How do I convince the mother-in-law?

she22ybe22y · August 2013

My FMIL has been so helpful with planning a wedding out of state. She has hooked me up with so many helpful people. Which is great. She is great. She has planned the daily and weekly itinerary leading up to the wedding and the big day of itinerary. The problem is that she has planned that while fi, family and I are taking pictures, our guest will be eating while they wait for us. I want to eat too! I do not want food hanging out of my mouth while I'm trying to inhale my food because I can't get some time alone to eat! On top of that, the reception starts at 6, guests from the wedding will probably start showing up at 5:15- 5:30, and she has scheduled the band for seven to eleven! Is it just me, or would it be better to schedule the band from 5 to 9? The venue has a hook-up that would allow us to play MP3 through the speakers. Which I figured we could do if we were any guest were staying late (there is rumors of partying all night long) and we have permission from the venue to do so.

She is very stubbern, but also sensitive. She has already insinuated that I am stuck up because I refused to have our reception in a gymnasium, and have had to have a financial fight with the groom to be because he thought that renting chairs for our guests to sit at the ceremony was a waste of money. That's only a fraction of the issues I've encountered over the last six months, and I'm tapped out. I'm tempted to throw in the towel on this one. Is it even that big of a deal? Should I even try to have this conversation with her? If so, I'm hoping I can get some good advice that would make this conversation easy. Bonus points if you can figure out a way for me to make it her idea.

Ajuliana · August 2013

FI has to deal with her, or you become the bad guy.

Are you guys skipping a cocktail hour? That's normally when you take pictures, and then have dinner once you guys enter.

OliveOilsMom · August 2013

she22ybe22y said:

My FMIL has been so helpful with planning a wedding out of state. She has hooked me up with so many helpful people. Which is great. She is great. She has planned the daily and weekly itinerary leading up to the wedding and the big day of itinerary. The problem is that she has planned that while fi, family and I are taking pictures, our guest will be eating while they wait for us. I want to eat too! I do not want food hanging out of my mouth while I'm trying to inhale my food because I can't get some time alone to eat! On top of that, the reception starts at 6, guests from the wedding will probably start showing up at 5:15- 5:30, and she has scheduled the band for seven to eleven! Is it just me, or would it be better to schedule the band from 5 to 9? The venue has a hook-up that would allow us to play MP3 through the speakers. Which I figured we could do if we were any guest were staying late (there is rumors of partying all night long) and we have permission from the venue to do so.
She is very stubbern, but also sensitive. She has already insinuated that I am stuck up because I refused to have our reception in a gymnasium, and have had to have a financial fight with the groom to be because he thought that renting chairs for our guests to sit at the ceremony was a waste of money. That's only a fraction of the issues I've encountered over the last six months, and I'm tapped out. I'm tempted to throw in the towel on this one. Is it even that big of a deal? Should I even try to have this conversation with her? If so, I'm hoping I can get some good advice that would make this conversation easy. Bonus points if you can figure out a way for me to make it her idea.

Some additional info would help. When you say the guests will be eating, do you mean dinner? Or will they be at cocktail hour eating? Most times, unless a first look is done, B&G's don't make cocktail hour. My H & I made the last 15 minutes cocktail hour. Now, if FMIL has the guests eating dinner, while you are having pictures done, then you need to get things changed.

As for the band, I don't think it's necessary for during dinner. I would just hook up your mp3 player to the speaker. If people will be eating dinner, they can't get up and dance to the band. So it makes sense to wait for the band to start playing after dinner.

SomethingBeautiful08 · August 2013

Come up with a solution to the timing issue between you and FH. Have FH talk to her about why the schedule needs to change. Try to point out if you can how it will negatively affect her... would she not be able to eat with her friends because she would be taking pictures? Compliment her effort, but be clear that you want everyone to enjoy the day, especially you guys. Above all be clear that this is what both of you agree on so you won't be the bad guy. It is his mother after all so think long term here.

phira · August 2013

It's wonderful how helpful your future mother-in-law has been, but you and your fiance should be the ones coming up with the schedule. It's one thing for you to get feedback from people about it, or to ask people for help with the schedule if you're unsure about something, but you two should really be the ones deciding.

