that I'd like some help with.

For some background info... I have a very large family with two brothers, five step-brothers and two step-sisters. My step-sisters are 5-8 years older than me and we did not grow up together. However, our family has grown very close and I have, thus, formed a good relationship with both of them. My one step-sister, Andrea, I am much closer to. The other, Carly, I am not very close to. We have a good relationship but I only talk to her during family functions and we otherwise don't interact much.

Rewind two and a half years ago during a family vacation - we were all drinking and the subject came up of FI and I being married one day. We (FI and I) had been talking about "our future" we were thinking about getting engaged. My family was ecstatic to hear this (they love FI). As we were on the topic, my step-sister Andrea, pulled me aside and said how happy she was and that she thinks FI is perfect for me. We chatted for a bit about her wedding (which was a few years prior... I was BM in her wedding) and I mentioned that I wanted her to be a BM in my wedding. Right as I was saying that, my other step-siser, Carly, overheard what we were talking about and joined in the conversation. For some reason, I drunkenly told Carly I wanted her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding, too. She was excited - but she knows we're not close - so I think she was surprised. We haven't spoken about it since.

Fast forward to now. FI and I are roughly one year out from our wedding. We are trying to figure out our wedding party. So now my question is - was my drunken bridesmaid "proposal" binding? I would be fine with Carly being a bridesmaid and I'd be more than happy to make room for her in the WP. However, she has 18 month old twins and she is newly pregnant with her 3rd child (the baby will be around 5 months when the wedding happens). Knowing her (she's a bit of a helicopter parent) she'd rather watch from afar and be able to devote her time with her new baby and the twins. Also, in all honesty, I have a few really good friends whom I would definitely consider before Carly had I not drunkenly brought up her being a bridesmaid. *please don't think I'm a jackass for saying that*

I really love Carly. Is my drunken proposal binding? Or would be okay to let her enjoy the wedding as someone not in the WP? Am I total asshole? Help!

I would like to think you are off the hook. I know girls talk a lot about that stuff, my girls and I used to do that all the time, and after I got engaged and set my WP some of the girls in our group were like "oh well I'm going to be X's MOH and you can be Y's MOH". I think until you formally ask them, especially after getting engaged its a little different.

astimmel · July 2013

I may be totally wrong here, but a drunkenly asking someone to be a BM 2 1/2 years ago does not qualify as binding. That's my opinion, at least!

CClarkson86 · July 2013

Thanks for all of the feedback - phew! I have seriously been stressing about this. I appreciate your advice. So now I guess my other question is - am I an asshole for only having one step-sister be a BM? Has anyone else tackled this before? -- Only having one sister or one FSIL be a BM? I'm curious. Thanks again, everyone.

NYCBruin · July 2013

CClarkson86 said:

Thanks for all of the feedback - phew! I have seriously been stressing about this. I appreciate your advice. So now I guess my other question is - am I an asshole for only having one step-sister be a BM? Has anyone else tackled this before? -- Only having one sister or one FSIL be a BM? I'm curious. Thanks again, everyone.

I'm a firm believer that your WP should be those closest to you, so I don't think it's weird or mean to only have one sibling/future sibling in-law/step-sibling in the WP.

However, if you were going to have ALL of your siblings except one, then I think that could result in some hurt feelings.

MayDay513 · July 2013

CClarkson86 said:

Thanks for all of the feedback - phew! I have seriously been stressing about this. I appreciate your advice. So now I guess my other question is - am I an asshole for only having one step-sister be a BM? Has anyone else tackled this before? -- Only having one sister or one FSIL be a BM? I'm curious. Thanks again, everyone.

You are not an asshole. Stop saying that.

You can have one sister be in BP and not the other. There is no rule that say you must have all sisters if you have one. You are supposed to pick your nearest and dearest. No one dictates your bridal party except you, not even if your FI has 2 groomsmen and you have 6 bridesmaids.

annathy03 · July 2013

You are completely fine not to have her in your BP. If you want her to be that's fine too, but please please please do not feel like you are obligated to have her in it. Also remember there are other positions of honor if you'd like to include her in another way- one of my friends I always thought would be a bridesmaid I'm asking to do a reading instead bc she is the best public speaker I know.

daveANDkristen · July 2013

When you say "Also, in all honesty, I have a few really good friends whom I would definitely consider before Carly ", don't think that you can't have Carly and your good friends *if* you want to have Carly at all that is. You and your FI do not have to have even sides. I don't think you are bound to having her as a BM, but if your only hesitation is because she has children now, I would probably ask her. You could say that you understand if she would rather be free to sit with her kids at the ceremony. Why don't you wait a few more months before you decide. Give yourself some time to think about it!

PrimRoseMama · July 2013

I do not think its binding. However, if you want to include her in your bridal party then do so.

jcrmc · July 2013

Take my advice - dont ask anyone this far out! I asked my sister to be MOH right away, in Feb. of last year when we got engaged (wedding in 19 days!!!). NOT regretting that at ALL. Asked FIs oldest niece to be BM a week or so later, she said yes...now it honestly feels like she doesnt really want to be in the WP, and only said yes because she was on the spot. We did go dress shopping yesterday, and she seemed more positive towards it, but if I had waited a while, I may only have had my sister stand up with me, and maybe my good male friend as brides attendant.

Dont ask ANYONE until you KNOW who you want to have stand up with you. If you are having a big wedding party, it should be fine to include her even if you arent STOKED about it...my wedding is very small, so we could have just had MOH and BMan only, not a 2ng GM and BM.

Thats just my $0.02

PatriceC59 · July 2013

Siblings and step-siblings can make things hairy. I was a BM in my stepbrother's wedding to my SSIL and that is actually where FI and I met! However, when FI and I got engaged, I was stressing like crazy because although they are my family and I love them, I have other friends that I'm much closer to and I didn't want a huge wedding party.

It was hard, but ultimately, I didn't ask them to be in my wedding party. Instead, SSIL is doing a reading. Remember it's never reciprocal and to be honest, if you're not close with someone, it comes off as obligation. Maybe you can have her do a reading if you still want to include her at all?

Her attendance at your wedding = her being included. You're not an asshole! Give yourself a break! Good luck with your planning.

Oh, and wait until 9 months out to ask anyone to be in the party. Much better strategy to avoid buyers remorse

Premature asking of a Bridesmaid

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