Thanks for the insight

arrippa · August 2013

PrettyGirlLost said:

KickAssMOH said:

VSaddict22...i think this thread is being a little harsh on you and your poor choice of wording! Aside from wanting to "fire" this chick, I get where you're coming from.

I am in a similar situation with my little sister/MOH. We come from a close-knit family and having lost our mother a couple years ago, it is important to me to have little sis stand by my side. At age 26, she is suprisingly and unfortuantely clueless about wedding participation ettiquette.

There is no wedding participation etiquette outside of buying the agreed upon dress, and showing up on time for the ceremony and sober. Smiling in pictures is an added bonus. Brace yourself for the blunt and disapproving comments you are about to get. . .

She miserably dragged her feet when planning an engagement party for me, complaining often, and later on throwing in my face that she took the time to plan one at all.

Uh, no one is obligated to throw you an pre-wedding parties. Those are gifts to you by people who CHOOSE to host them for you. No one is obligated to buy you any wedding gifts either.

She has since moved out of state. Throughout the past year, I have seen one or two glimpses of excitement from her to be involved in my wedding, but they are few and far between.

No one is ever going to be as excited your your wedding as you are. It's your wedding, not hers! She may be your sister, but to her this isn't a monumental life moment, it's just another social event. That doesn't mean she isn't happy for you, but sheesh! Only you and your FI are going to be continually excited for your wedding for an entire year.

She NEVER replies to group emails,

Maybe you are sending too many. . .

with the exception of one time when I sent out a link to a beautiful necklace I was thinking of buying my BMs - she replied "gross. chunky necklaces are so unflattering." She came to BM Dress Shopping Day wearing a stranger's sweatpants, smeared makeup, and a rat's nest on her head. She now hates the dress she is wearing on my wedding day (despite having chosen the style herself) and will not hesitate to speak her opinion to anyone who asks her. I immediately designated BM #2 incharge of my shower, and BM #3 incharge of bachelorette party.

Well, wasn't that nice of you. Nice of you to presume that they even wanted to throw you these events! See 2nd comment above. For as tacky as your behavior was, you should have just hosted these two events yourself.

They are older and they know their sh*t, plus I did a damn good job for them - they have since done a fabulous job for me

I take all of this with a grain of salt - little sis just doesn't get it yet, and that's okay. She seemed to want zero responsibility, so I simply reassigned it to the older girls. Ultimately she did throw a cute engagement party for us, she's showed up when and where I've asked her to, and this weekend she is travelling into town for my bachelorette party and is planning to spend her friday night baking penis cookies....and for this, I am grateful. Like I said - she never replies or shows interest, but she's done everything I've asked of her.

Again, it's not her wedding and if you are bombarding her with requests she might be sick of this wedding already and views it as a chore.

You should have no doubt in your mind that this friend of yours will buy her BM dress and will show up and help out when it counts - you must trust her enough to do this, or else why would you have asked her to be your BM in the first place? If she distances herself, doesn't buy the dress, can't make it to your shower or bachelorette party and doesn't feel bad about it...THEN it might make sense to talk to her about whether or not it is financially feasible for her to continue as part of your bridal party...

No. Unless you want to wreck a relationship with someone who is supposed to be very close to you, THEN by all means ask your sister/friend to step down. See what happens.

but I'd be careful what you say and make sure to put the decision on her rather than simply kicking her out. Good luck

Oh yeah, because no matter how you think you are phrasing it, the message is the same. You ARE kicking her out.

KickAssMOH said:

I don't mean to offend anyone on here. I think it's pretty standard to have at least a baseline of expectations for what your bridesmaids will do and/or show up for,

Yes, it's standard for entitled women who buy into all the hype and hoopla of the bridal industry and confuse their wedding with an excuse to act in a spoiled manner.

as long as you communicate that clearly and kindly. If someone who you love buys their BM dress, ignores you during your wedding planning process, and simply shows up the day of your wedding, you'd be lieing if you said that you were pleased with their level of participation in the whole thing.

