• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Customs and Traditions

Destination or Close to home Wedding Dilemma

So in conversation with my fiance about our wedding next year, he says he much rather have a destination wedding. I would rather have our wedding close to my family and where we live, which means his parents, sister, grandma, and our 2 close friends that live where he is from (the only people that would be coming from out of town to the wedding) would have to travel 4 hours. He stated that it would be easier and make it fair to his parents, sister, grandma, and our 2 close friends who are traveling if we make everyone travel to apart of the wedding. My family is close and there would be close to 20 family members and 5 of my friend that live near us now who would have to travel as well if we had a destination wedding. I think that the destination wedding would be more of a headache and cost more between having to pay for the hotel rooms for everyone that we can not afford to do and having to do the wedding options some places offer. I want to be hands on in planning it and able to make it more personalize rather having some else do it for us. 

Any advice or suggestions?
Thanks! 

Re: Destination or Close to home Wedding Dilemma

  • Agree with scribe. If your FI's only reason for wanting a DW is because he wants to make everyone have to travel, that's rude and selfish of him. The nature of at-home weddings is that aomeone's family always will have to travel. Rarely do two people have families who all live in the same town. Most of us grow up, go to college, move away, meet someone else who has grown up and moved away, and fall in love.

    If you search the boards for 'Destination Weddings,' you'll find lots of helpful advice. One thing to consider is that DWs typically have much smaller guest lists. You're now asking people not only to travel but to give up their vacation time to come see you get married.

    Also, the only invited to the wedding can be invited to pre-wedding parties -- such as bridal showers, bachelor/bachelorette parties, etc.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • 1. If your FI wants to have a destination wedding solely because he wants it to be fair it's a bit odd. You should find out if it's because of any other reason. If there isn't then you should discuss with him how it's now unfair to everyone else.
    Another possibility is to have it half way from them to your house.
    I'd love to say do an at home wedding but he gets a say too.

    2. You do not need to pay for everyone's travel cost and hotel if you do a destination wedding.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    You don't have to pay for the travel costs of your guests if you do have a destination wedding. 

    But, if it's important to you to have family members and friends at your wedding who cannot travel to a destination wedding, I think you need to convey that to your FI and work out some kind of wedding plan that will work for you both.  He may need to give up his desire for a destination wedding; you may need to accept that people close to you may not be able to come. Or you and he might need to make other compromises.
  • AJ4ever08 said:
    So in conversation with my fiance about our wedding next year, he says he much rather have a destination wedding. I would rather have our wedding close to my family and where we live, which means his parents, sister, grandma, and our 2 close friends that live where he is from (the only people that would be coming from out of town to the wedding) would have to travel 4 hours. He stated that it would be easier and make it fair to his parents, sister, grandma, and our 2 close friends who are traveling if we make everyone travel to apart of the wedding. My family is close and there would be close to 20 family members and 5 of my friend that live near us now who would have to travel as well if we had a destination wedding. I think that the destination wedding would be more of a headache and cost more between having to pay for the hotel rooms for everyone that we can not afford to do and having to do the wedding options some places offer. I want to be hands on in planning it and able to make it more personalize rather having some else do it for us. 

    Any advice or suggestions?
    Thanks! 


