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Guest BF definitely NOT invited, but...

NavyWife777NavyWife777
First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I have a single guest whose invitation was invited only to her and her RSVP came today and it says she is bringing a guest. Her BF is a class A douche to her, we don't get along because of it, and her brother, who is a good friend, is coming and will probably beat the hell out of him. She is fully aware of all of this. I have left her a message asking who her guest is. IF it is the BF instead of her daughter, how can I tell her politely that he is in absolutely no way to come to the wedding or he will be escorted off the premises?
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Re: Guest BF definitely NOT invited, but...

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    amorrison340amorrison340 member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    I think if you decide to extend the plus one to her then unfortunately you can't dictate who she brings.  When she calls I would probably just say you're sorry, you can't accommodate additional guests but you really wanted to have her there.  Don't go into why, or offer to let her bring her daughter, even if you like the daughter.  I think it opens it to too many arguments and bad feelings.
    I understand why you didn't want to invite the BF but she probably considers them a social unit and as such should be invited together.  On the other hand you handled it relatively well by just addressing it to her, so I would just stick to her invite and not go into why he is not invited.
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    Blue_BirdBlue_Bird member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2013
    NavyWife777 said:
    I have a single guest whose invitation was invited only to her and her RSVP came today and it says she is bringing a guest. Her BF is a class A douche to her, we don't get along because of it, and her brother, who is a good friend, is coming and will probably beat the hell out of him. She is fully aware of all of this. I have left her a message asking who her guest is. IF it is the BF instead of her daughter, how can I tell her politely that he is in absolutely no way to come to the wedding or he will be escorted off the premises?
    If by "class A douche" you mean he is physically abusive to her, that is about the only time where I'd say you could get away with not inviting him. Other than that (or his having done some grievous harm to you or another loved one), you need to fix your error by calling your "single guest", apologizing, and extending the invitation to both her and her boyfriend. After that,  you, or your FI need to check her brother.
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    simplykaylasimplykayla member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Answer Name Dropper
    JellyBean52513 said:
    Traditional etiquette (like Emily Post) actually states that the only couples that are required to be invited together regardless of personal feelings are married couples. Most new etiquette sources suggest extending that to engaged couples. There is nothing that says her BF has to be allowed to come
    Just because it isn't codified doesn't mean it should be overlooked. Think about it, every husband and every fiance started out as a boyfriend. If anybody tried to deny the OP's former boyfriend (now FI/soon-to-be-husband) an invitation, it probably would have hurt her, too. Etiquette is all about making your guests comfortable, whether the "rules" are from 20 centuries ago or not. OP, I understand your position in wanting to take a stand against the BF's douchey behavior by not allowing him to come to your event, but look at this way: if he's THAT awful to her, imagine the temper tantrum he'll throw if he finds out she was invited to a social event without him. He might take it out on her in some way. Don't give him an excuse to be an asshole to her. Plus, she's an adult and it's her decision to be in that relationship. It's gotta be up to you to do the right thing and be a gracious host.
    This is exactly what I was thinking. If he's already a "class A douche", don't give him another reason to be a dick to her. Because if she goes to the wedding without him, it could very well piss him off and make their situation worse. Or if he's the controlling type, he won't let her go. 
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    vollebellvollebell member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    JellyBean52513 said:
    Think about it, every husband and every fiance started out as a boyfriend. 


    I can't get out of the box this time! I get what your saying, but not every boyfriend becomes a husband. I wasn't allowed to bring my bf to a friend's wedding because she didn't have the room. We had been together a year and a half. I got it. I'm was a guest, not the bride. There were other people there in the same position and we all talked and drank and had a good time.
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    MuppetOverlordMuppetOverlord member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    It sounds like you're inviting other people's SOs, that'd be even more rotten if it's everyone but this friend that has theirs invited.

    Seriously, if you didn't want her boyfriend to come, don't invite her. We have someone who's wife we really dislike and we wish we could invite him only but we have to accept that she's coming if we invite him.

    For my first wedding, we had the same problem with a couple and chose not to invite them as a couple.
    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
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    NavyWife777NavyWife777
    First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Considering my coordinator told me that married, engaged, and long term couples are considered non-singles plus the last time anyone was able to get a hold of her they were not together, it was a bad fallout, and she said she was done, I didn't think I'd HAVE to invite him so yes I only put her name of the invitation as a single because, at the time, she was.  Other singles received invitations addressed only to them then come to find out they've had an SO for awhile that they kept quiet about. If I had known, I wouldn't have invited her.

    To those who pointed out that it would be more ammo for him to use against her, thank you for that perspective. I care about her a lot and want her away from this guy for good but I don't want her hurt more on my account. I honestly hadn't considered that due to my irritation and concern over the situation. If there is a fight, he will be the one to start it, not the brother. He always has to find a way to let her friends and family know that he is the one that she listens to instead of them. I honestly don't care about offending one person to ensure the safety of everyone else who wants to attend a peaceful wedding.

    As I have been creeping these boards, I have to say find it unbelievably ridiculous to say it's okay to omit or un-invite certain family members, or an entire family side because of bad relations and/or concern for the well-being of the other guests yet every one flips shit and thinks I'm crappy because I feel the need to omit an asshole "sometimes" boyfriend for the exact same reasons.

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    Bubbles2014Bubbles2014 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Their relationship is none of your business*, and the must be invited together. The brother will have to get over it. It is a wedding, and everyone should know that it isn't the time or the place to have it out.

    *Unless she is actually being abused. Then I wouldn't invite him and I'd be offering help to get her the hell out of there.

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    NavyWife777NavyWife777
    First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
    @MuppetOverlord....I love your muppets!
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    MuppetOverlordMuppetOverlord member
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    NavyWife777 said:
    @MuppetOverlord....I love your muppets!
    <curtsy>
    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
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    RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    It sounds to me like it's entirely possible that this guy is mentally and/or emotionally abusive to his girlfriend. If it's ok to not invite him if he's physically abusive, wouldn't mental or emotional abuse also fall into this category? It's much harder to 'prove' because it doesn't leave physical evidence, but it's every bit as destructive and soul-crushing as physical abuse.
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    MuppetOverlordMuppetOverlord member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    NavyWife777 said:
    Considering my coordinator told me that married, engaged, and long term couples are considered non-singles plus the last time anyone was able to get a hold of her they were not together, it was a bad fallout, and she said she was done, I didn't think I'd HAVE to invite him so yes I only put her name of the invitation as a single because, at the time, she was.  Other singles received invitations addressed only to them then come to find out they've had an SO for awhile that they kept quiet about. If I had known, I wouldn't have invited her.

    To those who pointed out that it would be more ammo for him to use against her, thank you for that perspective. I care about her a lot and want her away from this guy for good but I don't want her hurt more on my account. I honestly hadn't considered that due to my irritation and concern over the situation. If there is a fight, he will be the one to start it, not the brother. He always has to find a way to let her friends and family know that he is the one that she listens to instead of them. I honestly don't care about offending one person to ensure the safety of everyone else who wants to attend a peaceful wedding.

    As I have been creeping these boards, I have to say find it unbelievably ridiculous to say it's okay to omit or un-invite certain family members, or an entire family side because of bad relations and/or concern for the well-being of the other guests yet every one flips shit and thinks I'm crappy because I feel the need to omit an asshole "sometimes" boyfriend for the exact same reasons.

    Well, if you tell her she can't bring this guy, just keep in mind that you might be ending your friendship.

    I'm not sure what you are referring to in the last paragraph. You can omit people from the guest list if you want. You can't break up SOs without risking offense to the couples. It's never really okay to uninvite anyone, not sure where you've heard that. If you do, you'll be at risk of ending the relationship or causing significant damage to it.
    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
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    Bubbles2014Bubbles2014 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    It is OK to not invite certain family members because they aren't a social unit. I can invite Aunt Mildred and Uncle Bob, but I don't have to invite Aunt Sally and Uncle Simon just because Mildred and Sally are sisters. You do have to invite Mildred and Bob together, because they are a couple and therefore a social unit.