Nope, I'd be fine with it and I am fine with it because as stated above the extent of their participation is to buy the agreed upon dress and show up on time and sober. If you need help planning things, that's your FI's job because it's his frigging wedding too. If your FI refuses or has no interest and you still need help, then hire a wedding coordinator. They get paid to enjoy planning and participating in weddings.

It's a bonus to me if my friends and family ask to help with anything.

That being said, if you're disgusted by my post then you're missing my point; I love and appreciate my sister. It would be great if she cared more, but she doesn't.

You sure aren't acting like you love and appreciate your sister.

Same with the woman who started this thread - she probably just wishes the friend cared more.

That's one of my favorite quotes to use on here.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

KickAssMOH said:

I don't mean to offend anyone on here. I think it's pretty standard to have at least a baseline of expectations for what your bridesmaids will do and/or show up for, as long as you communicate that clearly and kindly. If someone who you love buys their BM dress, ignores you during your wedding planning process, and simply shows up the day of your wedding, you'd be lieing if you said that you were pleased with their level of participation in the whole thing.

That being said, if you're disgusted by my post then you're missing my point; I love and appreciate my sister. It would be great if she cared more, but she doesn't. Same with the woman who started this thread - she probably just wishes the friend cared more.

Right - like show up sober in the dress I asked you to buy.

The point here is that brides' expectations of their BMs are often WAYYYYY too high. Often, they want BMs to swoon/squeal over their wedding, help with DIY projects, throw them multiple parties, talk about their wedding for the duration of the engagement, go shopping with them, etc. etc. etc. Oh wait, it sounds like these are all things that you expected of your BMs.... No wonder you were let down.

Delegating tasks to other people and having expectations like this is a breach of etiquette on YOUR end, not theirs.

mlg78 · August 2013

KickAssMoH: you are a bridezilla.

Crap. I hope that doesn't constitute name calling.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

KickAssMOH said:

I don't mean to offend anyone on here. I think it's pretty standard to have at least a baseline of expectations for what your bridesmaids will do and/or show up for, as long as you communicate that clearly and kindly. If someone who you love buys their BM dress, ignores you during your wedding planning process, and simply shows up the day of your wedding, you'd be lieing if you said that you were pleased with their level of participation in the whole thing.

That being said, if you're disgusted by my post then you're missing my point; I love and appreciate my sister. It would be great if she cared more, but she doesn't. Same with the woman who started this thread - she probably just wishes the friend cared more.

Right - like show up sober in the dress I asked you to buy.

The point here is that brides' expectations of their BMs are often WAYYYYY too high. Often, they want BMs to swoon/squeal over their wedding, help with DIY projects, throw them multiple parties, talk about their wedding for the duration of the engagement, go shopping with them, etc. etc. etc. Oh wait, it sounds like these are all things that you expected of your BMs.... No wonder you were let down.

Delegating tasks to other people and having expectations like this is a breach of etiquette on YOUR end, not theirs.

http://24.media.tumblr.com/9c6824f91146f7ceb313756df3b6cec5/tumblr_mirhsah89d1r0hvv2o1_500.gif

phira · August 2013

KickAssMOH said:

If someone who you love buys their BM dress, ignores you during your wedding planning process, and simply shows up the day of your wedding, you'd be lieing if you said that you were pleased with their level of participation in the whole thing.

I actually take a looooot of offense to this statement. I've been very non-traditional about how I'm getting engaged to my partner, and I've had so so so many people tell me that I was lying to myself about what I really wanted.

I say that I don't want an engagement ring. "You're just saying that because as a feminist, you're supposed to object to engagement rings."

I say that I don't want to be surprised by a proposal. "You're just saying that; you'll want it when you meet the right guy."

I say that I don't want a bridal shower. "I know you just don't want to seem entitled and greedy but you totally want one and it's okay."

When people tell you, "I am okay with this," or "This is what matters to me and what doesn't," telling them, "Oh, you're lying" is super rude.

When I ask people to be in the wedding party, I'm making it clear: I may ask them to buy a certain dress but I will take their budgets into account; I don't want a bridal shower; if they want to do a bachelorette party, that's fine, but talk to the groomsmen because my partner wants a joint party; please show up for the rehearsal; get ready with me on my wedding day; will one of you do a reading and will one of you give a toast?

