Wedding Etiquette Forum
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MOH Duties

I chose my F sister, whom I've known for years, as my MOH. At the time, I thought it was a wonderful idea because we are close, she's been a BM before and she's super organized and has a lot of administrative experience. 
As of late, she is not listening to my BM dress demands (same color as the other girls, same length as the other girls). She has said, on multiple occasions, that since she the MOH, she can do whatever she wants. 
She recently asked what I am expecting for a bachelorette party. I told her I'd like a gathering with the BMs and a few close friends. Nothing crazy. Maybe some wine. Maybe do the classic "panty game". Nothing too risque though cause that's not my style. She informed me that she is not comfortable with "any of that". I was confused. She passed the bachelorette party planning AND my bridal shower onto our sister-in-law, who has been super helpful, but is not a BM. 
I'm not an expert when it comes to wedding etiquette, so is this normal or weird? What should I do?

Re: MOH Duties

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    The only thing your MOH is responsible for is showing up on the wedding day in the dress you have chosen. I would say to her calmly, "This is the dress that I have chosen, it needs to be ordered by (date)." If she doesn't order it by the time she needs to, she has taken herself out of the wedding party. Anyone can throw you a bridal shower, you just can't throw one yourself. It is usually a bridesmaid or maid of honor, but it doesn't have to be. If you are uncomfortable with this arrange,net, you can always decline the bachelorette and/or the bridal shower. Good luck!
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    I'm still confused. All of the articles that I have read have said that the MOH and/or BMs are responsible for planning /throwing the bachelorette party. Most of those articles are right here on theknot.com

    Personally, I don't think it is respectful or fair to ask someone who is not a BM to plan the bachelorette party AND the bridal shower, pretty much on her own. 
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    All your MOH needs to do is get a dress. It sounds like you are letting your bridal party choose their own dress as long as it meets some set requirements - how is she wanting to deviate from what you've told them to get?

    As for the bachelorette party, while it is most common for the MOH or a BM to plan it they aren't the only ones who can. All you need to do is be grateful to your SIL for planning a party for you. No need to worry about anything else in regard to that situation.


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    All your MOH needs to do is get a dress. It sounds like you are letting your bridal party choose their own dress as long as it meets some set requirements - how is she wanting to deviate from what you've told them to get?

    As for the bachelorette party, while it is most common for the MOH or a BM to plan it they aren't the only ones who can. All you need to do is be grateful to your SIL for planning a party for you. No need to worry about anything else in regard to that situation.


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    rgilman91 said:
    I'm still confused. All of the articles that I have read have said that the MOH and/or BMs are responsible for planning /throwing the bachelorette party. Most of those articles are right here on theknot.com

    Personally, I don't think it is respectful or fair to ask someone who is not a BM to plan the bachelorette party AND the bridal shower, pretty much on her own. 
    Those lists are just put out by the wedding industry to get people to spend more money. They have nothing to do with what is proper etiquette.

    If your SIL is happy to plan the party then you don't need to worry about this. If you want to thank her then get her a small gift and present it to her at the party as a thank-you for all the work she put into it.


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    The Knot can be wrong too. Believe me, this is not the only thing they are wrong on. The only responsibilities your wedding party has it to show up in the right attire at the right time on your wedding day. Anything else is not required.
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    My SIL is happy to throw both parties for me. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't like a slap in the face or anything since she's not a BM. She seems excited, not upset. So, I guess, it's ok.

    My MOH and BMs all have different body types so it would be hard to find a dress that looks good on all of them. I decided that they can pick their own dress, as long as they are all the same color (Jade from DB) and the same length (Just above the knee). 
    MOH is saying she getting a tea-length dress because she doesn't like how her knees look in dresses. I tried to compromise with getting dresses that are just below the knee and she said no. I have asked BMs and MOH to wear heels (whatever height they are comfortable in) and MOH says she will be wearing sandals because that's what she wants. MOH also said she is sewing shawls for herself and all the BMs. I asked to see the pattern and fabric and she told me that it's none of my business. 
    At one point, I asked her "Why are you acting like this? This behavior isn't normal for you".
    She said "I'm the MOH, I can do whatever I want". 
    I'm feeling quite bewildered.
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    rgilman91 said:
    My SIL is happy to throw both parties for me. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't like a slap in the face or anything since she's not a BM. She seems excited, not upset. So, I guess, it's ok.