I agree with previous posters, by the way: your fiance is the one who should be talking to his mother, and he needs to present it as, "Mom, this is what we both want," so you're a united front (and not, "Mom, she22ybe22y is annoyed about this thing you did").

SP29 · August 2013

Agreed- cocktail hour is for the guests while you are taking pictures, lasts 1-2 hours, involves food and drink.

Then when you and FH return with your family and WP, that's when dinner commences.

As for the band- what kind of band? what is the purpose? If the purpose is for people to dance, then do not start the band until after dinner is finished. You should ask your venue how long dinner usually takes, as it might be longer than hour (particularly if you also have toasts), then you can start the band.

However, I would recommend some sort of music during your cocktail hour/dinner- that could be the MP3 player with some big band jazz selections or other light music.

Also, expect to have some kind of music going for the duration of the night. How long do you have the venue till? Generally any wedding I've gone to that involved dinner with a dance after lasted past midnight.

Hash this stuff out with your FH first, then present a united front to FMIL. Thank her for all her hard work so far, and tell her that you appreciate it, but there are some details you would like to be making the decisions on, and if she honestly means that guests will eat dinner while you take photos, tell her you are not comfortable with that (as you would like to enjoy your meal with your FH and guests).

she22ybe22y · September 2013

Everyone did give great advice! THanks soooo much! It was all very helpful!

everyone: I pick out gifts for his mother's and kid's birthday's, sort his mail, and organize his paperwork. Fi leaves it to me to handle things like his kids travel arrangements to get to the wedding, the guest list, and the itinerary. It's a system I know would make most women today cringe, but it is what WE want, and I am happy to do it, so please any woman out there reading this- don't criticize. He doesn't handle his mother efficiently (he caves) or tastefully (he's beyond rude), so I feel better taking care of things myself (he says I'm too nice- I say I just have manors and tact!). Besides, they are working on their relationship right now and I'd rather be the bad guy than him. Also, she feels it's her job to organize things - she picked out the remainder of our wedding party because her son wouldn't and I don't know any of his family, the wedding dance host, and I did not even know what that was, but it's like a DJ- someone to make announcements ("the bride and groom will now cut the cake") and taking away from her the itinerary planning will really be more trouble than it's worth. She has already planned two dinners with the entire family, one being the rehearsal dinner. Both of which I approve of. Besides, I did try to make the sleeping arrangements and OMG some people were about to have a COW! I'm like "I don't care where you sleep! sleep on the sidewalk for all I care! Just quite whinning!"

@ OliveOilsMom: she was going to have dinner served while we were taking pictures. But I took some advice, and spoke to her. Really I just acted like I didn't understand what she had told me previously and asked her when we all (added her name in the mix so she'd get a better picture in her head) take pictures will the guest be eating? when will we eat? To which she denied ever having said that, and said we will all eat at the same time- after pictures. YAY!

Also, thanks for clearing up the issue I was unsure about as to what time the band should start! Thank you! Thank you! Load off my mind!

SP29 : thanks for the mp3 jazz idea! I know they have mp3 hook-up, and will begin working on a music selection now!!

scribe95: did not mean to offend. My fi and I live right next to a thriving city and options to get married and have a reception are endless. And do to supply and demand, we could get a pretty nice place for a decent price. So, a gymnasium would have never even been offered as an option where I live. But we aren't getting married here- we're getting married 12hrs away in an area I have literally spent less than two weeks total in. When I agreed to get married in his small town home town, I did not realize that there were only 3 places to have a reception, and one of which was the gymnasium. It is used there as a regular choice for weddings and receptions, and other various events. Where I live they are only used for sporting events-nothing else so I was quite taken aback, it seemed and kind of still does seem a little taboo to me.

How do I convince the mother-in-law?

Re: How do I convince the mother-in-law?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards