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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Advice Needed! Very small wedding - Informal celebrations at later date

UliGarfieldUliGarfield member
Seventh Anniversary First Comment
edited August 2013 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hello!  We are having a very small ceremony, followed by dinner in December with just our immediate families (parents, siblings and significant others, and grandparents) - 17 people total.  Neither of us wanted a large wedding, and thankfully our immediate families are on-board and supportive.  However, we both have very large families and friend circles that we'd like to have some type of celebration with at later date, and to complicate things my fiancé and I are from different states so we have large numbers of people in two different locations.  We are thinking about doing TWO informal "parties" celebrating our wedding in spring/summer 2014 - one in his home state, and one in mine.  We're thinking the parties will almost be like a graduation party: appetizers/subs, booze, iPod music in the background, and most importantly people mingling and having a great time!  Now the hard part is "announcing" this plan!

How do we tell our non-immediate family and friends that we are getting married, and they will be invited to our celebrations at a later date?    

Also, we live in the Midwest, so ideally we'd like to wait until the ground thaws to have our parties (with the option to have them outside) - which means we're looking into May or June 2014 - up to six months after our actual wedding.  Is this still appropriate for a party to celebrate newlyweds?

Any ideas or advice from those in similar situations would be MUCH appreciated!

Re: Advice Needed! Very small wedding - Informal celebrations at later date

  • Throw a party, but don't make it about your wedding. Don't tell people that they're not invited to your wedding.
  • Don't announce that people aren't invited to your wedding.

    After you are married, send out invitations to your party to celebrate your marriage.  Sounds like you have a nice party planned, just don't do anything "wedding-y" like wear a wedding dress, do a "first dance" or have a "ceremony."
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • Just invite people to a BBQ.
    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
  • Thanks for the advice guys!

    Scribe - sounds like my "wedding" events rubbed you the wrong way. Get a life and maybe consider getting off the etiquette boards for a bit. Seems like you need a break.
  • When I first started planning my wedding, I thought of this too. I thought I was brilliant.

    Then I realized people would be kind of offended to be invited to an "wedding party" months after the wedding, without any invitation to the actual event. I realized it would make me look like I was just fishing for gifts and compliments.

    If you want these people to celebrate your wedding, invite them to your wedding. If you don't think they're that important, then you don't need to throw two parties in multiple states to celebrate with them.

    If you want to have a random, summertime BBQ next year, that's fine. And if someone, at that random BBQ asks to see your wedding pictures, you can show them your album. But trust me, you'll feel silly trying to host wedding events after the wedding is over. 
  • UliGarfieldUliGarfield member
    Seventh Anniversary First Comment
    edited August 2013
    MoonlightSilver - Glad to hear someone had the same "brilliant" idea as I did! Ha. Thank you for your advice and perspective on the situation. I had not even considered getting gifts as we weren't inviting folks to the actual wedding, but I can see how people may feel obliged. Which isn't the point of the parties... Sounds like we have some more thinking to do on this.

    May I ask what you ended up doing? Small wedding and that was that?
  • Friends of ours did this this past year. It was weird at first to not attend their "wedding", esp for my FI who is the groom's closest friend (they only had parents there).

    Pretty much everyone in their social/family circle knew about their small ceremony and were cool with it. They had a party 6 mo later at a bar with a huge backyard/yard games. They made a wedding website/registry because family members were pushing them to register (they really didn't want gifts in the first place as they are having a baby soon).

    They had a small tent, bbq, booze. It was a lot of fun and super casual. The bride/groom wore shorts/t-shirts. There was nothing wedding-y at all about it.  It was like, as you said, a graduation party.

    They did send out post-card like invites with a picture of them on their wedding day.

  • Thanks for the advice guys! Scribe - sounds like my "wedding" events rubbed you the wrong way. Get a life and maybe consider getting off the etiquette boards for a bit. Seems like you need a break.
    Actually it seems like YOU need a reality check. I agree with scribe. You said you don't want a big wedding but then want to have 3 "wedding" parties. It doesn't make sense to me. If you want to celebrate with all these people then have a wedding that they're all invited to. It doesn't have to be a fancy wedding or expensive. I just don't see the point in spending money on extra parties in this situation

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • d2vad2va member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I agree with acove and scribe.

    You saying that you want it small and intimate and then going ahead and having two celebration weddings that you are going to have to host, so think DOUBLE the money is kinda weird. 

    Its almost AWish too, imho.

    I would say save the money by having one wedding, invite who ever you want. For those who cant come, see them whenever and hang out like normal. 
  • If you want your wedding small and intimate, then I have to agree with PPs that it makes more sense to keep it that way and not have so many celebrations.
  • Offering hospitality is generous. You provide food, shelter and entertainment for other people at your cost. You create opportunities for reconnecting and maintaining social relationships among your extended community. I have a hard time seeing how this is selfish or bad -- unless of course you are more focussed on its being "your" day or "your" party than you are focussed on providing your guests with a good time. But a hostess who is more interested in putting herself in the spotlight than in her guests' enjoyment is in the wrong regardless of whether she's doing it on her wedding day or six months later.

    You want to provide a party or two for your extended family and friends? Go for it! One of the big causes of stress (and discord) following a wedding is the changed relationship with your former support structures outside of marriage. You and your husband cannot be all-in-all to one another, and gathering your friends together for a party or two sends them a strong signal that you aren't planning on dropping your pre-marriage friendships in your post-wedding life. For that matter, go on and give parties from time to time in all the years to come. Experience will only make you a better hostess, and there's no time like the present -- or as soon as possible, say, six months from your wedding date -- to start building that experience.
  • ksblumbksblumb member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited August 2013
    I would send out invites that are almost an announcement. Maybe keep them postcard style to keep the casual vibe. I bet if you looked at "at home reception" stationary/invites for destination weddings, you could find a lot of wording ideas and inspiration.

    ETA: For what it's worth, we wanted a small, intimate wedding without all of the hoopla and fuss. We had just under 50 guests and I loved every second of it. No second reception, not even bachelor/bachelorette parties or bridal shower or engagement party. We truly didn't want that so we didn't do it. If you do want it big and are worried about pricing, have one wedding and reception in a style that you can afford. If you really do want it small, don't be pressured by those uninvited to host something else. We had several friends beg us to have a "party" to celebrate and we just didn't want to. Stay true to what you and your FI want and everyone else will come around.
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