Thanks for the insight

VSaddict22 · August 2013

KeptInStitches · August 2013

No, you can't fire her. Like you said, she hasn't done anything wrong.

No one will ever be as excited about your wedding as you are. She's already been a BM for 9 months. In her mind, it's "VSaddict22's wedding is still so far away, what's her problem?" and you're thinking "BM doesn't care about my wedding!" It's the center of your world, it's an event in hers. Have you tried asking her out for coffee to talk about what's going on in her life?

Teddy917 · August 2013

All she has to do is get the dress and show up on time.

HisGirlFriday13 · August 2013

VSaddict22 said: I asked a friend to be a bridesmaid right before she told me that she was moving to Colorado (over 1,000 mi. away!). She was very excited to be a part of the wedding, and still seems to be...when she does talk. In the 9 months that she's been a bridesmaid I've only heard from her once every one or two months, and there are some times that she just doesn't reply. In all fairness, I knew she was flighty to begin with. It's not that she's done anything wrong, it's that she hasn't done anything at all. I would love to have her at my wedding, but I don't know if I should have her in my wedding.

No.

No, absolutely not.

No. You cannot fire a bridesmaid and intend to maintain the friendship.

You should not have picked your bridesmaids more than 6 to 9 months ahead of the wedding, in part because friendships change and people move away and life happens.

A bridesmaid's sole duty is to get the right dress and show up on time and sober. Nothing else.

If you knew she was flighty before you asked her to be a BM, you cannot expect that she'll be any different now that she *is* a BM.

If she hasn't done anything wrong, you have less than no reason to fire her. You say "she hasn't done anything at all." She hasn't had to do anything yet. She has to buy the dress you pick (after you have consulted with her and the other BMs individually on price point and chosen something at or below the lowest price point) and show up. That's it.

The bridal industry wants you to buy into the hype and hyperbole that you and your BMs are going to spend all your/their free time doing DIY projects, helping you pick flowers and centrepieces and whatever else. It's great if they want to, but they absolutely don't have to. The only people who absolutely have to do things relating to your wedding are you and your FI. And no one but the two of you will ever be as excited about your wedding as y'all are. That's just reality.

Please don't fire her. You were at one point close enough you wanted her to be a BM. If nothing other than geography has changed, you cannot ask her to step down without irreparably damaging your friendship.

BrandNewJ · August 2013

You shouldn't "fire" a bridesmaid for the potential that it will ruin your friendship. All she needs to do is show up on time, in the dress, and sober. If she doesn't order the dress that she is electing to remove herself. If she's always been flighty, that should continue to be the expectation. Good luck!

phira · August 2013

Should you fire her? No.

First of all, there are very few circumstances where it would be okay for you to ask someone to not be in the wedding party after asking them.

Second of all, as others have already stated, she's not required to do anything except buy the dress you ask her to buy, wear it, and show up on time and sober for the rehearsal and the wedding.

You say that the problem is that she hasn't done anything ... and that you two don't talk very often. Again, there's nothing she's SUPPOSED to do besides wear the dress and show up. How often do you make an effort to chat with her? And when you do, what do you talk about? The wedding? Because that gets old fast.

Bubbles2014 · August 2013

She is probably just busy. I sometimes don't talk to or see my BM for weeks at a time. She has a lot on and so do I. Don't worry about it.

zitiqueen · August 2013

VSaddict22 said:

I asked a friend to be a bridesmaid right before she told me that she was moving to Colorado (over 1,000 mi. away!). She was very excited to be a part of the wedding, and still seems to be...when she does talk. In the 9 months that she's been a bridesmaid I've only heard from her once every one or two months, and there are some times that she just doesn't reply. In all fairness, I knew she was flighty to begin with. It's not that she's done anything wrong, it's that she hasn't done anything at all. I would love to have her at my wedding, but I don't know if I should have her in my wedding.

She just started a new life over a thousand miles away and you're upset that your wedding isn't the most important thing in her world? Yeah, she's the crappy friend here.

banana468 · August 2013

Considering she isn't in a hired position, I'm not sure how she can be fired.

How often are you calling to see how SHE is doing?

Xstatic3333 · August 2013

None of my BM helped me plan (my choice-a couple did offer to) two rarely responded to emails about wedding stuff until recently, and most would ask me about school or my job search before asking about the wedding. I still love them all and they still are excited to stand up with me. I think TV and movies give a twisted view if how involved BM should be. In reality, the wedding should be what you and your FI want, and too many opinions can take away from that. Exhale, adjust expectations, and PLEASE don't kick your friend out! She would probably be crushed.

vk2204 · August 2013

Dude, no you should not fire her.

mlg78 · August 2013

"Fire" her? Do you give her performance reviews? Raises? Have you written her up?

Being a bridesmaid isn't a job, my dear...

Perhaps you need to be a friend to her first.

grumbledore · August 2013

VSaddict22 said:

I asked a friend to be a bridesmaid right before she told me that she was moving to Colorado (over 1,000 mi. away!). She was very excited to be a part of the wedding, and still seems to be...when she does talk. In the 9 months that she's been a bridesmaid I've only heard from her once every one or two months, and there are some times that she just doesn't reply. In all fairness, I knew she was flighty to begin with. It's not that she's done anything wrong, it's that she hasn't done anything at all. I would love to have her at my wedding, but I don't know if I should have her in my wedding.

No. You should not "fire" her. She's not an employee and she certainly hasn't done anything worthy of ending your friendship with her.

s-aries8990 · August 2013

VSaddict22 said:

I asked a friend to be a bridesmaid right before she told me that she was moving to Colorado (over 1,000 mi. away!). She was very excited to be a part of the wedding, and still seems to be...when she does talk. In the 9 months that she's been a bridesmaid I've only heard from her once every one or two months, and there are some times that she just doesn't reply. In all fairness, I knew she was flighty to begin with. It's not that she's done anything wrong, it's that she hasn't done anything at all. I would love to have her at my wedding, but I don't know if I should have her in my wedding.

So she's moving conceivably half way across the country, and you're parting gift to her would be taking away an honor you bestowed on her? "Congrats on moving! How about we not be friends anymore!" What you are planning is rude and hurtful and would make YOU the one who needs to be fired from the friendship.

You hear FROM her every month or two - but how often do YOU CALL HER to ask how her new life is? Hmm? I'm guessing not much "with the wedding and all!" Right? Well wouldn't she be under similar stresses - having moved over a THOUSAND miles away? Call her and schedule a skype coffee date.

AND she all she REALLY has to do is buy the dress, show up on time, mostly sober, looking clean and smile for pictures. What more do you want her to do? She's a thousand mile away.

Abbyjensen · August 2013

I know that the wedding is always the first thing on YOUR mind, but that doesn't mean it's the first thing on her mind, or that it will ever be on her mind at all until it's time for her to buy a dress or hop on the plane. This doesn't mean she is a bad friend. Your friendship was strong before the wedding, and hopefully continue after the wedding. In your life, it's a huge deal. In her life, it's a single day in someone else's life. And that's okay.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

Kicking a BM out of your wedding is a friendship ending move. You said she's flighty to begin with - she's not going to change just because she's in your wedding. Add her personality to the fact that she moved 1,000 miles away. Just curious, what are you expecting out of her that makes you want to kick this poor girl to the curb?

Whatever it is that you're expecting, considering her only "job" is to show up to your wedding sober and in the dress you picked out, I'm pretty sure she can't be fired at this time.

crunchymamaof2 · August 2013

If roles were reversed how would you feel if she did this to you? You said it yourself- she's done nothing wrong. Why would you do something so hurtful to her then? There's nothing that she has to do other than buy the dress and show up. She just moved half way across the country, don't put more pressure on her.

Maggie0829 · August 2013

You say she hasn't done anything at all. What type of things are you expecting her to do?

You say she hasn't done anything wrong so I really don't get why you feel the need to "fire" her.

Put yourself in her shoes. You just moved a thousand miles away to a new place with new people, most likely a new job and you are trying to get settled without any help from anyone because everyone you know is back home. Then your friend comes along and "fires" you from the wedding party because you haven't done anything in regards to her wedding. Would you be pissed that this friend of yours is more concerned about a one day party then about how you are doing in a new place? Would you feel hurt that this friend thought so little of you that she no longer wanted you to be a part of her wedding because you were too busy getting acclimated and so far away that you couldn't help with her wedding even if you wanted to?

Think about it. Is your wedding that important that you are willing to lose a friend, who has done nothing wrong, over it?

harper0813 · August 2013

Has she bought her dress? If she hasn't, she is taking herself out of the wedding. If she has, she has done all that's required of her.

Just be a good friend to her. Reach out to her to talk on a regular basis. Reaching out once a month is rather sad.

AddieCake · August 2013

She should fire you as a friend.

MayDay513 · August 2013

VSaddict22 said:

I asked a friend to be a bridesmaid right before she told me that she was moving to Colorado (over 1,000 mi. away!). She was very excited to be a part of the wedding, and still seems to be...when she does talk. In the 9 months that she's been a bridesmaid I've only heard from her once every one or two months, and there are some times that she just doesn't reply. In all fairness, I knew she was flighty to begin with. It's not that she's done anything wrong, it's that she hasn't done anything at all. I would love to have her at my wedding, but I don't know if I should have her in my wedding.

Did you hire her? Did you pay her to be your bridesmaid?
She hasn't done anything wrong.

LiLe422 · August 2013

banana468 said:

Considering she isn't in a hired position, I'm not sure how she can be fired. How often are you calling to see how SHE is doing?

My thought exactly.

Unless she is hired help you cannot fire her. And if you decide to kick her out of your wedding party, be prepared to lose a friend because that would be a real dick move, OP.

arrippa · August 2013

Listen to the PPs. If you fire her, then prepare to lose the friendship. It will also make you look like a brideszilla. No one is as excited for your wedding as you are.

KickAssMOH · August 2013

VSaddict22...i think this thread is being a little harsh on you and your poor choice of wording! Aside from wanting to "fire" this chick, I get where you're coming from.

I am in a similar situation with my little sister/MOH. We come from a close-knit family and having lost our mother a couple years ago, it is important to me to have little sis stand by my side. At age 26, she is suprisingly and unfortuantely clueless about wedding participation ettiquette. She miserably dragged her feet when planning an engagement party for me, complaining often, and later on throwing in my face that she took the time to plan one at all. She has since moved out of state. Throughout the past year, I have seen one or two glimpses of excitement from her to be involved in my wedding, but they are few and far between. She NEVER replies to group emails, with the exception of one time when I sent out a link to a beautiful necklace I was thinking of buying my BMs - she replied "gross. chunky necklaces are so unflattering." She came to BM Dress Shopping Day wearing a stranger's sweatpants, smeared makeup, and a rat's nest on her head. She now hates the dress she is wearing on my wedding day (despite having chosen the style herself) and will not hesitate to speak her opinion to anyone who asks her. I immediately designated BM #2 incharge of my shower, and BM #3 incharge of bachelorette party. They are older and they know their sh*t, plus I did a damn good job for them - they have since done a fabulous job for me

I take all of this with a grain of salt - little sis just doesn't get it yet, and that's okay. She seemed to want zero responsibility, so I simply reassigned it to the older girls. Ultimately she did throw a cute engagement party for us, she's showed up when and where I've asked her to, and this weekend she is travelling into town for my bachelorette party and is planning to spend her friday night baking penis cookies....and for this, I am grateful. Like I said - she never replies or shows interest, but she's done everything I've asked of her.