    My MOH and BMs all have different body types so it would be hard to find a dress that looks good on all of them. I decided that they can pick their own dress, as long as they are all the same color (Jade from DB) and the same length (Just above the knee). 
    MOH is saying she getting a tea-length dress because she doesn't like how her knees look in dresses. I tried to compromise with getting dresses that are just below the knee and she said no. I have asked BMs and MOH to wear heels (whatever height they are comfortable in) and MOH says she will be wearing sandals because that's what she wants. MOH also said she is sewing shawls for herself and all the BMs. I asked to see the pattern and fabric and she told me that it's none of my business. 
    At one point, I asked her "Why are you acting like this? This behavior isn't normal for you".
    She said "I'm the MOH, I can do whatever I want". 
    I'm feeling quite bewildered.
    I guarantee you have nothing to worry about with your SIL planning your party :) And with the way your MOH is acting I'm going say you are dodging a bullet by having her pass it off to someone else. Your lucky to have such a great SIL whose willing to take over!

    As for your MOH's behavior regarding the attire - I'm not sure what advice to give you. I would let her wear the sandals. No one will be looking at her feet anyway and with all her other drama it doesn't seem like a battle worth fighting and it seems like you are really going to have to pick your battles with her.

    If this behavior is unusual is there someone else you could ask about it who might be able to give you some insight as to why she is behaving this way? Personally, if she said "I'm the MOH, I can do whatever I want" again I'd remind her that you're the bride and your opinion matters and that the two of you need to work together to figure out a compromise.

    Honestly, I think you chose her to be your MOH for the wrong reason. You choose people because they are close to you, not because "been a BM before and she's super organized and has a lot of administrative experience" But you made that choice and now you are going to have to figure out a way to deal with this. And kicking her out is absolutely not an option as it would be a friendship ending move.


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    Yes, she has experience as a BM but the first thing that I said about her was that she and I are close. The other reasons are just bonuses. 

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    Wow...your MOH seems like a special little snowflake. 

    It appears you've now got an understanding that she only has one job: show up sober and with a dress that you've given her a little direction on.

    I don't think you're asking too much of her in regards to what she wears.  I asked my girls to pick whatever dress they want in DB lapis and they needed to all agree on all short or all long (they went with short) and either all wear silver or all wear black shoes...they chose silver. Your MOH is being a crotch about this and it's really not pretty that she's using the line "I'm the MOH, I can do whatever I want."  I'd say this, "Since we've been looking at dresses for my wedding you don't seem interested at all in agreeing to the guidelines that I've asked for. My feelings are very hurt by this." ...that puts it back on her and tells her that her actions have made you feel bad.  I will say, however, that not everyone likes to wear heels. I would be willing to allow her to wear flats.  The shawl thing is just ridiculous though that she won't even let you see the pattern.

    One question -- is she overweight or does she have any reason to be body-conscious?  If that's the case I can see her behavior being caused by that...not that it makes it right.

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    She is over-weight but has been on a diet for the past year and has lost roughly 150 lbs! I am so proud of her and she looks amazing! I'm wondering....does she this new, skinnier body when she looks in the mirror? Or does she still she her old self? 

    I am trying so hard to be compassionate and understanding of her body issues, but at the same time, I'm the bride and I am not being heard.
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    rgilman91 said:
    My SIL is happy to throw both parties for me. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't like a slap in the face or anything since she's not a BM. She seems excited, not upset. So, I guess, it's ok.

    My MOH and BMs all have different body types so it would be hard to find a dress that looks good on all of them. I decided that they can pick their own dress, as long as they are all the same color (Jade from DB) and the same length (Just above the knee). 
    MOH is saying she getting a tea-length dress because she doesn't like how her knees look in dresses. I tried to compromise with getting dresses that are just below the knee and she said no. I have asked BMs and MOH to wear heels (whatever height they are comfortable in) and MOH says she will be wearing sandals because that's what she wants. MOH also said she is sewing shawls for herself and all the BMs. I asked to see the pattern and fabric and she told me that it's none of my business. 
    At one point, I asked her "Why are you acting like this? This behavior isn't normal for you".
    She said "I'm the MOH, I can do whatever I want". 
    I'm feeling quite bewildered.
    I guarantee you have nothing to worry about with your SIL planning your party :) And with the way your MOH is acting I'm going say you are dodging a bullet by having her pass it off to someone else. Your lucky to have such a great SIL whose willing to take over!

    As for your MOH's behavior regarding the attire - I'm not sure what advice to give you. I would let her wear the sandals. No one will be looking at her feet anyway and with all her other drama it doesn't seem like a battle worth fighting and it seems like you are really going to have to pick your battles with her.

    If this behavior is unusual is there someone else you could ask about it who might be able to give you some insight as to why she is behaving this way? Personally, if she said "I'm the MOH, I can do whatever I want" again I'd remind her that you're the bride and your opinion matters and that the two of you need to work together to figure out a compromise.

    Honestly, I think you chose her to be your MOH for the wrong reason. You choose people because they are close to you, not because "been a BM before and she's super organized and has a lot of administrative experience" But you made that choice and now you are going to have to figure out a way to deal with this. And kicking her out is absolutely not an option as it would be a friendship ending move.
    This. Everything she said is spot on.
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    rgilman91 said:
    She is over-weight but has been on a diet for the past year and has lost roughly 150 lbs! I am so proud of her and she looks amazing! I'm wondering....does she this new, skinnier body when she looks in the mirror? Or does she still she her old self? 

    I am trying so hard to be compassionate and understanding of her body issues, but at the same time, I'm the bride and I am not being heard.
    Even though she's lost a lot of weight she probably still has the same insecurities from before. In a lot of ways she probably still sees her old self in the mirror. I can see that being the reasoning behind her being a pain about the dress but I still am baffled by the "I'm the MOH I can do whatever I want" attitude.


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    Me too! I talked to my F and my SIL (the one who is throwing the B-party and Birdal shower for me; she's also really close to MOH) and they both said to be understanding but also to be firm when we go dress shopping. F said "My sister tends to walk-out when she doesn't get what she wants". I was like "wait...what??" I've seen her do it quite a few times but I this is a wedding, it's important so I didn't think she would walk out but both my F and SIL agreed that if I don't give in, they are both 99% sure she will walk. 
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    I decided not to worry about it but the more we talk about the dresses, the more snooty (for lack of a better word) she gets about it. 

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    You are in tough spot. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Honestly, we get a lot of brides through here where I totally get why their BMs are making things tough for them but you really seem to be genuinely trying to be as accommodating as possible.

    I hope your MOH comes around and doesn't walk out.


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    Thank you ladies!! I appreciate all of the advice =)
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    TheVirginiansTheVirginians member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited August 2013
    Your wedding is not for a year. It is too early to select dresses.

    Also, bridesmaid dress demands sounds a little snarky. In the great scheme of things, her dress length being slightly different is no big deal.

    You should never tell them whether to wear heels or flats. They need to wear something they are comfortable in.

    I agree with you somewhat  on the shawls, but only if they are part of the wedding attire. If she's just doing it to be nice, then she can give any color/pattern gift she wants.

    Nobody has to give you any party. They are a gift and not a right. If someone offers, that is very kind and generous of them. It is not anybody's duty.

