In-Laws

GlassButton · August 2013

lastminute2013 said:
This is all good advice, Guys. Thanks for helping me get some perspective. I think I'm trying to smooth this over but it is definitely the time to set the tone with them.

I don't know if we can cancel and reschedule since, for some unknown reason, their friends have already started to book rooms and flights, without waiting for the invite or any info from us on accommodations.

I think my fiance was hoping they will tone down. He said he's never seen them this bad before.

I understand they shouldn't have booked hotel rooms and flights but I also don't see the need to cancel your wedding. You don't need to reschedule you just need to kick them out of the planning and pay for what hasn't been paid yourself. If they wish to be reimbursed then pay them back ASAP. Also, before telling them anything make sure to contact vendors and let them know they have zero say over anything. You can never be too careful with crazy.

As for your fiancé never seeing them this crazy, it's fine. But he better get them back in line.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

Hotels can be canceled with a full refund - no problem. Flights can be transferred to another trip.

And all that noise doesn't matter anyway. These guests of your crazy inlaws don't matter. What does matter is the tone you set for your relationship with them going forward. Cancel. The longer you wait, the more complicated it gets. Talk to your FI and put the breaks on. Like tonight.

lastminute2013 · August 2013

- At first, I thought the no food was some Jewish fasting custom. They just don't want any eating or drinking because they are convinced we will drink alcohol or spill food on ourselves, this includes everyone in the wedding party, not just me. They seem to have some unusual fears about everyone getting drunk or carried away eating. I was hoping an early breakfast was ok but she kept asking me, "why do you want to eat on wedding day??", so maybe not.

- They are also prohibiting the groom from socializing or having anyone with him before the wedding because they think things will get out of hand.

kmmssg - There is no cultural or religious reason for any of this! They are very controlling in general and it doesn't seem like any of their kids ever say no to them.

- I think it is a great Idea to have him break this news to them without me. Not to talking about the wedding sounds great. (especially since they now have a set time they call us each week to go over all of the details)

- I don't think it have even dawned on them that we would be having a honeymoon after the wedding!!! They are flying out to the wedding they extended their stay in both directions, arriving much earlier and leaving much later, expecting us to spend time with them & also to be a part of the planning. Also, about 2 weeks after the wedding is a holiday & they expect us to fly out to visit them. I just don't think they are thinking about things reasonably.

Mobkaz: I had hoped if we were agreeable then they would be too. I decided it was more important to them to pick out chair covers and would make an easier day for everyone.I never thought they would get more and more demanding. We all had a big fight yesterday about this when we were presenting our wedding plan to them and it was just the final straw. That is when all of these weird requests cam e up.

OliveOIlsMom: I really like the text you wrote for speaking with them! I will cut and paste that.

I really appreciate your insight, guys. I was wondering if I was confused!! I am so surprised that I am the person fighting with thier crazy in-laws!!I don't know if we want to cancel yet but hopefully we will have a long talk about it tonight.

MobKaz · August 2013

GlassButton said:

This is all good advice, Guys. Thanks for helping me get some perspective. I think I'm trying to smooth this over but it is definitely the time to set the tone with them.

I don't know if we can cancel and reschedule since, for some unknown reason, their friends have already started to book rooms and flights, without waiting for the invite or any info from us on accommodations.

I think my fiance was hoping they will tone down. He said he's never seen them this bad before.
I understand they shouldn't have booked hotel rooms and flights but I also don't see the need to cancel your wedding. You don't need to reschedule you just need to kick them out of the planning and pay for what hasn't been paid yourself. If they wish to be reimbursed then pay them back ASAP. Also, before telling them anything make sure to contact vendors and let them know they have zero say over anything. You can never be too careful with crazy. As for your fiancé never seeing them this crazy, it's fine. But he better get them back in line.

I have to disagree. They need a clean slate. If they do not reschedule, they are obliged to invite all guests on the original list. OP said that at least 80% of that list is friends of the in-laws. That does not sound like the list of the bride and groom. Why would they want to pay for vendors and/or items in which they had no say? They need to break clean from the madness. Either way it is handled, there will be fallout. It would be better for B & G to be true to themselves and suffer the consequences, rather than continue with the wedding as (in-laws) planned and simply take over the payments.

Maggie0829 · August 2013

@lastminute2013 if they have always been controlling then they will continue to be controlling. Having another talk with them is not going to help things. But pulling the rug out from under their feet and telling them that you are canceling the wedding and will be rescheduling and planning/paying for one yourself with your own terms will definitely knock some sense into them and realize that they can no longer control your FI or you.

