Ending a Friendship with a Bridesmaid

Re: Ending a Friendship with a Bridesmaid

• Jen4948 member

  

  August 2013 edited August 2013

  If you haven't actually asked her to be a bridesmaid, then don't.  Just end the friendship.
  
  If you've already asked her and plan to ask her to drop out of the wedding party, that is considered a friendship-ending move anyway.
  
  Edited to add: I'd just tell her, "Unfortunately, you've been very negative and angry and there doesn't seem to be any light at the end of this tunnel.  I'd rather we just go our separate ways."
  

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• MayDay513 member

  

  August 2013

  AshleyP42 said:

  I apologize in advance for the length...I just want to be as clear as possible from the get-go...
  
  I have a "friend" that I've had for about 6 years- we used to be like sisters but the friendship stopped being healthy after maybe a year.  She lies to me, ditches me constantly for any and every guy, sometimes not even bothering to say she "can't make it," and treats most people badly...it started off as an occasional thing but it has become her MO.  I tried to leave the friendship once, about 2 years ago, but she acted devastated and practically begged me to forgive her, and promised to be a better friend.  Nothing changed, and lately her behavior has been worse than ever- I've even had to apologize on her behalf.  I've tried talking to her recently, as have other people, and her only response is "well, then people need to get out of my way and stop pissing me off!"  I've tried asking if she's okay, if she needs to talk about anything, that I've been worried about her, etc.- but she shuts down and just gets defensive, saying everyone else is the problem.  She clearly has personal issues but refuses to do anything to help herself, no matter how much me and others have tried to talk to her and express concern.
  
  I never actually asked her to be a bridesmaid but she assumed she would be one, and I didn't object since at that point in time, I was planning on asking her anyway.  But now I just need to let this friendship go.  She's crossed the line several times in the past 6 months, and talking to her has done nothing.  We're on a billiards team together and I, along with a few other people, were thinking about starting our own team specifically because all the drama this girl has caused has made it miserable for everyone.  It wasn't a for-sure decision so when our captain announced the team split last week, I was shocked- I hadn't wanted it to come out of the blue for her.  So now she's mad at me, and because of a tournament this week, I'll be spending 24/7 with her for four days and neither of us will have other friends there...
  
  I know she will ask why I'm quitting the team.  I know I need to be honest and tell her that our team wasn't fun anymore and if she asks why, I'm okay with telling her the truth- that the constant negativity and anger from her made it a very unpleasant environment.  What I don't know is if I should leave it at that and deal with the larger problem of our friendship and her being a bridesmaid later...or if I should lay it all out there and get it over with even though we'll both feel horrible and awkward the entire trip.  I don't think it's fair to either of us to drag this on forever and I think if the opportunity comes to be honest about giving up on the friendship, I need to take it.  But I don't feel confident that this is the right decision especially since we're sharing a hotel room the entire 4 days, and if it is the right decision, how do I tell her this, especially since it will also mean firing her as a bridesmaid? 
  
  Any advice would be greatly appreciated
  

  Sounds like you don't want to be friends with her so don't. You never asked her to be a bridesmaid so no need to "fire" her.
  You could always write her an email telling her all of this, or send her the link. She'll probably get the hint.
  

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• AshleyP42 member

  

  August 2013

  Thanks for the responses!  We're leaving for the tournament Wednesday night so I'm pretty sure it will come up then.  I guess all I can do is wait and see what she says, and play it by ear.  From the advice, it sounds like it would be better to just let it all out rather than only address the surface issues.  I'm hoping we can push off talking about it until after the trip, for both our sakes, but if that can't happen then I guess I should just lay it all out on the table.  Ending the friendship will end the plans for her being a bridesmaid, and vice versa, so either way I guess the issue will sort itself out.  I'm just not looking forward to sharing a hotel room for 4 days with someone who will either hate me or endless try to guilt-trip me :-/
  

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• AshleyP42 member

  

  August 2013

  @Jen4948- thanks for the wording suggestion!  That does sound like an honest way to tell her without being "mean" about it.
  

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• AshleyP42 member

  

  August 2013

  @Jen4948- thanks for the wording suggestion!  That does sound like an honest way to tell her without being "mean" about it.
  