There's no requirement for an engagement party, or help during planning (OR interest during planning!). I'm just looking for the people in my life who I love to stand up with me and celebrate with me. I'm not lying to make you feel bad that you felt entitled.

Xstatic3333 · August 2013

moemacWed30594 said:

KickAssMOH said:

I don't mean to offend anyone on here. I think it's pretty standard to have at least a baseline of expectations for what your bridesmaids will do and/or show up for, as long as you communicate that clearly and kindly. If someone who you love buys their BM dress, ignores you during your wedding planning process, and simply shows up the day of your wedding, you'd be lieing if you said that you were pleased with their level of participation in the whole thing.

That being said, if you're disgusted by my post then you're missing my point; I love and appreciate my sister. It would be great if she cared more, but she doesn't. Same with the woman who started this thread - she probably just wishes the friend cared more.

I wouldn't be lying if I said that since I actually told my MOH and BM that all they need to do is buy a dress. In fact, we barely even talk about my wedding, which I am fine with. My FI and I are the only ones doing the planning and I don't need any help or support from my loved ones.

Look, we are just trying to tell the OP not to do any rash or she could lose a friendship.

I agree with this completely. My MOH chose to throw me two wonderful parties as a gift, but other than that I barely talk wedding with them either. My friends and family are busy adults with their own lives, and I chose them to honor them, that's it.

KickAssMOH · August 2013

Wow, folks on this message board seem very brash and angry today! It's okay to want or expect different things from your bridal party, as long as everyone's on board. The 3 BM's in my wedding are excited to be a part of it, giving back to me the exact level of love, effort, and attention I've given to them and their weddings over the past few years. It's not a coincidence that I've been a MOH/BM 9 times, with 2 more on the way.

PS You think I'm a bridezilla? ...you should meet the groom

crunchymamaof2 · August 2013

KickAssMOH said:

Wow, folks on this message board seem very brash and angry today! It's okay to want or expect different things from your bridal party, as long as everyone's on board. The 3 BM's in my wedding are excited to be a part of it, giving back to me the exact level of love, effort, and attention I've given to them and their weddings over the past few years. It's not a coincidence that I've been a MOH/BM 9 times, with 2 more on the way.
PS You think I'm a bridezilla? ...you should meet the groom

Yay you win the most times as a BM award! yeah...no. You expecting them to do things for you does NOT equal them being "on board." If they offer to do these things, that's fine. But in no way shape or form should you ever bring such things up to them. If you want someone to fawn all over you and your wedding, pay someone to do it. Don't demand it from your friends.

I'm so god damn sick of this entitled attitude. After another friggin argument on WW with those thick headed brats this just was the icing on the cake.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

KickAssMOH said:

Wow, folks on this message board seem very brash and angry today! It's okay to want or expect different things from your bridal party, as long as everyone's on board. The 3 BM's in my wedding are excited to be a part of it, giving back to me the exact level of love, effort, and attention I've given to them and their weddings over the past few years. It's not a coincidence that I've been a MOH/BM 9 times, with 2 more on the way.
PS You think I'm a bridezilla? ...you should meet the groom

That's very nice that you've been in the WP 9 times. I can tell you're very proud. However, it's not relevant. This is about someone's role as a bride - not a BM/MOH. It's nice that you've gone above an beyond what etiquette dictates when you were in the supporting role, but it's not required and should not be expected of anyone else.

This is the etiquette board. It's here for the benefit of posters and lurkers alike. When someone posts something that goes against etiquette, we tell you. And it's against etiquette to expect the things you're expecting. No one's angry. Quite the contrary - I'm relieved (other's too probably) that I've never been MOH/BM for a bride with expectations like yours.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

KickAssMOH said:

Wow, folks on this message board seem very brash and angry today! It's okay to want or expect different things from your bridal party, as long as everyone's on board. The 3 BM's in my wedding are excited to be a part of it, giving back to me the exact level of love, effort, and attention I've given to them and their weddings over the past few years. It's not a coincidence that I've been a MOH/BM 9 times, with 2 more on the way.
PS You think I'm a bridezilla? ...you should meet the groom

Pft! Lurk more. . . this is just how we communicate. We like to think we are blunt. Some people thought it was a lot worse before the events of last week. . .

southernbelle0915 said:

That's very nice that you've been in the WP 9 times. I can tell you're very proud. However, it's not relevant. This is about someone's role as a bride - not a BM/MOH. It's nice that you've gone above an beyond what etiquette dictates when you were in the supporting role, but it's not required and should not be expected of anyone else.

This is the etiquette board. It's here for the benefit of posters and lurkers alike. When someone posts something that goes against etiquette, we tell you. And it's against etiquette to expect the things you're expecting. No one's angry. Quite the contrary - I'm relieved (other's too probably) that I've never been MOH/BM for a bride with expectations like yours.

I'm also relieved I've never been in a WP 9 times! I like weddings and all, but yikes!

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

acove2006 said:

KickAssMOH said:

Wow, folks on this message board seem very brash and angry today! It's okay to want or expect different things from your bridal party, as long as everyone's on board. The 3 BM's in my wedding are excited to be a part of it, giving back to me the exact level of love, effort, and attention I've given to them and their weddings over the past few years. It's not a coincidence that I've been a MOH/BM 9 times, with 2 more on the way.
PS You think I'm a bridezilla? ...you should meet the groom

Yay you win the most times as a BM award! yeah...no. You expecting them to do things for you does NOT equal them being "on board." If they offer to do these things, that's fine. But in no way shape or form should you ever bring such things up to them. If you want someone to fawn all over you and your wedding, pay someone to do it. Don't demand it from your friends.
I'm so god damn sick of this entitled attitude. After another friggin argument on WW with those thick headed brats this just was the icing on the cake.

Do you mean Wedding Wire, or the TK Wedding Woes board?

I have lurked on the Wedding Wire boards. . . they make me stabby.

Legu · August 2013

The events of last week??

How do I always miss the good stuff??

What happened last week?

mlg78 · August 2013

Legu said:

The events of last week?? How do I always miss the good stuff?? What happened last week?

Absolutely nothing. Slow week...

s-aries8990 · August 2013

KickAssMOH said:

Wow, folks on this message board seem very brash and angry today! It's okay to want or expect different things from your bridal party, as long as everyone's on board. The 3 BM's in my wedding are excited to be a part of it, giving back to me the exact level of love, effort, and attention I've given to them and their weddings over the past few years. It's not a coincidence that I've been a MOH/BM 9 times, with 2 more on the way.
PS You think I'm a bridezilla? ...you should meet the groom

Well @kickassMOH apparently everyone WASN'T on board - like your own MOH.

+misslisa · August 2013

Reading this thread has been... enlightening. I had NO idea that bridesmaids have tasks or any sort of job at all. They're good, supportive friends who care about the soon-to-be-married couple, buy a pretty dress and show up on the big day.

Bananas.

Legu · August 2013

mlg78 said:

Legu said:

The events of last week??

How do I always miss the good stuff??

What happened last week?

Absolutely nothing. Slow week...

*gasp*

Lies... There's always something kicking off

Apparently last time I came back, Voldemort got banned...

grumbledore · August 2013

zobird said: Has she bought her dress? If she hasn't, she is taking herself out of the wedding.

I see this repeated here all the time and I think it's bs too. Really, a dress is more important than having someone who was important enough to you that you asked them to stand beside you while you make the biggest commitment of your life? If someone is that important to me, I might be annoyed that they didn't follow through on the dress code, but if they were there for me, they'd still be standing there. I don't care if my brother showed up in his damn pajamas, he'd still be standing there... I would never ask someone to stand with me who was of such trifling import to me that what they were wearing mattered more than their presence...

crunchymamaof2 · August 2013

PrettyGirlLost said:

acove2006 said:

KickAssMOH said:

Wow, folks on this message board seem very brash and angry today! It's okay to want or expect different things from your bridal party, as long as everyone's on board. The 3 BM's in my wedding are excited to be a part of it, giving back to me the exact level of love, effort, and attention I've given to them and their weddings over the past few years. It's not a coincidence that I've been a MOH/BM 9 times, with 2 more on the way.
PS You think I'm a bridezilla? ...you should meet the groom

Yay you win the most times as a BM award! yeah...no. You expecting them to do things for you does NOT equal them being "on board." If they offer to do these things, that's fine. But in no way shape or form should you ever bring such things up to them. If you want someone to fawn all over you and your wedding, pay someone to do it. Don't demand it from your friends.
I'm so god damn sick of this entitled attitude. After another friggin argument on WW with those thick headed brats this just was the icing on the cake.

