Inviting Friends Now that Family Declined

swtaznflor · August 2013

Hi. I had some more friends whom I had originally wanted to invite, but because of family obligations and budget, we could not invite them. Now that more than enough have family have declined, how do I go about inviting the friends? I do not have new invites made for them and the RSVP dates on the original invites have expired. Please help.

Jen4948 · August 2013

You don't. This is called B-listing and it's considered very rude..

If your friends didn't make the original guest list, they're not going to appreciate an invitation this late in the game.

MayDay513 · August 2013

Jen4948 said:

You don't. This is called B-listing and it's considered very rude..

If your friends didn't make the original guest list, they're not going to appreciate an invitation this late in the game.

Ditto

NYCBruin · August 2013

swtaznflor said:

Hi. I had some more friends whom I had originally wanted to invite, but because of family obligations and budget, we could not invite them. Now that more than enough have family have declined, how do I go about inviting the friends? I do not have new invites made for them and the RSVP dates on the original invites have expired. Please help.

Don't invite them. They'll know that they didn't make the cut the first time and it will look like you're inviting them as "place fillers." No one likes being a place filler.

misssunshine17 · August 2013

Ditto PPs. B Listing guests is rude and gives the impression that you don't care about them as much. I understand how hard making the guest list is, but it's a fact of life that not everyone you wish can generally be invited.

libby2483 · August 2013

You don't.

MoonlightSilver · August 2013

You don't invite them.

APDSS22 · August 2013

Unless they were in a coma until yesterday and it's a medical miracle they woke up at all...Do not invite them. (I tried really hard to think of an acceptable reason and that's the only one I came up with.)

STARMOON44 · August 2013

You don't. But if you're going to anyway, I'd do it with one of those singing bear telegram things.

crunchymamaof2 · August 2013

You send them an invitation (or facebook message) saying:

"Hi 2nd place friend, several better than you friends/family have declined our wedding invitations so guess what?! You can come now! We can't let the money we spent on those seats go to waste so you get to fill them for us!

See you then :-)

your super rude b-listing friend"

Or you don't invite them, which is the correct thing to do.

RebeccaB88 · August 2013

Nope, don't invite them. It makes people feel bad to be told they're second stringers.

MuppetOverlord · August 2013

Congratulations - you are under budget! Either you can save the money, or you can invest it somewhere else in the wedding, maybe add some appetizers, increase your beverage offering, buy everyone some Muppet Pez dispensers as an additional favor, add some swans...you can do almost anything with that money without being rude --except invite more people.

To invite more people at this point is like telling them they weren't important enough to be invited, but now that all the important people declined...you're wanted.

here: http://www.blaircandy.com/pez-muppets.html?productid=pez-muppets&channelid=FROOG&utm_source=CSEs&utm_medium=GoogleShopping&utm_campaign=BlairCandy

WinstonsGirl · August 2013

If your RSVP deadline has already passed, shouldn't your wedding be next week or so?? Not only is B listing rude, but you're not giving your friends any time to plan on attending if you did decide to do it

Blue_Bird · August 2013

Unfortunately, it's not appropriate to do what you're asking. However, MuppetFan has a great idea. Use that money somewhere else in the wedding, or even better- save it! Arrange to spend some quality time with your friends after the wedding.

aurianna · August 2013

People understand that weddings are expensive and people understand that family usually comes first. With those two thoughts in mind, while it's disappointing to you and your friends that you couldn't invite them, they should understand.

Inviting guests as people decline is problematic for a few reasons:

1. Your guests don't get as much notice as would be polite. If you are already past your RSVP date than your wedding should really be in 1-4 weeks. That's not a lot of time. A late invite might also indicate to them that they were B-listed, which could greatly offend some people.

2. You might not have appropriately dated invites (you are experiencing this). Giving some guests the pretty, official invites, while other guests get the also-ran, afterthought invites is just one of the many indications to you that you are not treating your guests fairly and equally. Also, as some guests might bring their invites to the event because of the information on them, it's very possible that some guests might notice the difference, realize they are B-listed, and possibly get offended.

3. The family members that decline could possibly change their plans last minute and find out they can attend. If you've already given their seat to someone else... what then?

4. If you have family members who declined and find out you were immediately inviting people in their place, that could make them feel bad. They could feel like they are replaceable, or even that you were hoping they'd decline so you could invite the people you really wanted but couldn't because of some pesky obligation. It's not a good way to make your loved ones feel.

5. Most importantly, while people understand that weddings are expensive and guest lists can be tight and that they can't always be invited... not everyone is going to understand being a second rate guest. Not good enough to be invited in the first place, but perhaps good enough to fill a seat (or a present giving role) when the real guests said no.
I'm sure while some friends would understand and would prefer to come to the wedding as a late invite than not at all, there is no way to guarantee that they all would. There are some people who would be very hurt that they were your second... or third or fourth string choice. People might feel like you care more about filling seats than seeing them, etc. If it's possible that you even make a couple of people feel that way, you just can't risk it yet still be a good hostess... not when there's a chance you'd offend and/or hurt your friends.

Use the extra money to have an even better wedding, save for something fun, or perhaps use it to take you friends out for some fun event somewhere down the line. Good luck!

MuppetOverlord · August 2013

Blue_Bird said:

Unfortunately, it's not appropriate to do what you're asking. However, MuppetFan has a great idea. Use that money somewhere else in the wedding, or even better- save it! Arrange to spend some quality time with your friends after the wedding.

Haha you made me think I was logged in on that.

cmclaire · August 2013

I wouldn't invite people to replace the declines - but then I'm not a B-listing fan.

I'd do something more along @MuppetOverlord's lines and splurge a little more on things - extra apps, better welcome baskets, a treat for FI....or save the cash. Although I have told FI (jokingly) that if we get a tonne of declines I'm getting an owl!

ashleyep · August 2013

I know you shouldn't do it, so this advice is certainly not from an etiquette standpoint, but if you're part of a club or activity where you invited some of the members and not others, I don't think it's a big deal to ask them last minute. I'm on a sports team and when one of the coaches got married he invited a few more people a few weeks before the wedding - they were newish to the team so wouldn't have been part of the guest list the first time around. To them it was an excuse to get dressed up and party with a bunch of their teammates, not a big deal. They also never got a formal invitation, so it's not like the bride & groom were pretending they were invited along with everyone else.

But with friends it's a touchy subject. I'd be upset if I didn't make the cut the first time around and now you're inviting me.

If you're going to do it, tread very, very lightly and think very carefully about how each person will react. I, personally, wouldn't mind if a coworker or club member asked me in person if I was free in a few weeks and wanted to attend. Maybe I would go, maybe I wouldn't, but I wouldn't be offended. If an old friend did it to me, then I'd perhaps be a little more upset that I wasn't good enough to make the cut the first time around.

APDSS22 · August 2013

ashleyep said:

I know you shouldn't do it, so this advice is certainly not from an etiquette standpoint, but if you're part of a club or activity where you invited some of the members and not others, I don't think it's a big deal to ask them last minute. I'm on a sports team and when one of the coaches got married he invited a few more people a few weeks before the wedding - they were newish to the team so wouldn't have been part of the guest list the first time around. To them it was an excuse to get dressed up and party with a bunch of their teammates, not a big deal. They also never got a formal invitation, so it's not like the bride & groom were pretending they were invited along with everyone else.

But with friends it's a touchy subject. I'd be upset if I didn't make the cut the first time around and now you're inviting me.

If you're going to do it, tread very, very lightly and think very carefully about how each person will react. I, personally, wouldn't mind if a coworker or club member asked me in person if I was free in a few weeks and wanted to attend. Maybe I would go, maybe I wouldn't, but I wouldn't be offended. If an old friend did it to me, then I'd perhaps be a little more upset that I wasn't good enough to make the cut the first time around.

Wait, did we leave the Etiquette board suddenly? *checks, still on Etiquette board*. Huh?

MuppetOverlord · August 2013

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

ashleyep said:

I know you shouldn't do it, so this advice is certainly not from an etiquette standpoint, but if you're part of a club or activity where you invited some of the members and not others, I don't think it's a big deal to ask them last minute. I'm on a sports team and when one of the coaches got married he invited a few more people a few weeks before the wedding - they were newish to the team so wouldn't have been part of the guest list the first time around. To them it was an excuse to get dressed up and party with a bunch of their teammates, not a big deal. They also never got a formal invitation, so it's not like the bride & groom were pretending they were invited along with everyone else.

