They knew and they did it anyway...

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

Throughout our engagement and at our wedding 2 weeks ago I have been 100% crystal clear that I'm not changing my last name. H's sister and dad have been very vocal about their opinion on the subject (which is that I should change my name) and that they essentially did not agree with my decision. Totally not their place and super rude, I know.

So we just got a note from his parents and sister in the mail thanking us for a good time at the wedding and the gifts we bought them. Both his sister and his dad wrote "Mr and Mrs HisLastName". His mom, who has supported whatever I choose, addressed me by my proper name in the card and on the envelope.

I am super pissed and feel totally disrespected. It'd be one thing if it was an innocent mistake (trust me, I've gotten it A LOT since the wedding), but it feels like deliberate disrespect. They are well aware and have actually tried to get me to change my mind to which I've always said "I'm not changing it. It's a really personal choice and its been made." Repeated as necessary.

Where you come in - how to handle this? I really want to just politely inform them that my decision never changed and neither did my name so I'd like to be addressed me as such going forward. Is it ok for me to deliver this message or should my husband do it?

Jen4948 · August 2013

Since nothing you said before the wedding has gotten through to them, have your FI do it, and start writing "Return to sender" on anything addressed to Mr and Mrs. HisLastName.

[Deleted User] · August 2013

Your H needs to step up and remind them, incessantly if necessary. I'm bad, if I was in your H's position I would tie it into each and every interaction I'd have with them until they got sick of it.

phira · August 2013

Ugh, I am so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm not changing my name either, and I'm anxious about when this sort of thing will happen to me.

It sounds like you've already tried talking to them about this issue. Has your husband? If he hasn't, then it's definitely his turn! Even if he has, maybe the following will be helpful:

"Dad/[sister], southernbelle's last name is [last name]. When you call her by my last name, you are being rude and hurtful. That she's told you repeatedly not to call her by my last name means that you are hurting her intentionally, and that is unacceptable."

A good step might be to ignore them when they misaddress you. Like, if they send a letter or invitation to Mrs. Hislast, pretend you didn't get it. If they invite you to something as Mr. and Mrs. Hislast, then your husband can call them and ask why you weren't invited. If they address you in person improperly, you ignore them as if they were addressing someone else, or you ask who they're talking about ("Who's Mrs. Lastname?").

I'm really not sure if that would be effective, or if it's just fighting rudeness with immaturity. But whatever steps you take to enforce your boundary. So the process goes:

1) Tell them the specific they're doing that's not okay: calling you by the wrong name intentionally

2) Tell them what they should do instead: call you by your correct name

3) Tell them what you will do if they continue their behavior: maybe ignoring them

banana468 · August 2013

Ditto PPs that your DH needs to speak up.

"Dad! Thanks for the note! It was so nice of you. One thing we noticed though is that you spelled my lovely wife's name wrong. Just to let you know, she's going to keep her last name. "

If they persist, "I understand that you'd prefer she change her name and that's really none of your concern. However if you want mail to get to her, you need to address it properly or it will probably wind up being returned."

NYCBruin · August 2013

Everyone has given really good suggestions. I'm a fan of doing the "return to sender" thing for improperly addressed mail. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. And please AW some pictures!!

bethsmiles · August 2013

Your H should handle it at this point. He needs to call up his sister and father and tell them that this is enough.

SMarie89 · August 2013

It sounds, to me, like you're past H just reminding them. If this was a topic that was discussed pre-wedding (and SIL and FIL were vocal about their opinions in opposition to yours) H telling them to knock it off probably won't do much. It really sounds like you need to take a proactive approach. But it really depends on how your H's family is. If they are passive aggressive (and are doing it because they seriously oppose your decision), I'd return mail to sender - every single time - until they get the picture. But if they are doing it to give you shit (not sure what kind of relationship you have with them... but I can see my FI's sister doing this just to get a rise out of me versus doing it with malice) then I'd make them feel embarrassed about it... "Marianne, I received your thank you note. You are so welcome for X, Y and Z. We truly appreciated all of your help with the wedding. *lowers voice* Now, I do want to let you know that the proper way to address a married woman keeping her given name is: _________. Just for future reference! I mean, it is the 21st century and all..."

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

Thanks ya'll. I talked to H and he's going to talk to his dad and sister. Basically be like "s-belle is my wife and my expectation is that you'll respect her by addressing her by her name. For whatever reason you did it, it wasn't acceptable and I don't expect to see it again." His words (I probably butchered it a little). So proud of H. If I wasn't on my phone there would be a "go get 'em" gif.

