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Congratulations Message From Unwanted Guest

muenginerdmuenginerd member
5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
edited August 2013 in Wedding Etiquette Forum

So I was just wondering what the Etiquette behind this might be...

MOH's mother is awful.  She is crazy and goes to the ends of the earth to try and seperate my MOH from her Husband.  This is a woman I grew up with as a large part of my life, but as the years have gone on she has just gotten worse and worse.  It's to the point that no one has a relationship with her anymore.  She was nasty during my MOH's wedding and tried to ruin the day.  The relationship is very strained and my Dad has made it a point to protect the MOH he doesn't want the mother at my wedding (everyone agrees with this).  We know the mother will start going after the MOH at some point during the day. 

I get a call (went to VM, didn't take the call) today from the Mother congratulating me on the engagement and wanting to send a gift.  She was calling to confirm my address.  She asked me to call back and she wanted to talk details about the wedding.  I haven't talked to this woman in almost 2 years.  I really don't want to return a call to talk wedding details to an event I have no intention of inviting her to. 

So what is the right thing to do here?  I am thinking I return the call tonight, keep it very short confirming the address and quick catch-up, keep wedding talk as limited as possible.  We accept the gift when it come and I send a nice thank you note.  We leave it at that.  Right? 

Re: Congratulations Message From Unwanted Guest

  • MayDay513MayDay513 member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    edited August 2013

    So I was just wondering what the Etiquette behind this might be...

    MOH's mother is awful.  She is crazy and goes to the ends of the earth to try and seperate my MOH from her Husband.  This is a woman I grew up with as a large part of my life, but as the years have gone on she has just gotten worse and worse.  It's to the point that no one has a relationship with her anymore.  She was nasty during my MOH's wedding and tried to ruin the day.  The relationship is very strained and my Dad has made it a point to protect the MOH he doesn't want the mother at my wedding (everyone agree's with this).  We know the mother will start going after the MOH at some point during the day. 

    I get a call (went to VM, didn't take the call) today from the Mother congratulating me on the engagement and wanting to send a gift.  She was calling to confirm my address.  She asked me to call back and she wanted to talk details about the wedding.  I haven't talked to this woman in almost 2 years.  I really don't want to return a call to talk wedding details to an event I have no intention of inviting her to. 

    So what is the right thing to do here?  I am thinking I return the call tonight, keep it very short confirming the address and quick catch-up, keep wedding talk as limited as possible.  We accept the gift when it come and I send a nice thank you note.  We leave it at that.  Right? 

    I don't know the etiquette for this.

    Personally, I would not return the call. I would ignore it. I would not return her call, I wouldn't want to talk to her about wedding details, nor would I want to confirm my address with her, because I would rather not receive a gift from her. I mean if it shows up on your doorstep yes write a thank you card. But what if you could avoid that completely?
  • dont call her back. dont accept a gift dont talk anything about your wedding with her. if you do, she will be expected to attend your pre wedding parties and your wedding and she will think you like her.
  • Do not open this Pandora's Box.  She is obviously fishing for information you will regret giving her later on.  She's likely trying to get information from you because she can't get it from your MOH.
  • There's nothing wrong with calling her back to say hello and provide your address if she asks on the call, but you're under no obligation to talk about the wedding. If asked, you could just simply say "we're very excited, but we haven't gotten around to working out anything just yet. It was so thoughtful for you to think of us during this exciting time!" and leave it at that.

    There's nothing wrong with people being congratulatory regardless of the time it has been since you last interacted. I wouldn't ignore her, especially if she hasn't wronged you. Just also make sure that your MOH isn't sharing any details either (which by the sound of it, she wouldn't) that would further complicate things.

  • I also would not return the call, and I would continue to screen the calls. She sounds like a real winner. Good luck!
  • LakeR2014LakeR2014 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    edited August 2013
    I agree with @southernbelle0915, do not return the call you are not obligated to. Especially if you have not talked to her in two years, she's a troll to your best friend/MOH, and you have no intention of talking to her/inviting her to the wedding.

    Should you receive a present on your doorstep.  Kindly thank her for it.  Don't mention the wedding, the engagement, anything - just express thanks for the gift.

    My grandmother IS this woman - and trust me you do not want to get involved in that it wouldn't turn out well for you or your MOH.  
  • I wouldn't return the call either.  She's trying to bribe you into giving her information.  


    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • Sounds like she is baiting you.  She probably wants to send a present with the thinking that it will get her an invitation to the wedding.
  • Like PP, I wouldn't return this call.
  • There's nothing wrong with calling her back to say hello and provide your address if she asks on the call, but you're under no obligation to talk about the wedding. If asked, you could just simply say "we're very excited, but we haven't gotten around to working out anything just yet. It was so thoughtful for you to think of us during this exciting time!" and leave it at that.

    There's nothing wrong with people being congratulatory regardless of the time it has been since you last interacted. I wouldn't ignore her, especially if she hasn't wronged you. Just also make sure that your MOH isn't sharing any details either (which by the sound of it, she wouldn't) that would further complicate things.


    This is exactly what I'd tell you. 
    image
  • If you have no plans on potentially patching things up in the future (sounds like you wouldn't have a reason to), then there's no point in playing nice now.

    Even if you DO feel compelled to call/text the mom back...I would definitely alert your MOH to it first...you wouldn't want MOH (your good friend) to find out offhandedly that you've played nice with her craycray mom who causes her nothing but misery.

  • Don't engage her, don't return the call.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Can you return the call to her VM, like when she's at work or church, and say thanks for the well wishes but we don't need anything?
  • Does your MOH talk to her?  curious.
    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
  • huynhette said:

    So I was just wondering what the Etiquette behind this might be...

    MOH's mother is awful.  She is crazy and goes to the ends of the earth to try and seperate my MOH from her Husband.  This is a woman I grew up with as a large part of my life, but as the years have gone on she has just gotten worse and worse.  It's to the point that no one has a relationship with her anymore.  She was nasty during my MOH's wedding and tried to ruin the day.  The relationship is very strained and my Dad has made it a point to protect the MOH he doesn't want the mother at my wedding (everyone agree's with this).  We know the mother will start going after the MOH at some point during the day. 

    I get a call (went to VM, didn't take the call) today from the Mother congratulating me on the engagement and wanting to send a gift.  She was calling to confirm my address.  She asked me to call back and she wanted to talk details about the wedding.  I haven't talked to this woman in almost 2 years.  I really don't want to return a call to talk wedding details to an event I have no intention of inviting her to. 

    So what is the right thing to do here?  I am thinking I return the call tonight, keep it very short confirming the address and quick catch-up, keep wedding talk as limited as possible.  We accept the gift when it come and I send a nice thank you note.  We leave it at that.  Right? 

    I don't know the etiquette for this.

    Personally, I would not return the call. I would ignore it. I would not return her call, I wouldn't want to talk to her about wedding details, nor would I want to confirm my address with her, because I would rather not receive a gift from her. I mean if it shows up on your doorstep yes write a thank you card. But what if you could avoid that completely?
    This.  I would not call her back.  If you get a gift, fine, send a note, but don't engage with this woman.  No good will come of it.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I would call her back, but make your MOH aware of the situation before doing so. I just feel like there is no harm in calling her back to say thank you for the well wishes and than hang up. If anything, you can try to call during a time you know she won't pick up so it would go straight to her voicemail. 

    From what I read, it seems like she hasn't done anything to you, but has caused trouble to other people. I just think her being rude to OTHER people doesn't make it ok for you to be rude to her. But people not returning phone calls is a MAJOR pet peeve of mine so that could be influencing my perspective. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Don't feed the cray-cray. I wouldn't.
  • Don't call her back. 
                       
  • Agree, don't call her back.  Her intentions are most likely selfish and have an ulterior motive.  Delete and forget it.  She is baiting you.
  • Ignore the call.  Don't engage her.
  • Don't feed the trolls (it applies to real life too).
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    Anniversary
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  • So I haven't called her back yet, I plan to call her back just to confirm the address.

    I talked to MOH and turns out she ran into her mom on mom's birthday.  Her husband mentioned something about the wedding in passing so then of course her mom went nuts about it.
    The cliff notes, she was upset she wasn't invited to the engagement party, she insisted she was throwing me a shower even though it was made clear my family is already covering the showers, and my favorite... she said she just has to be invited to the wedding.  Told my MOH she didn't really care about her wedding, but it's my wedding, she just has to go to my wedding.  Based on that alone she won't be going to my wedding...

    Thanks for all the input.
  • If you call to give that woman your address so that she can send you a gift, when you have no intention of inviting her to your wedding, what is she going to think? That you think you just wanted the gift, but didn't think she was good enough to invite to your wedding. 

    Or, she's trying to bait you, so she can give you a piece of her mind. If all she wanted was your address, she could have gotten it from her daughter. Or she could send the gift to your parents house. Call her, if you want drama.


                       
  • I would not engage - she sounds like a real piece of work!

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • And what are you going to do when she goes on and on about how she is good enough for a gift but not good enough to be invited ?  No good can come from receiving a gift from her, so just let it be.

    Yes, I understand it is rude to not call her back, but I think it is the lesser of two evils.  She is obviously trying to manipulate you.  Besides, if she really wants your address, she will find a way to get it. 

  • I don't think it's rude to not return her phone call. You don't have a relationship with this woman, you don't want a relationship with this woman. If you call her back you are opening the floodgates for her to keep calling and trying to be a part of your wedding. 

    If this woman is as horrible as you say she is, I wouldn't want a gift from her. 
    image
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