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Invited to ceremony but not dinner?

mblittle12mblittle12 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I know this is an old debate...but I have a twist that I need some advice on.

Here is the setup:
Small ceremony at a very interesting location (unique).  Room to fit 50
Dinner after (not a reception--just a nice, fully paid for dinner).  Limit 22 people
Drinks and general "night out" after dinner, downtown, for the younger group of us.  For this, I was going to invite other friends in the area to come out and join us to celebrate if they wanted to.  No pressure, just "it would be great to see you.  no gifts" haha

Our dinner location was really our limiting factor on how many people to invite in general, and we're ok with that.  We wanted something intimate and not a big reception/party.  Just a great meal in a place that has meaning to us (it was our first date).  We're paying for the whole meal including drinks for all 22.  No problems.

Here is my dilemna.  As people have been asking, i've been telling them "small, intimate, immediate family and closest friends...." and they totally get it.  No worries.  However, I'm getting alot of comments like "well, if you have space at the ceremony, I'd love to be able to come see you get married!".  So that's leading to the question of is that ok?

Normally, I wouldn't dream of inviting someone to the ceremony and not the dinner.  Seems rude.  But when they're asking to do just that, knowing full well they can't attend the dinner, then what?  With that said, shoudl I then open it up to fellow friends and say "John and Kim asked about this...and I wanted to let you know in case"?  These same friends that are asking to come watch would likely be then going to have supper on their own and then meeting up with us after dinner for our "night out".  Who knows, they may all coordinate and go eat together! 

Just not real sure what to do or how to word things.
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Re: Invited to ceremony but not dinner?

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    GlassButtonGlassButton member
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    If they ask then I think it's fine. I'd still try to give them something like appetizers or desserts though.
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    mblittle12mblittle12 member
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    I should mention, we were planning on doing a little cocktail hour in between ceremony and dinner...just so we had time to mingle in a non-seated fashion and everyone could enjoy where we will be.  AND so we can take a few photos with everyone.  

    So if friends or extras came to the ceremony, they'd be included in that cocktail hour for sure.  I'd just make sure I had plenty!
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    ElcaBElcaB member
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    I understand where you're coming from, since they're the ones hinting about it, but it still doesn't seem appropriate. Smile, thank them, and let them know the space is just too restricting and that you'll have plenty of photos posted for them to look through following the event. 
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    mblittle12mblittle12 member
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    edited August 2013
    smalfrie --  I totally see your point.  It's not an "afford" thing--it's the limit of the place we're going for dinner.  Which is fine.  We liked the idea of a small dinner anyway.  And not a reception.  But that is also why I wasn't sure...because it's not really a reception.  We won't be walking around, mingling, dancing, or anything like that.  Picture big ole table where everyone can see everyone :)

    I digress.  haha.  But I do see your point also.
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    smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
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    mblittle12 said:
    I should mention, we were planning on doing a little cocktail hour in between ceremony and dinner...just so we had time to mingle in a non-seated fashion and everyone could enjoy where we will be.  AND so we can take a few photos with everyone.  

    So if friends or extras came to the ceremony, they'd be included in that cocktail hour for sure.  I'd just make sure I had plenty!
    This is called a tiered "reception" (for lack of a better word) and its frowned upon. Could you possibly find a place to accomodate all the people you want at the ceremony for dinner?
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    mblittle12mblittle12 member
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    lwoehlk said:
    I should mention, we were planning on doing a little cocktail hour in between ceremony and dinner...just so we had time to mingle in a non-seated fashion and everyone could enjoy where we will be.  AND so we can take a few photos with everyone.  

    So if friends or extras came to the ceremony, they'd be included in that cocktail hour for sure.  I'd just make sure I had plenty!
    I think that sounds even more awkward that they would have to leave right before the reception guests get to eat. I think you should just reiterate that you have limited space and are having a small wedding.
    separate places.  the cocktail hour would be where the ceremony is...to enjoy the location.  Dinner is somewhere completely different.  So they'd leave when everyone else leaves.
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    GlassButtonGlassButton member
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    @mblittle12

    If you do plan to give them something for coming then I don't see the big deal. They're the ones asking and know the space is limited. I'd let them come because I'd feel to awkward to say no.

    Don't mention gifts though.
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    harper0813harper0813 member
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    Just let them know that the ceremony is intimate and that you'll be happy to show them photos. While these guests may be understanding that you cannot accommodate them at the reception, your other guests might think you snubbed them. Just keep in simple. Your wedding sounds like it will be lovely.
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    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
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    I think this can lead to awkward moments and questions. If your reception dinner location can only hold X people, then only invite X people.
    Those that tell you they "don't mind only attending the ceremony" are just telling you what they think you want to hear.

    The reception, the intimate dinner you planned, is to thank the guests for coming to the ceremony. All guests who are invited to the ceremony should be treated equally and invited to all events after the ceremony.
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    mblittle12mblittle12 member
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    smalfrie19 said:
    mblittle12 said:
    I should mention, we were planning on doing a little cocktail hour in between ceremony and dinner...just so we had time to mingle in a non-seated fashion and everyone could enjoy where we will be.  AND so we can take a few photos with everyone.  