@NYCBruin - I only have some blurry FB pics but should be getting ones from the photog this week. An AW on SB will happen as soon as I get them

meg65 · August 2013

My husband had a similar conversation with MIL a few weeks ago. We moved, and she needed our address. Here's how it went

H: 1234 S Main St. And you know Meg didn't change her name, right?

MIL: Yeah

H: Ok, because we've been getting mail addressed to "Mr & Mrs HisLast" or "H & Meg HisLast."

MIL: Well, she's still Mrs HisLast.

H: No. No she's not.

We haven't gotten any mail from her recently, but I'm not holding my breath that it'll be addressed correctly. It is just unfathomable for some people that a woman wouldn't take her husband's name.

NYCBruin · August 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

Thanks ya'll. I talked to H and he's going to talk to his dad and sister. Basically be like "s-belle is my wife and my expectation is that you'll respect her by addressing her by her name. For whatever reason you did it, it wasn't acceptable and I don't expect to see it again." His words (I probably butchered it a little). So proud of H. If I wasn't on my phone there would be a "go get 'em" gif. @NYCBruin - I only have some blurry FB pics but should be getting ones from the photog this week. An AW on SB will happen as soon as I get them

Go FI!

And yay!

phira · August 2013

meg65 said:

My husband had a similar conversation with MIL a few weeks ago. We moved, and she needed our address. Here's how it went
H: 1234 S Main St. And you know Meg didn't change her name, right?
MIL: Yeah
H: Ok, because we've been getting mail addressed to "Mr & Mrs HisLast" or "H & Meg HisLast."
MIL: Well, she's still Mrs HisLast.
H: No. No she's not.

We haven't gotten any mail from her recently, but I'm not holding my breath that it'll be addressed correctly. It is just unfathomable for some people that a woman wouldn't take her husband's name.

I can't tell from your post whether or not this is the case with your mother-in-law, but I know a lot of people do think that even if you don't take your husband's last name, you're still "technically" Mrs. Hislast. It's hard to explain, but what I'm trying to say is that there are a lot of people who think that it's still proper etiquette to say Mrs. Hislast, and that Mrs. Hislast is what you're called regardless of your legal name.

With people like that, you have to explicitly say, "That's actually not proper etiquette because it's impolite to not address people by their actual name."

clg1213 · August 2013

I'd also continue to send replies etc with your proper name prominently included. I do think having your H address it verbally was a good call...sometimes it needs to come from the child/sibling/whatever.

I do also understand what @phira is saying...it is a form of address some people may not realize is not correct, even if they know the woman kept her name. Again, I'd have H address it and then re-affirm it with your own correspondence, incl. return address labels etc

Simply Fated · August 2013

They're being really catty trying to push your buttons. Don't let them get to you or stoop to their level. They're trying to get a rise out of you, so don't let them know they've accomplished that.
I like the idea of returning the letter with "return to sender" on it, accompanied with your proper name.

Normally when someone accidentally addresses me by the wrong name, it doesn't bother me. But this was no accident, so I can see why you'd be annoyed.

phira · August 2013

Right, the problem is when it's NOT accidental. It sounds like southernbelle's father-in-law and sister-in-law are being intentionally spiteful to punish her for her choice to keep her name.

stantokm · August 2013

Have your husband speak to them like he has volunteered to do; not responding to mail addressed incorrectly or marking it "Return to Sender" is passive-aggressive and stooping to their level.

But if you want to be childish about it, address mail sent to them as Mr. or Ms Penis Breath. When they ask WTF? say that you thought it was okay to call people by fake names in their family.

KatWAG · August 2013

I would tell FIL that your H is taking your last name. Just to mess with him.

Ajuliana · August 2013

KatWAG said:
I would tell FIL that your H is taking your last name. Just to mess with him.

And maybe print off a few fake return labels and use that the next time you send them something!!!

audreyecu61 · August 2013

I told hubbys uncle that hubby was taking my last name when uncle gave me a speech/advice about a womans role in the marriage. It was funny to everyone at the table except the uncle.

jeull64 · August 2013

Is it really worth a family battle? I mean, I know its your name and its important. But, is it worth the potential fallout?? what if they stop speaking as a result? was it worth it?

I have been married almost 30 years, and please take this advice with the care it is meant with....

when it comes to the in-laws... choose your battles very carefully ... you will not win them all, and after a few years you will learn it isnt worth the repeated head butting to hurt everyone.