But with friends it's a touchy subject. I'd be upset if I didn't make the cut the first time around and now you're inviting me.

If you're going to do it, tread very, very lightly and think very carefully about how each person will react. I, personally, wouldn't mind if a coworker or club member asked me in person if I was free in a few weeks and wanted to attend. Maybe I would go, maybe I wouldn't, but I wouldn't be offended. If an old friend did it to me, then I'd perhaps be a little more upset that I wasn't good enough to make the cut the first time around.

Wait, did we leave the Etiquette board suddenly? *checks, still on Etiquette board*. Huh?

Etiquette board doesn't mean that OP isn't going to do this anyway and that there's no place for perspective to reduce rudeness.

ashleyep · August 2013

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

ashleyep said:

I know you shouldn't do it, so this advice is certainly not from an etiquette standpoint, but if you're part of a club or activity where you invited some of the members and not others, I don't think it's a big deal to ask them last minute. I'm on a sports team and when one of the coaches got married he invited a few more people a few weeks before the wedding - they were newish to the team so wouldn't have been part of the guest list the first time around. To them it was an excuse to get dressed up and party with a bunch of their teammates, not a big deal. They also never got a formal invitation, so it's not like the bride & groom were pretending they were invited along with everyone else.

But with friends it's a touchy subject. I'd be upset if I didn't make the cut the first time around and now you're inviting me.

If you're going to do it, tread very, very lightly and think very carefully about how each person will react. I, personally, wouldn't mind if a coworker or club member asked me in person if I was free in a few weeks and wanted to attend. Maybe I would go, maybe I wouldn't, but I wouldn't be offended. If an old friend did it to me, then I'd perhaps be a little more upset that I wasn't good enough to make the cut the first time around.

Wait, did we leave the Etiquette board suddenly? *checks, still on Etiquette board*. Huh?

Since we were on the etiquette board, I prefaced my comment by saying that it's not correct from an etiquette standpoint. But if you do it on a person by person basis and you know they're not going to be offended (which is the whole point of etiquette) then I don't see why you can't do it.

As a general rule (which again, is what etiquette is) then no you shouldn't do it.

APDSS22 · August 2013

So in this super-special-specific instance that you mentioned, where etiquette was not followed, not one single person felt bad because of the super-specific instance involved that had nothing to do with the OP? I question merely why you even brought this up in an etiquette post since you know it didn't follow proper etiquette.

You can't possibly know what would or would not offend a person. Just because they don't say it to your face does not mean they are completely okay with it. The point of etiquette is to see to the comfort of your guests. That includes possibly offending them by B-listing them, as PP have mentioned.

ashleyep · August 2013

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

So in this super-special-specific instance that you mentioned, where etiquette was not followed, not one single person felt bad because of the super-specific instance involved that had nothing to do with the OP? I question merely why you even brought this up in an etiquette post since you know it didn't follow proper etiquette.

You can't possibly know what would or would not offend a person. Just because they don't say it to your face does not mean they are completely okay with it. The point of etiquette is to see to the comfort of your guests. That includes possibly offending them by B-listing them, as PP have mentioned.

As far as I know, they asked two people a few weeks before the wedding. Basically a text message "hey, want to come to our party" type of thing. A good half of the team was already going, so no they weren't offended. They were happy to go.

As long as you're not trying to pass off your opinion as etiquette - which I didn't - then I don't see the issue with sharing it. If the OP is going to B-list guests - which she may decide to do regardless of what we post, then the best she can do is mitigate the risk of offending someone, which is basically the advice I gave. Yes, it is generally considered rude, but as with all etiquette, not everyone will be offended, and if you are going to do it, be careful.

