Farewell brunch

realsoon · August 2013

About half of our guest list is out-of-towners that we don't get to see often, so I'd like to have a farewell brunch on Sunday to allow us to spend a little quality time with out-of-towners (I don't think there will be a lot of quality time at the reception). I'd like to keep it near the host hotel to make it easy for everyone. No one who could host it lives close by so we'd go out. Do we have to pay for the meals? Is there a proper, informal way of inviting people to meet us for brunch without setting the expectation that we'd pay? Some of my friends say it's not expected that we'd pay. I feel a little funny about not picking up the tab, but also see the squeeze on our budget. It could be anywhere between 30 and 75 people depending on when they plan to depart. Thoughts? Advice?

AddieCake · August 2013

Just tell them you are going for brunch the next morning if any of them would like to join you. That's how we handled our after-party and breakfast the next day.

itzMS · August 2013

realsoon said:

About half of our guest list is out-of-towners that we don't get to see often, so I'd like to have a farewell brunch on Sunday to allow us to spend a little quality time with out-of-towners (I don't think there will be a lot of quality time at the reception). I'd like to keep it near the host hotel to make it easy for everyone. No one who could host it lives close by so we'd go out. Do we have to pay for the meals? Is there a proper, informal way of inviting people to meet us for brunch without setting the expectation that we'd pay? Some of my friends say it's not expected that we'd pay. I feel a little funny about not picking up the tab, but also see the squeeze on our budget. It could be anywhere between 30 and 75 people depending on when they plan to depart. Thoughts? Advice?

You should pay.

Why can't you have it at the hotel? Most have a small banquet room or hospitality room that they would rent for an hour or so. Have some bagels, pastries, fruit, coffee and juice. Easy.

If the hotel cannot make/supply these items, you can have it catered in from Panera or another bagel/pastry shop.

Please join us for a farewell continental breakfast

Sunday, October 20. 9:00-11:00 AM in room 1200

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

We picked a coffee shop. We did this for 2 reasons 1) we didn't want to try and figure out how many people would come, and 2) we wanted people to be able to come and go as their schedules permitted. We asked the coffee shop if they were cool with it and they were.

We put out a little framed sign at the RD and on the guest book table that we'd be at the coffee shop on Sunday morning from 9-11am for anyone who wanted to stop by. It was really fun and low-key. Some people stayed the whole time. Others stopped in for 5 minutes and left for their flights. I'm really glad we did it that way.

STARMOON44 · August 2013

I'd normally agree with Addie, but if you're expecting up to 75 people I'd think you would need a reservation to find someplace able to handle that many people. I second the suggestion of checking with the hotel.

AddieCake · August 2013

Oh, good point about maybe needing a reservation.

emmyg65 · August 2013

Our hotel has a restaurant that serves brunch. We plan to put the word out that we'll be there from 10 till noon and people are welcome to stop by if they'd like. Since we're not really inviting them, we don't have to pay for them.

realsoon · August 2013

Thanks for your input. My hotel can absolutely do it, but it's signficantly more expensive per person than the restaraunt I would choose a block away. I'm not really short on locations. My question is about paying or not and stating in a way that is not in poor taste if we choose not to pay. I guess I want to hear that it's ok to not pay.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

It's fine to not pay as long as you don't extend invitations like it's a hosted event.

If you say "hey we'll be here around 10am. If you want to stop by, we'd love to see you. If not, can't wait to see you at ____." I don't think anyone would think it was a hosted event or be confused.

Jen4948 · August 2013

Well, I think you'll be fine not paying if you make clear at the time you extend the invitations that it's not "hosted" :

"We'll be going to X on the day after the wedding at 10am. We'll be paying for ourselves, but if you'd like to join us, we'll be happy to go together with you."

Jessa617 · August 2013

Jen4948 said:

Well, I think you'll be fine not paying if you make clear at the time you extend the invitations that it's not "hosted" :

"We'll be going to X on the day after the wedding at 10am. We'll be paying for ourselves, but if you'd like to join us, we'll be happy to go together with you."

I wouldn't mention to the guests that you are paying for yourselves.