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• MayDay513 member

  

  August 2013

  
  

  AshleyP42 said:

  Thanks for the responses!  We're leaving for the tournament Wednesday night so I'm pretty sure it will come up then.  I guess all I can do is wait and see what she says, and play it by ear.  From the advice, it sounds like it would be better to just let it all out rather than only address the surface issues.  I'm hoping we can push off talking about it until after the trip, for both our sakes, but if that can't happen then I guess I should just lay it all out on the table.  Ending the friendship will end the plans for her being a bridesmaid, and vice versa, so either way I guess the issue will sort itself out.  I'm just not looking forward to sharing a hotel room for 4 days with someone who will either hate me or endless try to guilt-trip me :-/
  

  I like Jen's wording too. But I would not do it on a trip where you need to see her for the next few days. Like when you are done would be a better less awkward time.On the way home etc.
  

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• cruffino member

  

  August 2013

  AshleyP42 said:

  Thanks for the responses!  We're leaving for the tournament Wednesday night so I'm pretty sure it will come up then.  I guess all I can do is wait and see what she says, and play it by ear.  From the advice, it sounds like it would be better to just let it all out rather than only address the surface issues.  I'm hoping we can push off talking about it until after the trip, for both our sakes, but if that can't happen then I guess I should just lay it all out on the table.  Ending the friendship will end the plans for her being a bridesmaid, and vice versa, so either way I guess the issue will sort itself out.  I'm just not looking forward to sharing a hotel room for 4 days with someone who will either hate me or endless try to guilt-trip me :-/
  

  can you get your own room? i can't imagine being in close quarters with someone i no longer want to be friends with especially if this conversation might come up. you'll have to sleep with one eye open. 

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• AshleyP42 member

  

  August 2013

  That's my worry :-/  I can't get another room, unfortunately- it came extremely cheap as part of the non-refundable registration for the tournament, has already been paid, and I can't afford a separate room.  I'm hoping to put the conversation off until after the trip- I don't even have a problem saying "Maybe we should talk about this when we're not overwhelmed with the tournament" but what if she keeps pushing and insists on asking why I ditched "our" team?  Should I simply stick to the "it stopped being fun" reason and refuse to get into our friendship issues?  Or do I be fully honest about the whole thing if she takes the conversation in that direction?
  

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• MayDay513 member

  

  August 2013

  AshleyP42 said:

  That's my worry :-/  I can't get another room, unfortunately- it came extremely cheap as part of the non-refundable registration for the tournament, has already been paid, and I can't afford a separate room.  I'm hoping to put the conversation off until after the trip- I don't even have a problem saying "Maybe we should talk about this when we're not overwhelmed with the tournament" but what if she keeps pushing and insists on asking why I ditched "our" team?  Should I simply stick to the "it stopped being fun" reason and refuse to get into our friendship issues?  Or do I be fully honest about the whole thing if she takes the conversation in that direction?
  

  This is your call. Is there another reason you ditched the team? You can say wedding planning? Time? Etc. 4 days is a long time. So I would keep it as calm as possible at least until the morning of day 4.
  
  I had a friend (bridesmaid) like this. Post wedding we had a falling out. I had the opportunity to essentially rip her a new one and pretty much throw out every eff'd up thing she's ever done, said, etc., but just decided it was over and that was it.
  

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• AshleyP42 member

  

  August 2013

  Unfortunately, I can't think of a reason that would explain me leaving the team to join another team, especially one that plays in a less convenient location for me.  Plus she'll know I'm lying if any of the other people switching teams tells her why they decided to leave (same reason as me).  Maybe for now I can explain to her that I just don't want to invest time and money in a team that is no longer fun, and just not get into the larger issues.  If she wants details, I can give examples of incidents that have happened...if she won't be able to deny the problem...I mean, if you're literally throwing temper tantrums, yelling and screaming, and threatening to beat up random people at a bar...you can't possibly expect your teammates to support that.  That gives me an idea though- I could make it a "this was a decision I made as a member of the team" thing and not a "this is a decision I made as a friend" thing.  Not that she'd be happy about it but even she acknowledges that to an extent, personal relationships and team relationships sometimes need to be separate.
  

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• MayDay513 member

  

  August 2013

  
  

  AshleyP42 said:

  Unfortunately, I can't think of a reason that would explain me leaving the team to join another team, especially one that plays in a less convenient location for me.  Plus she'll know I'm lying if any of the other people switching teams tells her why they decided to leave (same reason as me).  Maybe for now I can explain to her that I just don't want to invest time and money in a team that is no longer fun, and just not get into the larger issues.  If she wants details, I can give examples of incidents that have happened...if she won't be able to deny the problem...I mean, if you're literally throwing temper tantrums, yelling and screaming, and threatening to beat up random people at a bar...you can't possibly expect your teammates to support that.  That gives me an idea though- I could make it a "this was a decision I made as a member of the team" thing and not a "this is a decision I made as a friend" thing.  Not that she'd be happy about it but even she acknowledges that to an extent, personal relationships and team relationships sometimes need to be separate.
  

  I'm glad you've had enough of her. Just based on this thread I'm getting stressed out on how to deal with her. She sounds fricking fabulous (sarcasm).
  

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• AshleyP42 member

  

  August 2013

  Haha, right?!  I made the mistake of "accepting" how she treated me for a long time...but the last 6 months have been a nightmare, and the way she treats other people is absolutely appalling.  I could even deal with her blowing up and hating me- selfishly, I wish that's how she had reacted when she found out about the new team.  It's the "I feel so sad and hurt..." guilt-trip that gets me every time...until now that is.  A fellow bridesmaid is one of the people she is just awful to, even after I asked her to at least be civil, as a favor to me as a friend...which really sealed the "firing" decision for me.
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  August 2013

  scribe95 said:

  Okay. I think I need some clarification.
  
  She was officially a bridesmaid right? You said you didn't ask her but she assumed and you didn't correct because you were going to ask her anyway right? So have you talked dresses, bought anything, done anything weddingy? How far away is the wedding?
  
  If so I think it's a douche move to kick her out. Mostly because it sounds to me like you haven't liked her in years and still don't like her. Which means you should never have had her as a bridesmaid in the first place. But you did. Bad move by you.
  

  No, from the OP it sounds like she ISN'T a bridesmaid and was never asked to be one, but thinks she is a bridesmaid, so the OP isn't a "douche" and didn't make a "bad move." 
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  August 2013

  scribe95 said:

  I'm still waiting for clarification. Sounds to me like she went along with her being a bridesmaid.
  

  It sounds to me like she just didn't clarify to this other girl that she's not a bridesmaid.  That's not the same as making her a bridesmaid.
  
  All the drama is in the other girl's mind.
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  August 2013 edited August 2013

  scribe95 said:

  Look she says she didn't correct her. So if they merrily talked about the wedding as if she was a bridesmaid then she was. That's what I'm trying to understand.
  
  Also she repeatedly calls her a bridesmaid in the post.
  

  It doesn't sound to me like they "merrily talked about the wedding" or any other subject at all-that's what the whole post is about.  It sounds more like the other girl has been negative and hostile about a whole bunch of things.
  
  As for her repeatedly referring to her as a "bridesmaid," that's probably just to speed up her typing-not because she is a bridesmaid.
  
  Edited to add: Scribe, it sounds to me like you're looking for a reason to criticize and attack her.  Two people got banned from this forum, apparently for reactions not unlike yours.  I'm sure we'd both hate it if that happened to you, so I'd cool it with the hostility and sarcasm until she does clarify.  Lose the "douche" and other name-calling.
  

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• AshleyP42 member

  

  August 2013

  I would consider her a bridesmaid because she would have been asked anyway, I have referred to her as such, and I have attempted to talk to her about wedding stuff ("attempted" because every time I bring it up, she talks about how she "should" be married and how it's "not fair" that she's not).
  
  At the time, about 1.5 years ago (my FI and I had a 2.5 year engagement so the wedding is about a year away now) things weren't THIS bad.  Our friendship had problems but it had strong points too- I thought there was enough "good" in it to hold onto, that we could work through the issues, and I honestly thought she would be happy for me and be supportive.  I didn't want to throw our friendship away.  But my attempts to talk to her about the issues have failed over and over again, and the past 6 months have been horrible- to the point I stopped talking to her about wedding stuff, stopped inviting her to anything wedding-related or not, etc.  I feel like I've done everything I can, but she just doesn't care...she'll "care" when I'm gone or when she's single but that's not what a true friend does.
  
  I'm at fault for holding onto the friendship so long, but I had no idea how bad things would get and no idea it would become hopeless.  If she were the person I knew the first several years, I could accept the bad and the good together...but in the past 6 months that person has completely disappeared and there's nothing good about our "friendship" left. 
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  August 2013

  So it sounds like you want to end the friendship anyway.  In that case, it doesn't matter whether or not you ask her to step down as a bridesmaid.
  

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• AshleyP42 member

  

  August 2013

  @Jen4948- thanks for the support   What you said is right- that we haven't been "merrily talking about the wedding."  I stopped talking to her about it a long time ago because I was met with nothing but blank stares or snarky comments...not at all what I expected from her.
  
  @Scribe95- I accepted her as a bridesmaid because I thought she was my friend.  We had issues, we talked about them, but in the end she still meant a lot to me and I thought I meant something to her.  Things have spiraled downward since, and I've done everything I can to salvage the relationship, but there is nothing left.  Personally, I think if a friend goes from a friend to someone you treats you, your friends, and your bridesmaids horribly- that changes things.
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  August 2013

  AshleyP42 said:

  @Jen4948- thanks for the support   What you said is right- that we haven't been "merrily talking about the wedding."  I stopped talking to her about it a long time ago because I was met with nothing but blank stares or snarky comments...not at all what I expected from her.
  
  
  You're welcome!
  

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• AshleyP42 member

  

  August 2013

  Jen4948 said:

  So it sounds like you want to end the friendship anyway.  In that case, it doesn't matter whether or not you ask her to step down as a bridesmaid.
  

  Definitely...the friendship will end, and that will be the end of having her as a bridesmaid.  I suppose the order it happens in doesn't really matter- in the end it's the same :-/  I think I'm just stressed that this is all coming down the week we'll be on a trip together- 4 hours in the car each way plus 4 days in Vegas.  I guess all I can do is take it as it comes.
  

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• AshleyP42 member

  

  August 2013

  Sorry if I used the wrong term of "firing"- I don't really like it either but that's how I always hear it referred to. 
  
  But to clarify, she did change- a lot- for the worse.  We had our issues from the beginning but they were manageable.  They have become far from manageable.  She went from being a good person at heart with some issues of being inconsiderate and I always vouched for her...to becoming someone intolerable to be around, who's actions and attitude I can't stand up for.  So you're right, I didn't expect her to magically become different...but that's what she did, in a negative way.
  
  Anyway, I appreciate everyone's input. 
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  August 2013 edited August 2013

  scribe95 said:

  So she clearly was a bridesmaid.
  
  And we generally on this forum tell people not to "fire" bridesmaids. She apparently hasn't done anything wrong except being unpleasant. And the OP admits she was this way before. We also tell people repeatedly not to expect a person to be magically different when they are suddenly a bridesmaid.
  
  So, no, I would not kick her out. But if the OP wants to end the friendship then this move will clearly do that. No ifs, ands or buts.
  
  And also to Jen. I am well aware of the recent bans and I take your comment, frankly, to be a threat. I said the move was douchey to fire her. That is not against TOS
  

  Look, I'm not a moderator and don't have the power to ban you.  But I do think, given what the moderators have decided to do, that your hostile attitude that you've been conveying in your posts could be something that they might decide on their own is undesirable and can get you banned.  So whether or not it's against the old, the new, or any TOS, I think it would be in everyone's best interests for you to cut out the snark.  "Douchey" seems to be a word that isn't going over well with the mods of late.
  

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• Viczaesar member

  

  August 2013

  *eyeroll* @Jen4948
  

  
  
  
  

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• mlg78 member

  

  August 2013

  I think you should keep your wedding out of it. Quite honestly -- it's irrelevant.  Discuss the friendship.  Her being a bridesmaid will simply go away by ending the friendship.

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• JellyBean52513 member

  

  August 2013 edited August 2013

  OP, if I may give my two cents: I JUST recently went through a friendship-ending situation with my friend, who I've been living with in her grandma's house for the past year and a half. She has been fun, and we've had good times, but in general she is kind of miserable and has spent this entire friendship angry about every little thing that everyone the world does, and she takes it out on me because I happen to be around. She sounds a lot like your friend: dramatic, bitchy, negative, and downright poisonous. 