You should have no doubt in your mind that this friend of yours will buy her BM dress and will show up and help out when it counts - you must trust her enough to do this, or else why would you have asked her to be your BM in the first place? If she distances herself, doesn't buy the dress, can't make it to your shower or bachelorette party and doesn't feel bad about it...THEN it might make sense to talk to her about whether or not it is financially feasible for her to continue as part of your bridal party... but I'd be careful what you say and make sure to put the decision on her rather than simply kicking her out. Good luck

MayDay513 · August 2013

KickAssMOH said:

VSaddict22...i think this thread is being a little harsh on you and your poor choice of wording! Aside from wanting to "fire" this chick, I get where you're coming from.
I am in a similar situation with my little sister/MOH. We come from a close-knit family and having lost our mother a couple years ago, it is important to me to have little sis stand by my side. At age 26, she is suprisingly and unfortuantely clueless about wedding participation ettiquette. She miserably dragged her feet when planning an engagement party for me, complaining often, and later on throwing in my face that she took the time to plan one at all. She has since moved out of state. Throughout the past year, I have seen one or two glimpses of excitement from her to be involved in my wedding, but they are few and far between. She NEVER replies to group emails, with the exception of one time when I sent out a link to a beautiful necklace I was thinking of buying my BMs - she replied "gross. chunky necklaces are so unflattering." She came to BM Dress Shopping Day wearing a stranger's sweatpants, smeared makeup, and a rat's nest on her head. She now hates the dress she is wearing on my wedding day (despite having chosen the style herself) and will not hesitate to speak her opinion to anyone who asks her. I immediately designated BM #2 incharge of my shower, and BM #3 incharge of bachelorette party. They are older and they know their sh*t, plus I did a damn good job for them - they have since done a fabulous job for me
I take all of this with a grain of salt - little sis just doesn't get it yet, and that's okay. She seemed to want zero responsibility, so I simply reassigned it to the older girls. Ultimately she did throw a cute engagement party for us, she's showed up when and where I've asked her to, and this weekend she is travelling into town for my bachelorette party and is planning to spend her friday night baking penis cookies....and for this, I am grateful. Like I said - she never replies or shows interest, but she's done everything I've asked of her.
You should have no doubt in your mind that this friend of yours will buy her BM dress and will show up and help out when it counts - you must trust her enough to do this, or else why would you have asked her to be your BM in the first place? If she distances herself, doesn't buy the dress, can't make it to your shower or bachelorette party and doesn't feel bad about it...THEN it might make sense to talk to her about whether or not it is financially feasible for her to continue as part of your bridal party... but I'd be careful what you say and make sure to put the decision on her rather than simply kicking her out. Good luck

What exactly is wedding participation etiquette?
No one needs to throw you an engagement party.
Who cares what your bridesmaids wear to go try on dresses?

Last bolded part- if your BM does not buy the dress, she has taken herself out of the wedding. Take the hint. No need to talk to her about it.

ETA:spelling

LiLe422 · August 2013

KickAssMOH said:

VSaddict22...i think this thread is being a little harsh on you and your poor choice of wording! Aside from wanting to "fire" this chick, I get where you're coming from.
I am in a similar situation with my little sister/MOH. We come from a close-knit family and having lost our mother a couple years ago, it is important to me to have little sis stand by my side. At age 26, she is suprisingly and unfortuantely clueless about wedding participation ettiquette. She miserably dragged her feet when planning an engagement party for me, complaining often, and later on throwing in my face that she took the time to plan one at all. She has since moved out of state. Throughout the past year, I have seen one or two glimpses of excitement from her to be involved in my wedding, but they are few and far between. She NEVER replies to group emails, with the exception of one time when I sent out a link to a beautiful necklace I was thinking of buying my BMs - she replied "gross. chunky necklaces are so unflattering." She came to BM Dress Shopping Day wearing a stranger's sweatpants, smeared makeup, and a rat's nest on her head. She now hates the dress she is wearing on my wedding day (despite having chosen the style herself) and will not hesitate to speak her opinion to anyone who asks her. I immediately designated BM #2 incharge of my shower, and BM #3 incharge of bachelorette party. They are older and they know their sh*t, plus I did a damn good job for them - they have since done a fabulous job for me
I take all of this with a grain of salt - little sis just doesn't get it yet, and that's okay. She seemed to want zero responsibility, so I simply reassigned it to the older girls. Ultimately she did throw a cute engagement party for us, she's showed up when and where I've asked her to, and this weekend she is travelling into town for my bachelorette party and is planning to spend her friday night baking penis cookies....and for this, I am grateful. Like I said - she never replies or shows interest, but she's done everything I've asked of her.
You should have no doubt in your mind that this friend of yours will buy her BM dress and will show up and help out when it counts - you must trust her enough to do this, or else why would you have asked her to be your BM in the first place? If she distances herself, doesn't buy the dress, can't make it to your shower or bachelorette party and doesn't feel bad about it...THEN it might make sense to talk to her about whether or not it is financially feasible for her to continue as part of your bridal party... but I'd be careful what you say and make sure to put the decision on her rather than simply kicking her out. Good luck