    I think that is what you were referring to.

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    crunchymamaof2 crunchymamaof2 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    NavyWife777 said:
    Considering my coordinator told me that married, engaged, and long term couples are considered non-singles plus the last time anyone was able to get a hold of her they were not together, it was a bad fallout, and she said she was done, I didn't think I'd HAVE to invite him so yes I only put her name of the invitation as a single because, at the time, she was.  Other singles received invitations addressed only to them then come to find out they've had an SO for awhile that they kept quiet about. If I had known, I wouldn't have invited her.

    To those who pointed out that it would be more ammo for him to use against her, thank you for that perspective. I care about her a lot and want her away from this guy for good but I don't want her hurt more on my account. I honestly hadn't considered that due to my irritation and concern over the situation. If there is a fight, he will be the one to start it, not the brother. He always has to find a way to let her friends and family know that he is the one that she listens to instead of them. I honestly don't care about offending one person to ensure the safety of everyone else who wants to attend a peaceful wedding.

    As I have been creeping these boards, I have to say find it unbelievably ridiculous to say it's okay to omit or un-invite certain family members, or an entire family side because of bad relations and/or concern for the well-being of the other guests yet every one flips shit and thinks I'm crappy because I feel the need to omit an asshole "sometimes" boyfriend for the exact same reasons.

    You have a sucky coordinator. If someone identifies themselves as part of a couple then that couple should be invited together. You have no idea if they will end up married or not and its not your place to judge. Just because you were fine with being treated poorly doesn't mean you should follow their lead.

    If she said she was single at the time invites went out then I get why you only addressed the invite to her. If you put "and guest" you don't get to control who she brings. But if they are back together and your headcounts haven't been given you should invite them together. Even if counts have been given inviting them would be the right thing to do. If you don't want him there then neither should be invited.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Just because you feel HE'S a douche does not mean YOU should be a douche and not invite your friend's significant other. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    freebread03freebread03 member
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    NavyWife777 said:
    Considering my coordinator told me that married, engaged, and long term couples are considered non-singles plus the last time anyone was able to get a hold of her they were not together, it was a bad fallout, and she said she was done, I didn't think I'd HAVE to invite him so yes I only put her name of the invitation as a single because, at the time, she was.  Other singles received invitations addressed only to them then come to find out they've had an SO for awhile that they kept quiet about. If I had known, I wouldn't have invited her.

    To those who pointed out that it would be more ammo for him to use against her, thank you for that perspective. I care about her a lot and want her away from this guy for good but I don't want her hurt more on my account. I honestly hadn't considered that due to my irritation and concern over the situation. If there is a fight, he will be the one to start it, not the brother. He always has to find a way to let her friends and family know that he is the one that she listens to instead of them. I honestly don't care about offending one person to ensure the safety of everyone else who wants to attend a peaceful wedding.

    As I have been creeping these boards, I have to say find it unbelievably ridiculous to say it's okay to omit or un-invite certain family members, or an entire family side because of bad relations and/or concern for the well-being of the other guests yet every one flips shit and thinks I'm crappy because I feel the need to omit an asshole "sometimes" boyfriend for the exact same reasons.

    A) nobody ever says its ok to un-invite people-the ONLY time this is ok if someone commits a crime against the bride/groom or other person attending the wedding.  THEN you can uninvite.

    B) I find it kind of ridiculous that it took you didn't know a married/engaged/long-term relationship made someone a "non-single" until your wedding coordinator told you so.
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    BethanyandJacobBethanyandJacob member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Why don't you invite her to lunch/coffee one day and have a chat?

    Be honest, and tell her what you told us. You did not know they were dating at the time you sent the invitation, or else you would have sat down to have this conversation before you sent the invitation.

    Tell her you are very concerned for her and her wellbeing. She- and probably her daughter, especially- are not benefitting from his presence in her life. Bring up specific examples of where you saw him verbally/emotionally abuse her. Ask her if he ever makes her feel unloved or unlovable.

    It will probably be a very difficult conversation, but you should do it.

