Etiquette on Bridesmaids and their Attire

lmm092667 · August 2013

I've polled all the woment in my office and they agree All bridesmaids know in addition to a dress they will have to buy shoes. Who the heck goes barefoot to a wedding??? Of course you are going to have to buy shoes. Not expecting to buy shoes is ridiculous. I am buying their jewelry which is tradition. I am not worried about the enitre wedding party except for one girl who is my friend. The rest is family (future sister-in-law, sister, and my two daughters) and they all have no problem wearing the same shoes. My friend has taste that differs vastly from mine and they type of shoes she wants is not my cup of tea and not what I want for my wedding party. My mother, step-mother and future mother-in-law all say that the bride has the final say. That is how it has always been for years. I assure you the shoes I want versus the shoes my friend wants are very comfortable - so it's not a comfort issues. She also was the only one who wanted dresses with the hem just below her behind. This wedding is in a country club in the evening and long dresses were much more appropriate it. The shoes she wants are totally inappropriate and I will not budge on this issue. This is not the first problem that I've run in to with her.

Viczaesar · August 2013

I don't believe for a second that you're obtuse enough to think that the only footwear options are "Wearing the exact shoe I tell her to, damn it!" or barefoot. Oy vey.

No, not all bridesmaids "know" they will have to buy shoes. Buying shoes that you don't like and don't want is a ridiculous expectation of your friends and family. These are not barbie dolls, and they're not your entourage. They are the people that YOU are honoring by asking them to stand next to you when you get married. Period. Treat them like human beings, not props.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

lmm092667 said:

I've polled all the woment in my office and they agree All bridesmaids know in addition to a dress they will have to buy shoes. Who the heck goes barefoot to a wedding??? Of course you are going to have to buy shoes. Not expecting to buy shoes is ridiculous. I am buying their jewelry which is tradition. I am not worried about the enitre wedding party except for one girl who is my friend. The rest is family (future sister-in-law, sister, and my two daughters) and they all have no problem wearing the same shoes. My friend has taste that differs vastly from mine and they type of shoes she wants is not my cup of tea and not what I want for my wedding party. My mother, step-mother and future mother-in-law all say that the bride has the final say. That is how it has always been for years. I assure you the shoes I want versus the shoes my friend wants are very comfortable - so it's not a comfort issues. She also was the only one who wanted dresses with the hem just below her behind. This wedding is in a country club in the evening and long dresses were much more appropriate it. The shoes she wants are totally inappropriate and I will not budge on this issue. This is not the first problem that I've run in to with her.

Whenever I've been in a wedding, I've either worn shoes I already had or bought new ones if I wanted to... no one forced me to buy a certain pair of shoes.

No one here cares that you want them to wear the same shoes. My BMs wore the same shoes because I wanted them to. Great. Wonderful. I BOUGHT THEM. What people here are saying is that if you want them to wear something that YOU pick out, YOU buy them. Otherwise let them figure out their own damn footwear. I don't get why this is so hard to understand.

ETA: to the bolded... sound like they have raised you this way. I'm not surprised they would tell you to do whatever you want at others' expense.

MobKaz · August 2013

Your dresses are LONG, and you are still requiring them to wear matching shoes?

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

southernbelle0915 said:
@lmm092667 - I hope you don't say this to your BMs and you're talking off the cuff here. It's really condescending and very "me, me, ME!!!!" If you do want them to wear the same shoes, I would just quietly pay for them (none of the "well, I if I don't dictate this, I know you'll look like a stripper!"). Just say, "I'd love to pay for everyone's shoes. Here's what I picked out. Are they ok? Great, what's your size? I'll have them shipped to you."

I bought my BMs' shoes. I also bought them flip flops and let them know if the shoes weren't comfortable to ditch them after the ceremony and wear whatever they wanted.

@southernbelle0915 Why ya gotta hate on the strippers? We, er, they can wear classy shoes too! ;-)

allispain · August 2013

mobkaz said:

Your dresses are LONG, and you are still requiring them to wear matching shoes?

I was just about to write this! If your dresses are long, no one will even see the shoes. Not while they're standing during the ceremony, not while they're walking down the aisle (since no one will be looking at their feet to see if they shoes match or not). And if you're already planning on letting them switch into something else for the ceremony if they want to, then it won't matter then either.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

lmm092667 said:
To: southernbelle0915 - I am getting them all flip flops to wear once the pics are done. I don't expect them to wear their shoes all night. I'm not planning to wear mine all night

Lrn2buycomfortableshoes.

I have a few pair of platforms that would make Southern clutch her pearls that are so comfy I can wear them all night.

But seriously, are you going to force everyone to look like Stepford wives and dictate how they do their hair too? Because that is really controlling and presumptuous. Everyone in your wedding party can coordinate perfectly w/o wearing the same dress, shoes, and hair.

