In-Laws

lastminute2013 · August 2013

In-laws are paying for the wedding. We are giving the In laws everything they ask for without a fight and their behavior is still really stressful.

What can I do????

s-aries8990 · August 2013

You can cancel your plans now, decline their money, and host the wedding you and FI can afford.

They who pay have the final say, so unfortunately if they are paying for everything, they get a say in what they host.

I think your FI needs to put on his big boy pants and tell his parents that they are being overbearing.

GlassButton · August 2013

This is exactly why you shouldn't have accepted a dime from them. If the STD's nor the invitations haven't gone out then tell them no thank you.

As for how to fix it now, your FI is going to have tell them to step down. You'll have to pay for everything yourself but it's better than dealing with this. If they continue to bother you then send them an invite but be clear before giving it to them they are not to mention anything to you about how things should be done.

You and your FI should discuss with them that you will not be listening to them any further (in a polite manner) even though you appreciate their monetary input.

OliveOilsMom · August 2013

lastminute2013 said:

We wanted a small wedding. My In laws wanted a larger one and offered to pay for the wedding. They are getting every single thing they want and their behavior is still intolerable. My fiance had a long phone call with them about the effort we are putting in etc. and how we all want to have a nice wedding and asking them to notice their own behavior. This has had no affect..

I was thinking I could just turn everything over to a wedding coordinator and have her deal with them? I am so disappointed pointed that they are creating so much drama. I don't know how to deal with this.

They have decided that:
- I shouldn't eat anything on the wedding day until the 6pm dinner
- I am not allowed to have more than 1 alcoholic drink the entire day (just in case I was planning on being drunk the whole time!)

- My mother and father are the only people (besides my in-Laws) that I am allowed to see before wedding ceremony. The 3 of us are supposed to sit in a room alone together isolated from anyone else. (???)

- They are already trying to make plans for us to have a vacation together the day after the wedding

I have to go over catering with them and invitations but I am dreading it. They refuse to give us a budget for anything. They know exactly how they want every detail but they won't tell me until I have already done the work and come up with a plan. Then they start yelling, mocking, belittling, etc. I can not even imagine presenting any more wedding information to them. They are getting their way in every possible thing anyhow so I don't understand the need to be so mean about it at the same time.

What can I do????

Cancel the wedding and elope! You allowed them to become these wedding planning monsters by accepting their money for a wedding. So pull their power right out from under them by decling the wedding and planning what you and FI want. I agree that many of their demands are just crazy. Why can't you eat the day of the wedding? You'll probably collapse at the altar under the weight of your dress and no food in your stomach!

Also, FI needs to better learn how to deal with his parents. Can you imagine how they will act when you give them a grandchild? You need to learn how to interact with them now, so you and your FI will be able to deal with their behavoir in the future!

Teddy917 · August 2013

They can't force you to not eat anything or to only have one drink. As for the rest, decline their money.

Jessica41381 · August 2013

While having their help financially is helpful I would have to politely decline the offers and plan your wedding the way you want, having to do as someone else says on YOUR wedding isn't how it should be. Especially saying when you can eat and how much you can and cannot drink.

misssunshine17 · August 2013

Decline their money. Start showing your unity now, since they sound crazy. Them paying for it is asking for starting your marriage off on rocky territory.

bethsmiles · August 2013

I agree with PPs that it would be best to decline their money. But even if you didn't what they are asking is way outside the strings attached to that money.

You need to learn to say no and mean it with them now. This behavior isn't going to stop after the wedding. You and your FI need to be a united front. Don't let them control your lives.

lastminute2013 · August 2013

We already sent out save the dates to 135, 80% of them are the in-laws friends.

My fiance can afford to host the event but I am not sure how to convince him this is the solution.

If we cut them off from the planning, what will they be like the days of the wedding? Has anyone done this?

KatWAG · August 2013

Decline their money and plan your own wedding. What does your FI say about this? Is this normal behavior for his parents? Because if it is get ready to deal with this for the rest of your life. Just think how controlling they will be when you add babies into the mix.