    So if friends or extras came to the ceremony, they'd be included in that cocktail hour for sure.  I'd just make sure I had plenty!
    This is called a tiered "reception" (for lack of a better word) and its frowned upon. Could you possibly find a place to accomodate all the people you want at the ceremony for dinner?
    I know what you're talking about and I hate those to.  I dont' see this as that though because i'm not ASKING them to come.  (or fishing for gifts)  They're asking me if they can come just to the ceremony, understanding we are limited at dinner and being ok with that.

    Our dinner location is set and has a meaning to us (being our first date) and that is where the 22 comes in.

    It's not really a case of "I want to invite more people!".  It's a case of them wanting to come and watch the ceremony---the ones that have asked have all been just caring friends that live right in our area. 
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    smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
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    I completely get where you are coming from, but if it was me I would still say no. :D
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    MayDay513MayDay513 member
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    smalfrie19 said:
    I completely get where you are coming from, but if it was me I would still say no. :D
    I agree with this.
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    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    OP, they shouldn't be asking for invites to ANYTHING and it's bordering on rude for them to put you in this position. Just say no to them and let it go.
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    MuppetOverlordMuppetOverlord member
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    I don't get that it's a money issue and it's a space issue because you could easily change the space.

    With that said, I wouldn't judge a small, open ceremony with short l cake and punch type reception immediately following, and then later, a dinner for bridal party and immediate family at a different location.

    If I saw some guests filing into a dinner I wasn't invited to I'd be a little peeved


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    mercimariemercimarie member
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    I agree with PP that you should keep the guest list to only those that can attend both. I would thank them for their support (as mentioned above) however reiterate that it is an intimate wedding and that you are looking forward to sharing the photos of it with them following. 
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    mblittle12mblittle12 member
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    MuppetOverlord said:
    I don't get that it's a money issue and it's a space issue because you could easily change the space.

    With that said, I wouldn't judge a small, open ceremony with short l cake and punch type reception immediately following, and then later, a dinner for bridal party and immediate family at a different location.

    If I saw some guests filing into a dinner I wasn't invited to I'd be a little peeved


    The dinner location dictated the # of people and our dinner location is very important to us, so we wouldn't be changing that.  It would be like asking someone to change the location for their ceremony.  It's important to us.  But I dont' think anyone is debating that.  That's what I meant by saying it wasn't an issue of how many we could afford.  I just wanted to be clear that I wasn't being "cheap" :)

    Yes--ceremony + cocktail at same location.  Dinner at totally different location.

    *sigh*  I'm still torn.  I see both sides!!
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    KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches member
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    I would just keep saying that it's an intimate wedding and you'll be sure to share pictures. If the dinner location is important to you, and it has dictated your ceremony, stick to your guns on keeping it small.
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    MuppetOverlordMuppetOverlord member
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    mblittle12 said:
    MuppetOverlord said:
    I don't get that it's a money issue and it's a space issue because you could easily change the space.

    With that said, I wouldn't judge a small, open ceremony with short l cake and punch type reception immediately following, and then later, a dinner for bridal party and immediate family at a different location.

    If I saw some guests filing into a dinner I wasn't invited to I'd be a little peeved


    The dinner location dictated the # of people and our dinner location is very important to us, so we wouldn't be changing that.  It would be like asking someone to change the location for their ceremony.  It's important to us.  But I dont' think anyone is debating that.  That's what I meant by saying it wasn't an issue of how many we could afford.  I just wanted to be clear that I wasn't being "cheap" :)

    Yes--ceremony + cocktail at same location.  Dinner at totally different location.

    *sigh*  I'm still torn.  I see both sides!!
    I would feel happily accommodated if you fed me and gave me drinks. More happy if you fed me cake too. I wouldn't side-eye a dinner with your family later on somewhere else.
    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
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    NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
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    Going against the grain here. If your wedding is in a public place (church, park), then I think you should let people come. Our church members asked us if they could come and watch our kids get married. Ok by me. I asked one bride if I could watch her get married at a park and she said fine. I had watched her grow up, as I was her Brownie leader when she was six, and she and my kid were besties, and my kid was a BM. I didn't expect anything afterwards. Summary: if they ask, ok.
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    KatWAGKatWAG member
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    mercimarie said:
    I agree with PP that you should keep the guest list to only those that can attend both. I would thank them for their support (as mentioned above) however reiterate that it is an intimate wedding and that you are looking forward to sharing the photos of it with them following. 

    Your advice is hypocritical. In another post you mention that you are going to invite people for the dancing portion only. Both situations are tiered receptions.
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    AbbyjensenAbbyjensen member
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    I would say no. I understand why you are questioning, but this is my thinking...

    If "Katie" says, "I'd love to just come to the ceremony!!!" and I agree, then "Heather" hears that "Katie" went to the ceremony, "Heather" might wonder why she wasn't invited to the ceremony if she also would have wanted to just go to the ceremony. 