NerdyLucy · August 2013

Viczaesar said:

I don't believe for a second that you're obtuse enough to think that the only footwear options are "Wearing the exact shoe I tell her to, damn it!" or barefoot. .

There you go, being all logical and stuff.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

You would be stunned how often brides make BM's buy matching dyed shoes for long dresses. Get this: the ones I had to buy were silver. I shit you not.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

mobkaz said:
Your dresses are LONG, and you are still requiring them to wear matching shoes?

Just caught up to that gem of info.

If I was in your wedding party I would agree to buy whatever shoes you wanted me to, but wouldn't actually do it and wear whatever the hell shoes were most comfortable and in a style I actually liked/already owned. Because with formal, full length gowns you won't see that much of my shoe! And on your wedding day you will have other things to concern yourself with, not what's on my feet.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

KeptInStitches said:
You would be stunned how often brides make BM's buy matching dyed shoes for long dresses. Get this: the ones I had to buy were silver. I shit you not.

Ugh.

The problem is that we were young and stupid before TK and didn't know how to say no, lol!

LavenderHoneyBee · August 2013

lmm092667 said:

I've polled all the woment in my office and they agree All bridesmaids know in addition to a dress they will have to buy shoes. Who the heck goes barefoot to a wedding??? Of course you are going to have to buy shoes. Not expecting to buy shoes is ridiculous. I am buying their jewelry which is tradition. I am not worried about the enitre wedding party except for one girl who is my friend. The rest is family (future sister-in-law, sister, and my two daughters) and they all have no problem wearing the same shoes. My friend has taste that differs vastly from mine and they type of shoes she wants is not my cup of tea and not what I want for my wedding party. My mother, step-mother and future mother-in-law all say that the bride has the final say. That is how it has always been for years. I assure you the shoes I want versus the shoes my friend wants are very comfortable - so it's not a comfort issues. She also was the only one who wanted dresses with the hem just below her behind. This wedding is in a country club in the evening and long dresses were much more appropriate it. The shoes she wants are totally inappropriate and I will not budge on this issue. This is not the first problem that I've run in to with her.

Please stop blaming your DEMANDING behavior on tradition. There is no tradition that states the BMs must wear matching shoes. None. Yes, it might been what our parents did back in the 80s. But we aren't going to all say puffy long sleeved dresses are traditional, now are we? What would be so wrong about giving your girls a color that the shoe might be, but leaving it at that?

heathertims · August 2013

your parents are being ridiculous. The dress is gorgeous, and will look good on many different body types, and the shoes will be a fun way for them to individualize it (cause you know, they are not freakin stepford wives). Gold or Nude would be nice, and theyll be things they can wear again!

I think everyone wearing the same shoes is a bit silly. Personally, i dont like the "everyone has the exact same outfit" dealie. Reminds me of when parents dress their kids in matching dresses.

I think your being very reasonable, and im sure your BM love you for it.

For our wedding, I gave my BF two dress colors to choose from; scarlet red or chocolate brown. They were a little baffled i wasnt telling them what to do, they were all safe and chose red. I went with them when they picked the styles (mostly for one of my friends, who, bless her, cannot shop for her body type) and gave them suggestions for color choices for shoes.

SP29 · August 2013

To the OP: I would tell your parents that since the BMs are paying for their dresses and shoes it is their decision to make. End of convo.

For my wedding, I have chosen the colour, and length and fabric were chosen in conjunction with my BMs. Beyond that, they are free to chose whatever style they want. As for shoes, I have chosen a colour, but they are free to wear whatever shoes they want (flat, stilleto, kitten heel...).

I think either nude or gold with look fab with kelly green! (great colour!)

Bookie7 · August 2013

I could see picking one color, but I don't think they need to wear the same shoes. My bridesmaids are wearing black chiffon, all different dresses, two are tea length, and the other two are long. Each will be wearing different shoes that make them feel comfortable. I gave them such freedom because I want them to be comfortable since they're such different body types.

talesenicole · August 2013

I recently attended a wedding where the bride made her BMs all buy one of two specific pairs of (AWFUL) $200 shoes.

All the BMs hated them lol

gailpete · August 2013

If I were your BM, I'd rather that you tell me the color shoe to wear. Then I will pick something I like and I find comfortable that I will be able to wear all night. I won't have to change into a pair of uncomfortable flip-flops I don't like that you provided and then try to dance in them.

dem068 · August 2013

if you paid me $10,000 I couldn't remember the color of the shoes that ANY of my bridesmaids wore at my wedding (which was 2 1/2 weeks ago). I promise you that as long as everyone shows up in their dresses and is happy (which they will be more likely to be if their feet don't hurt), it will make no difference at all. You will be amazed how little other people attire or anything else acutally matters on your wedding day, other than getting married to you FI. I can't wait to see the pictures from the wedding, because I literally did not notice/can not remember what anyway was wearing. All I remember is walking around with my husband, being totally estatic, giving out 100s of hugs, and dancing the night away

MandyMost · August 2013

I don't think there's a big difference between dress and shoes. You're requiring your bridesmaids to buy a dress of your choice, why not require them to wear shoes of your choice as well? The purpose of the matching dress is to turn your beloved friends/family (or rather, whoever you chose to be a bridesmaid which may have nothing to do with who you're closest to) into props for your wedding.

