how to communicate with bridesmaids out of state

KeptInStitches · August 2013

@chelim, what tasks do you have to delegate? The only responsibility of a BM is to get the dress and show up the day of the wedding. Of course, if they have volunteered to help you with things, that's different (say Sue says she'd love to help you design invitations - but you didn't ask her to, or delegate it to her).

chelim · August 2013

@KeptInStitches I'm answering the OP. I'm assuming he didn't want my (or anyone else's) opinion or input on whether or not she should ask for help and from whom and what ground rules she should lay down beforehand. She knows what she's doing, just not how to make it work for her. I was simply letting her know what I was doing, because I'm in a similar boat.

You do not know anything about my bridal party, our relationship, or the nature of my wedding. So, please do not try to shove any of that into your box of what you think they should be. People who think weddings all have to work the same way need an update. Weddings have so many facets to them, it's ridiculous to say "this imaginary rule book says you can't do that" and leave it at that. There's been more judgment and contempt for this poor girl than helpful answers, and I was simply trying to help with the problem she actually has, not the one people seems to think she does.

And for you to come after me is ridiculous. I certainly didn't ask for your input and I certainly don't want it.

Poor OP. She would have done better on a board not dripping with pretension.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

@chelim, whoa! I didn't think I attacked you! And I certainly did not intend to come off as pretentious.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

@chelim - it's wayyyy out of line to say someone is pretentious and came after you when they did not. Yikes! Take it easy.

As for the "rule book" - there ARE ways to be polite and things people do that are considered rude. This is the etiquette board so the purpose of it is to communicate what is considered rude and what's not.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

@knotporscha @knotjackie - flags

KeptInStitches · August 2013

Woo! Flag cherry popped!

KeptInStitches · August 2013

I kind of feel like I've "arrived," you know?

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

everyones getting flagged i have about 20 abuse points now.

Xstatic3333 · August 2013

I think somebody is flag-spamming the boards today or something.

crunchymamaof2 · August 2013

chelim said:

@KeptInStitches I'm answering the OP. I'm assuming he didn't want my (or anyone else's) opinion or input on whether or not she should ask for help and from whom and what ground rules she should lay down beforehand. She knows what she's doing, just not how to make it work for her. I was simply letting her know what I was doing, because I'm in a similar boat.
You do not know anything about my bridal party, our relationship, or the nature of my wedding. So, please do not try to shove any of that into your box of what you think they should be. People who think weddings all have to work the same way need an update. Weddings have so many facets to them, it's ridiculous to say "this imaginary rule book says you can't do that" and leave it at that. There's been more judgment and contempt for this poor girl than helpful answers, and I was simply trying to help with the problem she actually has, not the one people seems to think she does.
And for you to come after me is ridiculous. I certainly didn't ask for your input and I certainly don't want it.
Poor OP. She would have done better on a board not dripping with pretension.

are you kidding? I don't know what imaginary board you're looking at but it definitely wasn't what @keptinstitches said. She stated a simple fact- BM do not have duties or tasks that need to be delegated. She was in no way or form mean, rude, or pretentious.

The point of this board is to get advise on treating your guests (and people in general) with respect and dignity. Assigning your BM (people that are supposed to be your nearest and dearest) is rude and is treating your friends like employees. They aren't. They're your friends and family. If they OFFER you're more than welcome to let them know what you need help with. But they should be the ones to bring it up, not you.

MissArdoline · August 2013

Wow, well thanks for everyone who actually responded on here to help.. I didn't except to see so many bitchy comments. I would have expected that in a chat room, but on a wedding site where people are excited about their big day coming up and here ask for help/opinions.. not so much. It may seem dumb to some people, but for some of us it's our first time getting married or being involved in a wedding. Maybe some of you have had been married multiple times? Wouldn't doubt it with the attitudes. Anyways, again thanks for those of you who were helpful

092410 · August 2013

3 of my bridesmaids are out of town. I use the app GroupMe. It's great! It's much more organized than a group text message or facebook message and I can keep all the girls involved with whats going on. Including just sending them a picture of a centerpiece to get their opinions. There's even a feature to send financial statements which I've used to let them know the exact cost of their dresses, shoes, alterations, etc. The app is completely free! And if not all of your bridesmaids have Iphones (it is only compatible with Iphones, Ipads, and Ipod touches) you can still join and access the conversation at groupme.com. Such a great resource! I love it and would recommend it to any bride with out of town bridesmaids!

LDubHawksFan · August 2013

092410 said:
3 of my bridesmaids are out of town. I use the app GroupMe. It's great! It's much more organized than a group text message or facebook message and I can keep all the girls involved with whats going on. Including just sending them a picture of a centerpiece to get their opinions. There's even a feature to send financial statements which I've used to let them know the exact cost of their dresses, shoes, alterations, etc. The app is completely free! And if not all of your bridesmaids have Iphones (it is only compatible with Iphones, Ipads, and Ipod touches) you can still join and access the conversation at groupme.com. Such a great resource! I love it and would recommend it to any bride with out of town bridesmaids!

Op, no one was bitchy. They were simply giving advice which you asked for and correcting those brides that have high expectations of their bms. All 3 of my bms were still back home (IA vs me in CA) and I had no problem at all communicating with them....because really the only things that needed communicated were about the dresses, which is easily done via email after asking them all their budgets individually. And honestly, these women are your closest, so one would expect you call them like you currently do to maintain your friendship. It's not that hard.

To the pp above, the whole financial documents being sent to your bms is micromanaging, IMO. If you are requiring shoes, then you need to pay; if you are asking for silver shoes, then that is on them to find them. And alterations are up to the bms. You should have no say in that. None of this requires financial statements.

louandbean · August 2013

MandyMost said:

Dreamergirl8812 said:

MissArdoline said:

Hi ladies. My question is a little diff then the title of the post. I'm having a destination wedding with no bridal party, but I want my cousin & fiance's sisters to be involved in my planning for everything (wedding, reception.. etc). I live in North Carolina and all the girls live in Pennsylvania. I'm wondering if anyone has any ideas how to communicate with everyone at the same time. I know I can prob use email, but I'm wondering if there is like a message board I can create or something where we can post to each other and post pictures of ideas. Something fun..

Thanks!!
Mis

I created a facebook group since my bms are all spread out. Ask them:

"Hey besties, I have decided not to honor you at my wedding but would really like you guys to devote some of your time, energy to money on me. I have a list of duties for you because planning a wedding is harrrrrddd. How can I get as much out of you as possible without having to reciprocate?"

Wow, this seems a little harsh. I'm not having "bridesmaids" for a number of reasons--I detest the idea of forcing my friends into matching dresses, I don't like the processional down the aisle, and the people that I want to do all the pre-wedding girly things with me are not entirely the same people I'd want to stand up for me (e.g. my brother and two male cousins who are like brothers to me). To include them ALL would be a way-too-big bridal party. And my fiance has a couple guy friends, but not as many close friends as I do, so it would be uneven. I also HATE HATE HATE the gender lines that go along with bridal parties--why should my brother stand on his side? He's my brother! I guess I could have 10+ mixed-gender people on my side, and he could have 3 guys on his side, but we're choosing not to do that. So I'm not including anyone as official "wedding party".

I guess all I really want to say is that forcing your friends to spend their hard-earned money on ugly only-wear-once dresses in a color they don't like and then parade around holding a bouquet isn't the only way to reciprocate all their help and attention during the planning phases.

That is super harsh, you're totally right. You don't have to have your friends who are involved be bridesmaids, especially to honor them. I'm so fortunate to have had so many people who have invested their time and effort in my wedding, that if I had that many people in the bridal party I would end up going broke. There ARE other ways to "honor" them besides asking them to be your bridesmaids/groomsmen. For example, on your program for the ceremony list all of the people who put work into your wedding and/or give them a thoughtful gift before just as you would a bridesmaid or a groomsman.

how to communicate with bridesmaids out of state

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