    I wouldn't be comfortable going up to "Heather" and saying, "Hey, Katie wants to just come to the ceremony, so if you want to do that also, that's fine," especially if there were a bunch of people I would have to say that to. It would get weird. 
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    csuavecsuave member
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    I think you should stick to the original plan and only invite the dinner guests to the ceremony.  The main reasons are that your space is small and private making the ceremony exclusive and invitation only (it is not a church that anyone can walk into without needing an invitation).  The "invitation only" aspect makes me agree that the plan = a "tiered reception."

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    grumbledoregrumbledore member
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    mblittle12 said:
    I know this is an old debate...but I have a twist that I need some advice on.

    Here is the setup:
    Small ceremony at a very interesting location (unique).  Room to fit 50
    Dinner after (not a reception--just a nice, fully paid for dinner).  Limit 22 people
    Drinks and general "night out" after dinner, downtown, for the younger group of us.  For this, I was going to invite other friends in the area to come out and join us to celebrate if they wanted to.  No pressure, just "it would be great to see you.  no gifts" haha

    Our dinner location was really our limiting factor on how many people to invite in general, and we're ok with that.  We wanted something intimate and not a big reception/party.  Just a great meal in a place that has meaning to us (it was our first date).  We're paying for the whole meal including drinks for all 22.  No problems.

    Here is my dilemna.  As people have been asking, i've been telling them "small, intimate, immediate family and closest friends...." and they totally get it.  No worries.  However, I'm getting alot of comments like "well, if you have space at the ceremony, I'd love to be able to come see you get married!".  So that's leading to the question of is that ok?

    Normally, I wouldn't dream of inviting someone to the ceremony and not the dinner.  Seems rude.  But when they're asking to do just that, knowing full well they can't attend the dinner, then what?  With that said, shoudl I then open it up to fellow friends and say "John and Kim asked about this...and I wanted to let you know in case"?  These same friends that are asking to come watch would likely be then going to have supper on their own and then meeting up with us after dinner for our "night out".  Who knows, they may all coordinate and go eat together! 

    Just not real sure what to do or how to word things.
    It seems rude because it is rude.  Unless your ceremony is in a church or public place (as in, somewhere you couldn't really kick people out of) and people attend without being invited, everyone needs to be invited to dinner.  Pick a venue that can fit all of your guests or don't have them attend the ceremony. 

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    LDubHawksFanLDubHawksFan member
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    edited August 2013
    Simply Fated said:

    OP, they shouldn't be asking for invites to ANYTHING and it's bordering on rude for them to put you in this position. Just say no to them and let it go.

    Yes they are being rude by asking. I guess technically if your cocktail hr after is at the unique ceremony location, involves apps and drinks and doesn't fall during a meal time, that could be considered your reception for your guests. I just think its a slippery slope and it still feels a little tiered to treat only done of your guests to something more. Furthermore, then you are letting those friends that were rude by asking come to the ceremony, but does that mean you will then start inviting the other close friends who weren't rude enough to ask for an invitation to your wedding??

    Eta: Just stick to your plan with the 22 and have your informal, non-hosted fun with those guests at the bar later. Being an adult means understanding that you don't always get invited to and included in everything.

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    mercimariemercimarie member
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    mercimarie said:
    I agree with PP that you should keep the guest list to only those that can attend both. I would thank them for their support (as mentioned above) however reiterate that it is an intimate wedding and that you are looking forward to sharing the photos of it with them following. 

    Your advice is hypocritical. In another post you mention that you are going to invite people for the dancing portion only. Both situations are tiered reception.
    You're right. It totally is. I guess it seemed different at the time, maybe because it is the other way round and it came across as "watch us get married and then see ya later", but you're totally right. It's the same just switched round. My bad. 
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    LavenderHoneyBeeLavenderHoneyBee member
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    mblittle12 said:
    lwoehlk said:
    I should mention, we were planning on doing a little cocktail hour in between ceremony and dinner...just so we had time to mingle in a non-seated fashion and everyone could enjoy where we will be.  AND so we can take a few photos with everyone.  

    So if friends or extras came to the ceremony, they'd be included in that cocktail hour for sure.  I'd just make sure I had plenty!
    I think that sounds even more awkward that they would have to leave right before the reception guests get to eat. I think you should just reiterate that you have limited space and are having a small wedding.
    separate places.  the cocktail hour would be where the ceremony is...to enjoy the location.  Dinner is somewhere completely different.  So they'd leave when everyone else leaves.
    This doesn't seem bad to me. If you are hosting a cocktail hour for all ceremony guests, that is technically a "cocktail reception", and you are doing the right thing etiquette-wise in hosting these people.

    This is a tricky situation though since these people aren't invited to the dinner. So sure, it might not be exactly okay according to Miss Manners. But it's one of those situations where you need to know your audience. I'm sure you wouldn't offer this option to Aunt Mrytle. But - your group of BFF's that just want to come and celebrate? If you think they won't be offended and honestly just want to be with you, then I say go for it.
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