I honestly don't see how anyone can say it's OK for a bride to choose matching bridemaids dresses, but think matching bridemaids shoes are ridiculous. As a bride you can choose what level of individuality you'd like your bridemaids (aka wedding props) to express--same dress in different colors, different dresses in the same color, all the same, etc. This seems to be well-accepted. Why are the shoes any different?

I've been a bridesmaid twice--once we had long dresses (they even had a train, ugh, it was terrible), and we had to get shoes dyed to match. But, we were able to choose our own shoes from the one store she wanted to get them all dyed at. At the other, we all had tea-length dresses in the same color but different cuts, and she wanted us to wear the same shoes. I told her that may be a problem as I have wide feet and don't fit into like 90% of normal sandals. She told me she wanted something silver and strappy, and let me find something that fit me, and then had the other bridesmaids order the same shoe.

For my wedding, I personally find it distasteful to dictate what my friends will be wearing, so we will not be doing any kind of bridesmaids attire.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

@MandyMost, I have an extremely skinny foot. The dyed-to-match silver shoes I was required to get from David's Bridal only came in normal or wide widths (and to this day I'm still not sure they didn't slip me a wide). I was in flats; if I had worn heels, I would have broken my ankle.

And to that point, what if I did break my ankle? The bride could have had us all in 2" heels, there's no way I could have walked in those. What if I had additional problems with my feet and found heels uncomfortable? Shoes are such an incredibly personal thing for your own comfort, even being given the "opportunity" to change later isn't enough for some people. I know people who can't wear heels even for 5 minutes.

There's nothing wrong with stating a preference for color (silver, gold, nude, black) if it's neutral like the ones I listed. People can go get those shoes easily. If you're requiring something beyond the ordinary, I think personally that you should pay for them and definitely take concerns of your BM's into account.

I know you're not dictating shoes or dresses for your BM's, I'm just responding to the question you posed.

Jessa617 · August 2013

I just gave my girls a color (red), each chose their own style and not all of them were the exact shade either. It actually turned out pretty great! I think if you give them a color, let them decide what style show.

The dresses weren't all the same either!

JellyBean52513 · August 2013

lmm092667 said:

I've polled all the woment in my office and they agree All bridesmaids know in addition to a dress they will have to buy shoes. Who the heck goes barefoot to a wedding??? Of course you are going to have to buy shoes. Not expecting to buy shoes is ridiculous.

The last wedding I was in, the bride picked out our dresses and when I asked about shoes, she said "Wear whatever you want for shoes." Coincidentally, all three bridesmaids AND the MOH wore the same style of shoe, and NO I didn't have to go buy them, I already owned them

(ETA typo)

lmm092667 said:

To: southernbelle0915 - I am getting them all flip flops to wear once the pics are done. I don't expect them to wear their shoes all night. I'm not planning to wear mine all night

LOL WHAT.... WAIT, first of all you're requiring them to buy shoes to wear under a LONG dress, just to have them change into flip-flops as soon as pictures are done?! You are on the next level of bridezilla.

32daisies · August 2013

There's a happy medium in this somewhere, and it's not too hard to find if everyone focuses on being considerate -- the bride, the wedding party, everyone. Sometimes brides are too demanding. And sometimes bridesmaids are too -- I've been a bridesmaid a lot, and I've seen wedding party members be unreasonable too. If a bride and her attendants aren't all friends, or care for each other enough to work these things out in a happy, friendly way... then why are these people all involved in the same wedding?

Fwiw, I do have to say I don't think it's silly to have bridesmaids in the same dress, as long as it's within the budget they gave the bride and everyone who will be wearing it is happy with it. I know some people prefer a more varied look, but neither preference is "wrong".

But when it comes to shoes, honestly, feet are so tricky. You've got to have leeway. Some people can't walk in heels. Some people are uncomfortable in flat shoes. Some people can't wear certain flimsy styles. Some people have health/muscle/foot issues and need more support. You've got to take all of that into account.

Not only can I not describe the shoes worn in the last three weddings I was at... I can't even describe the last three shoes *I* wore, in the last three weddings I was in. No one cares about the shoes. So let your ladies have freedom. I told mine, try to stay neutral, wear whatever you want. Some of them wanted really basic flats. A couple wanted blingy tall heels. Have at it! They're your feet. Because if after all this planning and money, not to mention the biggest day of my life, all anyone is looking at is the bridesmaids' shoes? Then I'm doing something REALLY wrong.

Etiquette on Bridesmaids and their Attire

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