Guest BF definitely NOT invited, but...

Maggie0829 · August 2013

@MandyMost - if any of my guests had started a new relationship prior to the RSVP date, even if the invites had gone out I would have made room in my budget for their new SO. But that is just me. I would prefer my guests to be as comfortable as possible and to enjoy their evening with a partner if they so choose to.

I do think, etiquette wise, that not allowing a SO or +1 or whatever after the invites have been sent is perfectly acceptable.

msdds51 · August 2013

I'm not saying anyone's relationship is less serious. I don't even know you. But that is what traditional "etiquette" states and this is the "etiquette board". Feel free to do whatever you want at your wedding, but for people who don't have the budget to DOUBLE their guest list, they don't HAVE to. I am inviting people in SERIOUS relationships to have their Sig Other at my wedding, but I didn't have to based on ETTIQUETTE!

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

I know this is redundant but I want clarification. All single guests should be invited with a plus one, even if you they don't have a SO?

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

GypsyBridetobe said:

I know this is redundant but I want clarification. All single guests should be invited with a plus one, even if you they don't have a SO?

No. From an etiquette stand point you do not have to give truly single guests a +1/guest. It's a nice courtesy if you can afford it, have the space, etc. But it is by no means necessary.

From an etiquette stand point, all quests who are in a relationship should be invited with their significant other, and that SO should be listed by name on the invitation.

Some posters here and a lot more on Webbing Bee and Wedding Wire will trot out antiquated statements from the Emily Post Institute and other out-dated sources that claim only couples that are married, engaged, or living together should be extended invites as a couple.

Frankly, that's hogwash if you use your brain and common courtesy.

MuppetOverlord · August 2013

kss20 said:

I'm not saying anyone's relationship is less serious. I don't even know you. But that is what traditional "etiquette" states and this is the "etiquette board". Feel free to do whatever you want at your wedding, but for people who don't have the budget to DOUBLE their guest list, they don't HAVE to. I am inviting people in SERIOUS relationships to have their Sig Other at my wedding, but I didn't have to based on ETTIQUETTE!

But you are. You feel you have the ability to decide the seriousness of someone's relationship for them. It's offensive. You should be considering modern etiquette.

You don't DOUBLE the guest list. You cut it down to what you can afford. You don't have to invite everyone you know. But you should be a proper host.

Think of it this way, one rule of thumb is that you should host people the way you would in your home. If you had a dinner, would you seriously only invite your friend, less her boyfriend because he doesn't fit your criteria?

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

Thank you.

NYCBruin · August 2013

kss20 said:

I'm not saying anyone's relationship is less serious. I don't even know you. But that is what traditional "etiquette" states and this is the "etiquette board". Feel free to do whatever you want at your wedding, but for people who don't have the budget to DOUBLE their guest list, they don't HAVE to. I am inviting people in SERIOUS relationships to have their Sig Other at my wedding, but I didn't have to based on ETTIQUETTE!

How do you define "serious"? I'd be pretty pissed off if my friend invited me to a wedding sans SO because they decided that my relationship wasn't "serious."

And sure, you can quote Emily Post etiquette, but that rule was written when there wasn't really such thing as "dating."

Etiquette is really about being considerate to your guests. It's considerate to include their SO. No one is going to feel better about you dissing their relationship by not inviting their SO just because a book written almost 100 years ago said it was "ok" for you to do so.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

GypsyBridetobe said:

Thank you.

You're welcome :-)

Maggie0829 · August 2013

@kss20 - but what are you considering "serious"? If I was going out for a guy for 3 months is that serious or not? If I was going out with someone for 6 months, is that serious or not? Where do you draw the line? The answer is, you can't.

For example, my parents were together 6 months before getting engaged. At the 5 month mark I can guarantee they thought themselves in a serious relationship but you may not feel the same way and would then proceed to only invite my Mom to your wedding and not my Dad. But as soon as the 6th month hit and there is a ring on my Mom's finger then there relationship, in your eyes, became serious because of a piece of jewelry. Only a month difference yet you or anyone who has the same thought process of you would think of them as much more serious. Well what about another couple that wasn't engaged at 6 months? They would have been together as long as my parents so what would make their relationship any less serious then my parents? I find it silly that a piece of jewelry is being used as a way for you to decide on the seriousness of a relationship.

Teddy917 · August 2013

I knew a couple that met and a week later got married. Believe it or not they've been married over 20 years.

BMoreBride6 · August 2013

My FI's cousin got married 6 months after MEETING a girl...they were engaged after 4 months...so at 3month 2 weeks were they not serious enough?

NYCBruin · August 2013

Teddy917 said:

I knew a couple that met and a week later got married. Believe it or not they've been married over 20 years.

These types of situations are precisely why I insist on inviting all SOs. I would hate to look back twenty years from now and think that the couple we still see all the time wasn't invited to our wedding because they weren't together "long enough." This of course assumes they would still want to be around us after our rudeness.

MuppetOverlord · August 2013

Teddy917 said:

I knew a couple that met and a week later got married. Believe it or not they've been married over 20 years.

My friend's bridesmaid got drunk at a bar one night, met a guy and married him (same night). The next day, they decided they would not anull. That was 12 years and 2 kids ago. They're happy.

I was with my last boyfriend for 2 years. We didn't live together. We were discussing marriage.

One of my closest friends has been with a girl for 3 years. They do not live together. They are not serious in such a way that they are discussing marriage, but they love each other and are not seeing other people.

I guess my point is that everyone's different and no one has the right to make a judgment call on the level of seriousness that any relationship is at.

Simply Fated · August 2013

I just don't understand these made-up rules. Like, "long-term is when they have been together for at least a year." Well, what if they break up on the 367th day? Or what if your wedding is on their 363rd day of their relationship? NOW WHAT?
Or what about couples that have to live long distance for work or school. The fact that they are able to maintain a long distance relationship should speak volumes about their commitment to each other. But, nope. Not as valid as the couple that moves in together after dating a week. Not that a week isn't long enough, I'm just saying... how does someone else that's not in the relationship properly judge the seriousness of someone else's relationship?

delujm0 · August 2013

We could go on and on for days criticizing people who think that because they're engaged now, they have the right to determine the status of other people's personal relationships. I swear, some people immediately think that because they are engaged, they are suddenly better than every not engaged or married person around them. I suspect that most of these people are basically still children. At least i hope that a mature adult wouldn't act like this. I guess that's not actually always the case.

Look, of course there are situations where you might slip up here. I have some cousins that i'm not sure if they're in relationships or not. If i extended them an RSVP without a guest, and then i found out that they had a SO, i would obviously allow them to bring that person if they wanted to. Most of them would probably pass, honestly, since they will have to travel a good distance for the wedding, but it's not my job to decide that for them. A few extra guests isn't going to break the bank. And if you're in a situation where less than a dozen extra people attending would completely destroy your budget, you are terrible at budgeting.

I think the real problem with the OP's post is that she KNOWS FOR CERTAIN that her friend has a SO, and she intentionally didn't invite him because she doesn't like him. That is ridiculous, and if i was your friend i wouldn't come to the wedding or send a gift. But that's probably because i'm ok with ending friendships with people who don't respect me or my personal decisions. Is having to be in the same room with this SO for roughly 5 hours worth ending your friendship? I hope not, because if so you are a terrible friend.

Simply Fated · August 2013

delujm0 said:

We could go on and on for days criticizing people who think that because they're engaged now, they have the right to determine the status of other people's personal relationships. I swear, some people immediately think that because they are engaged, they are suddenly better than every not engaged or married person around them. I suspect that most of these people are basically still children. At least i hope that a mature adult wouldn't act like this. I guess that's not actually always the case.

Look, of course there are situations where you might slip up here. I have some cousins that i'm not sure if they're in relationships or not. If i extended them an RSVP without a guest, and then i found out that they had a SO, i would obviously allow them to bring that person if they wanted to. Most of them would probably pass, honestly, since they will have to travel a good distance for the wedding, but it's not my job to decide that for them. A few extra guests isn't going to break the bank. And if you're in a situation where less than a dozen extra people attending would completely destroy your budget, you are terrible at budgeting.