  
  

  I finally told my friend that I felt the way I did, that I couldn't stand the way she talked to me and got angry at me for ridiculous things.... really dumb things like me taking a wrong turn at a red light... and she. went. off. She started screaming and yelling at me about how much she hates me as a person, she used me for a crutch to get over her failed relationship, that I needed to GTFO of her grandma's house ASAP, and she'll have her nice new car and her loving family and I'll be broke and have no one. It was a new level of temper tantrum that I've never witnessed from an adult before. 
  
  My point is, some people--really, really immature ones--cannot handle being told about themselves. They are control-freaks to the point that if you step out of line and hold them accountable for their actions, they retaliate in the most hurtful way possible. Be prepared for that if you do decide to come clean with your friend. Honestly, I'm glad things went the way they did, because I will never regret walking away from a friend who found it in her to throw my family situation in my face, as if the fact that I have no one to turn to and nowhere to go is somehow my fault. But you may not want things to go down this way. Decide what move is ultimately best, and tread carefully when you communicate your decision to your friend. 
  
  Edited to remove irrelevant background story/threadjacking. I just wanted to give enough context for it to make sense.

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  August 2013

  Jen4948 said:

  scribe95 said:

  So she clearly was a bridesmaid.
  
  And we generally on this forum tell people not to "fire" bridesmaids. She apparently hasn't done anything wrong except being unpleasant. And the OP admits she was this way before. We also tell people repeatedly not to expect a person to be magically different when they are suddenly a bridesmaid.
  
  So, no, I would not kick her out. But if the OP wants to end the friendship then this move will clearly do that. No ifs, ands or buts.
  
  And also to Jen. I am well aware of the recent bans and I take your comment, frankly, to be a threat. I said the move was douchey to fire her. That is not against TOS
  

  Look, I'm not a moderator and don't have the power to ban you.  But I do think, given what the moderators have decided to do, that your hostile attitude that you've been conveying in your posts could be something that they might decide on their own is undesirable and can get you banned.  So whether or not it's against the old, the new, or any TOS, I think it would be in everyone's best interests for you to cut out the snark.  "Douchey" seems to be a word that isn't going over well with the mods of late.
  

  Are you freaking kidding me?  You are trolling, right?
  
  @scribe95 wasn't snarky at all in the tone of her posts, nor was she attacking anyone.  She was simply disagreeing with you. . . and by the way you were wrong.  The OP just clarified that this friend in question is in fact a BM.
  
  You're kinda posting from a high horse, don't you think?
  
  Here's a lovely GIF for everyone, lest they misread the tone of my post and think I'm being too mean:
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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• TKzilla member

  

  August 2013

  

  
  

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• Viczaesar member

  

  August 2013

  @PrettyGirlLost, what the heck is that?  Rainbow unicorn kitty?
  

  
  
  
  

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• jcrmc member

  

  August 2013

  The only posts I hate reading on TK boards are the ones that have nothing to do with the OP, or the topic in general, but rather just people fighting with each other. Wanna fight? Take it to another place - lets keep on topic here.
  
  To respond to the OP in this case:
  
  If you dont want her in your life anymore, dont have her in it. Dont ask her to be a BM, dont tell her she isnt any more (cos you never really asked her). Tell her the truth of your feelings. Tell her you need a break from her drama. Tell her she is bat sh!t crazy and to GTFO of your life.
  
  Just make sure she understands that YOU are doing what YOU need to do to keep YOURSELF in a positive state of mind. Who knows? Maybe after a while she will come around and realise all the stuff shes done, and get her own life together, and then maybe you can reconcile? But that kind of poisonous person is not what anyone needs in their life.
  
  You cant change her life, only yours. The move is up to you   And good luck with it
  

  

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  August 2013

  Viczaesar said:

  @PrettyGirlLost, what the heck is that?  Rainbow unicorn kitty?
  

  @Viczaesar Please don't attack Pusheen!  That is just mean.  He is a lovely kitty who sometimes plays at being a unicorn.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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