Kicking out Best Man

winterbride1989 · August 2013

When is it acceptable to kick out a member of the wedding party? The BM has been FI's best friend for years, but he has recently started groping me whenever we are around him. FI is furious and wants to kick him out of the wedding and just never associate with him again, however things are complicated by the fact that the BM is also FI's BIL and I am afraid that this will cause a permanent rift within his family. FI wanted to confront him about the behaviour right away but I felt that I could handle it and just protect myself from him but have been unable to (he is quite a bit older than I am and is very large) and it has now escalated. I guess I am just looking for some general advice for how to go about this in a way that will least hurt the BM's wife (FI's sister).

msuprincess04 · August 2013

When he's physically or sexually assaulted a member of the wedding party or immediate family.

Have you not not discussed this with him and how it makes you uncomfortable? Does he know that it's inappropriate or does he just think he's being funny? In the interest of preserving the family relationship, I would confront him in private about how it makes you uncomfortable. You can do it over the phone so that there is no chance of physical contact if that is what you are concerned about. Give him a shot to correct the behavior. If not, then, it may be best to cut all ties and walk away.

winterbride1989 · August 2013

I have talked to him about it right after the first incident! I told him it made me uncomfortable and he apologized, but then the next time I saw him he was right at it again. It is hard to cut all ties because we are very close to his wife and their children, so we want to handle it as delicately as possible.

Abbyjensen · August 2013

I would phone this man and very seriously tell this man that what he is doing is sexual assault, and if he does it again, you will file a police report and restraining order. This is an extreme threat, but I would do it because you deserve to feel safe. At this point, I would not tell his wife, but if it happened again I would.

mlg78 · August 2013

YOU have spoken up already. It's time your FI speaks to him, not about the wedding, but about the friendship. This wedding, quite honestly, is irrelevant at this point. He needs to confront him and tell him what he's doing to you is inappropriate and unacceptable. Depending on his response, if your fiancé wants to excuse him from the wedding, do it...but that needs to stay out of it when discussing what he's doing.

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

Wow. After the first time I would have cut him out of the bridal party and never talk to him again and definately tell his wife. If he has.enough gumption to do it the first time it tells.me what kind of person he is and I wouldn't put myself in that situation ever again.

phira · August 2013

He's sexually assaulting you, soooooo this is definitely a good reason to kick him out on his ass.

If your fiance's family falls apart over this, it's not YOUR fault (or your fiance's fault). It's your future brother-in-law's fault. It's his behavior that's causing the problem.

yellowrose314 · August 2013

I think this definitely qualifies as grounds for kicking him out. He's sexually assualted you, not once, but multiple times. I would have told his wife after the second time, but that's me. If he continues to persist you should press charges, because obviously he's not taking the hint. Yes, this could pose a problem with relations with his wife and children, but putting your personal safety at risk in exchange for cordial relationships is NOT ok.

bethsmiles · August 2013

I agree with the PPs that his behavior is grounds for kicking him out of the WP. But there isn't a way to do that and not cause family drama but this isn't something you should have to put up with just to avoid family drama.

If you want you can have your FI talk to him but if that doesn't work I think it's time to cut ties.

winterbride1989 · August 2013

Hey everyone, thank you for the great advice! FI called him and he owned up apologized to both of us and promised it would never happen again. He explained his reasons but acknowledged that they were no excuse for his behaviour and we accepted his apology and are happy to be moving forward!

Thanks again!

MuppetFan · August 2013

That's big of you, but honestly, I wouldn't have been so quick to happily move forward on this topic. I really do not feel like he should be part of your wedding party and it should cause a rift between he and your FSIL.

Teddy917 · August 2013

He gave you reasons. I would like to hear some of these. There is absolutely no reason for sexual assault.

winterbride1989 · August 2013

Teddy917 said:

He gave you reasons. I would like to hear some of these. There is absolutely no reason for sexual assault.

Like I said he told me he knew there was no excuse. The reason he gave was that he was trying to sabotage his marriage but he realizes that it was completely unacceptable to bring me into this and that he does love his wife very much and wants to work on things with her. This behaviour was very out of character for him (I have known him for years) and he he said that he did not expect forgiveness but just wanted one chance to prove that it would never happen again.