As we constantly say here - anyone is allowed to post their opinion. You can't police what others say.

lynnz52 · August 2013

I sent out my long-distance invites first, and in-town invites later. Some of my friends knew there was a chance that they wouldn't make the list due to space, and our huge families. It wasn't because they were B-class, just that our venue only hold a certain amount, and we didn't want to over-book. I just told everyone that our guest list hasn't been finalized. You can tier your invites without anyone knowing they were on the "B-list". At least my friends are understanding, and are exctied that I got a chance to invite them. A lot of them are getting married and going through the same thing. I wouldn't be offended if I found out I was on their B-list. My opinion is that if friends are going to get bent out of shape about it, they aren't worth the invite.

I know it's not etiquette, but my friends know how much I care about them, and how much I would do whatever I could to get them on the list. Now family on the other hand.. in my situation, they would be the ones to get upset about invites. We had to do no-children just due to seating compacity and I think it will cause more issues than the B-list friends.

P.S. I have been invited to many receptions and not the ceremony/dinner, and I had a great time, and was never offended. I was honored just to be apart of any amount of their special day.

aurianna · August 2013

lynnz52 said:

I sent out my long-distance invites first, and in-town invites later. Some of my friends knew there was a chance that they wouldn't make the list due to space, and our huge families. It wasn't because they were B-class, just that our venue only hold a certain amount, and we didn't want to over-book. I just told everyone that our guest list hasn't been finalized. You can tier your invites without anyone knowing they were on the "B-list". At least my friends are understanding, and are exctied that I got a chance to invite them. A lot of them are getting married and going through the same thing. I wouldn't be offended if I found out I was on their B-list. My opinion is that if friends are going to get bent out of shape about it, they aren't worth the invite.

I know it's not etiquette, but my friends know how much I care about them, and how much I would do whatever I could to get them on the list. Now family on the other hand.. in my situation, they would be the ones to get upset about invites. We had to do no-children just due to seating compacity and I think it will cause more issues than the B-list friends.

P.S. I have been invited to many receptions and not the ceremony/dinner, and I had a great time, and was never offended. I was honored just to be apart of any amount of their special day.

That's great that you had these things happen to you and weren't offended. You have thick skin. Gratz. But just because they didn't bother you doesn't mean it wasn't still horribly rude. (personally I think tiered receptions are even more rude than B-listing).
Getting invited to just the dance part isn't an "honor" just because you get to be a part of their "special day." What the bride and groom is telling you:

"We decided it was more important to spend our money on our wedding 'vision' (dress, decor, location, etc) than to pick venues that could both hold and feed all of our guests. But you should totally come after we've finished feeding all of our real guests to look at me in my pretty wedding dress. Don't feel required to bring a gift but here's my registry and the gift table is over there *wink wink nudge nudge*."

When it all comes down to it, if it's super important to a bride and groom that their friends are at their wedding, they should pick a venue that can hold their whole guest list to start. If you're a friend who gets a B-list invite it means that it really didn't matter to the bride and groom that they couldn't invite you. If great aunt Mildred had said yes, then you would have been out in the cold.

So no... getting a B-list invite does not mean that your friends really wanted you there. It means that they planned their budget poorly or placed higher value on having certain things at their wedding rather than certain people.

If a bride and groom want to have a gorgeous, fancy, intimate wedding with family and not invite me, that's fine.
If a bride and groom don't want an intimate wedding, but placed gorgeous and fancy OVER inviting friends in the first place, and as a friend I only get invited because second cousin Bertha said 'no', I wouldn't be pleased.

ETA:
And don't kid yourself. Some people are always going to figure out they were B-listed. In fact, it's the people who know the most about etiquette and are likely to be the most offended-- they will likely pick up on it from the invitation and RSVP dates alone. And if they don't... word travels fast, no matter how sealed off you think the circles are that you are inviting. It just takes one cousin to post on your FB wall "Got your wedding invite! Can't wait to come!" to tell the world.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

aurianna said:

lynnz52 said:

I sent out my long-distance invites first, and in-town invites later. Some of my friends knew there was a chance that they wouldn't make the list due to space, and our huge families. It wasn't because they were B-class, just that our venue only hold a certain amount, and we didn't want to over-book. I just told everyone that our guest list hasn't been finalized. You can tier your invites without anyone knowing they were on the "B-list". At least my friends are understanding, and are exctied that I got a chance to invite them. A lot of them are getting married and going through the same thing. I wouldn't be offended if I found out I was on their B-list. My opinion is that if friends are going to get bent out of shape about it, they aren't worth the invite.