I think the real problem with the OP's post is that she KNOWS FOR CERTAIN that her friend has a SO, and she intentionally didn't invite him because she doesn't like him. That is ridiculous, and if i was your friend i wouldn't come to the wedding or send a gift. But that's probably because i'm ok with ending friendships with people who don't respect me or my personal decisions. Is having to be in the same room with this SO for roughly 5 hours worth ending your friendship? I hope not, because if so you are a terrible friend.

Your entitre post is great, but that first paragraph was amazing great. That's kinda how I felt hearing my friend make up her guest list for her wedding. She said she didn't want ohhh what was that term? Flavors of the month? Something like that. And all I could think of was how her relationship with her fiance was when they first started dating. It just made her seem so hypocritical to me.

phira · August 2013

Simply Fated said:

delujm0 said:

We could go on and on for days criticizing people who think that because they're engaged now, they have the right to determine the status of other people's personal relationships. I swear, some people immediately think that because they are engaged, they are suddenly better than every not engaged or married person around them. I suspect that most of these people are basically still children. At least i hope that a mature adult wouldn't act like this. I guess that's not actually always the case.

Look, of course there are situations where you might slip up here. I have some cousins that i'm not sure if they're in relationships or not. If i extended them an RSVP without a guest, and then i found out that they had a SO, i would obviously allow them to bring that person if they wanted to. Most of them would probably pass, honestly, since they will have to travel a good distance for the wedding, but it's not my job to decide that for them. A few extra guests isn't going to break the bank. And if you're in a situation where less than a dozen extra people attending would completely destroy your budget, you are terrible at budgeting.

I think the real problem with the OP's post is that she KNOWS FOR CERTAIN that her friend has a SO, and she intentionally didn't invite him because she doesn't like him. That is ridiculous, and if i was your friend i wouldn't come to the wedding or send a gift. But that's probably because i'm ok with ending friendships with people who don't respect me or my personal decisions. Is having to be in the same room with this SO for roughly 5 hours worth ending your friendship? I hope not, because if so you are a terrible friend.

Your entitre post is great, but that first paragraph was amazing great. That's kinda how I felt hearing my friend make up her guest list for her wedding. She said she didn't want ohhh what was that term? Flavors of the month? Something like that. And all I could think of was how her relationship with her fiance was when they first started dating. It just made her seem so hypocritical to me.

Absolutely agreed--that's a great first paragraph.

There's no test that people have to take to demonstrate that they're mature enough for some "adult" milestones, like marriage, buying a house, having kids .... Getting engaged and married doesn't turn your relationship into something MORE valid than it was previously, or better/more valid than anyone else's. It just means you're entering a legal, cultural, and/or religious commitment, and possibly planning on throwing a huge party, too.

Dreamergirl8812 · August 2013

Simply Fated said:

delujm0 said:

We could go on and on for days criticizing people who think that because they're engaged now, they have the right to determine the status of other people's personal relationships. I swear, some people immediately think that because they are engaged, they are suddenly better than every not engaged or married person around them. I suspect that most of these people are basically still children. At least i hope that a mature adult wouldn't act like this. I guess that's not actually always the case.

Look, of course there are situations where you might slip up here. I have some cousins that i'm not sure if they're in relationships or not. If i extended them an RSVP without a guest, and then i found out that they had a SO, i would obviously allow them to bring that person if they wanted to. Most of them would probably pass, honestly, since they will have to travel a good distance for the wedding, but it's not my job to decide that for them. A few extra guests isn't going to break the bank. And if you're in a situation where less than a dozen extra people attending would completely destroy your budget, you are terrible at budgeting.

I think the real problem with the OP's post is that she KNOWS FOR CERTAIN that her friend has a SO, and she intentionally didn't invite him because she doesn't like him. That is ridiculous, and if i was your friend i wouldn't come to the wedding or send a gift. But that's probably because i'm ok with ending friendships with people who don't respect me or my personal decisions. Is having to be in the same room with this SO for roughly 5 hours worth ending your friendship? I hope not, because if so you are a terrible friend.

Your entitre post is great, but that first paragraph was amazing great. That's kinda how I felt hearing my friend make up her guest list for her wedding. She said she didn't want ohhh what was that term? Flavors of the month? Something like that. And all I could think of was how her relationship with her fiance was when they first started dating. It just made her seem so hypocritical to me.

My friend invited her ex-boyfriend to her wedding but didn't invite the girlfriends of him or any of his friends. I didn't know what to say. I just think my eyes bugged a little. Then she said she knows it's etiquette to invite SOs "but that's changing."

NavyWife777 · August 2013

SO sorry for disappearing! Can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want to come back to such stimulating conversation. Good God I have so much to answer and clarify here because some people can't read what I wrote and assumed I did/said/meant something when I wrote the complete fucking opposite.

1) Plus 1's were not given out to anyone. Period. Budget would not allow it. People that I THOUGHT were single had ONLY THEIR NAME written on the inner envelope. I did look that up.

2) To me, a "relationship" in which they are broken up every other week is like a couple of 13 year olds is not a "serious" relationship. This is exactly what her "relationship" is. They pretty much fuck, fight, break up, make up and then do it all over again. Anything besides this is a steady relationship to me. If I knew they had an SO of any type, SO was invited. If I found out afterward there is and has been an SO for awhile, a +1 was extended.

3) At the time invites RSVP's were sent out I DID NOT KNOW if they were back together or not and considering the details from their last break-up a month ago, I didn't think they would get back together ever again so I sent the invite to HER. I DID NOT intentionally not invite her SO.

4) I have asked her who she is inviting and she said either the asshat or her daughter, she's "not sure" which means she doesn't know if they will be together at the time of the wedding or not, so she just gave herself a +1 just in case.

5) I hinted that her daughter may have more fun but told her that either way she chose, I had her down for 2. If he comes and starts something with the brother, I have several police officer friends that will be happy to kick his ass out.

Did I miss anything?

APDSS22 · August 2013

I am glad you have a security plan, that will make your guests more comfortable if he attends and tries to start a fight.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

NavyWife777 said:

SO sorry for disappearing! Can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want to come back to such stimulating conversation. Good God I have so much to answer and clarify here because some people can't read what I wrote and assumed I did/said/meant something when I wrote the complete fucking opposite.

1) Plus 1's were not given out to anyone. Period. Budget would not allow it. People that I THOUGHT were single had ONLY THEIR NAME written on the inner envelope. I did look that up.

2) To me, a "relationship" in which they are broken up every other week is like a couple of 13 year olds is not a "serious" relationship. This is exactly what her "relationship" is. They pretty much fuck, fight, break up, make up and then do it all over again. Anything besides this is a steady relationship to me. If I knew they had an SO of any type, SO was invited. If I found out afterward there is and has been an SO for awhile, a +1 was extended.

3) At the time invites RSVP's were sent out I DID NOT KNOW if they were back together or not and considering the details from their last break-up a month ago, I didn't think they would get back together ever again so I sent the invite to HER. I DID NOT intentionally not invite her SO.

4) I have asked her who she is inviting and she said either the asshat or her daughter, she's "not sure" which means she doesn't know if they will be together at the time of the wedding or not, so she just gave herself a +1 just in case.

5) I hinted that her daughter may have more fun but told her that either way she chose, I had her down for 2. If he comes and starts something with the brother, I have several police officer friends that will be happy to kick his ass out.

Did I miss anything?

Not even to people who have SO's? Or you just didn't for single guests?

NYCBruin · August 2013

PrettyGirlLost said:

NavyWife777 said:

SO sorry for disappearing! Can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want to come back to such stimulating conversation. Good God I have so much to answer and clarify here because some people can't read what I wrote and assumed I did/said/meant something when I wrote the complete fucking opposite.