  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited July 2013
    "...If your FI's only reason for wanting a DW is because he wants to make everyone have to travel, that's rude and selfish of him..." This is my first impression as well! And, "...you should discuss with him how it's now unfair to everyone else...." And, this is my second thought! Your FI seems a bit childish and annoying, to be saying "It's not fair that only my family has to travel. I want to make your family suffer too." My third thought was, is four hours a freakin' big obstacle for them? Adding that a wedding where you live is totally easier on you both, can you help him to see the light?
  • Thank everyone! I was not sure about having to pay for the hotel rooms, but I think it is kinda rude to invite them to the wedding where they would have to take vacation time and pay for their hotel if they wanted to come.
     I will def. talk to him and figure out why he really wants a destination wedding. I know he has been saying he wanted to get married at the beach. I also think that since his mom and grandma are not in the best of health, he is worried that they would not be able to make the 4 hour trip. We could get married at the beach near where they live so it would be less travel for them, but a lot further for my family. I thinks he like the small intimate feel of a destination wedding because, just assuming, there would be far less people that would actually attend, which would also make it cheaper. 
    I know in the end, he will agree on what makes me happy, but I want him to have a say so in the wedding especially since he doesn't usually say much about how he would like the wedding to be. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited July 2013
    AJ4ever08 said:
    Thank everyone! I was not sure about having to pay for the hotel rooms, but I think it is kinda rude to invite them to the wedding where they would have to take vacation time and pay for their hotel if they wanted to come.
     I will def. talk to him and figure out why he really wants a destination wedding. I know he has been saying he wanted to get married at the beach. I also think that since his mom and grandma are not in the best of health, he is worried that they would not be able to make the 4 hour trip. We could get married at the beach near where they live so it would be less travel for them, but a lot further for my family. I thinks he like the small intimate feel of a destination wedding because, just assuming, there would be far less people that would actually attend, which would also make it cheaper. 
    I know in the end, he will agree on what makes me happy, but I want him to have a say so in the wedding especially since he doesn't usually say much about how he would like the wedding to be. 
    Depending on their health or other conditions, his guests and yours also may not be able to handle a beach wedding.  Sand could be hard to move about on, plus, it's out in the open air, under a hot sun with salt if it's at a salt-water beach.  I think that needs to be factored into wedding planning too.
  • Tradition states that the wedding normally takes place in the hometown of the bride.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Chan245 said:
    Tradition states that the wedding normally takes place in the hometown of the bride.
    This doesn't work anymore.  It may be completely impractical for any other guests to attend a wedding in the bride's "hometown" (assuming she considers any place to be her "hometown").
  • We are using a place that is a 2 - 2.5 hour drive for just about everyone, ourselves included, although there are a couple people who will "luck out" and be local.  It is a town we've spent time in together (oddly b/c of my medical needs, but we were unable to stay w/ family a few times and had mini-trips w/ hotel stays instead) and where we got engaged (though the venue is not the same).  I think the distance gives people a nice option since driving is do-able, esp since it is a daytime/brunch wedding (makes for a long day, but very feasible for most), or people can opt to stay an have a little weekend getaway.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Thanks everyone! He finally told that he rather have small destination wedding because it would be more about us and less about everyone else. He feels that we would have to please/ entertain everyone invited and not have the intimate time and focus just on us on our day like at a smaller destination wedding. I know as well that he does not like large crowds and especially doesn't like being the center of attention in a large crowd. I know at most there would be 40- 50 people (which may be overwhelming to him) and most of which are my family. I feel if we did have a destination wedding that we would still have to invite everyone because I am the first in my family and he is the first/ only in his to have an actually wedding and would not like to miss us getting married as well as disappointed not to be invited. My fiance is not very outspoken about anything with the wedding, but I know he has said a destination wedding many times. 
    What to do, what to do??? I didn't realize that it was going to be so complicated to just choose a place.  Maybe we should flip a coin lol j/k 

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    It sounds at the moment like you have a relationship problem.  Before you plan anything, see if you can reach a compromise on something!  Perhaps you can benefit from couples counseling.
    STARMOON44
  • Hmm.. No we don't have a relationship problem. Not sure what makes it seem that we have relationship problems and need counseling. Thanks though! 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited August 2013
    AJ4ever08 said:
    Hmm.. No we don't have a relationship problem. Not sure what makes it seem that we have relationship problems and need counseling. Thanks though! 
    What made it seem like a relationship problem was that both of you have very specific and conflicting ideas about what you want for one occasion that you can't do over, and that although you said he would agree with whatever makes you happy, you also want him to have a say so in the wedding, and what he wants is totally different from what you want.  You haven't said that you'd be willing to compromise, and he shouldn't have to totally compromise for you.

    The wedding ultimately needs to be something both of you are happy with, without one of you bearing grudges into the future that you didn't have the wedding you wanted just to please the other one who did.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards