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Feeling bad about the cost of this wedding.....

ohmenaohmena
First Comment Name Dropper
in Luxury Weddings
And I don't know why. 
My papa is paying for everything (he offered and more so really wanted to)
He told us to just spend the money and not worry one big about the number of zeros after each number. He is also paying for the flights of my relatives who can't (really can't) afford the airfare. Now though I've started to feel like we shouldn't be asking him to spend all this money. I know we aren't 'asking'him he offered and all that and he does have the money. And we aren't being stupid with the money at all. But I don't know why then I feel so bad about it all.

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Re: Feeling bad about the cost of this wedding.....

  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its

    I think regardless of what he is offering (which is very generous) you need to do what you are most comfortable with. It's your wedding, after all. If he specifically asks for certain things, then you may have to jump outside of your comfort zone. When accepting money, there are always strings attached. However, for the most part, just plan the wedding you want and continue to thank your family for contributing.

    For me, personally, my family contributed about 3/4 of the money for my first wedding. I paid for the rest. I did what made me comfortable. However, after getting divorced, my whole outlook about weddings changed. While I could afford another large luxury wedding (without my parents' help), I felt uncomfortable doing so. I saw a lot of money go to waste the first time around. So, I planned the wedding I felt was appropriate to us and our tastes. It was still pricey, especially for just two people, but I spent money in the areas where I was comfortable.

     







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  • ohmenaohmena
    First Comment Name Dropper
    Jells2dot0 said:

    I think regardless of what he is offering (which is very generous) you need to do what you are most comfortable with. It's your wedding, after all. If he specifically asks for certain things, then you may have to jump outside of your comfort zone. When accepting money, there are always strings attached. However, for the most part, just plan the wedding you want and continue to thank your family for contributing

    He hasn't asked us to include anything we don't want (more has specifically asked if we are having steel drums and things) and hasn't given us any strings attached. 
    Which actually makes it worse.
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I think if you feel bad about it.... re-frame to spend wisely.  Just because there are a lot of zeros available doesn't mean you need to spend all of it.  

    Like, do you need to have off-season flowers imported or can you get beautiful, in-season, local flowers for less? Go the local flowers route.  

    Try to stay true to yourself. Maybe ask yourself--- if the money was yours that you earned, would you spend it on certain things? Perhaps taking that mental assessment when choosing vendors and things will help you make wise choices and have the wedding you want without feeling bad about the cost. 
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  • hordolhordol member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    My parents gave a generous contribution to my wedding and I was so grateful, I felt a little guilty too. But they wanted to do it and it sounds like your dad wants to, too. I'm a little confused about your second post where you said you father having no strings attached was making this feeling worse for you, I don't really understand that. If I were you I would just try to realize how great that is. Be happy about it, you really don't know how lucky you are. So many people on here have stories about strings attached to family contributions and they can be terrible situations sometimes. I would just be grateful for your father's generosity.
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  • ohmenaohmena
    First Comment Name Dropper
    hordol said:
    My parents gave a generous contribution to my wedding and I was so grateful, I felt a little guilty too. But they wanted to do it and it sounds like your dad wants to, too. I'm a little confused about your second post where you said you father having no strings attached was making this feeling worse for you, I don't really understand that. If I were you I would just try to realize how great that is. Be happy about it, you really don't know how lucky you are. So many people on here have stories about strings attached to family contributions and they can be terrible situations sometimes. I would just be grateful for your father's generosity.
    I guess I just mean that if he was putting strings attached to the money I would feel more that he was paying for something he was helping to plan or had some control over.
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    It's very nice your dad is being so generous in funding your wedding. 

    If you feel guilty about it, plan a very simple yet properly hosted wedding. Tell him that's what you're planning. If he wants a more elaborate affair, he'll communicate that to you and you can plan accordingly.
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  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited August 2013
    ohmena said:
    hordol said:
    My parents gave a generous contribution to my wedding and I was so grateful, I felt a little guilty too. But they wanted to do it and it sounds like your dad wants to, too. I'm a little confused about your second post where you said you father having no strings attached was making this feeling worse for you, I don't really understand that. If I were you I would just try to realize how great that is. Be happy about it, you really don't know how lucky you are. So many people on here have stories about strings attached to family contributions and they can be terrible situations sometimes. I would just be grateful for your father's generosity.
    I guess I just mean that if he was putting strings attached to the money I would feel more that he was paying for something he was helping to plan or had some control over.
    My parents pretty much gave me a blank check when planning my first wedding. I asked for spending caps and they didn't really give any indication on where to draw the line. So, each time I picked something out, I went to them with what I picked and the total cost. If they came back and said that they were okay with it, then I know I did my due diligence. I think you're really stressing yourself out for no reason at all. If you really feel this strongly about spending money, then decline the offer and use your own money so you only have to answer to yourself.

     







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  • elizabethelevenelizabetheleven member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    I'm with southernbelle0915 here. If you feel that guilty about using the funds maybe contribute what you can first. Or go more simply and cost efficient.

    You're very lucky to have family help in that manner. Good luck with planning!
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  • AjulianaAjuliana member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Be grateful, be considerate, and be wise. Don't just pick the most expensive option, and be willing to ask for a better price if something seems outlandish. That's all you can really do.

    My FIL and father both said to tell them what it was per person and they would invite accordingly. Now that FIL passed away, I'm tempted to go a much less expensive route so that FI and I can still accommodate his guest list ourselves.
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  • BulgariHeartBulgariHeart member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    I couldn't deal with that guilt either, that's why we paid for everything ourselves. We did accept our respective attire as a gift. In my personal opinion getting married is 100% an adult decision, it's personal and expensive, not to mention that having a big hoopla is not even strictly necessary, so having someone other than us funding it was out of the question. I'm all for luxury and being the center of attention but if I plan something it will be on me. The wedding gave me a small chance to "give back" to my parents, if that's ever possible with great parents. Hosting and honoring them for once, after all they did, gave me such joy. I can't wait to repeat that for the vow renewal. 

    I agree with the suggestion of spending wisely. Even if your budget is virtually endless you can still make one up in your mind and stick to it. You can also skip a few superfluous elements; granted this is subjective but I can tell you that we did without a whole list of things that are considered a "must" for american weddings and not only did we save, but we also avoided potential issues, problems, hick-ups, arguments, you name it.

    I like elegance but also simplicity and wanted the wedding to go down smoothly. Now that it's over I don't feel like it was incomplete without a wedding party or a rehearsal dinner, I just know that focusing the budget on fewer great vendors and skipping a couple of things created the potential for it to be hitch-free, which it was. That made all the money we spent, money WELL spent. So my point is that the benefits of spending wisely aren't solely financial but also practical :)
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  • JoAnne1027JoAnne1027 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    He obviously has your genuine happiness in mind and it makes him feel good to be able to do this for you. He's not saying "throw money out anyway you want" he's saying "get what pleases you most and don't worry about it." What a sweet man. Wish he were MY dad.
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  • JessicaJupiterJessicaJupiter member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    I feel if my dad essentially gave me a limitless and non-conditional budget I probably wouldn't spend a lot of his money. I would spend what I could on my own and use what he has offered responsibly. 

    It would probably be better on you to discuss all of the expenses with him, even though it doesn't seem he wants to control your wedding you should give him the option of participation. It would probably take away some of your guilt to have his input instead of just his cash.
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