For instance, is the way they address mail critically important? Is it more important than say, perhaps a dispute over how you discipline your future children? Or what holidays each side of your family you will spend the holiday with?

In the long run, its just mail.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

But it's not just mail. It's her name. There's nothing more personal than your name.

And I say this as someone whose BF's family still hasn't bothered to learn how to spell her first OR last name. It matters. Every time something else shows up misspelled, it stings just a little more.

phira · August 2013

jeull64 said:

Is it really worth a family battle? I mean, I know its your name and its important. But, is it worth the potential fallout?? what if they stop speaking as a result? was it worth it?

I have been married almost 30 years, and please take this advice with the care it is meant with....

when it comes to the in-laws... choose your battles very carefully ... you will not win them all, and after a few years you will learn it isnt worth the repeated head butting to hurt everyone.

For instance, is the way they address mail critically important? Is it more important than say, perhaps a dispute over how you discipline your future children? Or what holidays each side of your family you will spend the holiday with?

In the long run, its just mail.

The problem is that it's not just mail. Choosing your battles is important, but this isn't like, "My in-laws do this one annoying thing that doesn't really impact my life or our relationship all that much." Insisting on calling her the wrong name because they believe she should have changed her last name is disrespectful. They're doing it to be cruel, to punish her for not doing what they want. That's a hill I'd absolutely die on.

NYCBruin · August 2013

jeull64 said:

Is it really worth a family battle? I mean, I know its your name and its important. But, is it worth the potential fallout?? what if they stop speaking as a result? was it worth it?

I have been married almost 30 years, and please take this advice with the care it is meant with....

when it comes to the in-laws... choose your battles very carefully ... you will not win them all, and after a few years you will learn it isnt worth the repeated head butting to hurt everyone.

For instance, is the way they address mail critically important? Is it more important than say, perhaps a dispute over how you discipline your future children? Or what holidays each side of your family you will spend the holiday with?

In the long run, its just mail.

This isn't like getting a Christmas present from your MIL that you don't like and pretending you love it.

Intentionally calling someone the wrong name is incredibly disrespectful. They knew she was keeping her name and deliberately call her the wrong name. It's much more than mail. It's about respect.

If FILs did something that was disrespectful to me after being repeatedly told not to, we would not see them on holidays until such behavior stopped. If my family did something similar to FI, we wouldn't be seeing them on holidays either. End of story.

NerdyLucy · August 2013

jeull64 said:

when it comes to the in-laws... choose your battles very carefully ... you will not win them all, and after a few years you will learn it isnt worth the repeated head butting to hurt everyone.

This is just my opinion, but I feel if there's ever a battle to win, this is it.

[Deleted User] · August 2013

jeull64 said:
Is it really worth a family battle? I mean, I know its your name and its important. But, is it worth the potential fallout?? what if they stop speaking as a result? was it worth it?

I have been married almost 30 years, and please take this advice with the care it is meant with....

when it comes to the in-laws... choose your battles very carefully ... you will not win them all, and after a few years you will learn it isnt worth the repeated head butting to hurt everyone.

For instance, is the way they address mail critically important? Is it more important than say, perhaps a dispute over how you discipline your future children? Or what holidays each side of your family you will spend the holiday with?

In the long run, its just mail.

Any parent who would rather stop speaking to their child than to address their child's spouse correctly is, pardon my language, an assshole and not worth having a relationship with.

I'm shocked this is even a problem. I know that when I get married I will definitely keep my name, and I never even considered Boyfriend's family would have an issue with it. Who does that!?!

ElcaB · August 2013

This will probably be an unpopular opinion, but to me this isn't that big a deal. I have an aunt who hyphenated her last name, but when I send mail to her and my uncle, I don't write "Mr. X and Mrs. X-Y," I write "Mr. and Mrs. X."

But, if it bothers you, it bothers you. I think you're on the right track with H standing up for you.

ashleyep · August 2013

ElcaB said: This will probably be an unpopular opinion, but to me this isn't that big a deal. I have an aunt who hyphenated her last name, but when I send mail to her and my uncle, I don't write "Mr. X and Mrs. X-Y," I write "Mr. and Mrs. X."
But, if it bothers you, it bothers you. I think you're on the right track with H standing up for you.

