Invited to ceremony but not dinner?

mblittle12 · August 2013

LavenderHoneyBee said:

mblittle12 said:

lwoehlk said:

I should mention, we were planning on doing a little cocktail hour in between ceremony and dinner...just so we had time to mingle in a non-seated fashion and everyone could enjoy where we will be. AND so we can take a few photos with everyone.

So if friends or extras came to the ceremony, they'd be included in that cocktail hour for sure. I'd just make sure I had plenty!
I think that sounds even more awkward that they would have to leave right before the reception guests get to eat. I think you should just reiterate that you have limited space and are having a small wedding.

separate places. the cocktail hour would be where the ceremony is...to enjoy the location. Dinner is somewhere completely different. So they'd leave when everyone else leaves.

This doesn't seem bad to me. If you are hosting a cocktail hour for all ceremony guests, that is technically a "cocktail reception", and you are doing the right thing etiquette-wise in hosting these people.

This is a tricky situation though since these people aren't invited to the dinner. So sure, it might not be exactly okay according to Miss Manners. But it's one of those situations where you need to know your audience. I'm sure you wouldn't offer this option to Aunt Mrytle. But - your group of BFF's that just want to come and celebrate? If you think they won't be offended and honestly just want to be with you, then I say go for it.

And you hit it right on the head with who is asking---our group of friends that all live right here in the same area we're getting married. We're on softball together, we hang out on weekends, etc etc. We're talking less than a dozen people.

As a side note, with so few people invited, our formal "invitations" are really only because I want to make and design them! ha. Everyone who is invited to the dinner & ceremony already knows they're invited and wouldn't miss it for anything!! The invitation itself is a formality. Because of our family size, it is almost all immediate family with the exception of one couple that we've been friends with forever (might as well be related type).

Luckily, I have some time to think!!! Because I still see both sides, haha.

Jen4948 · August 2013

If the OP doesn't indicate in their first post that they live outside the US or anywhere where etiquette requires full hosting and doesn't allow for tiered hospitality, then unfortunately the majority of posters here aren't going to make the assumption that that's the case.

OP, unless you live somewhere where this is considered acceptable, then you need to drop the "100 guests for dancing later" and invite all your guests to the full event-and pay for everyone. If it's too expensive, then cut back from a full meal to heavy hors d'oeuvres and look for other costs that can be eliminated or reduced.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

A cocktail hour is sufficient if it's not at a meal time. So if you had your ceremony at 3pm and the cocktail hour was over by 4:30pm - then your dinner guests went out to dinner, I think you're good. Like I said, a proper reception is a meal if it's meal time and refreshments if it's not. As long as you don't go into meal time, I would consider your guests properly hosted by a cocktail hour.

I think if you work the schedule right, you could swing it. Only if you want to, though. Keep in mind it's super rude for people to invite themselves. Up to you if you want to.

mblittle12 · August 2013

Jen4948 said:

If the OP doesn't indicate in their first post that they live outside the US or anywhere where etiquette requires full hosting and doesn't allow for tiered hospitality, then unfortunately the majority of posters here aren't going to make the assumption that that's the case.

OP, unless you live somewhere where this is considered acceptable, then you need to drop the "100 guests for dancing later" and invite all your guests to the full event-and pay for everyone. If it's too expensive, then cut back from a full meal to heavy hors d'oeuvres and look for other costs that can be eliminated or reduced.

Who are you talking to? I don't think this applies to my OP at all. Read the responses and the OP and you'll see it has zero to do with money or me just wanting to invite a ton of people. They are asking me to come to just the ceremony and I'm asking how to respond.

I appreciate responses if you're going to be helpful....and relevant.

AprilH81 · August 2013

Can you have the restaurant cater the meal at a location that will fit everyone? The location would be different but the food would be the same.

ashleyep · August 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

A cocktail hour is sufficient if it's not at a meal time. So if you had your ceremony at 3pm and the cocktail hour was over by 4:30pm - then your dinner guests went out to dinner, I think you're good. Like I said, a proper reception is a meal if it's meal time and refreshments if it's not. As long as you don't go into meal time, I would consider your guests properly hosted by a cocktail hour.

I think if you work the schedule right, you could swing it. Only if you want to, though. Keep in mind it's super rude for people to invite themselves. Up to you if you want to.

Just be sure to actually use that cocktail hour as a cocktail reception and mingle with your guests. Don't use that hour to take photos and then ditch your guests that aren't invited to the dinner.

mblittle12 · August 2013

AprilH81 said:

Can you have the restaurant cater the meal at a location that will fit everyone? The location would be different but the food would be the same.

Nope. It's the actual restaurant that is important to us...location. All that stuff is all booked up and tied in a nice little bow (wedding 12.13.13) so we don't want to go changing those sorts of things now. We just weren't sure how to handle the question of "can I come watch?" from the local few.

BUT a good suggestion still if I were looking to expand my list all over! Unfortunatly, expanding it all over would entail expanding 22 people to about 60 because then we'd get into extended family, more friends, etc etc. Oie. Not going there!!!! Haha

mblittle12 · August 2013

ashleyep said:

southernbelle0915 said:

A cocktail hour is sufficient if it's not at a meal time. So if you had your ceremony at 3pm and the cocktail hour was over by 4:30pm - then your dinner guests went out to dinner, I think you're good. Like I said, a proper reception is a meal if it's meal time and refreshments if it's not. As long as you don't go into meal time, I would consider your guests properly hosted by a cocktail hour.

I think if you work the schedule right, you could swing it. Only if you want to, though. Keep in mind it's super rude for people to invite themselves. Up to you if you want to.

Just be sure to actually use that cocktail hour as a cocktail reception and mingle with your guests. Don't use that hour to take photos and then ditch your guests that aren't invited to the dinner.

AGREED!!! And that was exactly our plan! To be able to mingle and get pictures with everyone there. We love our families and want to be able to mingle with them as well as introduce some people that will be meeting for the first time!

Jen4948 · August 2013

mblittle12 said:

Jen4948 said:

If the OP doesn't indicate in their first post that they live outside the US or anywhere where etiquette requires full hosting and doesn't allow for tiered hospitality, then unfortunately the majority of posters here aren't going to make the assumption that that's the case.

OP, unless you live somewhere where this is considered acceptable, then you need to drop the "100 guests for dancing later" and invite all your guests to the full event-and pay for everyone. If it's too expensive, then cut back from a full meal to heavy hors d'oeuvres and look for other costs that can be eliminated or reduced.

Who are you talking to? I don't think this applies to my OP at all. Read the responses and the OP and you'll see it has zero to do with money or me just wanting to invite a ton of people. They are asking me to come to just the ceremony and I'm asking how to respond.

I appreciate responses if you're going to be helpful....and relevant.

Sorry! I did note that smallfrie mentioned tiered hospitality. I was thinking of another thread that also involves that.

But I do think that if you're not going to invite them to the celebration afterward, I would not invite them at all. Anyone invited to the ceremony needs to be hosted afterward.

Simply Fated · August 2013

mblittle12 said:

Jen4948 said:

If the OP doesn't indicate in their first post that they live outside the US or anywhere where etiquette requires full hosting and doesn't allow for tiered hospitality, then unfortunately the majority of posters here aren't going to make the assumption that that's the case.

OP, unless you live somewhere where this is considered acceptable, then you need to drop the "100 guests for dancing later" and invite all your guests to the full event-and pay for everyone. If it's too expensive, then cut back from a full meal to heavy hors d'oeuvres and look for other costs that can be eliminated or reduced.

Who are you talking to? I don't think this applies to my OP at all. Read the responses and the OP and you'll see it has zero to do with money or me just wanting to invite a ton of people. They are asking me to come to just the ceremony and I'm asking how to respond.

I appreciate responses if you're going to be helpful....and relevant.

A part of me is wondering you're choosing the reception location over your guests. If you would just choose a place that allows for more people, then you wouldn't even be needing to ask this question. I don't mean that in a bad way... keep reading what I'm getting at.
I totally get that this place is super sentimental, but couldn't you... I don't know, use this location another time? Like for a breakfast before the ceremony? Or the day after? Or for the rehearsal dinner? Why does it have to be for the reception dinner specifically?
I don't know, it just seems logical that if you really want these people to attend, you'd figure out a way. The fact that you're considering going against your gut makes me think that you don't want these people there badly enough. Do you get what I'm saying?

Look, these people are asking to attend your ceremony only, but that isn't different or unique from any other time people try to score invites to places they aren't invited to. Like Jashley, who was the only one from her church not invited to the wedding at the park.

mblittle12 · August 2013

I do get what you're saying. I do. But it's not a case of me wanting wanting to invite more people. I don't. And if we, as a couple, had decided to expand to invite more it would have jumped to a huge number and, obviously, we would have taken a completely different route. Like the next step up inviting people would have been over 60, haha.

We didn't though. We don't want more people and a big list. We wanted small and intimate. And that is what we are doing. So it really truly isn't that i'm jonesing for a bigger guest list

Or that I am wanting to squeeze in a few more. I'm not. I'm more asking how to handle a situation as it was presented to me.

I should also mention that they few that brought it up (and, again, we're talking 10 friends max that this would effect) didn't invite themselves....but they did ask very sweetly if it might be possible. At the time, the best answer I could thing of is "Thank you for asking! I'm not sure so I'll have to check and see if that will work".

I've gotten some great responses on how to handle whichever direction we take!! Thank you!! I think I need to pitch both sides of the fence to my FH and see what his thoughts are for sure.

Jen4948 · August 2013

If you're not going to host them later, tell anyone who asks to come only to the ceremony that the ceremony is only for invited guests and that unfortunately, you can't invite everyone you would have liked.