1) Plus 1's were not given out to anyone. Period. Budget would not allow it. People that I THOUGHT were single had ONLY THEIR NAME written on the inner envelope. I did look that up.

2) To me, a "relationship" in which they are broken up every other week is like a couple of 13 year olds is not a "serious" relationship. This is exactly what her "relationship" is. They pretty much fuck, fight, break up, make up and then do it all over again. Anything besides this is a steady relationship to me. If I knew they had an SO of any type, SO was invited. If I found out afterward there is and has been an SO for awhile, a +1 was extended.

3) At the time invites RSVP's were sent out I DID NOT KNOW if they were back together or not and considering the details from their last break-up a month ago, I didn't think they would get back together ever again so I sent the invite to HER. I DID NOT intentionally not invite her SO.

4) I have asked her who she is inviting and she said either the asshat or her daughter, she's "not sure" which means she doesn't know if they will be together at the time of the wedding or not, so she just gave herself a +1 just in case.

5) I hinted that her daughter may have more fun but told her that either way she chose, I had her down for 2. If he comes and starts something with the brother, I have several police officer friends that will be happy to kick his ass out.

Did I miss anything?

Not even to people who have SO's? Or you just didn't for single guests?

I read this as she invited all SOs she knew about (by name, like you should do), but didn't give single guests plus 1s.

NavyWife777 · August 2013

@PrettyGirlLost Single guests. My mistake. If they had known SO's, they were invited by adding them to the inner envelope.

NavyWife777 · August 2013

@NYCBruin you would be correct

NavyWife777 · August 2013

So it seems I can't do anything right according to you. Oh well. I'm past caring. If one of the singles tacks on a +1 I'm not going to care about that either because a) there aren't many singles to begin with because of how old FH and I are so b) with the people who have declined the invitation, if the few singles that are left do bring a guest, it will even out.

RedJacks25 · August 2013

I moved in with FI a month after we started dating. Honestly, I had no idea if we would work out or not at that point, but I was just enjoying the ride. Good to know that even though I didn't really consider the relationship very serious, someone else would have considered it super serious just because we lived together.

MuppetOverlord · August 2013

RedJacks25 said:

I moved in with FI a month after we started dating. Honestly, I had no idea if we would work out or not at that point, but I was just enjoying the ride. Good to know that even though I didn't really consider the relationship very serious, someone else would have considered it super serious just because we lived together.

And I moved in with mine within the month and we were VERY serious. The point is that the host isn't qualified to judge the seriousness or quality of your relationship.

MuppetOverlord · August 2013

NavyWife777 said:

So it seems I can't do anything right according to you. Oh well. I'm past caring. If one of the singles tacks on a +1 I'm not going to care about that either because a) there aren't many singles to begin with because of how old FH and I are so b) with the people who have declined the invitation, if the few singles that are left do bring a guest, it will even out.

If you invited SOs by name, you were fine.

The only faux pas was that you didn't contact the singles (like the one mentioned in OP) to find out if they were with someone. I only had 3 singles and I asked them all in conversation if they were dating someone. One was, the others weren't.

So I guess what's the harm in calling her?

RedJacks25 · August 2013

MuppetOverlord said:

RedJacks25 said:

I moved in with FI a month after we started dating. Honestly, I had no idea if we would work out or not at that point, but I was just enjoying the ride. Good to know that even though I didn't really consider the relationship very serious, someone else would have considered it super serious just because we lived together.

And I moved in with mine within the month and we were VERY serious. The point is that the host isn't qualified to judge the seriousness or quality of your relationship.

I know, that was my point. Someone else could arbitrarily consider my relationship serious even though I didn't.

MuppetOverlord · August 2013

RedJacks25 said:

I know, that was my point. Someone else could arbitrarily consider my relationship serious even though I didn't.

Nope. By inviting your boyfriend, they aren't necessarily making a judgement at all. They are giving *you* the respect of letting you decide whether your SO is important enough for you to bring him.

Guest BF definitely NOT invited, but...

Re: Guest BF definitely NOT invited, but...

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