Your sense of entitlement is killing me right now. Its actually quite disgusting.

My little sister was my MOH too. She did not plan any of the pre-wedding parties or gush over my wedding at. all. You know what she did do? She went with me to my dress appointments (because she wanted to), fluffed my dress right before the processional and held my flowers while we exchanged rings. For that -- I am grateful!

She is your sister/moh, not your bitch! You're expecting wayyyy too much from her.

MrsCaseyMack · August 2013

Definitely not. Asking a bridesmaid to step down is a very serious thing and it sounds like she has not done anything wrong.

KickAssMOH · August 2013

I don't mean to offend anyone on here. I think it's pretty standard to have at least a baseline of expectations for what your bridesmaids will do and/or show up for, as long as you communicate that clearly and kindly. If someone who you love buys their BM dress, ignores you during your wedding planning process, and simply shows up the day of your wedding, you'd be lieing if you said that you were pleased with their level of participation in the whole thing.

That being said, if you're disgusted by my post then you're missing my point; I love and appreciate my sister. It would be great if she cared more, but she doesn't. Same with the woman who started this thread - she probably just wishes the friend cared more.

muenginerd · August 2013

Moving across the country is alot. I would imagine she has a lot going on.

If you need to hear back from her do you maybe leave a VM that say something like, "I need to really talk to you, please call me back." I know I call friends many times and don't leave a message or say something like, "just calling to say hi no need to call back." But if I say "I need to talk" then I get a call back sooner than later.

When is your wedding too? Maybe it's far enough out that friend doesn't think there's much going on now. I asked cousin's across the country to be in our wedding in April, we haven't really talked about it since then because it's next June and there's really nothing for them to do quite yet.

arrippa · August 2013

KickAssMOH said:

I don't mean to offend anyone on here. I think it's pretty standard to have at least a baseline of expectations for what your bridesmaids will do and/or show up for, as long as you communicate that clearly and kindly. If someone who you love buys their BM dress, ignores you during your wedding planning process, and simply shows up the day of your wedding, you'd be lieing if you said that you were pleased with their level of participation in the whole thing.

That being said, if you're disgusted by my post then you're missing my point; I love and appreciate my sister. It would be great if she cared more, but she doesn't. Same with the woman who started this thread - she probably just wishes the friend cared more.

I wouldn't be lying if I said that since I actually told my MOH and BM that all they need to do is buy a dress. In fact, we barely even talk about my wedding, which I am fine with. My FI and I are the only ones doing the planning and I don't need any help or support from my loved ones.

Look, we are just trying to tell the OP not to do any rash or she could lose a friendship.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

KickAssMOH said:

VSaddict22...i think this thread is being a little harsh on you and your poor choice of wording! Aside from wanting to "fire" this chick, I get where you're coming from.
I am in a similar situation with my little sister/MOH. We come from a close-knit family and having lost our mother a couple years ago, it is important to me to have little sis stand by my side. At age 26, she is suprisingly and unfortuantely clueless about wedding participation ettiquette.
There is no wedding participation etiquette outside of buying the agreed upon dress, and showing up on time for the ceremony and sober. Smiling in pictures is an added bonus. Brace yourself for the blunt and disapproving comments you are about to get. . .
She miserably dragged her feet when planning an engagement party for me, complaining often, and later on throwing in my face that she took the time to plan one at all.
Uh, no one is obligated to throw you an pre-wedding parties. Those are gifts to you by people who CHOOSE to host them for you. No one is obligated to buy you any wedding gifts either.
She has since moved out of state. Throughout the past year, I have seen one or two glimpses of excitement from her to be involved in my wedding, but they are few and far between.
No one is ever going to be as excited your your wedding as you are. It's your wedding, not hers! She may be your sister, but to her this isn't a monumental life moment, it's just another social event. That doesn't mean she isn't happy for you, but sheesh! Only you and your FI are going to be continually excited for your wedding for an entire year.
She NEVER replies to group emails,
Maybe you are sending too many. . .
with the exception of one time when I sent out a link to a beautiful necklace I was thinking of buying my BMs - she replied "gross. chunky necklaces are so unflattering." She came to BM Dress Shopping Day wearing a stranger's sweatpants, smeared makeup, and a rat's nest on her head. She now hates the dress she is wearing on my wedding day (despite having chosen the style herself) and will not hesitate to speak her opinion to anyone who asks her. I immediately designated BM #2 incharge of my shower, and BM #3 incharge of bachelorette party.
Well, wasn't that nice of you. Nice of you to presume that they even wanted to throw you these events! See 2nd comment above. For as tacky as your behavior was, you should have just hosted these two events yourself.
They are older and they know their sh*t, plus I did a damn good job for them - they have since done a fabulous job for me
I take all of this with a grain of salt - little sis just doesn't get it yet, and that's okay. She seemed to want zero responsibility, so I simply reassigned it to the older girls. Ultimately she did throw a cute engagement party for us, she's showed up when and where I've asked her to, and this weekend she is travelling into town for my bachelorette party and is planning to spend her friday night baking penis cookies....and for this, I am grateful. Like I said - she never replies or shows interest, but she's done everything I've asked of her.
Again, it's not her wedding and if you are bombarding her with requests she might be sick of this wedding already and views it as a chore.
You should have no doubt in your mind that this friend of yours will buy her BM dress and will show up and help out when it counts - you must trust her enough to do this, or else why would you have asked her to be your BM in the first place? If she distances herself, doesn't buy the dress, can't make it to your shower or bachelorette party and doesn't feel bad about it...THEN it might make sense to talk to her about whether or not it is financially feasible for her to continue as part of your bridal party...
No. Unless you want to wreck a relationship with someone who is supposed to be very close to you, THEN by all means ask your sister/friend to step down. See what happens.
but I'd be careful what you say and make sure to put the decision on her rather than simply kicking her out. Good luck
Oh yeah, because no matter how you think you are phrasing it, the message is the same. You ARE kicking her out.

KickAssMOH said:

I don't mean to offend anyone on here. I think it's pretty standard to have at least a baseline of expectations for what your bridesmaids will do and/or show up for,

Yes, it's standard for entitled women who buy into all the hype and hoopla of the bridal industry and confuse their wedding with an excuse to act in a spoiled manner.

as long as you communicate that clearly and kindly. If someone who you love buys their BM dress, ignores you during your wedding planning process, and simply shows up the day of your wedding, you'd be lieing if you said that you were pleased with their level of participation in the whole thing.

Nope, I'd be fine with it and I am fine with it because as stated above the extent of their participation is to buy the agreed upon dress and show up on time and sober. If you need help planning things, that's your FI's job because it's his frigging wedding too. If your FI refuses or has no interest and you still need help, then hire a wedding coordinator. They get paid to enjoy planning and participating in weddings.

It's a bonus to me if my friends and family ask to help with anything.

That being said, if you're disgusted by my post then you're missing my point; I love and appreciate my sister. It would be great if she cared more, but she doesn't.

You sure aren't acting like you love and appreciate your sister.

Same with the woman who started this thread - she probably just wishes the friend cared more.

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_loh48313Pa1qkwc9zo1_500.gif

Thanks for the insight

Re: Thanks for the insight

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