    Cut the wedding talk with this woman. Ask her about herself, her hobbies, or whatever you two usually talk about when you're together.
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    So, I can't talk to my MOH about wedding stuff? That's a little ridiculous. We aren't officially picking dresses until December because 2 BMs live out of state and they will be here for the holidays. I never said anyone HAD to give me a party, I just didn't want it to be a slap in the face to my SIL. MOH is planning on the shawls to be a part of the wedding attire; sorry if that wasn't clear. IMO, something about the BM dresses needs to match (hence, the color and length). My demands are not too much to ask for. Brides ask BMs to wear heels/flats all the time so I don't see why me asking my BMs to wear heels is such a shocker. 
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    rgilman91 said:
    So, I can't talk to my MOH about wedding stuff? That's a little ridiculous. We aren't officially picking dresses until December because 2 BMs live out of state and they will be here for the holidays. I never said anyone HAD to give me a party, I just didn't want it to be a slap in the face to my SIL. MOH is planning on the shawls to be a part of the wedding attire; sorry if that wasn't clear. IMO, something about the BM dresses needs to match (hence, the color and length). My demands are not too much to ask for. Brides ask BMs to wear heels/flats all the time so I don't see why me asking my BMs to wear heels is such a shocker. 
     

    I'm assuming she meant stop the wedding talk for awhile since the wedding is still a ways away. If she's having insecurities then the wedding and dress talk may be making them flare up for her so giving her a small break could smooth things a bit. Though, from what your FI and SIL have said it sounds like she's simply a spoiled woman who is used to getting what she wants. Follow their advice and stick to your guns- if she walks then that's her choice. If she doesn't get a dress then she doesn't get to be in the wedding. No need to stress over it right now.

    As for the dressing having to match, that's not true. Some brides just tell their girls to get a dress they're comfortable in. The MOH's dress being a few inches longer than the other girls will not be an issue. But since you seem to be a stickler on being matchy matchy you might want to specify a material. Jade on satin will look different then jade on chiffon, etc.

    As for the shoes, look at the word you just used (and used previously). Demand. You don't demand your friends do anything. It's one thing to ask them if they're comfortable in heels to wear them but to demand it? Not cool. If that's the type of language you're using I can see lots of drama or hurt feelings in your future.

    In the end, stand firm against her "moh gets her way" attitude but let the dress length and shoes slide.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

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    The only thing I sympathize with MOH on is shoe height. I would be very uncomfortable standing in heels for a half hour ceremony. Would I suck it up? Probably, but I don't blame her for saying something.

    I do also think you're within your rights to request dress length/color/fabric within your BPs (privately discussed) budget. It's nice to take her preferences into consideration, but not mandatory to let her have any length she wants.
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    I don't think you are being unreasonable. If your BM said, "Hey, I'm sorry, I really am uncomfortable in heels and it will be hard for me to stand in them for the whole ceremony. Is it okay if I wear sandals?" that is a polite way to bring up the shoe issue. Saying, "I'm the MOH, I can do whatever I want." is not. Your request of a certain dress length and color is not unreasonable at all- many brides pick the specific dress. She does seem out of line. With regards to the Bachelorette party, SHE asked YOU what you wanted, so it is very strange she would be uncomfortable with it... You didn't ask for anything crazy.
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    This is why I have waited to post anything on these discussion boards because all this talk of "this is what you should have done...you shouldn't have done that..." is ridiculous. Decisions have been made. BMs have been chosen. Etc. All of that is in the past and cannot be changed. I think it would be more productive to focus and give advice on the question at hand instead of telling others they screwed up. 
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    I think most of us agree with you for the most part. It sounds like the parties will work out since someone else is excited to plan them. I think your dress plan is totally fine myself, especially since you're letting her go below the knee. My BMs are wearing different styles from the same designer (Alfred Angelo) and even though they are all officially "short" some definitely fall longer than others (some above and some below the knee). I definitely agree with @Abbeyjensen too that although asking to wear flats is fine, the way she went about it was way off.
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    rgilman91 said:
    This is why I have waited to post anything on these discussion boards because all this talk of "this is what you should have done...you shouldn't have done that..." is ridiculous. Decisions have been made. BMs have been chosen. Etc. All of that is in the past and cannot be changed. I think it would be more productive to focus and give advice on the question at hand instead of telling others they screwed up. 
    We're not just talking for your benefit, but also for the benefit of all the lurkers.  You don't get to control how people post on your threads.



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    That makes sense. I understand now. 
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