FI and I decided to give him that chance and he knows that we will go straight to his wife if it ever happens again.

Teddy917 · August 2013

Weirdest reason ever

misssunshine17 · August 2013

Seriously, take a step back and realize how unhealthy all that sounds.

RebeccaB88 · August 2013

Dude's bluffing you. I'd call him on it.

TheVirginians · August 2013

Yes, what @rebeccab88 said!

phira · August 2013

Yeah ... people don't commit sexual assault to get out of an unhappy marriage. They do it to feel powerful.

bellaluna290 · August 2013

Yeah...things are not adding up here. BIL or not, I am curious as to why your FI (and you) would want to be friends with someone who sexually assaulted you. His "reason" was bs and you should stay away from him...oh, and the time to tell his wife has come and gone.

MoonlightSilver · August 2013

This is a much bigger issue than who's in your wedding party. Your BIL is groping you. That's not okay. FI should be talking with him- clearly and directly- that he is sexually assaulting you and needs to stop. I'd even be bringing BIL's wife into the discussion. I would not be seeing BIL until he promises to stop, and only then with other people around.

ETA: I see FI did talk to him. Your BIL needs to see someone to work out his issues and how he handles harm.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

Where is FI's sister in all this? Does she have any idea this is going on? I'm fiercely loyal to my family first and would talk to my sister immediately if my BIL touched me. I would not try to work out some compromise with some guy who joined the family and is sexually assaulting family members. No way. Sister needs to know exactly what her husband said and is doing. Like yesterday.

Oh, and I would kick him out of the wedding party stat. He can be the one to explain to the family why there's a rift.

allispain · August 2013

Wait... so his "reason" was that he thought by sexually assaulting you, you would tell his wife, and she would end their marriage? So he doesn't have to go talk to her himself? What a bunch of BS. Him cornering you when you're alone together and groping you isn't about his relationship with his wife, it's about him wanting to exert power over you. If I were you, I would not give him a second chance... because wait... you already did that once before...

winterbride1989 said: "I have talked to him about it right after the first incident! I told him it made me uncomfortable and he apologized, but then the next time I saw him he was right at it again."

There's a pattern here - he assaults you, is confronted, apologizes, and then immediately breaks his promise to stop. He's bad news, and I can't believe that both you and your FI are ok with him still being around you. I know that there's a family dynamic here and that things could get awkward fast with FI's sister, but it's past time that she knows that her husband is assaulting you so that she can make an informed decision about her own relationship with him (not to mention any potential safety issues regarding their children...).

kmcmaster05 · August 2013

What allispain said... I would fear for the safety of my sister and her children.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

winterbride1989 said:

I have talked to him about it right after the first incident! I told him it made me uncomfortable and he apologized, but then the next time I saw him he was right at it again. It is hard to cut all ties because we are very close to his wife and their children, so we want to handle it as delicately as possible.

It may be hard, but I'd recommend you do it and do it like yesterday. This man is an abusive perv and I really hope he doesn't have any daughters.

Absolutely cut all ties and if his wife asks you why, you and your FI need to delicately but in no uncertain terms explain why you can no longer maintain this friendship.

jessicabessica · August 2013

What's your FI's relationship like with his sister? I would think he would want to tell her what happened for her and her kids' sakes.

NOLAbridealmost · August 2013

I would want to cut all ties with this man. I mean, just because he's a perv doesn't mean he's a pedophile perv, but would you ever feel comfortable with this guy being around your own children someday? I wouldn't.

beethery · April 2014

winterbride1989 said: Hey everyone, thank you for the great advice! FI called him and he owned up apologized to both of us and promised it would never happen again. He explained his reasons but acknowledged that they were no excuse for his behaviour and we accepted his apology and are happy to be moving forward!
Thanks again!

-- There ain't no reason to grope anybody that isn't into it, but as long as you're happy, good. If you like it, I love it.

offthemarket915 · April 2014

My advice? Pick up some mace and give him a face full of it the next time he touches you. Oh, and then call the cops.

tcnoble · April 2014

This thread is over a year old.

offthemarket915 · April 2014

D'oh!

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

seriously old thread, but just give me a moment to react because I can't not react after reading that.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

Kicking out Best Man

Re: Kicking out Best Man

Choose Another Board

Search Boards