-----
I wouldn't be that bothered by it if it's not intentional. In your case, you know her name isn't Mrs. X, yet you continue to address her that way. That's wrong, and I WOULD be offended by it.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

ElcaB said:

This will probably be an unpopular opinion, but to me this isn't that big a deal. I have an aunt who hyphenated her last name, but when I send mail to her and my uncle, I don't write "Mr. X and Mrs. X-Y," I write "Mr. and Mrs. X."

But, if it bothers you, it bothers you. I think you're on the right track with H standing up for you.

See that's the thing - as long as people respect my name and address me by it (I think that's pretty basic), it doesn't matter what their opinion is or what my opinion is. We can agree to disagree on the concept as a whole, but the point here is that it's super disrespectful to call someone by the wrong name when you know what their name is to try to force your opinion on them.

I don't call my FIL "Mr. MIL-Maiden-Name". If he had stated it was important to him to keep his last name when they got married (obviously it was), I wouldn't purposely address him otherwise. It would be rude and disrespectful.

Also, I think this speaks to the greater importance of establishing boundaries and respect right off the bat as we start off into "in-law" territory.

Jen4948 · August 2013

jeull64 said:

Is it really worth a family battle? I mean, I know its your name and its important. But, is it worth the potential fallout?? what if they stop speaking as a result? was it worth it?

I have been married almost 30 years, and please take this advice with the care it is meant with....

when it comes to the in-laws... choose your battles very carefully ... you will not win them all, and after a few years you will learn it isnt worth the repeated head butting to hurt everyone.

For instance, is the way they address mail critically important? Is it more important than say, perhaps a dispute over how you discipline your future children? Or what holidays each side of your family you will spend the holiday with?

In the long run, its just mail.

Yes, this is a hill to die on. It goes beyond mail to basic respect for the boundaries of others. If they're not going to respect her wishes as to her name, what else are they going to jerk her around about? Deciding that continued disrespectful treatment is okay gives "permission" for them to keep being disrespectful and extends it into other areas.

ElcaB · August 2013

southernbelle0915 said: ElcaB said: This will probably be an unpopular opinion, but to me this isn't that big a deal. I have an aunt who hyphenated her last name, but when I send mail to her and my uncle, I don't write "Mr. X and Mrs. X-Y," I write "Mr. and Mrs. X."
But, if it bothers you, it bothers you. I think you're on the right track with H standing up for you. See that's the thing - as long as people respect my name and address me by it (I think that's pretty basic), it doesn't matter what their opinion is or what my opinion is. We can agree to disagree on the concept as a whole, but the point here is that it's super disrespectful to call someone by the wrong name when you know what their name is to try to force your opinion on them.
I don't call my FIL "Mr. MIL-Maiden-Name". If he had stated it was important to him to keep his last name when they got married (obviously it was), I wouldn't purposely address him otherwise. It would be rude and disrespectful.
Also, I think this speaks to the greater importance of establishing boundaries and respect right off the bat as we start off into "in-law" territory. That's an excellent point. When you get down to it, they're purposely doing it to "argue their case." I don't see what the BFD is about you keeping your last name. Do you have any idea why it bothers them? (Not that it matters. It's silly for them to get their panties in a bunch. It's your name, for crying out loud!) On second thought, stand your ground. Like SB said, first it's dictating your name, then it's dictating what kind of diapers you by your kid. Be firm, but respectful. Good luck with this one! It sounds like a highly uncomfortable situation.

ETA: Get me outta this quote box!

phira · August 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

ElcaB said:

This will probably be an unpopular opinion, but to me this isn't that big a deal. I have an aunt who hyphenated her last name, but when I send mail to her and my uncle, I don't write "Mr. X and Mrs. X-Y," I write "Mr. and Mrs. X."

But, if it bothers you, it bothers you. I think you're on the right track with H standing up for you.

See that's the thing - as long as people respect my name and address me by it (I think that's pretty basic), it doesn't matter what their opinion is or what my opinion is. We can agree to disagree on the concept as a whole, but the point here is that it's super disrespectful to call someone by the wrong name when you know what their name is to try to force your opinion on them.

I don't call my FIL "Mr. MIL-Maiden-Name". If he had stated it was important to him to keep his last name when they got married (obviously it was), I wouldn't purposely address him otherwise. It would be rude and disrespectful.

Also, I think this speaks to the greater importance of establishing boundaries and respect right off the bat as we start off into "in-law" territory.

ABSOLUTELY. This goes with the whole, "This isn't actually about mail" thing. Your new in-laws are testing your boundaries and trying to make you redraw them to accommodate them.

They knew and they did it anyway...

Re: They knew and they did it anyway...

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