Do you mean Wedding Wire, or the TK Wedding Woes board?

I have lurked on the Wedding Wire boards. . . they make me stabby.

Wedding Wire. There's one in particular that attacks me every time I answer a post with correct etiquette. Today it was over honeymoon registries. I was mean for saying they were rude and instead just skip registering. Seriously she calls me out every.single.post. The entitled attitude over there is truly disgusting.

NYCMercedes · August 2013

VSaddict22 said:

It's not that she's done anything wrong, it's that she hasn't done anything at all.

What is it brides expect BMs to do? I don't get it. I expect them to buy the dress, come to the wedding, and have a good time.

NYCMercedes · August 2013

@kickassmoh, I feel sorry for your sister.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

acove2006 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

acove2006 said:

KickAssMOH said:

Wow, folks on this message board seem very brash and angry today! It's okay to want or expect different things from your bridal party, as long as everyone's on board. The 3 BM's in my wedding are excited to be a part of it, giving back to me the exact level of love, effort, and attention I've given to them and their weddings over the past few years. It's not a coincidence that I've been a MOH/BM 9 times, with 2 more on the way.
PS You think I'm a bridezilla? ...you should meet the groom

Yay you win the most times as a BM award! yeah...no. You expecting them to do things for you does NOT equal them being "on board." If they offer to do these things, that's fine. But in no way shape or form should you ever bring such things up to them. If you want someone to fawn all over you and your wedding, pay someone to do it. Don't demand it from your friends.
I'm so god damn sick of this entitled attitude. After another friggin argument on WW with those thick headed brats this just was the icing on the cake.

Do you mean Wedding Wire, or the TK Wedding Woes board?

I have lurked on the Wedding Wire boards. . . they make me stabby.

Wedding Wire. There's one in particular that attacks me every time I answer a post with correct etiquette. Today it was over honeymoon registries. I was mean for saying they were rude and instead just skip registering. Seriously she calls me out every.single.post. The entitled attitude over there is truly disgusting.

Stop the insanity :-P You should try calling them all the nasty shit they call user here. . .

Dreamergirl8812 · August 2013

KickAssMOH said:

Wow, folks on this message board seem very brash and angry today! It's okay to want or expect different things from your bridal party, as long as everyone's on board. The 3 BM's in my wedding are excited to be a part of it, giving back to me the exact level of love, effort, and attention I've given to them and their weddings over the past few years. It's not a coincidence that I've been a MOH/BM 9 times, with 2 more on the way.
PS You think I'm a bridezilla? ...you should meet the groom

erinlin25 · August 2013

unless you are paying her to be your bridesmaid, you can not "fire" her. There is nothing she needs to do besides purchase the chosen dress and show up on the wedding day. All the extra stuff is just extra-- and while I understand it is nice to have everyone dote on you and your wedding, it is not a requirement to be a bridesmaid. You chose your bridesmaids as people who you are close too--not because they will do things for you.

aurianna · August 2013

KickAssMOH said:

Wow, folks on this message board seem very brash and angry today! It's okay to want or expect different things from your bridal party, as long as everyone's on board. The 3 BM's in my wedding are excited to be a part of it, giving back to me the exact level of love, effort, and attention I've given to them and their weddings over the past few years. It's not a coincidence that I've been a MOH/BM 9 times, with 2 more on the way.
PS You think I'm a bridezilla? ...you should meet the groom

You say as long as "everyone is on board." Not everyone is willing to call someone out on being rude if it's somebody they love (that's why it's good to come here and get strangers' POV instead. We're happy to call you out on being rude). There is a decent chance that even if your BMs weren't all "on board," that after you essentially told them what they'd all be doing, they didn't want to say no because they didn't want to piss you off.
Agreeing to something you don't actually really want to do because you were put on the spot and don't want to make the bride mad does not equal "being totally on board." What it really means is you might have put your BMs in an uncomfortable situation but they're good friends and don't want to hurt your feelings. And now you'll never know for sure because of the steps you took in demanding them to do that for you.