Just tell them where you'll be and what time. Let them know they are welcome to join if they want. No need to bring up money, I think it's presumed that you won't be paying for them.

Jen4948 · August 2013

Jessa617 said:

Jen4948 said:

Well, I think you'll be fine not paying if you make clear at the time you extend the invitations that it's not "hosted" :

"We'll be going to X on the day after the wedding at 10am. We'll be paying for ourselves, but if you'd like to join us, we'll be happy to go together with you."

I wouldn't mention to the guests that you are paying for yourselves.

Just tell them where you'll be and what time. Let them know they are welcome to join if they want. No need to bring up money, I think it's presumed that you won't be paying for them.

I don't think this is presumed. In any case, I wouldn't issue this kind of invitation without making clear that I'm not covering anyone else's costs, because it would lead to confusion and resentment if I didn't make that clear.

Jessa617 · August 2013

If someone said to me "I'm going to be at Starbucks on Sunday at 9am if you want to join me", I sure as hell don't take that as them hosting the event and covering my costs. I know if I want to show up I will be paying for my own coffee and breakfast. I think it's kind of a slap in the face if you outright tell your guests "I am paying for myself, [but not you...so make sure you bring money to cover your breakfast]". KWIM

Jen4948 · August 2013

Jessa617 said:

If someone said to me "I'm going to be at Starbucks on Sunday at 9am if you want to join me", I sure as hell don't take that as them hosting the event and covering my costs. I know if I want to show up I will be paying for my own coffee and breakfast. I think it's kind of a slap in the face if you outright tell your guests "I am paying for myself, [but not you...so make sure you bring money to cover your breakfast]". KWIM

They can join you or not, but if they join you, they will have to be responsible for their own costs. They do not have to accept. I don't see that as a "slap in the face."

And no, it isn't "understood." Many people accept invitations to dine out assuming that whoever extended the invitation is going to cover their costs because this is not brought up, only to find out that that isn't the case. I think this would be even more of a "slap in the face"-especially if this is someone you don't get together with regularly and who might be expecting you to "host" them.

Jessa617 · August 2013

I guess things are different here, or maybe I see things differently. If someone invited me out for a few drinks or dinner I don't expect them to pay. If they flat out told me "By the way, I'm not paying for you".. I'd be pretty pissed and decline the invite.

To each their own. I just don't think OP should take that advice.

+misslisa · August 2013

Out of curiosity, is it the fact that someone just got married that implies someone is paying for it? 'Cause I know people who say all the time "Hey, I'm hitting X restaurant/bar at X time if anyone wants to come," and it's absolutely not implied that they're paying. It's just a get-together.

Jen4948 · August 2013

Jessa617 said:

I guess things are different here, or maybe I see things differently. If someone invited me out for a few drinks or dinner I don't expect them to pay. If they flat out told me "By the way, I'm not paying for you".. I'd be pretty pissed and decline the invite.

To each their own. I just don't think OP should take that advice.

You're welcome to get pissed and decline the invitation, as are those who receive it. But it is not a "slap in the face" to be told that you're not going to be "hosted" and to be prepared to pay if you choose to accept the invitation.

Jen4948 · August 2013

+misslisa said:

Out of curiosity, is it the fact that someone just got married that implies someone is paying for it? 'Cause I know people who say all the time "Hey, I'm hitting X restaurant/bar at X time if anyone wants to come," and it's absolutely not implied that they're paying. It's just a get-together.

But these are people you know and spend time with. The OP wants to get together with people she doesn't see on a regular basis, so they may well believe that they are being hosted in that the persons extending the invitation are going to cover their costs. I think it has to be made clear up front that if they choose to accept the invitation (it's not a subpoena), then they will be responsible for their costs.

If the event were taking place in the OP's home, she would be responsible for those costs, but this is not taking place in her home.

smalfrie19 · August 2013

If I get an invite to dinner I never assume that the other person is paying for it. I will either decline, based on my finances or agree to go.

Abbyjensen · August 2013

Hmm, I feel like up to 75 people is a lot to have a casual get together. You would have to have a reservation, and it would make ordering food and splitting the check really complicated. 20 people possibly meeting up for breakfast isn't as many, but when it starts to get above 30, I feel like it's becoming an established event and that it will be confusing to guests if it is hosted or not. Can you have it at the hotel but just have basic continental breakfast food? Coffee, tea, bagels, muffins, yogurt, fresh fruit?