One a side note, how exactly do they plan on preventing you from eating, drinking and seeing people on your wedding day? Are they really going to rip the sandwich from you and shove you in a closet while you are trying to ready?

Also, NO is not a four letter wrong. Feel free to use it liberally.

NerdyLucy · August 2013

Holy cow, those are weird demands.

I'm with everyone else; decline their money and don't give in to such ridiculous requests.

GlassButton · August 2013

lastminute2013 said:
We already sent out save the dates to 135, 80% of them are the in-laws friends.

My fiance can afford to host the event but I am not sure how to convince him this is the solution.

If we cut them off from the planning, what will they be like the days of the wedding? Has anyone done this?

1. Everyone that had recieved the STDs must be invited.

2. Your fiancé needs to be convinced? Has he heard these crazy demands? How would he feel is the same was being done to him by your parents? I think you need to tell him how you feel about these demands and some are just crazy.

3. They'll be crazy but now they won't have the power to do anything.

4. No. Even if my in laws were this crazy my FI would have put a stop to it before it got out of hand. I really think he needs to step up and tell them to stop (in a polite manner of course).

bethsmiles · August 2013

lastminute2013 said:

We already sent out save the dates to 135, 80% of them are the in-laws friends.

My fiance can afford to host the event but I am not sure how to convince him this is the solution.

If we cut them off from the planning, what will they be like the days of the wedding? Has anyone done this?

Cancel the wedding. Start over. Pick a new date. Make-up a new guest list. Do not accept any money from your FILs. If you can afford to plan the wedding you want why on earth would you accept money from your FILs that is just making your miserable? - That's the question I would ask your FI.

I have no idea how your FILs will react. I'm sure it won't be pleasant though. But if you don't put your foot down now, this is how the rest of your life is going to be. They will be constantly trying to control everything.

krizzo17 · August 2013

If your fiancé doesn't see the issue with them asking you not to eat all day, you might want to find a new fiancé.

As far as the STDs, you simply send a card to everyone who received a save the date stating that you're sorry, but the wedding will not take place at that date, time, and location as originally planned. This is only rude if you were to cut some people but not others from the guest list for the same event, but once you reschedule and change the venue, you have planned a new event and can start your guest list over.

MoxieMickie · August 2013

This isn't a wedding planning issue; this is a relationship with parents issue. They will not suddenly get better after the wedding. I would send announcements to all STDers that the wedding will not occur as planned and either elope or have the small wedding I could afford. If they are paying you won't really be able to cut them out of planning. You and your FI should also talk about how you two will interact with them (eg will they have a key to your house, how often will you see them, etc.)
Good luck.

s-aries8990 · August 2013

lastminute2013 said:

We already sent out save the dates to 135, 80% of them are the in-laws friends.

My fiance can afford to host the event but I am not sure how to convince him this is the solution.

If we cut them off from the planning, what will they be like the days of the wedding? Has anyone done this?

Can you host a lower-key affair? An afternoon cocktail reception at 2pm? a brunch reception at 10am? A dessert reception at 8pm? Host a barbecue? You don't need a fancy affair. Before you said you wanted a small wedding, so just make it less elaborate. Keep the date if you can.

If you can't convince him that you two need to STEP AWAY from his parents' choke hold, then you have bigger fish to fry.

kmmssg · August 2013

If you cancel the wedding you do not have to invite everyone who received a STD to the new wedding. Cancel the one currently planned, plan to elope, and be done.

Are there some cultural issues at work here? WTH with quarantining you, telling you that you can't eat, and can only see your parents.

Something is very, very wrong here. Does your FI think his parents are crazy or does he agree with their ways?

We need a LOT more info on them, cultural ways, etc to be able to help you. This is so bizarre that I keep going back to some kind of deep cultural issues. I could be wrong on that.

Let's break this down:

Isolating someone against their will

Not letting them eat

Controlling what they do eat or drink?

Those all occur during kidnapping too...

More info please. This is a bad situation from what you have described so far.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

You're in a really tough position, but your fiance needs to back you every step of the way.

These people are BSC! Their demands are bizarre, manipulative and controlling.

You two need to decline their money and start with a clean slate. I'm sure you're anxious to get married, but think about how stressed out you are (and how f-ing nuts they are). It's not the way you want to start your life with FI. Here's what I would do:

1. Cancel anything that's been booked.

2. Send out announcements that the wedding will not take place as planned.

3. Choose a new date and start planning whatever you want with your own money.

4. DO NOT talk wedding with them.

Your FI needs to break this news to them. It's his family.

OliveOilsMom · August 2013

You can send a note to all people who have received a STD reading: "The wedding of x and y will not take place as planned." Then you have your FI pick a new date and plan your wedding for that day. Only send invitations to everyone on your new list. Don't bother with STDs for the new date.

As for speaking with the in-laws. I think it's best if you and FI go to speak with them in person. Let FI do the majority of the talking since its his family. FI: Mom and dad, while we appreciate your offer to pay for the wedding. We are going to decline your money now, your demands on FI and I have gotten too out of control. So we are just going to plan the wedding that FI and I want.

Don't let FILs trick you into thinking they will change their ways, they won't. Those are some crazy, FU'd demands. Start setting the precident that you and FI won't be bowled over by their every whim. It will help you later in your married life together - to be that united front.

arrippa · August 2013

Normally, the person who pays, gets their way, however, those "rules" are ridiculous. They sound very controlling. I would decline their help and pay for it yourself. If you can't, then cancel and plan something smaller. I am concerned since it doesn't sound like your FI thinks this is a problem. Please tell me that's not true, because if it is, you also have a FI problem. Demanding that you don't eat all day or limiting your drinking to one glass of alcohol and who and how many people you see before you get married is NOT okay.

jlhart76 · August 2013

I'm trying to imagine what I would say to anyone ignorant enough to demand any of this, much less all of it. The most polite response I could come up with is to tell them they're out of their mind. I'm sorry, but I'm a grown woman and wouldn't allow anyone to treat me like a 5 year old. Seriously, are they gonna come up and say "now honey it's time for you to go beddie bye"? And then to top it off they want to go on your honeymoon with you? Anyone who would consider this is insane.

Elope and tell psycho mom you just couldn't wait any longer. Or tell her "screw you" and plan your own wedding. And sorry, but she can call all the STD people and explain that her insane ideas caused her son to want to get married without her there.

KDM323 · August 2013

If someone tried to tell me when I was allowed to eat or drink - there would be no power point presentation about how crazy it was...they'd be flat out TOLD they were way out of line and had lost their minds.

That's some crazy stuff right there...and REALLY controlling.

If your fiance doesn't see or understand that...and if he isn't already standing up for you and telling his parents they are nuts...you may want to seriously reconsider marrying into this dysfunction.

grumbledore · August 2013

s-aries8990 said:

You can cancel your plans now, decline their money, and host the wedding you and FI can afford.

They who pay have the final say, so unfortunately if they are paying for everything, they get a say in what they host.

I think your FI needs to put on his big boy pants and tell his parents that they are being overbearing.

This. I'd cancel and plan my own wedding, even if it ended up having to be a $500 BBQ. F that noise.

ETA: While generally it is true that whoever pays ultimately makes the decisions, in this case they are so far out of line that I don't think that applies. Frankly those demands sound like rules from a cult or something, really weird.

MobKaz · August 2013

lastminute2013 said:

In-laws are paying for the wedding. We are giving the In laws everything they ask for without a fight and their behavior is still really stressful. I'm sorry to say but that precedent that YOU and your FI set has dictated the tone, and given them the power.

My fiance had a long phone call with them about the effort we are putting in planning this etc. and how we all want to have a nice wedding and asking them to notice their own behavior. Have your in laws acknowledged their behavior at all?? This has had no affect. We put together a presentation with photos, planning details and timelines in hopes this would give them perspective. What was their response? If they took absolutely nothing from this presentation, I'm not quite sure why you continued to move forward.

I was thinking I could just turn everything over to a wedding coordinator and have her deal with them? I am so disappointed pointed that they are creating so much drama. I don't know how to deal with this. I do not see how a wedding coordinator would have any better chance of enforcing your ideas. If the in laws have no respect for you and FI, I cannot imagine they would have any for a random stranger. If what you meant was to bow out of the planning completely, then you don't need a wedding planner for that. And, ironically, who would pay for the planner. If the in laws are paying for everything else, the planner would side with the person writing the checks.

They have decided that:
- I shouldn't eat anything on the wedding day until the 6pm dinner Unless your in laws hire someone to enforce this insanity, or never leave your side throughout the day, this is clearly impossible to enforce.
- I am not allowed to have more than 1 alcoholic drink the entire day (just in case I was planning on being drunk the whole time!) Again, not really enforceable. And, I might add...with the ceremony done and the reception on, what have you got to lose at this point?
- My mother and father are the only people (besides my in-Laws) that I am allowed to see before wedding ceremony. The 3 of us are supposed to sit in a room alone together isolated from anyone else. (???) Again....who is going to stop you from leaving?
- They are already trying to make plans for us to have a vacation together the day after the wedding Let them plan away. Don't show up. Or are they making you spend your honeymoon night with them as well?

I have to go over catering with them and invitations but I am dreading it. They refuse to give us a budget for anything. They know exactly how they want every detail but they won't tell me until I have already done the work and come up with a plan. Quit planning if it truly is futile. Then they start yelling, mocking, belittling, etc. I can not even imagine presenting any more wedding information to them. They are getting their way in every possible thing anyhow so I don't understand the need to be so aggressive about it at the same time.

What can I do????

Sorry, OP, but I am having a hard time buying this. If it really is true, then do as other posters have suggested and get out of Dodge now. You literally have nothing to lose.

arrippa · August 2013

mobkaz said:

Sorry, OP, but I am having a hard time buying this. If it really is true, then do as other posters have suggested and get out of Dodge now. You literally have nothing to lose.

A little part of me wondered if it was MUD. I can't imagine anyone thinking it's ok to go without eating until 6 p.m. or to limit who the brides sees before the ceremony. I guess you never know.

lastminute2013 · August 2013

This is all good advice, Guys. Thanks for helping me get some perspective. I think I'm trying to smooth this over but it is definitely the time to set the tone with them.

I don't know if we can cancel and reschedule since, for some unknown reason, their friends have already started to book rooms and flights, without waiting for the invite or any info from us on accommodations.

I think my fiance was hoping they will tone down. He said he's never seen them this bad before.

krizzo17 · August 2013

lastminute2013 said:

This is all good advice, Guys. Thanks for helping me get some perspective. I think I'm trying to smooth this over but it is definitely the time to set the tone with them.

I don't know if we can cancel and reschedule since, for some unknown reason, their friends have already started to book rooms and flights, without waiting for the invite or any info from us on accommodations.

I think my fiance was hoping they will tone down. He said he's never seen them this bad before.

If they already booked flights and hotel rooms without receiving an invitation, that's their problem, not yours.

Is there some sort of religious reasoning for having you fast until the ceremony? Otherwise, I'm completely confused (Not that they should be forcing their religion on you, just curious)

OliveOilsMom · August 2013

Ditto krizzo, their friends booking flights and what not, is NOT your problem. All the more reason to cancel as quickly as possible. Send out the note cards about your wedding being canceled, so they can change their plans.

MoxieMickie · August 2013

Maggie0829 · August 2013

Seriously cancel this wedding now! There is always time to cancel a wedding. If you let them control every aspect of your wedding down to when and what you can eat and drink think about how it will be in the future? Will they control when you get pregnant or when you can start trying? Will they control how you raise a baby? Will they control where you live? What you drive? Where you shop? Where you vacation?

You need to nip this in the butt ASAP. And if your FI is not on the same page with you then it may be time to rethink the entire relationship. Because if he does not 100% think his parents are being completely nuts then you either need to move on or get some major counseling.

Cancel the freaking wedding and plan one on your own terms.

jlhart76 · August 2013

Only time it's too late to cancel a wedding is after the officiant says "husband and wife". Until then, you have plenty of time, it just gets more complicated. But if they're this controlling now, what are they going to be like when they decide its time for you to start having kids?

In-Laws

Re: In-Laws

Choose Another Board

Search Boards