Simply Fated · August 2013

mblittle12 said:

I do get what you're saying. I do. But it's not a case of me wanting wanting to invite more people. I don't. And if we, as a couple, had decided to expand to invite more it would have jumped to a huge number and, obviously, we would have taken a completely different route. Like the next step up inviting people would have been over 60, haha.

We didn't though. We don't want more people and a big list. We wanted small and intimate. And that is what we are doing. So it really truly isn't that i'm jonesing for a bigger guest list Or that I am wanting to squeeze in a few more. I'm not. I'm more asking how to handle a situation as it was presented to me.

I should also mention that they few that brought it up (and, again, we're talking 10 friends max that this would effect) didn't invite themselves....but they did ask very sweetly if it might be possible. At the time, the best answer I could thing of is "Thank you for asking! I'm not sure so I'll have to check and see if that will work".

I've gotten some great responses on how to handle whichever direction we take!! Thank you!! I think I need to pitch both sides of the fence to my FH and see what his thoughts are for sure.

So then don't invite them. I'm not saying you secretly wanted to invite more people... I'm saying the opposite.
And even if they're sweetly asking if it's okay... it's still wrong what they're doing. Just say no.

NYCBruin · August 2013

mblittle12 said:

I do get what you're saying. I do. But it's not a case of me wanting wanting to invite more people. I don't. And if we, as a couple, had decided to expand to invite more it would have jumped to a huge number and, obviously, we would have taken a completely different route. Like the next step up inviting people would have been over 60, haha.

We didn't though. We don't want more people and a big list. We wanted small and intimate. And that is what we are doing. So it really truly isn't that i'm jonesing for a bigger guest list Or that I am wanting to squeeze in a few more. I'm not. I'm more asking how to handle a situation as it was presented to me.

I should also mention that they few that brought it up (and, again, we're talking 10 friends max that this would effect) didn't invite themselves....but they did ask very sweetly if it might be possible. At the time, the best answer I could thing of is "Thank you for asking! I'm not sure so I'll have to check and see if that will work".

I've gotten some great responses on how to handle whichever direction we take!! Thank you!! I think I need to pitch both sides of the fence to my FH and see what his thoughts are for sure.

I agree with what everyone else has said about tiered receptions being rude and all that.

But I wanted to point out that if you do invite more people to the ceremony and cocktail hour you might end up creating a separate problem:

You said that you wanted it small (20ish) and the next step would be 60. If you invite more than the 22 people to the ceremony, those 40 people that didn't make the cut (from the guest list slashing of 60 to 20) are probably going to be REALLY hurt. Presumably you made a cut of 40 because if you invited some of those 40 and not others there would be hurt feelings.

If you told me that you were having a small intimate wedding and that's why I wasn't invited, I would totally understand and respect your wishes. If I later saw pictures of you with 40 guests at your ceremony, I would be hurt and feel like you lied to me.

shewillbe · August 2013

LavenderHoneyBee said:

mblittle12 said:

lwoehlk said:

I should mention, we were planning on doing a little cocktail hour in between ceremony and dinner...just so we had time to mingle in a non-seated fashion and everyone could enjoy where we will be. AND so we can take a few photos with everyone.

So if friends or extras came to the ceremony, they'd be included in that cocktail hour for sure. I'd just make sure I had plenty!
I think that sounds even more awkward that they would have to leave right before the reception guests get to eat. I think you should just reiterate that you have limited space and are having a small wedding.

separate places. the cocktail hour would be where the ceremony is...to enjoy the location. Dinner is somewhere completely different. So they'd leave when everyone else leaves.

This doesn't seem bad to me. If you are hosting a cocktail hour for all ceremony guests, that is technically a "cocktail reception", and you are doing the right thing etiquette-wise in hosting these people.

This is a tricky situation though since these people aren't invited to the dinner. So sure, it might not be exactly okay according to Miss Manners. But it's one of those situations where you need to know your audience. I'm sure you wouldn't offer this option to Aunt Mrytle. But - your group of BFF's that just want to come and celebrate? If you think they won't be offended and honestly just want to be with you, then I say go for it.

I TOTALLY agree. Invite everyone to the ceremony (there's no harm done there). Then note on the invitation that there will be a cocktail reception. Include a reception/dinner card for the 22 so they'll know not to stuff at cocktail hour. Have "a" cake and do your big send off from the cocktail hour -- then head out for your intimate dinner. OR, host the dinner the next evening. Either way, a cocktail hour is a cocktail hour. They'll understand and arrange for their own dinner plans afterwards.

Xstatic3333 · August 2013

Since you're still undecided, I'd like to cast another vote for "just say no." Here's why:

I know their your friends and you love them anyway, but your friends were rude to ask if they could come according to etiquette. What about another ten people who also would have loved to see the ceremony but knew it would be impolite to ask? This is rewarding rudeness over tact.

Just keep it firmly tiny. It sounds fun! Your friends will understand.

Invited to ceremony but not dinner?

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