Inviting Friends Now that Family Declined

aurianna · August 2013

TheBaysideBride said:

Friends who want to be there will be excited to be invited. If you do have a few who didn't make the first round, talk to them individually and just say you would love for them to be there. I'd limit it to a handful of people, max.
Our wedding was three weeks ago and honestly, I'm glad that there were times that I didn't follow etiquette to the tee. You know your friends better than strangers on a chat board and if you think they'll be excited to come and not be sensitive about the timing, go for it.
I think "experience" advice can be as useful as opining on traditional etiquette....

I will say that if one were going to B-list, this would be a better way to do it than to send out a whole second round of invites. Know the individuals.

Of course that still doesn't mean it's proper etiquette. I'm still very anti B-listing.

I was very lucky; my mother paid for my entire wedding and still gave us 90% of the headcount to invite as we pleased. And with that we were able to invite almost everyone we wanted to. There was a handful of people (mostly co-workers) though that we weren't able to invite but would have had we had the space. But we decided not to B-list even though in the end we did have room for 5 more couples.

A big part of the reason is from the answers to these questions I asked myself:
Can I think of people who I didn't feel my relationship was close enough to invite them the first time through, yet they would feel like our relationship was close enough that they'd overlook the etiquette slight? Can I think of people whose presence I didn't feel was mandatory to make my wedding special (and therefore didn't invite the first time), yet who in turn would think my wedding was soooo special that they'd be excited over a last minute invite no matter what?
(The answers were no)

I had a very nice wedding but it was nothing to write home about. Before hand, only my family and [just some] of my very closest friends were excited about my wedding.

I had no delusions in my case that any invitation, let alone a last minute one, to my wedding would make anyone super excited or feel "special." I wasn't going to cross the etiquette line on that one.

aurianna · August 2013

la la la la la!

TheBaysideBride · August 2013

Well, in my case I called a woman who I did not invite bc I was not comfortable w/ her friendship w/ FI. Months into our engagement I realized I was being petty and was wrong, and my choice was either follow etiquette (and not invite her) or be a grown up, admit my mistake and invite her. I called her myself, explained that it was a huge oversight, that her friendship meant a great deal to FI, and she was really, really touched. And now she and her FI are going on vacation w/ us at Christmas as well. it might have been "against etiquette" (and not calling would have been much easier!) but it was the right thing to do.

ashleyep · August 2013

TheBaysideBride said:

Well, in my case I called a woman who I did not invite bc I was not comfortable w/ her friendship w/ FI. Months into our engagement I realized I was being petty and was wrong, and my choice was either follow etiquette (and not invite her) or be a grown up, admit my mistake and invite her. I called her myself, explained that it was a huge oversight, that her friendship meant a great deal to FI, and she was really, really touched. And now she and her FI are going on vacation w/ us at Christmas as well. it might have been "against etiquette" (and not calling would have been much easier!) but it was the right thing to do.

That's not a b-list though. You didn't invite her only because others declined.

ashleyep · August 2013

aurianna said:

TheBaysideBride said:

Friends who want to be there will be excited to be invited. If you do have a few who didn't make the first round, talk to them individually and just say you would love for them to be there. I'd limit it to a handful of people, max.
Our wedding was three weeks ago and honestly, I'm glad that there were times that I didn't follow etiquette to the tee. You know your friends better than strangers on a chat board and if you think they'll be excited to come and not be sensitive about the timing, go for it.
I think "experience" advice can be as useful as opining on traditional etiquette....

I will say that if one were going to B-list, this would be a better way to do it than to send out a whole second round of invites. Know the individuals.

Of course that still doesn't mean it's proper etiquette. I'm still very anti B-listing.

I was very lucky; my mother paid for my entire wedding and still gave us 90% of the headcount to invite as we pleased. And with that we were able to invite almost everyone we wanted to. There was a handful of people (mostly co-workers) though that we weren't able to invite but would have had we had the space. But we decided not to B-list even though in the end we did have room for 5 more couples.

A big part of the reason is from the answers to these questions I asked myself:
Can I think of people who I didn't feel my relationship was close enough to invite them the first time through, yet they would feel like our relationship was close enough that they'd overlook the etiquette slight? Can I think of people whose presence I didn't feel was mandatory to make my wedding special (and therefore didn't invite the first time), yet who in turn would think my wedding was soooo special that they'd be excited over a last minute invite no matter what?
(The answers were no)

I had a very nice wedding but it was nothing to write home about. Before hand, only my family and [just some] of my very closest friends were excited about my wedding.

I had no delusions in my case that any invitation, let alone a last minute one, to my wedding would make anyone super excited or feel "special." I wasn't going to cross the etiquette line on that one.

This makes sense and I guess is more along the lines of what I was thinking. I can see why you would feel that. I don't feel "special" when I get invited to a wedding regardless, so I guess I wouldn't feel special (or not-special) if a coworker invited me at the last minute to their wedding. I can see why I wouldn't have made the cut the first time around, and wouldn't feel slighted at the last minute.

But your thought process makes sense.

APDSS22 · August 2013

PrettyGirlLost said:

ashleyep said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:
As with all etiquette...if you choose to ignore it, you place your guests as lower priority than yourself. It may not offend anyone, but etiquette dictates that you take into consideration that it could very well offend one of your guests. The polite person would go with etiquette. OP may decide to B-list. We can't stop her. We can only tell her it's not a good idea and might offend her guests. Perhaps she will listen, change her mind, and be a good hostess. Maybe she won't. That's her call.

You questioned my ethics? My ETHICS? Seriously?

People post on this board because it's the most active - how many NER posts in this board are there? A lot.

The answer had already been given, she didn't need yet another post telling her to not do it. I merely suggested that it's less offensive to do it to certain groups of guests (ie people you don't really call "friends" - like coworkers, or club members) than others.

Except that impolite behavior is impolite, no matter who you do it to.

100% This.

MuppetOverlord · August 2013

TheBaysideBride said:

Friends who want to be there will be excited to be invited. If you do have a few who didn't make the first round, talk to them individually and just say you would love for them to be there. I'd limit it to a handful of people, max.
Our wedding was three weeks ago and honestly, I'm glad that there were times that I didn't follow etiquette to the tee. You know your friends better than strangers on a chat board and if you think they'll be excited to come and not be sensitive about the timing, go for it.
I think "experience" advice can be as useful as opining on traditional etiquette....

I don't think people know their friends the way they think they do. If someone does something rude to me, I still judge them for it and think about it. I'm just typically more polite than that person was to me and I bite my tongue.

I personally think I should have a medal for the wedding I just put up with and all the rude things that I accepted and made no mention of to the bride and groom. We weren't excited to be part of their special day. We simply stayed because the guy's in our wedding party. Everyone else we know didn't show up for the wedding or RSVP'd no ---they were definitely not excited to be invited.

What they don't realize is that every.single.person in the room that did attend...either did so out of obligation or for the free meal and talked about how rude and tacky the entire event was, the entire night, and any time they have been mentioned over the past month and a half. I currently loathe these people now. How they treated their guests and their wedding party over one day, permanently ruined their relationships with those people.

Etiquette sure does matter.You're kidding yourself if you think otherwise. Sure, people won't notice that you're breaking etiquette simply because they are used to it or they'd do the same thing. It doesn't mean that you're in the right for it or that you're not offending people by it.

phira · August 2013

aurianna said:

TheBaysideBride said:

Friends who want to be there will be excited to be invited. If you do have a few who didn't make the first round, talk to them individually and just say you would love for them to be there. I'd limit it to a handful of people, max.
Our wedding was three weeks ago and honestly, I'm glad that there were times that I didn't follow etiquette to the tee. You know your friends better than strangers on a chat board and if you think they'll be excited to come and not be sensitive about the timing, go for it.
I think "experience" advice can be as useful as opining on traditional etiquette....

I will say that if one were going to B-list, this would be a better way to do it than to send out a whole second round of invites. Know the individuals.

Of course that still doesn't mean it's proper etiquette. I'm still very anti B-listing.

I was very lucky; my mother paid for my entire wedding and still gave us 90% of the headcount to invite as we pleased. And with that we were able to invite almost everyone we wanted to. There was a handful of people (mostly co-workers) though that we weren't able to invite but would have had we had the space. But we decided not to B-list even though in the end we did have room for 5 more couples.

A big part of the reason is from the answers to these questions I asked myself:
Can I think of people who I didn't feel my relationship was close enough to invite them the first time through, yet they would feel like our relationship was close enough that they'd overlook the etiquette slight? Can I think of people whose presence I didn't feel was mandatory to make my wedding special (and therefore didn't invite the first time), yet who in turn would think my wedding was soooo special that they'd be excited over a last minute invite no matter what?
(The answers were no)

I had a very nice wedding but it was nothing to write home about. Before hand, only my family and [just some] of my very closest friends were excited about my wedding.

I had no delusions in my case that any invitation, let alone a last minute one, to my wedding would make anyone super excited or feel "special." I wasn't going to cross the etiquette line on that one.

(emphasis mine)

THIS THIS THIS. Anyone who MIGHT not be offended about being B-listed is someone I would have on the A-list anyway.

Blue_Bird · August 2013

MuppetOverlord said:

Blue_Bird said:

Unfortunately, it's not appropriate to do what you're asking. However, MuppetFan has a great idea. Use that money somewhere else in the wedding, or even better- save it! Arrange to spend some quality time with your friends after the wedding.

Haha you made me think I was logged in on that.

OMG, I just realized I did that, lol! 1000 apologies, your Muppetness!

lynnz52 · August 2013

Wow, aren't we making a lot of assumptions, and thinking the worst of people? I just shared my situation with the person asking the question. I didn't post the question and don't really care what someone who does even know me, or my situation, thinks about my decisions.

My key phrases being "I know it's not etiquette.." "in my situation.." "My opinion is.." Everyone's situation is different. And in my situation, it's not about budget, it's about a reception hall that was within close location of our church, and one that was available. We pretty much got the biggest venue that was close to the church. With just parents/grand(6), siblings(10), aunt/uncles(64), first cousins(70+), and wedding party only, we are sitting close to 200 people.

And these friends that I'm inviting.. I have been to multiple reception-only weddings with them (by no means extravagant ones) where all of us were not offended that we weren't invited to the ceremony. These friends are close enough to me where I know how they feel, but I couldn't tell my fiance to remove his family from list to invite my friends, no matter how close they are. My friends know that I wouldn't try do anything to hurt them, or offended them. I am not worried what-so-ever. I have asked some of them, and got laughter from them saying "you couldn't offend someone if you tried. Stop worrying so much and do what you want to do, it's your wedding!"

Now, if you tend to be a rude person in general, I guess maybe you should stick to the strict etiquette.

Moral of the story, each situation is different. Now clearly knowing what the etiquette is, use your best judgement and make your informed decision. And it's your wedding, not a message board user's that you don't even know, and won't be invited to your wedding.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

lynnz52 said:

Wow, aren't we making a lot of assumptions, and thinking the worst of people? I just shared my situation with the person asking the question. I didn't post the question and don't really care what someone who does even know me, or my situation, thinks about my decisions.
Actually we aren't making assumptions, we are making judgements based on what proper etiquette dictates as this is the Etiquette board.
And these friends that I'm inviting.. I have been to multiple reception-only weddings with them (by no means extravagant ones) where all of us were not offended that we weren't invited to the ceremony.
I honestly don't get this. . . if everyone is so close, then why don't you all make the cut and get invited to the ceremonies? That's the important part of the wedding day anyways, and it is by far the cheaper part.
Now, if you tend to be a rude person in general, I guess maybe you should stick to the strict etiquette.
You stick to etiquette so that you don't become/behave like a rude person. Etiquette is for everyone.
Moral of the story, each situation is different. Now clearly knowing what the etiquette is, use your best judgement and make your informed decision. And it's your wedding, not a message board user's that you don't even know, and won't be invited to your wedding.
It ceases to be your wedding as soon as you invite guests to attend it. The entire point of the reception is to receive your guests and thank them for witnessing and supporting your union. The reception is really not about you- the ceremony was. Hence the emphasis of this board to properly host your guests!

Blue_Bird · August 2013

Now, if you tend to be a rude person in general, I guess maybe you should stick to the strict etiquette.

Now this is certainly the most rational advice I've ever read on any etiquette forum anywhere, ever.

lynnz52 · August 2013

I'm taking it that you meant irrational, since you all think I'm the most horribly rude person in the world. What that means is: if your friends know you, they know you would only go against etiquette if you had to. And they know you would invite them if they could. So you guys are saying I should ask my Fiance to remove his family, so I can invite my friends? That's a rhetorical question.
And again, this reception hall was largest available on the date our church was available. Our church is over a year wait listed.

I honestly don't get this. . . if everyone is so close, then why don't you all make the cut and get invited to the ceremonies? That's the important part of the wedding day anyways, and it is by far the cheaper part.

Are you saying invite them to the church and not reception? So have them come to the ceremony but not buy them dinner? I wouldn't think that is an option.

I said I know that it's isn't etiquette. It wasn't like it was an easy decision to make. Besides, most of them don't know since I did out of town guests at 4 months and all in-town guests at 2.5 months. So the final decision was made at 3 months.

I know that this is the etiquette boards, but the person did not ask if it was etiquette. She asked "how do I go about inviting the friends?" And her question isn't being answered.

Actually we aren't making assumptions..

There was a post that said putting people on a B-List is just like saying you chose a fancy dress instead of them. Budget isn't a issue in our case, fire code is.

Feel free to disagree, think I'm rude, I'm only trying to answer the question that was asked. I personally don't really need a response since I've already made my informed decision to not go by etiquette because it wasn't practical. You can address the person that asked the question and tell her not to listen to me. I just felt that I needed to explain myself after all the backlash. But at this point, my friends, fiance, and families opinions mean more to me.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

lynnz52 said:

I'm taking it that you meant irrational, since you all think I'm the most horribly rude person in the world. What that means is: if your friends know you, they know you would only go against etiquette if you had to. And they know you would invite them if they could. So you guys are saying I should ask my Fiance to remove his family, so I can invite my friends? That's a rhetorical question.
And again, this reception hall was largest available on the date our church was available. Our church is over a year wait listed.

Speaking for myself only, no, I do not mean that you are irrational. I never stated that you personally were rude or horrible, either. What I said was that the concept you mentioned, a tiered reception, is rude according to etiquette. And this holds true no matter what the individual circumstances are.

My suggestion to you, rather than having a tiered reception, would be to find a reception venue that you can afford that can hold all of the people that you wish to invite to your wedding. You mentioned that you booked the biggest venue you could with close proximity to your church. . . but is there another, bigger venue within a short drive away? If not, or if you cannot afford it, then I would only invite people to the reception that you invited to the ceremony. So if that means family only, then that;s it. Does it suck that your friends are left out? Yes, but etiquette wise it is not rude.

I honestly don't get this. . . if everyone is so close, then why don't you all make the cut and get invited to the ceremonies? That's the important part of the wedding day anyways, and it is by far the cheaper part.

Are you saying invite them to the church and not reception? So have them come to the ceremony but not buy them dinner? I wouldn't think that is an option.

No, what I'm saying is that is doesn't make sense to me for a Bride to not invite those who she claims are her closest friends to her wedding ceremony, which is the most important part of the day, but instead invite them only to the reception. To my mind, that would mean you (in the general sense) aren't really all that close with the couple.

I said I know that it's isn't etiquette. It wasn't like it was an easy decision to make. Besides, most of them don't know since I did out of town guests at 4 months and all in-town guests at 2.5 months. So the final decision was made at 3 months.

You might think that people didn't know, but some inevitably know they were B-listed. People talk.

I know that this is the etiquette boards, but the person did not ask if it was etiquette. She asked "how do I go about inviting the friends?" And her question isn't being answered.

Riiiiiight. But she asked "How do I do this thing that is considered rude by etiquette standards" on an Etiquette board! Can you see why we aren't answering her question, and instead are trying to educate her on why her idea is considered rude? No on here is going to give Brides ideas or suggestions on how to do things that are against etiquette.

Actually we aren't making assumptions..

There was a post that said putting people on a B-List is just like saying you chose a fancy dress instead of them. Budget isn't a issue in our case, fire code is.

I have a hard cap on guests because of fire code too. So FI and I have a list of 200 ppl max that we are going to invite, and once those invites go out that's it. No matter how many declines we get, we aren't going to invite additional people because that is considered rude. We will either be under budget or we will upgrade food/alcohol options.

Feel free to disagree, think I'm rude, I'm only trying to answer the question that was asked. I personally don't really need a response since I've already made my informed decision to not go by etiquette because it wasn't practical. You can address the person that asked the question and tell her not to listen to me. I just felt that I needed to explain myself after all the backlash. But at this point, my friends, fiance, and families opinions mean more to me.

lynnz52 · August 2013

You are bringing up some great points. There's a lot I had to take into consideration before we made this decision. Not getting married in our church really wasn't an option. Our first choice of reception site was not available on the date. This reception hall fit like 4000 people. It was a little too far for my liking, since a lot of guests are flying in, and might not have cars. The one we chose wasn't my first or second or third choice.

Second, we both have huge families. Both sides, plus our parents have 9+ brothers and sisters too (plus their spouses, and all of our first cousins). If we were able to invite everyone we wanted, it would be over 500 people. We cut, then we cut more (my fiance was not happy with this at all). We cut kids, cut our parents friends, cut neighbors, cut coworkers. Essentially, the only friends on the original list were the ones in the wedding party only. Since we didn't decide on the final in-town guest list until 3 months, not even my parents know who who was on the B-list. You're right I don't like the phrase "B-list". I just used that because everyone else was. It was more like.. people invited at 3 months or not. And 3 months is not 2 weeks.

All I'm trying to say is, the etiquette has been made clear. It is not proper etiquette to invite people after the declines come in, I get it. But there are situations that etiquette isn't followed, but their heart is still in the right place. Family and close friends will understand this.

MuppetOverlord · August 2013

Blue_Bird said:

Blue_Bird said:

Unfortunately, it's not appropriate to do what you're asking. However, MuppetFan has a great idea. Use that money somewhere else in the wedding, or even better- save it! Arrange to spend some quality time with your friends after the wedding.

Haha you made me think I was logged in on that.
OMG, I just realized I did that, lol! 1000 apologies, your Muppetness!

No worries. I set them up with the same signature in case my browser logs me as one or the other. I happen to be using my wedding tools a lot right now....so...you get me. Feel free to call me that though, has a nice ring to it.

Simply Fated · August 2013

This is mostly general "you" and not really anyone specific....
I agree with pp. If you're soooo close to them that they would understand your circumstances, then why didn't they make the first round of invites to begin with? I understand if you both have large families, but my closest friends are like family and, in some cases, more like family to me than my blood relatives. They would not have been cut just because we aren't blood related. But that's just me. So, the question remains, if they're so close that they would understand, probably more so than your actual relatives, then why were they cut instead of those you aren't as close to?

crunchymamaof2 · August 2013

lynnz52 said:

You are bringing up some great points. There's a lot I had to take into consideration before we made this decision. Not getting married in our church really wasn't an option. Our first choice of reception site was not available on the date. This reception hall fit like 4000 people. It was a little too far for my liking, since a lot of guests are flying in, and might not have cars. The one we chose wasn't my first or second or third choice.

Second, we both have huge families. Both sides, plus our parents have 9+ brothers and sisters too (plus their spouses, and all of our first cousins). If we were able to invite everyone we wanted, it would be over 500 people. We cut, then we cut more (my fiance was not happy with this at all). We cut kids, cut our parents friends, cut neighbors, cut coworkers. Essentially, the only friends on the original list were the ones in the wedding party only. Since we didn't decide on the final in-town guest list until 3 months, not even my parents know who who was on the B-list. You're right I don't like the phrase "B-list". I just used that because everyone else was. It was more like.. people invited at 3 months or not. And 3 months is not 2 weeks.

All I'm trying to say is, the etiquette has been made clear. It is not proper etiquette to invite people after the declines come in, I get it. But there are situations that etiquette isn't followed, but their heart is still in the right place. Family and close friends will understand this.

what happens if someone told you no at 4 months out, but at 1.5monthsout plans changed and they called you and said "Guess what? We actually can make it to the wedding! We can't wait!" Which would normally be great, but you already gave their seats away so there isn't room for them. How would you explain that? They were invited...uninviting them now would be rude. And you also can't uninvited the b listed friends. So now you'd be stuck with more people than your venue can hold or you have to be rude (again) to one of the couples.

As for the bolded, if there was a venue that could hold everyone why didn't you choose it then? You could have hired a shuttle service to bring everyone from the church to reception. You already said budget wasn't the issue so this would have been a great alternative.

lynnz52 · August 2013

Totally off topic now, so I apologize. This will be my last response, I promise. So cutting relatives.. and by relatives, we're not talking extended relatives. If we had decided to cut family, we are talking first cousins; that would have been the next cut. Maybe cut the ones I've never met? The ones my fiance hasn't seen in years? That seems logical.

It's a good thing we didn't, because it's my fiance's Uncle and Aunt's 50th wedding anniversary that day. We have cousins (that I've never met) flying in from across country just to attend their parents or Aunt/Uncles wedding anniversary. If they came across country, to find out that their brothers/sisters and other first cousins were invited to the wedding and they were not, we'd be in worse shape than we are now.

Woops, I don't know why I bolded the venue part, that was an accident. That would have been lovely to have that venue. In addition to in being a little far, the wedding date was also not available. We really tried to make it work with them, being that large, it's an event venue, not just a wedding venue so it just didn't work out. As for other large venues, some of the larger event venues hold weekends for organizations that have had events in previous years, and won't give them up, because obviously conventions and fairs bring in more money than weddings. I was pretty disappointed.

What happens if someone told you no at 4 months out, but at 1.5monthsout plans changed and they called you and said "Guess what? We actually can make it to the wedding! We can't wait!"

We are leaving 10 empty spots for people that come who didn't RSVP. Hopefully there isn't more than 10 that do that! You're right, then we'd be screwed. But I'm gambling on the fact that their won't be more than 10.

Again, sorry about all the long-story off-topic posts. It worked out for the best, we had enough room at 3 months to invite the small amount of friends that were close, got them out with enough time for RSVPs. I guess we'll find out at or after the wedding we don't have friends anymore. At least we'll have family...

Simply Fated · August 2013

The burden of inviting these people shouldn't have been yours. That really sucks. It's hard to find a good date, but this date caused you to not be able to fit in your friends. That REALLY sucks.

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