I know it's not etiquette, but my friends know how much I care about them, and how much I would do whatever I could to get them on the list. Now family on the other hand.. in my situation, they would be the ones to get upset about invites. We had to do no-children just due to seating compacity and I think it will cause more issues than the B-list friends.

P.S. I have been invited to many receptions and not the ceremony/dinner, and I had a great time, and was never offended. I was honored just to be apart of any amount of their special day.

That's great that you had these things happen to you and weren't offended. You have thick skin. Gratz. But just because they didn't bother you doesn't mean it wasn't still horribly rude. (personally I think tiered receptions are even more rude than B-listing).
Getting invited to just the dance part isn't an "honor" just because you get to be a part of their "special day." What the bride and groom is telling you:

"We decided it was more important to spend our money on our wedding 'vision' (dress, decor, location, etc) than to pick venues that could both hold and feed all of our guests. But you should totally come after we've finished feeding all of our real guests to look at me in my pretty wedding dress. Don't feel required to bring a gift but here's my registry and the gift table is over there *wink wink nudge nudge*."

When it all comes down to it, if it's super important to a bride and groom that their friends are at their wedding, they should pick a venue that can hold their whole guest list to start. If you're a friend who gets a B-list invite it means that it really didn't matter to the bride and groom that they couldn't invite you. If great aunt Mildred had said yes, then you would have been out in the cold.

So no... getting a B-list invite does not mean that your friends really wanted you there. It means that they planned their budget poorly or placed higher value on having certain things at their wedding rather than certain people.

If a bride and groom want to have a gorgeous, fancy, intimate wedding with family and not invite me, that's fine.
If a bride and groom don't want an intimate wedding, but placed gorgeous and fancy OVER inviting friends in the first place, and as a friend I only get invited because second cousin Bertha said 'no', I wouldn't be pleased.

^This.

OP and to anyone lurking, what lynnz52 described is not only B-listing but a tiered reception, and within the US it is considered rude. It's against etiquette. Please don't consider this as an option when planning your reception. . . plan to host everyone properly and equally.

TheBaysideBride · August 2013

Friends who want to be there will be excited to be invited. If you do have a few who didn't make the first round, talk to them individually and just say you would love for them to be there. I'd limit it to a handful of people, max.

Our wedding was three weeks ago and honestly, I'm glad that there were times that I didn't follow etiquette to the tee. You know your friends better than strangers on a chat board and if you think they'll be excited to come and not be sensitive about the timing, go for it.

I think "experience" advice can be as useful as opining on traditional etiquette....

APDSS22 · August 2013

ashleyep said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

So in this super-special-specific instance that you mentioned, where etiquette was not followed, not one single person felt bad because of the super-specific instance involved that had nothing to do with the OP? I question merely why you even brought this up in an etiquette post since you know it didn't follow proper etiquette.

You can't possibly know what would or would not offend a person. Just because they don't say it to your face does not mean they are completely okay with it. The point of etiquette is to see to the comfort of your guests. That includes possibly offending them by B-listing them, as PP have mentioned.

As far as I know, they asked two people a few weeks before the wedding. Basically a text message "hey, want to come to our party" type of thing. A good half of the team was already going, so no they weren't offended. They were happy to go.

As long as you're not trying to pass off your opinion as etiquette - which I didn't - then I don't see the issue with sharing it. If the OP is going to B-list guests - which she may decide to do regardless of what we post, then the best she can do is mitigate the risk of offending someone, which is basically the advice I gave. Yes, it is generally considered rude, but as with all etiquette, not everyone will be offended, and if you are going to do it, be careful.

As we constantly say here - anyone is allowed to post their opinion. You can't police what others say.

I agree. You absolutely cannot police what others say. I merely questioned your ethics in posting advice that did not follow etiquette on an etiquette board. As well as the PP above, who said they knew it was against etiquette, BUT...and was promptly responded to in a similar fashion. When someone asks for advice on the etiquette board, they are looking for etiquette-appropriate ways to do something. If they weren't, they'd post on one of the other boards.