AddieCake · August 2013

I agree with you, Jessa. If someone tells me they are going to dinner/lunch/brunch/coffee/out bar hopping at this time and this place if I want to join them, I would never in my wildest dreams think that meant they were paying my way.

STARMOON44 · August 2013

I dont see how you can get away with not paying for this large a group. You'll need reservations, so you'll need RSVPs, so you can't just open it up as a "stop by if you want." I can't picture the restaurant thrilled with that large a group dealing with different arrivals, 40+ separate checks etc. It also sounds so big you're potentially not spending a lot of quality time with people anyway, so why risk ending on a rude note, ya know?

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

I'm telling' ya'll... Do the coffee shop.

no reservations or organizing required.

ksblumb · August 2013

We had about 50 guests at our wedding and probably half stayed at the hotel that night. Just by word of mouth we let our guests know we would be down in the hotel restaurant around 10 the next morning for brunch if anyone wanted to join. They all came and we paid separately. Not a big deal at all and a nice little family breakfast before we all headed out

STARMOON44 · August 2013

@southernbelle- I suspect coffee shops are perhaps bigger where you live

around here you'd be lucky to fit 20 people total in at a time. If space works, I agree with you great idea.

allispain · August 2013

OP - is there a room in the hotel you could use to host something continental instead of trying to organize this big get-together at a restaurant? I agree with OPs that it could be tough to have something this large yet informal because you won't know precisely how many people will come to it. I can just imagine, for example, that you tell the restaurant you're expecting 75 people, but only 40 actually come by. That could be problematic for you.

What I would suggest would be to offer things like bagels, pastries, etc. from a local bakery or coffee shop. You could even get those coffee-to-go packages (that come with the cups, cream and sugar, etc.). Paying for this type of thing wouldn't break the bank and you would still be able to see the people you want to see. Depending on how many people are staying in your block at the hotel, it's possible you might even be able to talk them into giving you use of a private room for free. We did that - it happened to be a slower weekend for them so they were happy to give us some additional perks since we had booked so many rooms. We then just used the free continental breakfast the hotel already offered as our brunch fare - didn't cost us a penny. Had the offerings not turned out to be good or substantial enough (we stayed there the night before the wedding as well, so we would have known), we were planning on doing the bakery route and getting some extra things to supplement it with.

LizM61409 · August 2013

I once received an invitation to brunch the next day as a separate insert as part of the wedding invitation, complete with RSVP instructions for the brunch. We weren't able to attend, but I'd assume for that type of invitation that it was hosted by the couple.

If there's no formal invitation and word is spread as "hey, come join us if you can" type of thing I'd think you're okay not to pay

libby2483 · August 2013

In my circle, gift opening brunches are very common. We had ours at the hotel, in a large meeting room that was part of my parents' hotel suite. We just spread the info through word of mouth to close family and the BP. We hosted juice, muffins, doughnuts, and bagels, and it was very informal.

At another wedding I went to, the bride and groom just sat in the area of the hotel where the continental breakfast was served the morning after their wedding. They just visited with guests as they came down to eat breakfast.

I agree with PPs that if you just tell guests where you will be and tell them that they are welcome to join you, you don't need to pay. I would definitely NOT include anything along the lines of "we'll be paying for ourselves", though.

realsoon · August 2013

I tried that, but they have room minimums. By the time I hit the minimum I could (and would rather) give guests a full breakfast/brunch elsewhere.

realsoon · August 2013

Fair point. I don't know if it will be 75. That's worst case scenario. Most people will probably head out Sunday morning so they won't be able to stay. I was thinking noon, after hotel checkout so everyone can sleep in.

realsoon · August 2013

Thank you all for commenting. Our wedding isn't until April so I may just wait until it gets closer and I get a sense for how many people may hang around the day after. If it's not too many it may be something we can cover (I'd like to), if not we'll do a casual: hey, we'll be at such and such at 12.

Farewell brunch

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