If your bridesmaids were truly on board and wanted to throw these parties for you, they would have done so without your telling them to.
Parties thrown in your honor are a gift. Engagement parties, showers and bach parties are not rights or requirements; they are gifts that should be offered freely. A bride's not only expecting them, but demanding them, is a very spoiled, entitled mindset.
If your BMs had been on board, they would have offered to throw the parties on their own. Your demanding them to do so quite possibly put out the BMs that hadn't previously planned to offer and might not really have wanted to. And if you do have BMs that would have offered to throw the parties anyway, your demanding them instead cheapened what otherwise would have been a very kind gesture from your girls.

Your sister clearly did not want to plan an engagement party. I don't blame her. She was by no means required to because e-parties are not required and I personally think they're sort of pointless/AWish. But you made her do it. So even though she didn't want to do it, she did, for you. Your comment "throwing in my face that she took the time to plan one at all" indicates to me that she did it despite its being an inconvenience but also that if she's "throwing it in your face" that maybe she wasn't getting the type of gratitude from you that she should have.

Millions of people in this country are married. And while it's a very momentous event for the couple in question, it is by no means a special accomplishment that entitles the bride to all sorts of honor and parties and rewards.

You have some wonderful bridesmaids that wanted to make you happy. I think it's very sweet of them that they are throwing / will throw you these parties that you ungraciously demanded of them without telling you it was presumptuous to do so. As such, I think you should take extra steps in telling them how grateful you are for what they have done. Start with your sister and thank her once again, just out of the blue, for a lovely engagement party.

crunchymamaof2 · August 2013

PrettyGirlLost said:

acove2006 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

acove2006 said:

KickAssMOH said:

Wow, folks on this message board seem very brash and angry today! It's okay to want or expect different things from your bridal party, as long as everyone's on board. The 3 BM's in my wedding are excited to be a part of it, giving back to me the exact level of love, effort, and attention I've given to them and their weddings over the past few years. It's not a coincidence that I've been a MOH/BM 9 times, with 2 more on the way.
PS You think I'm a bridezilla? ...you should meet the groom

Yay you win the most times as a BM award! yeah...no. You expecting them to do things for you does NOT equal them being "on board." If they offer to do these things, that's fine. But in no way shape or form should you ever bring such things up to them. If you want someone to fawn all over you and your wedding, pay someone to do it. Don't demand it from your friends.
I'm so god damn sick of this entitled attitude. After another friggin argument on WW with those thick headed brats this just was the icing on the cake.

Do you mean Wedding Wire, or the TK Wedding Woes board?

I have lurked on the Wedding Wire boards. . . they make me stabby.

Wedding Wire. There's one in particular that attacks me every time I answer a post with correct etiquette. Today it was over honeymoon registries. I was mean for saying they were rude and instead just skip registering. Seriously she calls me out every.single.post. The entitled attitude over there is truly disgusting.

Stop the insanity :-P You should try calling them all the nasty shit they call user here. . .

Oh I go back and forth all the time. I don't know why I torture myself though

JellyBean52513 · August 2013

@KissAssMOH I would like to offer you a slightly different response to your post defending the OP...

Have someone you know--maybe a co-worker or a friend who wasn't deeply involved in your wedding planning--read your first post here re-counting your experience with your sister/MOH. Watch the look on their face as they read it. While I understand that none of us here had your specific experience with wedding planning, we ALL can read the blatant rudeness, brattiness, and sense of entitlement in your post. You sound EXTREMELY spoiled, saying things like "She miserably dragged her feet while planning me an engagement party." At least she planned one for you! Also, if you knew she was so miserable throughout the process, why did you let her continue doing it? Was your sister's unhappiness not as important as your engagement party? You say "I love and appreciate my sister," but you're on a message board talking about how she showed up disheveled to go dress shopping and you're bashing her for being opinionated. Talking behind her back makes it very hard to believe you actually appreciate her.

None of us can tell you how to feel, and if you feel that being a member of a WP is supposed to come with tasks, duties, and responsibilities beyond showing up the day-of and celebrating your marriage with you, then that's out of our control. But if you're expectations are going to supersede all sense of etiquette, you might at least think about being a little less nasty behind your loved one's backs after all that they've done for you.

VSaddict22 · August 2013

To all those saying that the only responsibilities a bridesmaid has is to buy their dress, and show up sober are completely wrong! A bridesmaid's job, first and foremost, is to be a friend...that's why she was chosen in the first place! Friends make a point to talk to each other, to check in on one another, or at the very least, respond to a text.

To the others of you criticizing me for talking "wedding" all the time are also wrong. Wedding planning is my job, not my bridesmaid's job...it also happens to be my occupation, so I know a thing or two. Since I've got the planning thing under control, the only thing left to talk to each other about is our lives...so contrary to popular belief, I do care abut her and talk to her about how her life is...in fact, the conversation rarely turns to me. I can send all you non-believers the screenshots of the texts if you'd like, but here's a hint, the most frequent conversation starter from me is: "Hey darling! How is life?" But of course I'm not so naive as to think myself infallible.

Reading through all these responses, I've come to the realization that I'm less concerned with her role as my bridesmaid, and more concerned with her role as my friend. So I renew my question with this in mind...

32daisies · August 2013

You can't take her out of the wedding party. But you can try to address you friendship head on. Send a message that says, "How have you been? I miss you, and I miss hearing about you. I hope you know that I'm always here to lend an ear". Or something. Send that, and see what happens. She might tell you what's going on with her. She might not, but you'll know you tried.

I really do understand the frustration of this. We have an extremely similar situation with a GM who won't respond yea or nay to anything. My FI is very upset because this person is his friend, and he feels like their friendship is deteriorating. He's tried to reach out several times to no avail. We don't know if he's coming to the wedding or not, but we're resolved not to let it be a factor at all. If he's there, fine. If he isn't, fine. We're having a wonderful wedding either way.

But if their friendship is in trouble, I know my FI will be upset about *that*. If you're worried about your friendship, that's perfectly valid, and I will keep my fingers crossed for you, that it works out.

blueobsidian · August 2013

VSaddict22 said:

To all those saying that the only responsibilities a bridesmaid has is to buy their dress, and show up sober are completely wrong! A bridesmaid's job, first and foremost, is to be a friend...that's why she was chosen in the first place! Friends make a point to talk to each other, to check in on one another, or at the very least, respond to a text.

To the others of you criticizing me for talking "wedding" all the time are also wrong. Wedding planning is my job, not my bridesmaid's job...it also happens to be my occupation, so I know a thing or two. Since I've got the planning thing under control, the only thing left to talk to each other about is our lives...so contrary to popular belief, I do care abut her and talk to her about how her life is...in fact, the conversation rarely turns to me. I can send all you non-believers the screenshots of the texts if you'd like, but here's a hint, the most frequent conversation starter from me is: "Hey darling! How is life?" But of course I'm not so naive as to think myself infallible.

Reading through all these responses, I've come to the realization that I'm less concerned with her role as my bridesmaid, and more concerned with her role as my friend. So I renew my question with this in mind...

What answer are you asking for here? Kicking someone out of your wedding party is a friendship-ending move. Are you saying that you no longer like this person and don't want to be friends with them? If so, just end the friendship. But that's not something that strangers can advise you on. You are the one who has to choose your friends and decide if you value this person's feelings. If you dislike her enough to seriously hurt her feelings by kicking her out, then what are we supposed to say?

artbyallie · August 2013

Look, some people just don't enjoy talking about weddings all the time. Or at all, even. That doesn't make them bad friends. Just know that she most likely will not talk to you again about anything if you boot her out of your wedding. And she will tell people, and you will look like a bitch and a Bridezilla, because only bitchy bridezillas kick people out of their weddings.

Thanks for the insight

Re: Thanks for the insight

Choose Another Board

Search Boards