I am sorry but as soon as they brought up the no eating and no socializing before the ceremony I would have told them to fuck off.

bethsmiles · August 2013

Maggie0829 said:

@lastminute2013 if they have always been controlling then they will continue to be controlling. Having another talk with them is not going to help things. But pulling the rug out from under their feet and telling them that you are canceling the wedding and will be rescheduling and planning/paying for one yourself with your own terms will definitely knock some sense into them and realize that they can no longer control your FI or you.

I am sorry but as soon as they brought up the no eating and no socializing before the ceremony I would have told them to fuck off.

This! 100% this. You are past needing to have a chat. It needs to be made clear to them you and your FI will not be letting them control their lives.

Also, does your FI say no to them? Because if not you have a big FI problem as well.

MobKaz · August 2013

lastminute2013 said:

- At first, I thought the no food was some Jewish fasting custom. They just don't want any eating or drinking because they are convinced we will drink alcohol or spill food on ourselves, this includes everyone in the wedding party, not just me. They seem to have some unusual fears about everyone getting drunk or carried away eating. I was hoping an early breakfast was ok but she kept asking me, "why do you want to eat on wedding day??", so maybe not. Honestly, I am not even sure why you would want or need to discuss your breakfast plans with your FMIL. The simple answer is "I have been eating for XX number of years and have managed just fine." The other obvious answer/solution is to eat before you dress.

- They are also prohibiting the groom from socializing or having anyone with him before the wedding because they think things will get out of hand. Again, I have to wonder how they will actually put this scenario into play. Does your FI not have his friends to have his back? I hardly think one FIL can take on an entire wedding party.

kmmssg - There is no cultural or religious reason for any of this! They are very controlling in general and it doesn't seem like any of their kids ever say no to them.

- I think it is a great Idea to have him break this news to them without me. Not to talking about the wedding sounds great. (especially since they now have a set time they call us each week to go over all of the details)

- I don't think it have even dawned on them that we would be having a honeymoon after the wedding!!! They are flying out to the wedding they extended their stay in both directions, arriving much earlier and leaving much later, expecting us to spend time with them & also to be a part of the planning. Also, about 2 weeks after the wedding is a holiday & they expect us to fly out to visit them. I just don't think they are thinking about things reasonably. If they are travelling for this wedding, can I assume it is being held where you and FI live? The easiest way to not spend time with them is to have other plans. At that point, almost all the planning should be done. As far as 2 weeks after the wedding, your FIL's can "expect" all they want, but no one can force you to purchase tickets or go to visit them.

Mobkaz: I had hoped if we were agreeable then they would be too. I decided it was more important to them to pick out chair covers and would make an easier day for everyone.I never thought they would get more and more demanding. We all had a big fight yesterday about this when we were presenting our wedding plan to them and it was just the final straw. That is when all of these weird requests cam e up.

OliveOIlsMom: I really like the text you wrote for speaking with them! I will cut and paste that.

I really appreciate your insight, guys. I was wondering if I was confused!! I am so surprised that I am the person fighting with thier crazy in-laws!!I don't know if we want to cancel yet but hopefully we will have a long talk about it tonight.

I have to ask you, OP. You said you thought the fasting request was perhaps a Jewish custom. Can I infer that you are not Jewish? Would their behavior perhaps be a result of them not being happy your FI is marrying out of his faith? That would at least explain (in my mind) some of their hostility, resentment, and disrespect. That is not to say I agree with it. But, in their minds, if they "lost that battle", I could see where they would make damn sure no other battle would be lost. (I hope none of that came across as offensive to anyone, as that is not my intent.)

Dreamergirl8812 · August 2013

OP, how old are you and FI? And is your FI really okay with being sequestered the day of the wedding because his mommy and daddy told him to?

zitiqueen · August 2013

lastminute2013 said:

They are very controlling in general and it doesn't seem like any of their kids ever say no to them.

Then why on earth are you surprised by their behavior? You also realize they'll always be like this because nobody (including your husband) says no to them, right?

The reason they act this way is because it gets them what they want. Why in the world would they stop doing something that gets them what they want? They are not the problem. The people who allow them to behave this way, the people who refuse to say no to them are the problem. That's what you're signing up for.

RebeccaB88 · August 2013

Sorry, OP, but you sound like just as much of a pushover as your FI and his siblings. Plenty to complain about (rightly so, they sound BSC) but no backbone to do or say anything about it. If your 'little chats' haven't done anything yet, they won't. Give it up. Don't keep trying to find a way to fix the problem nicely. It won't work. These people don't understand nice.

Honestly, I'd give FI ONE chance to fix this problem once and for all, and if he doesn't do it, caves in to them again, or goes back on his word after it's done, then I'd walk. It would be up to him if he came with me or not. You have an in-law problem, but you have an even bigger FI problem.

But there is nothing in this world that could get me to continue to put up with these controlling, selfish, manipulative, cruel people. If you don't see the danger here, you need a serious wakeup call.

Hedge85 · August 2013

Cancel this wedding now. And then cancel it again just to be safe. When your FILs become that controlling, it's no longer about who's paying for what. If they're controlling you like this on your wedding day, imagine what will happen if/when you have kids. Get out of this while you can.

lastminute2013 · August 2013

Sadly, we are both in our early 30ties and both of us are very familiar with event planning. His parents will not listen to reason, they won't even listen. We are going to talk tonight about cancelling and eloping, rescheduling without their extended guests, or going on and sucking it up.

They haven't written any checks yet since the ceremony and reception venue we are using was a gift to us from the owner and the other details are still being worked out.

I am so upset that this has gotten so crazy. We specifically set a pretty close ceremony date so there wouldn't be endless planning and drama. I had thought we would have a really small dinner with family but then I was kind of excited to plan a big traditional wedding together. I am just so surprised by how messy this has gotten

OliveOilsMom · August 2013

lastminute2013 said:

Sadly, we are both in our early 30ties and both of us are very familiar with event planning. His parents will not listen to reason, they won't even listen. We are going to talk tonight about cancelling and eloping, rescheduling without their extended guests, or going on and sucking it up.

They haven't written any checks yet since the ceremony and reception venue we are using was a gift to us from the owner and the other details are still being worked out.

I am so upset that this has gotten so crazy. We specifically set a pretty close ceremony date so there wouldn't be endless planning and drama. I had thought we would have a really small dinner with family but then I was kind of excited to plan a big traditional wedding together. I am just so surprised by how messy this has gotten

Honestly, the more you post about this, the more the bolded should not be an option any longer.

HisGirlFriday13 · August 2013

lastminute2013 said:

Sadly, we are both in our early 30ties and both of us are very familiar with event planning. His parents will not listen to reason, they won't even listen. We are going to talk tonight about cancelling and eloping, rescheduling without their extended guests, or going on and sucking it up.

They haven't written any checks yet since the ceremony and reception venue we are using was a gift to us from the owner and the other details are still being worked out.

I am so upset that this has gotten so crazy. We specifically set a pretty close ceremony date so there wouldn't be endless planning and drama. I had thought we would have a really small dinner with family but then I was kind of excited to plan a big traditional wedding together. I am just so surprised by how messy this has gotten

If you "go on and suck it up," you are in for a world of trouble in your marriage. As PPs have said, if you don't put a stop to this right now, you're inviting them to be part of your marriage forever. I gather that they live far away from you, since you said about them flying in.

My advice is go to the JP tomorrow, get married, and then present it to them as a fait accompli. Have your then-DH say, "Mom, Dad, this was getting crazy, so we just got married. Yay!" The only way to get them to stop pulling strings is if you cut those strings entirely.

TiaTea · August 2013

Is it even real?

I am laughing at their demands, because they are so unreasonable, and because they have nothing to do with a wedding. They are paying for the wedding and that's that. They get to have the guests they want, and the food they want, and the decorations they want. But that's it. They are not paying to have the bride they want.

Granted , I am not the nicest person, if I were you, I would not ask fiance to deal with them. He did it for all his life and the results are what you see

I'd call them personally. I'd tell them how grateful I am for paying for the wedding. But what I do ( as long as it's not illegal , like drinking and driving) is my business. I'll be on time for the ceremony. I'll be there for the reception, but if I eat, sh-t, dance, drink, brush my teeth, or shave my head is my decision. Before , after, or on the day of the wedding. The same goes for my family. And I'll thank them again for everything they are doing

Have THEM worry if they should cancel the wedding and inform their guests, in case they don't like you. You are a person, not a prop at a party they are planning.
It's " take it or leave it" kind of situation.

What do you think they would do, if you tell them : Sorry , but no.

Also, why do you even have to explain yourself?
When they tell you that you shouldn't eat, don't you just say "No. I'll definitely eat , if I am hungry" ? What's your usual response to their demands?

You are not even related yet, and they dictate your life. Can you inagine to always BE TOLD what to do?

winelover123 · August 2013

I'd tell them to take back their frickin money and we'll pay for something ourselves. No one tells me what to eat, when to eat and who I can't see before my own wedding. You shouldn't be "sucking it up."

hordol · August 2013

Please do not "suck it up and go along with it"...you should not allow them to treat you like that. A big traditonal wedding is NOT worth it if you have to deal with the borderline emotional abuse (and almost physical, what is with the not eating? I know not eating for one day won't kill you but good lord.)

If you go on with the wedding, you are allowing them to be manipulative and cruel, and it will not stop after the wedding. If you choose to have a baby, will they start making unreasonable demands during your pregnancy and then decide that they are the only ones that get to be in the delivery room with you? I just feel like if you accept, you are basically allowing them to continue to treat you and manipulate you for life. You need to put your foot down before it's too late.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

bethsmiles said:

lastminute2013 said:

We already sent out save the dates to 135, 80% of them are the in-laws friends.

My fiance can afford to host the event but I am not sure how to convince him this is the solution.

If we cut them off from the planning, what will they be like the days of the wedding? Has anyone done this?

Cancel the wedding. Start over. Pick a new date. Make-up a new guest list. Do not accept any money from your FILs. If you can afford to plan the wedding you want why on earth would you accept money from your FILs that is just making your miserable? - That's the question I would ask your FI.

I have no idea how your FILs will react. I'm sure it won't be pleasant though. But if you don't put your foot down now, this is how the rest of your life is going to be. They will be constantly trying to control everything.

If by date you mean a new FI, then I agree.

OP, your FIL's are crazy controlling, manipulative, and demanding and your FI appears to be a doormat if he is allowing them to make these demands of his future wife and not say or do a thing.

Why would you want to marry into this mess? As others have said, this is only going to get orders of magnitude worse if you plan on having kids unless you and your FI start to put your foot down now. your FILs need to learn what boundaries are and how to respect them, and your FI needs to learn how to tell his parents to back the eff off and to back you up.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

lastminute2013 said:

- At first, I thought the no food was some Jewish fasting custom. They just don't want any eating or drinking because they are convinced we will drink alcohol or spill food on ourselves, this includes everyone in the wedding party, not just me. They seem to have some unusual fears about everyone getting drunk or carried away eating. I was hoping an early breakfast was ok but she kept asking me, "why do you want to eat on wedding day??", so maybe not.

Yeah, no. If I was in your wedding and the grooms parents told me I couldn't eat or drink until a 6pm reception, I'd tell them their choices are to go eff themselves or to pay to have an ambulance on site so that when I pass the fuck out because by blood sugar dropped too low, I could be properly taken care of.

I'm an adult, I know how to eat in nice clothing w/o getting it all over myself and I know not to get trashed before the wedding ceremony.

If you decide to go through with this wedding, please, please, please go forward with your breakfast idea or be sure to warn everyone in the WP that the grooms parents are BSC control freaks who will attempt to starve them, so they can all be sure to eat up ahead of time.

RamonaFlowers · August 2013

So am I really the ONLY person here who was lost after OP said they literally made a Power Point presentation to show her FILs how out of control they've become? Really? Just me? Okay then.

ETA: correcting autocorrect. Damn you, Ghost of Steve Jobs!

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

RamonaFlowers said:

So am I really the ONLY person here who was lost after OP said they literally made a Power Point presentation to show her FILs howler of control they've become? Really? Just me? Okay then.

What?

I totally missed that part. . . reading/skimming FAIL!

A power point presentation? Really?!

Maggie0829 · August 2013

RamonaFlowers said:

So am I really the ONLY person here who was lost after OP said they literally made a Power Point presentation to show her FILs howler of control they've become? Really? Just me? Okay then.

Um, yeah I missed that part too. But to be honest I stopped reading OP follow up posts because I was tired of her saying that they may just "suck it up." Seriously grow a fucking backbone.

Jessa617 · August 2013

Hopefully OP comes back and let's us all know how things went last night. Did they decide to stand up to the parents, or are they going to suck it up?

Those who pay have the say....in wedding related items/venues/decorations. It doesn't mean they can dictate every single aspect of your life. Does FMIL really think you will be waking up at the crack of dawn and putting your dress on first thing in the morning??

I see you have two options here: Cancel the wedding and plan the one you want and can afford on your own OR tell FILs "Sorry, I will eat drink and visit as I please on my wedding day." If they respond to that by saying fine they won't pay, then that makes it easier on you.

keochan · August 2013

Cancel now. Any travel plans their friends made can be refunded or transferred and are not your problem. Honestly, if my FI let his parents make those demands of me, I'd break off the engagement and seriously consider if I really want to marry someone like that. But that's me.

winelover123 · August 2013

Liatris2010 said:

I know it's pretty, but you need to stop acting like one.

I loved this Lia. OP - how did it go? I'm really hoping you told the ILs to go fuck off.

arrippa · August 2013

winelover123 said:

I loved this Lia. OP - how did it go? I'm really hoping you told the ILs to go fuck off.

Yes, OP- please update us!

OliveOilsMom · August 2013

@lastminute2013 How did the chat go?

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

Gah, I need an update!!!

Jessa617 · August 2013

I don't think she's coming back

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

I think her FIL's prolly locked her in the basement. . or worse!

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