    And if she defends him, and denies that he's abusive, you should say "okay, let's give him one last chance to prove himself: my wedding. if he treats you well and can get along with the other guests who really love you and care about you, then i will genuinely reconsider my opinion of his treatment to you. but if he treats you or those who love you poorly, will you please reconsider my concern for you?"

    This way, you avoid the faux pas of uninviting half of the "social unit," and can hopefully get her to see how bad he treats her.
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    cheapbrideincentpacheapbrideincentpa
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    vollebell said:
    JellyBean52513 said:
    Think about it, every husband and every fiance started out as a boyfriend. 


    I can't get out of the box this time! I get what your saying, but not every boyfriend becomes a husband. I wasn't allowed to bring my bf to a friend's wedding because she didn't have the room. We had been together a year and a half. I got it. I'm was a guest, not the bride. There were other people there in the same position and we all talked and drank and had a good time.
    I am on your side. The only people you have to invite are the married spouse. Even then, I have been to work weddings where the spouses were not invited.
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    cheapbrideincentpacheapbrideincentpa
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    NYCBruin said:
    cheapbrideincentpa said:
    vollebell said:
    JellyBean52513 said:
    Think about it, every husband and every fiance started out as a boyfriend. 


    I can't get out of the box this time! I get what your saying, but not every boyfriend becomes a husband. I wasn't allowed to bring my bf to a friend's wedding because she didn't have the room. We had been together a year and a half. I got it. I'm was a guest, not the bride. There were other people there in the same position and we all talked and drank and had a good time.
    I am on your side. The only people you have to invite are the married spouse. Even then, I have been to work weddings where the spouses were not invited.
    You must be friends with some super rude people.  How horrid to invite someone to an event that celebrates love and not include the person your guest loves.

    I don't know why people seem to think that if someone finds it rude to be invited without a SO to an event that it means they are incapable of interacting with other people.  FI and I are both very social people who are able to make "single serving friends" pretty much anywhere.  We often attend social functions without each other.  That doesn't mean it isn't horribly rude to invite one of us to a social function without the other.  
    It an event celebrating the love of two specific people, - not every guest.
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    Teddy917Teddy917 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I have been invited to several events for my husband side of the family, even before I married him. I didn't expect to be, but it made me and my husband feel like they cared about us and our relationship. So I really think you should reconsider your SO ban.
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    cheapbrideincentpacheapbrideincentpa
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment

    NYCBruin said:
    cheapbrideincentpa said:
    NYCBruin said:
    cheapbrideincentpa said:
    vollebell said:
    JellyBean52513 said:
    Think about it, every husband and every fiance started out as a boyfriend. 


    I can't get out of the box this time! I get what your saying, but not every boyfriend becomes a husband. I wasn't allowed to bring my bf to a friend's wedding because she didn't have the room. We had been together a year and a half. I got it. I'm was a guest, not the bride. There were other people there in the same position and we all talked and drank and had a good time.
    I am on your side. The only people you have to invite are the married spouse. Even then, I have been to work weddings where the spouses were not invited.
    You must be friends with some super rude people.  How horrid to invite someone to an event that celebrates love and not include the person your guest loves.

    I don't know why people seem to think that if someone finds it rude to be invited without a SO to an event that it means they are incapable of interacting with other people.  FI and I are both very social people who are able to make "single serving friends" pretty much anywhere.  We often attend social functions without each other.  That doesn't mean it isn't horribly rude to invite one of us to a social function without the other.  
    It an event celebrating the love of two specific people, - not every guest.
    If you aren't going to bother caring about the comfort or feelings of your guests, just hire actors to attend your wedding.  They'll do a much better job worshipping you than your friends and family will and you won't offend anyone.

    If you don't respect MY relationship enough to include my FI there is no way in hell I'm going to spend time and money to attend an event to celebrate yours.
    Honestly maybe you are right here, there is no difference in my book between an actor, whom I never met and the SO of a random family member, whom I have also never met.  But you are wrong in that it has to do with being worshiped, its more about not having strangers at your wedding- who really wants a bunch of people they never met before at their wedding.
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