As with all etiquette...if you choose to ignore it, you place your guests as lower priority than yourself. It may not offend anyone, but etiquette dictates that you take into consideration that it could very well offend one of your guests. The polite person would go with etiquette. OP may decide to B-list. We can't stop her. We can only tell her it's not a good idea and might offend her guests. Perhaps she will listen, change her mind, and be a good hostess. Maybe she won't. That's her call.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

TheBaysideBride said:

Friends who want to be there will be excited to be invited. If you do have a few who didn't make the first round, talk to them individually and just say you would love for them to be there. I'd limit it to a handful of people, max.
Our wedding was three weeks ago and honestly, I'm glad that there were times that I didn't follow etiquette to the tee. You know your friends better than strangers on a chat board and if you think they'll be excited to come and not be sensitive about the timing, go for it.
I think "experience" advice can be as useful as opining on traditional etiquette....

And they also might be very offended that they didn't make the 1st cut. . . which is why Etiquette-wise, B-Listing and tiered receptions are frowned upon. They are rude and they risk hurting and offending people.

Again, this is an etiquette board. The entire point of this board is for people to learn what is and is not correct etiquette.

ashleyep · August 2013

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

ashleyep said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

So in this super-special-specific instance that you mentioned, where etiquette was not followed, not one single person felt bad because of the super-specific instance involved that had nothing to do with the OP? I question merely why you even brought this up in an etiquette post since you know it didn't follow proper etiquette.

You can't possibly know what would or would not offend a person. Just because they don't say it to your face does not mean they are completely okay with it. The point of etiquette is to see to the comfort of your guests. That includes possibly offending them by B-listing them, as PP have mentioned.

As far as I know, they asked two people a few weeks before the wedding. Basically a text message "hey, want to come to our party" type of thing. A good half of the team was already going, so no they weren't offended. They were happy to go.

As long as you're not trying to pass off your opinion as etiquette - which I didn't - then I don't see the issue with sharing it. If the OP is going to B-list guests - which she may decide to do regardless of what we post, then the best she can do is mitigate the risk of offending someone, which is basically the advice I gave. Yes, it is generally considered rude, but as with all etiquette, not everyone will be offended, and if you are going to do it, be careful.

As we constantly say here - anyone is allowed to post their opinion. You can't police what others say.

I agree. You absolutely cannot police what others say. I merely questioned your ethics in posting advice that did not follow etiquette on an etiquette board. As well as the PP above, who said they knew it was against etiquette, BUT...and was promptly responded to in a similar fashion. When someone asks for advice on the etiquette board, they are looking for etiquette-appropriate ways to do something. If they weren't, they'd post on one of the other boards.

As with all etiquette...if you choose to ignore it, you place your guests as lower priority than yourself. It may not offend anyone, but etiquette dictates that you take into consideration that it could very well offend one of your guests. The polite person would go with etiquette. OP may decide to B-list. We can't stop her. We can only tell her it's not a good idea and might offend her guests. Perhaps she will listen, change her mind, and be a good hostess. Maybe she won't. That's her call.

You questioned my ethics? My ETHICS? Seriously? I'm not new here. I don't need to be told off for sharing my opinion - especially when I prefaced it by saying it's not the correct etiquette answer.

People post on this board because it's the most active. Look at how many posts in it are labeled with NER or NWR.

The answer had already been given, she didn't need yet another post telling her to not do it. I merely suggested that it's less offensive to do it to certain groups of guests (ie people you don't really call "friends" - like coworkers, or club members) than others.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

ashleyep said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:
As with all etiquette...if you choose to ignore it, you place your guests as lower priority than yourself. It may not offend anyone, but etiquette dictates that you take into consideration that it could very well offend one of your guests. The polite person would go with etiquette. OP may decide to B-list. We can't stop her. We can only tell her it's not a good idea and might offend her guests. Perhaps she will listen, change her mind, and be a good hostess. Maybe she won't. That's her call.

You questioned my ethics? My ETHICS? Seriously?

People post on this board because it's the most active - how many NER posts in this board are there? A lot.

The answer had already been given, she didn't need yet another post telling her to not do it. I merely suggested that it's less offensive to do it to certain groups of guests (ie people you don't really call "friends" - like coworkers, or club members) than others.

Except that impolite behavior is impolite, no matter who you do it to.

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